[Fuzzybear]

I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to accomplish today..............

roast dinner didn't fill me up- and actually seemed pointless having it as I was so hungry afterwards

I was also in a lot of chrronic pain last night so could not find a good position. I didn't do much for the rest of the night and of course didn't sleep,
so was extra long and boring

so far today I am feeling freaked out- well not really freaked out, a little agitated because I had to answer some questions for a form

and some of the questions (2 of them?) were quite personal and I wasn't impressed with it

but I did it and it's over but now I'm sitting here thinking... wow, those were draining

I hate questions at the best of times- and especially personal ones

Saw doc for re-up of bipolar meds. Told him we drink.... a lot.
Told him if he had alters...he would be drinking, too.
He upped our meds and recommended AA.

suicidal and irritable

one of those times where you clearly have a lot of things going on (or in my case, bad thoughts), and not enough people to listen.

I did do something productive though. I actually fitted my new drawers in my room (the old ones were broken so I had to replace them), it was hard work and even harder work plugging everything back in, but it's done now and I don't have to worry about doing it again (hopefully)

these ones are smaller and hopefully more sturdy

Kid triggers us...Angry One keeps appearing nightly due to his incompetence of not paying his bills, lying, disrespecting, and jerking us around.

Told him he must move out.

today I had my shower (and as I predicted, felt gross afterwards)

then I had to order all my shopping- not the best of things to do, but it's gotta be done.

and now I have the rest of the day to act like a coutch potato (so just normal and that)
suicidal feelings still their- and lots of depression, but feel slightly better today.. given it's friday, and tomorrow (saturday the 1st), I get to open
my advent calendar for the first time

I can't believe it's 25 days until christmas day but it is

Originally Posted by raging vortex

today I had my shower (and as I predicted, felt gross afterwards)

then I had to order all my shopping- not the best of things to do, but it's gotta be done.

and now I have the rest of the day to act like a coutch potato (so just normal and that)
suicidal feelings still their- and lots of depression, but feel slightly better today.. given it's friday, and tomorrow (saturday the 1st), I get to open
my advent calendar for the first time

I can't believe it's 25 days until christmas day but it is

I know it on the Christmas time!

This body is fixin to turn 51 (yuck) in a few days...we just keep getting uglier and uglier.

today I snapped at someone.

they were talking to me about something that they thought I was looking forward to and I just snapped at them. I think they were quite shocked by it- I'm like no, I didn't enjoy it, I'm not well.. and yes, I'm really still not well- and very suicidal still.

I opened my advent calendar today and had a chocolate soldier behind the door

a chocolate soldier?

what the **** does a ****ing soldier have to do with christmas

all I'm saying on that

now just listening to christmas music and feeling low

We are drinking to oblivion and *****. So far no luck.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

today I snapped at someone.

they were talking to me about something that they thought I was looking forward to and I just snapped at them. I think they were quite shocked by it- I'm like no, I didn't enjoy it, I'm not well.. and yes, I'm really still not well- and very suicidal still.

I opened my advent calendar today and had a chocolate soldier behind the door

a chocolate soldier?

what the **** does a ****ing soldier have to do with christmas

all I'm saying on that

now just listening to christmas music and feeling low

Solder = Toy

sometimes children get toy army men/ solders in their stockings. back when the first monk gave out presents (santa legend) solders roamed the streets keeping everyone safe from concuring armies coming in to take over the towns. wars have always been a part of history around the world. now we got chocolate solders in advent calendars to represent toy solders / toys

I'm listening to the movie santa is coming to town. in it they also have toys shaped like solders and solders are roaming the town enforcing the kings rules.

mostly a slow day with very little to do.

depression a bit better- actually for the first time in the past few days, I only thought about suicide for like an hour

had quite a nice evening too- food wasn't anything to write home about, but mood wise was good

I started my new book yesterday- first thoughts.. am I stuck with this **** for the next however long it will take me to read it?. I don't like what I read so far

sleep didn't happen again though I knew it wouldn't

mood was okay, but not really a productive day (not really anything I needed to do, but managed to fill the time). nothing special is what I'm saying

an average start to the week

On a vacation day today. Trying to keep life simple and bad trigger free. I wish I can just back up and go away and let the rest deal with all this.

Best I can guess is that I’m cursed.

[lucidity11]

I was finally able to sign in. I never remember my password. I did see that I was here in Oct. so it wasn't that long ago. I am in a new apartment and am trying to adjust. I have realized that if I isolate from people I go too deep into myself and get lost. I get depressed, confused and unmotivated. I moved to a place where I have to come in contact with people. This interaction keeps us more organized. I still get depressed but I can pop out of it by going out side. I have realized that that is why I worked so much. Often I would get a second or third job. Sure I could use the money but it was more about forcing us to behave in a certain way. I always felt like I could explode and do something crazy. I didn't know I was DID. Now that I know some of the things I used to do make more sense and had a bigger purpose. Lately I have been having feelings of anxiety and fear. It is a constant battle to stay in this apartment. Much of me wants to hide in the country away from the world. But when I do it is very sad depressing and painful. It makes me question my purpose in the world. I remind myself that I know I am here to experience the world and than I will move through it. But not yet.

today was productive, since I decided that today would be the day that I finish off all my decorating for christmas- and since I did it in under an hour (more or less), I treated myself to mcdonalds

I'm not meant to eat during the middle of the day (to do with my eating problems), but I'm feeling okay- no ill affects from it yet

a little irritated over the fact that people are telling me one thing, but actually doing another- but hat seems a daily occurance. I think being honest with me is something peoplej ust can't do for some reason- and it seems I'm like the only one

I'm annoyed at myself because I was leant a dvd yesterday of "elf", and I said I'd watch it yesterday (I didn't), I'd watch it today (I didn't), this person is going to need it back soon so she can watch it over christmas. I'm just not very good at sticking to what I say (or I am, but only if it's something I really want to do)

emotion wise I've been feeling okay, well, that is until this afternoon- someonem ade a comment about my medication and now I'm feeling bad again (borderline suicidal)

funny how one comment can change your whole outlook- even if the comment is very small

This just can’t be real.

doing okay.

this morning did all my shopping list, and now just chilling

had my shower too, gross but yeah what would be new on that front

[lucidity11]

Today I made an appointment with a therapist. I see her in two weeks. I was filled with anxiety before, during and after the call. I will go. I will go

We are having a power struggle within...a restructuring of sorts....on how to be seen, regarded, priorities, and dominance for safety and security reasons. The guys want the girls to give up and go away and I don’t know what to do.

Things that were important are no longer important....things are changing......

I really, really, really, hate gloves

I hate the feel of them, I hate the sound of them, and I hate that they remind me so much of abuse

I say this because I had a really bad flashback last night to one of my old abusers and he was wearing ****ing gloves

I know I'm ranting about it, but it really, really irks me- when it ends and i'm shaking- well, something was- and I'm pretty sure that my shoulders and legs left my body to have their own little disco on the edge of a ****ing snowstorm

it was a hard night for me, and hard for me to remember all that abuse. I know that I probably need to get ridd of all the gloves I can find and ****ing burn them

going to the bathroom at 1 A.M was the thing that saved me. realised where I was and started to relax a little. I'm safe, warm and okay

so far today is going so slow
it's 10 A.M, and ffeels even earlier. it's a weird feeling

[Mountaindewed]

I’ve never been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, but twice this week I’ve had these bizzare episodes of dissociation. Or maybe it was depersonalization. Or something else I’m not aware of.

I had a very bad therapy session on Thursday. And when I realized my mistake, I could feel myself leave my body. It was something I had not expierenced before. Then today at work I was starting to have an anxiety attack, which I never have. I was trying to navagate my way out work, and I just felt really weird. Like I wasn’t in the right body. I felt like maybe I hadn’t pulled my pants up after using the bathroom, or I was wearing someone else’s coat. The sun felt much more brighter then usual.

I’ve been under a lot of stress with work and therapy and the anniversary of my dads death was a few days ago, but these episodes of dissociation are just bizzare and not like me at all.

in the words of next to normal, " it's just another day"

really nothing exciting happening.

feel a mixture of irritibillity and depression.

no more flashbacks which is a nice positive

watched the final of I'm a celebrity get me out of here last night and it was won by the football manager (which was good, I think he deserved it)

pain levels are terrible today- my back, my legs, my shoulders, all in a lot of pain.

food wise I feel like I need a real deecent meal.. yesterday I had garlic chicken kiev (which is okay, but I can not stand the smell of garlic!), and I had prawn crackers- which are okay, but none of it was really filling for me. for breakfast today I had bacon, again, nice, but barely much of it.

sleep wise.. I've just not been getting any, not even an hour- it's tough, but also my body is used to it, and because I don't get the signals to my brain to relax... well, yeah

mood wise I guess I'm okay, unmotivated to really do much, but otherwise good

this morning, I felt the physical age of 107

my back was hurting so much, and I was bent over in pain. more than one time I thought I was going to just " go over", my legs were starting to go too and even before breakfast I had to sit down because the pain was just too much- needless to say I felt very very irritable

my breakfast smelled amazing,, but smells arn't always reliable- it didn't taste as good as it smelled (it was nice, but nothing special), maybe because I as still in pain and couldn't properly enjoy it

then checked my emails and watched recess: the movie (I found it was on, and I rememberd watching recess in the 90's,) it was a nice memory- so that killed an hour

and then I have done nothing for the rest of the day, accept for posting here and listening to the christmas music- still in pain too, (not as much as earlier but still a lot)

mood's good and depression is low