[wanttoheal]

Hi. I've been here for a few months. It's weird when you think something happened last week and find out it was actually 4 months ago. That's a chapter in my life.

I have an eating disorder and I si. I have PTSD. I have DID. I also have Denial disorder and think that basically I am pathetic and there is nothing wrong and if I would just stop whining and get over myself, I would be fine.

I say things I didn’t say and totally confuse those who love me. Not only that, when people say I say them, I have been known to argue with them about it and sometimes it’s apparently another part that argues with them so not only did I miss the saying it part, I missed the arguing part of it and so when they talk about it, I am so confused that I argue about arguing about it AND saying it. And then I get hurt feelings when the family member/friend who was there the whole time is upset and wondering if I am crazy or they are crazy when fact is, I am the only crazy one although I am making them crazy.

I watch a movie and then find out from someone that not only did I see that movie, I went to the theater and saw it. I find bears in my room that I don’t know where came from. Thankfully the part that gets them only likes the stuffed variety.

I have children and they are struggling with life. They are my world and I love them more than anything. They are bright and funny and incredibly awesome. But, they are dysfunctional because their mother is dysfunctional. There is a part of me that apparently is an awesome mom. They like to hang out with her. Even knowing it is me, I feel like I miss out a lot of times because I am not there. Which is just weird because it is me . . . I am jealous of me . . .

I am so emotionally and physically drained and often suicidal. I make weekly commitments to stay alive, hang in there because “it will get better” and yet it seems the more aware I become of my life and what goes on on a daily basis without me, the more I don’t want to hang in there.

I live in constant fear, constant stress, constant panic. I wake up with panic attacks more often than not. It might not be so bad if at least I knew why but I don’t even know why. I have panic attacks during the day and I don’t even know what triggers them half the time.

I am a single mom because my husband has died. I work full time because regardless, the bills have to be paid. And, the whole time I am wondering if I was there the whole time or not. Did people notice I was different? Thankfully it seems that when I am not there, the part that is, is enough like me that people don’t notice, but then I guess after all these years, they are good at the deceit. Which again sounds totally stupid because it IS me . . . I have had people irritated with me and not know why. I have finished discussions that I didn’t start. I have finished jobs that I didn’t start. I am good at deceit too.

That is my life in a nutshell. And I never would have thought I would write anything in this forum that was personal, but I am desperate for support.

[h0kie]

(((((wantto)))))) I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. I hope things get better. The people here helped me (and hubby) when things looked really bleak.

Do you have a pdoc and/or t? It sounds like letting some of this out to a professional might help.

You're in my thoughts. PM me if I can ever help.

[(JD)]

((((((hugs))))) all of you! PTSD is quite a beast, and difficult to understand and live with. Please be easier on yourself... you are healing. This is good... it may take awhile, but like my substitute T said this week... what difference does it make how long it takes, as long as you know you are on the right road?

[wanttoheal]

Thank you (((((((((((((1Day))))))))))))) I appreciate your support.

I do have a t who is wonderful and it is to her that I commit each week.

I appreciate your offer for advice and support. Hopefully I can take you up on it at some point. Thank you.

[wanttoheal]

Thank you ((((((((((((sky))))))))))) I appreciate your understanding and your support.

You are right, at least I am on the right road.

I feel like a whiner and am trying desperately not to delete this post.

Thank you for your support

[Mahali]

(((wanttoheal))) Hugs if you want them.

I can understand you frustration. It must be difficult and so exhausting. I wish I could help more than just words but you have my support and understanding.

Do not delete the post. It will be better for you to gain the support. It is not whining...it is asking for a bit of help. We all need that once in a while.
Take care and post some more. It will help.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( wantto )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

my lovely friend. this is your first step towards the end of denial, hopeless and confusion...this is the beginning of support, love and awareness.

i'm so proud of you right now i could burst! girl, y'all are gonna be just fine...this i know.

i love you,

kd

[RhysMadison]

Please don't ever think you are whining. Your post seems so familiar to my own life. I feel fake, I think most people w/ DID do. 'cos we just aren't "us" most times. I can relate to the confusing people of what I said/ didn't say. People get so irritated w/ me just like you said- & I don't know why! My people & I have a pact, no matter who was out, you do what was being done previously. Then nobody would notice that "I" wasn't "me".
Even though you're struggling & hurting, you're reaching out. I'm glad you shared your personal story. We're all understanding here & can relate to much of what you are going thru. We've shared our own personal stories as well.
I hope you continue to post in here. You'll find wonderful support. The option is open to PM me as well.
Love,
RhysMadison

[silver_queen]

((((((((((wantto)))))))))) I agree with kimmy, it's a great step to take, writing about this in the forum! You should be proud of yourself!

Speak with you soon,

Silver.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And I never would have thought I would write anything in this forum that was personal, but I am desperate for support.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> wantto,

I'm sorry that you are desperate right now but I am glad that you are finally reaching out here.

I am grateful you are working with a skilled therapist with whom you have these contracts.

I don't know how long you've lived with this and how long you've kept this under wraps so to speak but I am glad you have told us here and hope that we can be of support to you in getting through these really hard times.

compassionately,
--zh

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((place))))))) thank you for the hugs. I cannot do hugs in real life but mostly I dont mind the cyber ones.

Thank you for your understanding. It is so very exhausting. Haivng your support means a lot to me and I appreciate it. Thank you again so much.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((kimmy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My dear friend. Thank you. It has been your support and friendship that has gotten me to this point. My only wish is that we lived closer so I could help you with little man.

Thank you for your support. Thank you for your friendship all this time . . . I would give an amount of time but my sense of time is non existent . . . hey, I COULD give an amount of time, neither of us would know . . . (you know I am kidding)

I don't know what else to say kimmy, but thank you. from the bottom of my heart.

[wanttoheal]

Thank you RhysMadison. For posting here as well as for your offer for PMs. I appreciate it so much.

I don't know any parts of me. No pact to make. I envy people who say that they know what is going on all the time. I am just here or I am not here. Where I go, nobody knows. People just think I am "moody" for the most part. I am moody when I am me, I can imagine how moody they must think if they deal with other parts of me.

Thank you for your understanding and support. Posting made me feel entirely too vulnerable so it may be a while before I post anything else so personal but thank you. I'm glad I didn't delete the post.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((silver))))))))))))) Thank you so much. Your friendship has meant a lot to me and I appreciate you. I miss our morning chats. Next semester . . . no afternoon classes! (Just kidding)

Thank you silver, for everything.

[wanttoheal]

Thank you zh and thank you for your PMs. I feel like a whiner more than anything, but thank you.

Thank you for your support. I appreciate it so much.

[wanttoheal]

I also want to say thank you to everyone else. I appreciate you all even reading my posts. I know how hard it is for me to reply to anyone's post but even when I don't, I read them and I care. And I appreciate that you all do as well.

Thank you everyone.

[Fuzzybear]

I just wanted to say that I care. I don't know you that well yet, but I would like to ... and you are not a whiner. I am so glad you have a good T and that you have reached out here, we are all here for you!
((((((((((((((((wanttoheal))))))))))))))))

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((fuzzybear)))))))))))
Thank you so much for your support.

[wisewoman]

Wantto, I feel priveledged to get to know you a little. I am sorry you are hurting and feel so unpresent in your life. I have read the thread and you have a lot of amazing support here. I haqve enjoyed chatting with you. Hope things feel less heavy soon.

[RhysMadison]

I don't know what goes on all the time, but I figure it out mostly. People just assume I'm moody. Being co-cons. is like being woken up from a deep sleep. You catch bits & pieces but not sure if it was real or a dream. That's what it feels like for me. I just learned to trust my people.
Take your time in posting. Divulging personal info can be emotionally draining.
Love,
RhysMadison

[wanttoheal]

Wisewoman, thank you. You have been supportive from the first day I met you even without knowing me and I appreciate it so much. I enjoy chatting with you as well. Thank you.

[wanttoheal]

Thank you RhysMadison. Truthfully, I dont want to trust any other part of me. I dont want them to exist. I have just recently realized though that they kept me alive in a couple of situations recently and so, part of me is glad. Another part wishes they hadn't.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.