[TrailRunner14]

Thank you so much for your encouragement and your support!!

If it's ok, I just wanted to have a place to work through this with y'all.

I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach this.

My H is still not speaking to me. I feel stupid and devalued. I don't know how to sort that out.

I am angry, without cause, I believe. My counselor is making a career choice and it's about him and not me. I understand that.

I just don't know what to do with this. I meet with him tomorrow evening and he doesn't feel "real" to me anymore. It's similar to the silent treatment I'm getting from the h. That doesn't really make sense.

I feel so very alone and it makes me angry but it's covered by numbness.

Does any of this make sense?

I really am angry!

I'm so sorry girl. Tell T good bye.... and hubby no idea.

[TrailRunner14]

What is the silent treatment meant to convey anyway???

You are not worthy of my attention.

You are stupid.

Etc.........

What is that meant to convey?

I want to fix it, but I won't this time.

[Luce]

Yes! It makes perfect sense.

Anger is a protective emotion. It stands in front of hurt and vulnerability to ensure they come to no further harm.
Just imagine the emotions of Hurt and Vulnerability as children. If it is not safe for them to Be themselves (that is, feeling the reality of those emotions would expose them to potential further harm) then Anger sweeps in to stand in front of them and protect them from all possibilities. No harm can come to them when Anger is 'on the case'.

And then there is Detachment. Detachment strides in as a sense of numbness and non-caring. Detachment has no connection to anyone. She needs care from no-one, so can never be hurt if a person acts or makes a choice that might infer a lack of care or consideration for her. She needs no-one. She expects nothing. She is an island. She wraps herself in a cloak of protective numbness, where she feels no pain of rejection, but can feel no joy either.

It seems like the things going on at the moment are hurting you. You have strong protections in place that leap up to defend you without even being asked.
They do their jobs well. Sometimes it is actually safe enough to let them 'stand down', too.

NB: this is kind of how things like that happen in me. It may not be relevant at all for you. Just sharing my thoughts.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

Yes! It makes perfect sense.

Anger is a protective emotion. It stands in front of hurt and vulnerability to ensure they come to no further harm.
Just imagine the emotions of Hurt and Vulnerability as children. If it is not safe for them to Be themselves (that is, feeling the reality of those emotions would expose them to potential further harm) then Anger sweeps in to stand in front of them and protect them from all possibilities. No harm can come to them when Anger is 'on the case'.

And then there is Detachment. Detachment strides in as a sense of numbness and non-caring. Detachment has no connection to anyone. She needs care from no-one, so can never be hurt if a person acts or makes a choice that might infer a lack of care or consideration for her. She needs no-one. She expects nothing. She is an island. She wraps herself in a cloak of protective numbness, where she feels no pain of rejection, but can feel no joy either.

It seems like the things going on at the moment are hurting you. You have strong protections in place that leap up to defend you without even being asked.
They do their jobs well. Sometimes it is actually safe enough to let them 'stand down', too.

NB: this is kind of how things like that happen in me. It may not be relevant at all for you. Just sharing my thoughts.

Your reply resonates deeply with me.

It took me a few times to read through it because of the tears. That is not like me and trying to work through this is foreign to me too. Not sure what to make of that. Maybe some healing has come without wisdom of how to handle it. ?

I don't know.

[Luce]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you distress!

You wrote earlier: My counselor is making a career choice and this is about him and not about me. I understand that.

This I can relate to. I rationalize and intellectualize everything also. At an intellectual level it is all so very clear cut and matter of fact.

Emotions... not so much.

You do understand that his decision is a functional one and not a personal one.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd

it still hurts.

Is there anyway to bridge the gap between those two distinct and separate but bothtrueandrightatthesametime realities?

Can hurt be comforted by the intellect sharing the knowledge?
Can the intellect learn to have compassion for the pain?

Am I helping or simply making things hurt more?

Be compassionate and accepting of you, TR.

[ruh roh]

I don't know what the silent treatment is meant to convey, but I find it extremely hostile and coercive when people use it. My mother used to do it and it felt like an assault, like a death threat. I suppose that's because a parent is supposed to be a safe person, so removing themselves in that way is frightening. Maybe your h's silent treatment is bringing up old emotional assaults in childhood from a primary caregiver? Even if it's not, it's abusive to you during a time that you need sensitivity.

As for your own anger, it makes total sense. It's also a symptom of ptsd, which maybe this move is triggering in you. You had a safe place to go and now it's been replaced by who knows what kind of situation. Are you meeting your therapist in the new location tonight? If so, I hope he is able to dive right into this with you, as it's opening up a lot. I think my therapist would see it as both something to soothe (the move being made better or more tolerable) and as a loosening from being stuck. The unstuckness is a good thing. Emotions are good. Being frozen or dissociated is the old way. Being able to cope through the chaos and turmoil and anger is where the work is.

This is very hard stuff, and I'm not trying to make it sound easy. None of it is. But if you (and hopefully, your therapist) can see this as an opportunity, that's a way forward.

[TrailRunner14]

You caused me no distress, forgive me if it came across that way. My h still wasn't acknowledging me yesterday and my emotions were pretty raw and tender.

I went to the trail and grabbed some Chinese, came home and hid in creating a garden.

What you said was true and it was pretty real to read it. Thank you for your honesty.

In some strange way, the tears felt good.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't know what the silent treatment is meant to convey, but I find it extremely hostile and coercive when people use it. My mother used to do it and it felt like an assault, like a death threat. I suppose that's because a parent is supposed to be a safe person, so removing themselves in that way is frightening. Maybe your h's silent treatment is bringing up old emotional assaults in childhood from a primary caregiver? Even if it's not, it's abusive to you during a time that you need sensitivity.

As for your own anger, it makes total sense. It's also a symptom of ptsd, which maybe this move is triggering in you. You had a safe place to go and now it's been replaced by who knows what kind of situation. Are you meeting your therapist in the new location tonight? If so, I hope he is able to dive right into this with you, as it's opening up a lot. I think my therapist would see it as both something to soothe (the move being made better or more tolerable) and as a loosening from being stuck. The unstuckness is a good thing. Emotions are good. Being frozen or dissociated is the old way. Being able to cope through the chaos and turmoil and anger is where the work is.

This is very hard stuff, and I'm not trying to make it sound easy. None of it is. But if you (and hopefully, your therapist) can see this as an opportunity, that's a way forward.

Thank you! Your words speak truth too!

My dad told me, when my boys were little, that when I punished them I should pull my affection away from them. He thought that should be part of punishing. I don't think he understood discipline to be corrective and not abusive. I suppose that's part of my reaction to my h. It is degrading.

My counselors does not officially move for another couple of weeks. So there's that.

I did hear of a support group for women who grew up in abuse and are in abusive relationships. I'm going to check it out and see what it's about. It's kind of funny that it meets on Monday's at the same time that I'm usually scheduled to meet with my counselor.

[TrailRunner14]

My appointment with my counselor was last night, and we talked about me being angry. Not angry at him, but about what is happening. It was good.

I usually come home and have a ton to write and sort out in my journal.

It's not there now. It's eerily quiet. It's like they are waiting to see what's going to happen.

No one feels safe going there to the scary new place, but they trust him. They are sad and feel they abandonment. I don't know how to reassure them that it's going to be ok. It doesn't feel that way to "me" so that's pretty hard to do.

Each one of them initially came forward with questions of trusting him. We worked through it and I could feel the ease inside when trust was offered from each part. First to me and then to him, in hearing them. Validating them.

It was shared that I/we didn't want to work with anyone else and couldn't imagine it. Then it was silent.

Compliance even first saw him as a threat. It was pretty intense, but trust was gained. That part feels to be the quietest and most stand offish. There is a feeling that compliance feels that we should just make the trip, suck it up. Do it. It feels like it's not being strong enough. Compliance is afraid of the scary place too.

It can't and it won't. It's not safe.

Compliance is stand offish because it feels it knows best right now. It's always complied, and maybe the little one's don't understand and are afraid that a trusted one will go away because compliance won't comply now.

Compliance is torn. Does it comply and put the others at risk, or does it stand the ground at the danger of not keeping the others ok?

Compliance feels it's in a no win situation.

[Fuzzybear]

The silent treatment

A certain Birthday party. Was supposed to be a celebration (long ago) - it was as if I didn't exist... maybe I never did

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

The silent treatment


A certain Birthday party. Was supposed to be a celebration (long ago) - it was as if I didn't exist... maybe I never did

I'm sorry that happened for you. You do exist for me now and I thank you for acknowledging me.

Hug to you if it's ok.

Thank you!

[Luce]

So T is moving offices? And it is further away and at a scary place?
You can go with him but that is not such an easy thing to do??

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

So T is moving offices? And it is further away and at a scary place?
You can go with him but that is not such an easy thing to do??

Exactly. It's is causing a major internal state of distress.

[ruh roh]

Can you take something(s) to the new place for comfort that will help anyone who is struggling the most? I take several such things, plus there are a few things that my therapist keeps there, and so we are surrounded by them and it helps a lot.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Can you take something(s) to the new place for comfort that will help anyone who is struggling the most? I take several such things, plus there are a few things that my therapist keeps there, and so we are surrounded by them and it helps a lot.

When I wrote my post yesterday I was in a really panic place. It was pretty intense. Compliance was caught in a crisis trying to figure out what to do.

My h, who has been a donkey butt to me since the trial drive to my counselors new location this past weekend, came home last evening with a beautiful flower arrangement for Valentine's Day. He made sure to tell me that he told the florist that it had to have dragonflies in it (I love dragon flies), which it has 2. Its very beautiful.

I took the arrangement from him and I felt something shift/change. Kiss on his cheek. "Thank you!" "They are beautiful!" I'm saying this with absolutely no feeling inside.

Today, the panic is not there. It just feels like I'm going to make the drive that was scaring me so much with the same no feeling that I feel now. It's a very detached feeling.

Please forgive the drama.

It feels like I'm not all here.

[TrailRunner14]

It's Friday and the weekend is coming.

I've decided that I'm going to do another trial drive there. This time I am going BY MYSELF!!

Think I'll drive through Seattle Drip and get a large Cona Mocha Big Train with whipped cream. Yum! I'll tune in my favorite radio station, relax and enjoy the drive. If it's sunny I'll open the sunroof.

If anyone, here, would like to ride along, I'd welcome your company.

[ruh roh]

That's the spirit! Make good associations. I'll join!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

That's the spirit! Make good associations. I'll join!

Thank you!! I was feeling sad that I had been too much drama and no one wanted to come with me.

Hey! The Kona Mocha Big Train is on me! . It's awesome.

[Luce]

Good on you, TR. That's a great idea about making good associations with it. That is great self care. How long does the drive take?
I can't come, sorry, I gotsta study.

[TrailRunner14]

Here we go!! It's about 45 minutes one way. It's a beautiful sunny day!!

Have a great time....sounds fulfilling.

This is our one day off...so laundry, shopping, chores....or sit here and do nothing but relax after a hard long one.

I'm sure an Other is going to send us in a different direction soon...to be expected.

Have fun!

[Luce]

I hope you had a peaceful, calm and stress free drive, TR.

[TrailRunner14]

It was a beautiful day and drive.

I did it by myself!! I don't like it. I was out of my element. That place is like another country to me. I don't really have words to explain it.

Right now I feel like I have to do what I did today to stay with where I feel safe. If I don't, I have to start over with someone else and I can't see that.

I'm screwed.

Somebody please tell me it's going to be ok.

I don't have words.

[Luce]

It is SO going to be okay, TR.
The drive is going to become that little bit easier every time you take it.
It will become associated with the comfort and calm of your T.

You've got this, TR.