It's Getting Worse.. *Trigger SI*

omg - I can hardly believe that nurse. sigh.

to you

I know. It made me sick.. I tried going to college today. Everyone had a go at me for not being in yesterday, Gemma, who can't talk much said the most. She demanded to know where I was, so I said "For your information, Gemma I was in bed all day, because I couldn't actually move at all, thankyou very much." She didn't know what to say. Paul had a go, telling me I was singing Sam Sparrow's version of American Boy

Then, earlier I had hypnotherapy during improvisation and Gemma preceded to have a go at me afterwards saying "where the hell were you?! You stopped our WHOLE group from doing our performance!!" I said to her "Well, Gemma, actually I knew nothing about the performance and Kyle was supposed to be singing for one of the bands anyway, not me. And I was elsewhere, more important. Luke knows where I was, so there's no need for you to get all arsey. Leave it out".

I was so angry that everyone seemed to just want to knock me down today. It really got to me. I have one day off, I get everyone having a go at me. Gemma has weeks and weeks off, but everyone accepts her back into the group.. I can't help it if I'm incredibly ill and can't go anywhere

I can't believe how nasty everyone's being.. *sob* I hate it. Everywhere I go someone has to have a go at me, or have some sort of problem with me.

Maybe because they have been getting away with it? Maybe it's time to set some boundaries?

How do they get away with it? I mean.. I always come back at them with a bloody good reason for not being there.. And it's bever an excuse.

People get me so damned angry and it's all just because I'm being a bit more confident, "with the group" in the group, involving myself in the group more. What the hell's wrong with that? Maybe they see me as a threat now, they're testing my boundaries.. But I won't stand for any of it. I'm sick of it.

If you are trying to convince them and make them feel good about your reason for not being there they will always be able to whip you around. If you can learn that you don't have to convince them of anything and you don't need to make them happy, their power over you will disappear.

Ok, that makes sense.. Too much sense.. :/

I know I don't have to prove myself to them.. And I have actually said that to them, somewhere along the lines of "Luke knows where I was, so I don't need to justify myself to you, get on with your own college life, not mine."

I guess it's because I've always lived by the rule that I have to make everyone else happy or everyone else won't like me.. And somehow it's always happened that if I don't make them happy and I do something for me, instead, they hate me for it :/ so where do I win? I can't make myself feel better by doing something TO make myself feel better if they just make me feel terrible about it, can I?! It makes absolutely no sense!

*sigh* I had a crappy weekend, it was boring.. I went and did some combat work with Dom, in the gym.. I was the only one that turned up AGAIN! So, felt ok about that but was so, so tired. Then that same damned night I got phonecalls from some girl saying that my boyfriend was between her legs and so on and so forth. I had dissociated just before this, when Craig called me asking if I was ok, telling me that Connor was worried about me because he couldn't get hold of me. I told him I was fine, just a bit stressed and when I cursed under my breath he asked if I was sure I was ok.. I just sighed and said "Yeah, Craig. Don't worry about me. Honest, I'll be fine..." Then when this disgusting, childish little girl was on the phone saying these things to me, I just sat there and said "Yeah, ok. Yup. Sure, when he was JUST on the phone to me. Yep. Ok, well I'll leave you to it then. Night!" and just pulled the phone out of it's socket before she could bother me again.

This was the first night that I was actually about to fall asleep early enough. Then SHE interrupted and I just burst into tears after that. I gave up and just whacked my head again and again, wishing that people would just quit making my life such a misery all the time.

Sunday was the worst. I had to spend the whole day in bed, doing nothing, going nowhere. The pains got too much, so bad that I couldn't actually even roll over or anything. So, spent the whole day in bed, bored out of my head and unable to do anything at all

I went to the gym today, despite the pain I just thought 'I don't care how much pain I'm in, I need to do this workout!' Luckily for me, though, the pain wasn't so bad today. So, i went into the gym, the only one yet again, but about 5 minutes later, 2 others turned up *thank God!* and we did some aerobics to warm up, 2x circuit training and then the abs workout. My body hurt then, after doing this on top of the combat on Saturday, but it's ok now. Still planning on going to the gym everyday for the rest of this week.

So.. I'm just at a complete loss as to what I should do anymore to be perfectly honest.. People want to come and see me, have fun, I just want to be alone, to hide away, to stop anyone and everyone from seeing this mess that I am, from seeing how much I hurt, from knowing that I just don't want to be here at all

I dissociated again last night and then once again today.. I didn't come out of it today until Charlene said my name and I looked at her, blank faced and said "wha? Sorry Char, what did you say?" And then it was all ok. I'm just sick of this. It's really getting to me, it's ruining my social life and it's killing me inside. If only I knew how to stop this.

Wanting to make others happy with you would be where I would focus the problem solving on this issue. Do you understand the roots of this need?

Maybe boundaries are part of this issue too? You really don't need to take in and gather all of this info. Don't gather it and you won't be aware of it. Healthy boundaries will put a divide between you and others so that you don't collect all of this info that you don't need and which makes your life more difficult. Healthy boundaries keep people from making your life miserable.

I know they do. Dammit, I know. I just wish that I could incorporate it into my life.
Ugh I'm so stupid I just can't seem to do it! GRRRR I annoy myself so much!

I just came back from bowling, with Charlene and Rich. It was a great evening, just means I can't breathe now... :/ all because of my workouts. Hm. Doesn't stop me working out again tomorrow though. I need to lose this excess weight, shift it, get rid of it. It sickens me.

What info do you mean? All the info about having to make others happy, to make me feel ok? Instead of making me happy to make me feel ok? I don't know.. I'm all confused and in a muddle and in pain and I just want to curl up in a ball..

I was with people today and walked past a bridge over the canal, that Id never really thought much of. One of them said "corr, that's a big drop down into the water" and looking down, I just said "Mmmm". And then it really got me thinking... that bridge.. I feel it could be of some use to me :/ scary thought, but.. I've actually stored that away in my mind as an idea and I'm kinda scared now that Connor's going to come on here and read this, which makes me want to delete it all and start over, but I can't just keep hiding it all away..

I've been thinking of OD'ing again, I've been so, so close and on Thursday, I get my money, which means I can get more pills and such and I'm just like.. Ugh.. I don't know what to do, my head's all over the place at the moment and everyone's just confusing me even more by coming to me with their problems, like Rich and Charlene.. Who can just figure out themselves what they need to do with each other and that is to back off from each other for a bit. Sigh. I'm struggling so, so much and I just found out, through an email, that I should be getting an appointment immediately to see a counsellor for the abuse I've been through *Thanks God!* which is good, but scary, but still good.. But I'm still struggling and I'm still really, really close to the edge and I just don't know what to do What if I cry in front of the counsellor? God, IJ panic so much!

Blah. Sorry. I'm scared and I'm gonna dissociate again if I'm not careful.

it's vicki again
i really have trouble following yur posts and can't figure out where you really are at.
seems to me that yur hurting and mad and depressed but aint doin
nothing about it 'cept thinking up ways to hurt yurself.
been there, but my T kicked me in the pants about it.
think you said you don't got a T
have you found one?
you looking?
i hope i'm not rude or nothing, but i guess i say things like they are.
i'm 14 and maybe i don't got the right way to say things.
but, i don't figure if you are asking for help or just sayin stuff.
i thought about pills and jumping of bridges and crap like that but then i got
to look at the littles inside and knew that if i did that crap, then i'd be hurting them too. s--t, i'd be hurting some little kids just like i was hurt.
they just little kids.
don't know if you gots littles. but if you do, take a look at them. do you
want to hurt them???????
vicki from the constellation

I don't have kids, no, or little brothers or sisters. If i do, I don't know about them and have never met them.

I have actually found a counsellor to help me to deal with my abusive past and should be getting an emergency appointment to get things rolling asap, so I can start to feel stable again. I have yet to find out when I am going to be seeing a psych.

I'm not trying to find ways to hurt myself, I hate the fact that I slef harm and such, really I do, but everytime something goes wrong, it seems I have no-one to turn to, nowhere safe to be, so the only thing I feel I can do is harm because of it. It's horrible and I hate it.

I am doing something about it. At least, I'm trying my hardest to. I just find it incredibly difficult to talk to people face to face about it, especially professionals because I'm scared that they'll section me or something like that, which may sound silly, but it's true. I'm trying to work on it.

I just don't feel so great at the moment because I'm ill and because I can't sleep and it's all just making me feel even worse.. I'm trying.

Incorporating these things into your life take time. You do it step by step. Take a situation, understand it well and understand how you can try to change it. Sometimes you have to try different things.

The info that I was talking about was collecting info if others are happy with you or not. You just don't need this info...........

So do you want to start telling others that you cannot deal with their problems right now?

I am sooooooooooooooooo happy that you will be getting a new counselor!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what if you cry in front of them. I cried a lot in front of my therapists.........

I'm chuffed too!! I know, I know.. I'm just scared of crying in front of people.. You know why.. I'm working on it.. Three people have seen me cry now :/ and one of them was Chris. He was talking to me about some real difficult stuff and asking questions and such. I said I needed a hug, so he hugged me and I cried. He didn't notice, though, but I think he could feel the shaking a bit.. I told him last night that I'd cried when he hugged me and he said "aww. Don't be embarrassed about it, it'd a good thing." so.. I'm like *yay!*

Ummm.. Well.. I CAN deal with it, but I guess when I'm angry and upset, in the spur of the moment, I just can't deal with it. I will start telling them if I do get angry or upset and feel like I can't deal with it. Promise.

Man, my muscles hurt after today..

It's all written in my post in anxiety, panic and phobias. I see you read it, Sannah
I'm going to start trying different things, just like I did with Connor and I. I was too scared to call a break between us because of what it'd do to him, and to me in some ways, but in the end, I knew it was best for us to have some time apart and to heal ourselves for a while, so I did it. I guess he just needed to realise that I can't always concentrate on being the only one working on making the relationship better and such and that he needs to help me sometimes, with the relationship and with my issues, instead of just standing back and letting me struggle.. I see he's started to do that now.. But it's going to be another week or two before everything's finalised, so it's another week or two until we get back together as the couple we once were, but better if that makes sense :/

I think now that I'm going to be seeing separate counsellors that specialise in separate things, I'll start to find it easier to figure things out instead of just working on one thing, or everything at the same time in one 1hr long session. That just confuses me.

Let's just hope things start to look up more.. Last night, I dissociated again.. For quite a while too and almost OD'd again, had the pills in front of me and everything. But then my phone buzzed and I came out of it and realised what I was doing and answered my phone. *phew* that was close. I just hope it doesn't happen again...

This post is filled with good news TPND! Good work!!!!!!!! You be safe okay!

I am in so, so much pain today! It's incredible.. I've been with a friend all day and forced myself to hide the pain.. I felt really low just now and I started whacking my head against the wall again.. I did it so hard that it gave me a migraine I don't know what caused it, I guess it's because it's the evening and I always start to feel low in the evenings..

My friend looked at me and said; "Kirst, are you ok?" I said yeah and sighed because I knew I had a panic attack coming on otherwise. It was believed. I was ok, but I just knew that something was brewing and that I just wouldn't feel ok when they'd gone. It's true. I'm alone now and I said "this is why I don't spend an awful lot of time with people around this sort of time, because I get like this.." Got a hug out of that, which helped a little, but I just don't understand why my mood just suddenly drops like it did

It's really getting to me and I just kept dissociating when my friend was there. It wasn't until she said something, or hugged me that I came back again and just pretended to have been thinking. It's horrible. I'm fed up of it.

When is your appt. with your new therapist?

My appointment with the SWEDA counsellor is on 10th March, the one with the community support officer from SWEDA is on 24th Feb and I'm not sure when the one with the Personal Recovery Services will be.

Hopefully pretty damn soon.

I had a good scream last night and shouted a lot, too. Got a really sore throat this morning, but tbh, I couldn't care less. The shouting helped a little and I gritted my teeth a lot :/ so.. I released some anger, but I'm still all over the place, still one minute crying, then next minute laughing, then shouting and screaming.. It's all so confusing

Thankyou.

I'm really, really weak at the moment, tired, quite withdrawn and generally just feeling like I'd rather die than be living this life at the moment it's really, really not good at all..

I have to go, I don't feel so good.