ugh ....

silly me. Was feeling a bit overwhelmed after a long weekend away, great time, stressful in a way ... just got triggered, my own fault. Mother is the subject ..... it's her birthday on Friday and iwont be sending a card ....never spoken to her for 8 months.... decided to chuck her outta my life for ever. But why do i still feel guilty? She was one of my abusers, emotionally and some sexual.

I'm hurting actually. Good job I have Therapy tomorrow.

Jinny xx

Jinnyann,

You're not silly! Feelings just are what they are. It gets so painful and complicated when your Mom is an abuser.

Mom's are supposed to keep us safe and when they do bad stuff to us, it really messes with our minds and hearts. It's really hard to even say how bad it hurts us.

For a long time I was too close to my Mom, until some memories came back more clear and then I was so angry with her. She did things that still limit me to this day and she's been dead for years.

I'm sorry she hurt you and i'm sorry she was unsafe. Its not your fault and you are not bad.

I did learn to forgive my mom and it helped me a lot, but it took time. I even realized she went through some of the same things she put me through. She was so messed up. It doesn't excuse her bad, but it helped me forgive.

If you don't want to send her a card this year, its ok. Mom's aren't supposed to hurt their children. For now, just take care of yourself and get through this week.

HUGS Jinnyann,

Leslieann and pixies

((((((((((((((((((((multipixie/leslieann)))))))))))))))))))

thankyou for you kind reply. I am very low today. I kind of feel so sorry for my mum these days, the anger is subsiding and is being replaced by pity i think. She has always been a very selfish person, narcissistic, loves to put others down so she feels better about herself. Underneath she doesn't like herself very much. The thing is, I'm still in contact with a friend of mums, well, ex friend who my mum abandoned after 45 years just because she went to a wedding and mum didn't want her to go .... (long story) this friend says she will never change and that nothing will ever be right for my mum as she is that kind of person. This friend has cancer and part of me wants to let mum know. Part of me wants to send a card but i think she would just rip it up anyway when i told her i wanted her out of my life all the cards she'd saved that I had sent her were set back to me. I'm scared of the rejection. That probably sounds pathetic, but ...i'm rambling, sorry she's missing out on her grandchildren. My dad never comes to see them either.

Sometimes it hurts. It's like they're treating my kids the way I was treated as a child ..... history repeating itself ..... i broke the abusive chain by protecting and loving my children, but it makes it worse knowing how much i love mine, how could they be so cruel, and i have to stop now.

Jinny

Hello!
Jinny
Im new here, but would like to say, embrace your feelings and know that it is ok for you to feel today, way to often when we suffer abuse, especially, as young children, we are taught to stuff feelings and what we are feeling is wrong.....it is a good thing that today you are feeling and knowing the feelings you have, and are able to get here and express that feeling! you are on the right road to recovering (if there is such a thing) from your abuse.
I have a child as well and the cycle has stopped here too, may I suggest you take an extria few minutes of your day and really look at your kiddos, when you do delight in their innocence that you protected, know that you are strong, know that you are good stuff, because you protected your kiddos It is really hard to make the decision to stop the cycle, then to actually do it, keep up the good work
Spud

{{{{{{{{{{jinny}}}}}}}}}}

You have done your bit, you have broken the cycle of abuse

Be happy your parents aren't around to mess up your kids too, like our mother did

Sending gentle protective hugs to you
So sorry that you are hurting, the memories never really go away, & our parents never lose the power to hurt us emotionally

Be strong in the knowledge that you have saved your children from abuse

Much love to you & yours, be gentle with yourself sweetie

It means so much to me when i receive your replies.Makes me feel i am not alone and you understand .... Zo i feel my parents have not been very good to my kids really. Dad never comes to see us or very rarely, he asks how they are but never even said well done to my daughter when she was accepted into university unconditionally. Mum has chosen not to sort all this mess out and cut herself off from us all, when i broke ties i said we could work it out if she stopped the denial and started to validate my feelings. She sent me a horrible letter saying she was going to smother me and then kill herself when i was a baby .... my daughter wrote to her saying she didn't want to be in touch anymore (nothing to do with me i would never stop the kids seeing their grandparents) mum wrote back to me and blamed me, sent all my cards back that I'd sent to her through the years and more or less blamed me for everything. Both my parents have been lousy grandparents, treating my kids like they did me ..... i've come to the conclusion i've only stayed in their lives this long because they felt it was their duty.

so, in a way i feel they HAVE let my kids down. My mum apologised for the abuse that her lover so kindly bestowed on me as a young kid, but she refuses to believe she was ever a part of it.

sorry this was so long.

Jinny

Not silly at all. My abusers trained, taught and programmed me to feel guilty any time I did something like not have contact with them, talk to someone about them, tell what they did, etc. Keeping me feeling guilty and questioning what was wrong with me, kept them safe from me telling anyone, and kept me connected tot hem so they could continue to abuse me.
Feeling guilty is a nayural thing for survivors because they have taught us to feel that way to help keeo thier secrets. The fact that you have walked away shows young strength and your healing. Way to go! It takes a while but eventually we grow to the place where we can put the guilt and blame on the abusers where it belongs.
You are doing great!

awww, thankyou so much. I'mso sorry that any of us have this forum, that we all felt scared and guilty, sad, hurt, unprotected enough to have to go through any of this .... welcome to PC tymedrifter ..... spudsy i have seen how supportive you have been already here .... i feel so lucky to have wonderful friends and people who really understand what it's like surviving this ordeal. We are not alone, we have each other to help us get through, such wonderful advice, caring and sincerity, thankyou all so much. Many hugs, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

Jinny,

You do NOT sound pathetic. It's painful going through these mean, hurtful experiences with your mom. Feelings Just Are!!! My anger has mostly gone towards my mom, but it sometimes shows up again. When childhood is so painful it continues to affect our adult lives. Like you, I want to get help and get beyond it, so my past will stop invading my present. Hope that makes sense. Our past really is a part of our present, for all of us - but when it is painful and unresolved it takes too much from our present, it robs us in the present by draining our emotional and even physical energy. then if you have people still creating dramas ...OUCH!

Like others have said, Be Gentle To Yourself, you need/deserve that.

Sending you hugs, soft/gentle ones like having angel wings wrap around you! (((((((((hugs)))))))

Leslie and the sadPixie

((((((((((((((((((Multipixie and the sad pixie))))))))))))))))

thankyou for the lovely soft hug ..... please let me do the same for you ((((((((((((((((pixies))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad there are genuine people who understand what it was like, how it affects us today and that we only mean good, never harm to anyone. Sometimes i feel it comes across wrong, the way i say things ..... you are very kind, please feel free to pm me anytime, lots of love, Jin xoxoxoxoxoxoxo