Being Scared

Trigger I think so read only if safe.



I'm so scared, of them. I try to understand myself, them, understand all of us. I think I'm starting to get it when I realize I haven't, I don't know all of them, and it's scaring me. One of the littles used to write on the walls and draw bad things but I managed to solve that for the most part, he still does it sometimes.

This one writes me letters, the way he writes he can't be little. He threatens me, says he's going to write on the walls with my blood and says people are going to hurt me. He's too angry. I don't get angry too much, I know I don't let myself, but I understand there's "healthy" anger. One of my alts gets angry but it seems so much more normal and "healthy".

This one won't say his name. None of them will. They let me out of hospital last night and I'm almost scared of being out now because I'm being threatened by a part of myself. The things he says I can't write and I'm just scared.

Working on finding a T but this is making me too scared. I don't know what it is. He's violent, he's angry. I grew up with not being allowed to be angry and I don't understand, I'm just too confused. I don't know what to do. I don't like not knowing who I'm scared of.

Mmm...

It could be a couple of things.

Some of us have old parent-'tapes' that play from time to time that tell us we are crap, nothing, rubbish etc... These sort of tapes can make us very low and we start believing those tapes and we can get very depressed and down. The way to deal with that is try to turn the volume down a bit.

Or it could be another child-part emerging, one that has been so angry, has been shoved into the background because he has never been allowed to be angry. Very difficult to deal with that on your own Griffe. I urge you to seek out a therapist.

With understanding.

Griffe,

I wanted to write something that would help and make you feel better or more hopeful.

But, I just really don't know what to say and don't want to say something dumb that may make you feel worse.

I've gone through times blacker than black. I've gone through many phases of being. Slowly, I am finding healing. For me, God has been a big part of the healing, in spite of the satanic abuse of childhood. I won't talk about that, but I just know that healing can come. I'm hoping you will find some way to hope. I care.

Leslie and the Pixies!

I wonder if he's the one who gets angry when you don't?
Maybe he started off little, but he's growing up so now he's older?

I don't know, Griffe.
I wish I could help. I wish you were feeling better.
I wish this stuff could just be easy...

Wishing you calm and quiet thoughts.

My therpist told me to tell my angry alter that I don't mind if she comes out, but she can't hurt anybody or herself. For the most part it has worked and now she leaves me letters and tells me what is upsetting her. Then there are those times that I can't control her and when she comes out everyone has to watch out. I also have an alter that hasn't told me who it is. I just try to get it to talk. So I know the fear you are feeling. And I want you to know that I am here for you.

Thanks everyone.


I am trying to seek out a therapist, I just am very wary with therapists/doctors/medical staff and there is a lot of fear right now, makes me scared of going into therapy. I know I really should do, so I am going to try it once I find a T.

Just a lot of fear, and anger has always scared me. I guess that's partly it.

Griffe,

I didn't say it earlier, but I have had alters who's job was to keep me quiet, to stop me from saying what happened to me. My abusers programmed parts to self-sabotage, self-mutilate, push suicide. Even though they were being mean to me these parts thought they were helping me by keeping me in line so the abusers would not hurt me even worse.

These parts were very scary to me. My T helped them learn about what was real and about God and satan - since we had religious abuse issues - don't mean to freak anyone out , but that was what made some of my alters do stuff to me that was mean, they were programmed to keep me in line. (If this bugs you/freaks you please just move past it and ignore it, ok - I just want to be good to you, not bug you)

I care and I'm glad you can talk to us about what is going on in your world these days.

Leslie and the Pixies

Take Care of You!

Hi Griffe. Sounds like this part may be a protector of sorts? I know it sounds weird when he is threatening you and scaring you, but maybe once upon a time threatening you and 'keeping you in line' was a way of keeping you safer?

We have had / still have parts like that. I am trying to write to them, talk aloud to them, let them know they did a good job and I thank them for it. Try to tell them things can be done a different way now, and that if we work together they themselves can begin to have some better experiences than what they have had up until now. Some of them we have managed to befriend, and others we are still working on.

I sure know how scary those kinds of parts can be. Keep working at it, Griffe.

I don't know if it's protection or something programmed into me like Leslie & The Pixies said. I just don't get it.

Things got bad, this nameless alter self injured (had to go to the clinic) and wrote down in red sharpie, "I know what you're thinking."

I don't know what I'm thinking but I feel like I'm being silenced (not that I'm trying to say anything) by myself, it scares me. I'm not happy about the self-injury and I'm scared to be left alone, but I hate having to be watched at the same time. I feel like a monster or something and I don't need this on the eve of some not-so-good medical news. I don't like to be weak on myself but come on, I can't deal with myself- how am I supposed to deal with all of us?

Looking into getting a T, very thankful for my girlfriend Kate to do almost all of the work these days, including helping me find one.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm scared for my health. I'm scared of the notes this alter writes, violent ugly scary notes.

Griffe,

My scariest alts believed lies, satanic lies, that I was worthless and that it was right to be cruel to me and that they should keep me in line by whatever means they could even if it hurt me or damaged me physically. That part is in spiritual trouble becos there really are bad spiritual demons that try and affect people and hurt them. Those kind need spiritual help to deal with them because all the therapy stuff doesnt work for them. My T knows how to do that and when you know how it isn't like some stupid movie all dramatic and stuff. Its more like spiritual pest control, but when they aren't dealt with then it can get scary bad for the person and parts. I hope you find your help soonest. Thinking good thoughts for you, Griffe

Leslie only.

Is there anything you can do to make yourself safer?
I had to get rid of my favorite things to self-harm. But for me, I had to have my favorite things. Just anything wouldn't do...But if there's a favorite thing your alter uses, maybe you could get rid of it?

Is it possible that some of this might be related to the news about your health? I know that I've only seen J.T. when Jon is starting to despair - he's the one who wants to hurt him (and me if i get in his way). He's the one who would try to commit suicide if we let him. Maybe that's what this is about? You're afraid of this news and you've got a part to act out the worst?

I don't KNOW, Griffe! I hate to think about you so scared...I'm glad you've got a good GF. I hope you have a good day soon!