[Monty_girl]

I lost most of yesterday. I remember getting ready to go to sleep monday night, then the next thing I know I was outside argueing with myself. ( Sometimes I'll start telling out loud and not realize it. Makes me look really nutz. ) It was around 4 in the afternoon and I had been out god knows where doing god knows what. Seems like it's happening more and more often. I've lost complete control over anything. I don't know if I worked or not yesterday. I was suppose to be out seeing client's. But I don't know if I did that or not. I don't know if I was out spending money or doing drugs. I didn't find any si anywhere on the body. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I have to be stronger. I can't let this happen again. Just tired.

[silver_queen]

I'm sorry that you lost yesterday... that must be so scary to find that you've lost time like that with no knowledge of what you did. However, I think that you were in chat for a while yesterday, while your husband went to the store... unless that was on Monday. Something like that, anyway. I don't know how much communication you have with your insiders or whether this is feasible... but would it be possible for you to communicate with your system and get them to journal what they do when you lose time like that, so you can read what happened when you weren't present. If that's possible, it might help. If it's not possible, then I'm sorry. I hope this helps in some way.

((((((((((((((monty)))))))))))))))) if ok.

Silver

[RhysMadison]

I lose time but only hours, not days. So I can't relate to this. I guess try to 'train' (sounds like I'm talking 'bout a dog!) yourself to look at the clock every so often. Write down when you are 'there'. If you are DID & co-cons, have it be known that they account for their whereabouts. Like a job. An idea. Not sure if it will work or not or just make it worse.
Do you have a T you see? Maybe should try & find out why you are losing more time lately. Something always triggers these episodes whether it be a present event or just a memory that flashed inside for a split second.
Love,
RhysMadison

[cat_eye]

(((((((((Monty)))))))))) I hope you're feelin' better.

[Monty_girl]

I'm not managing. I still have the shakes today and the clinching of the teeth. I hate that more then anything. Just makes my whole face just hurt so much. I'm trying not to take anything, because I'm just so confused I can't remember if I took any or not. I tired writing it down, but I got confused doing that. I don't know if everything is just hitting all at once or what. I have T again on friday to continue to work with my suicidal alter and then I have to see my mother this week-end. Plus I'm under a lot of stress at work. They think at work by putting me incharge of planning the enterainment at our training next month will help with my depression. It's just adding more stress. I took one of the other ladies with me today to help me shop. I don't know how I can tell them, I don't go into stores alone. I can't go into a store myself without having a panic attack which triggers my switching. I'm sorry I'm just having a bad day.

[ktp]

you poor dear. been through alot lately. I just wanted to let you know that we're all here if you need someone to talk to. You can say ANYTHING to me, I promise I'm not easy to offend or trigger. Feel free to pm me anytime.

((((((monty))))) -- only if okay.

Take care,
Kimberly.

[Mahali]

Monty,

I wish I had some really good advice to help. I can't offer more than what has been said already. I hope you can find a way to communicate soon and work with the others together. Keep trying. It will come I know it will. You can talk to me if you want/need to. I will help anyway I can.

[dayzee9]

(((((((((((Monty))))))))))))))feeling freaked?

Oh gf, I remember going through days like that. I have about 7 years that I call "The Lost Years" because after 80 ECT's, my memory got wiped. But my SM (soul mate) who has stuck by
side from initial Dx in 1985 until now. He has told me stories that sound like what you're going through now. Damn scary! feeling like you're sliding back down into insanity.... I DO know what you're going through
and it's damn scary.

A quote I keep to my heart, written by fellow MPD/DID ers is: "I do not wish to commit death; but, oh how hard it is to commit life!"

Another you may be able to relate to: "Our condition allowed us to adapt to the most painful of lives; we have already "gone crazy"; We have already exploded into tiny pieces; We've been switching from alter to alter for years in order for what the world calls day-to-day survival"........Followed by "The sweetest words I ever heard were, "No, you're not crazy.....you're a walking miracle!!!"

Montygirl, can you keep a journal? Are you & your "others" aware enough of each other to keep a "running journal?" What I did (thank the maker) during those lost years was to keep a "communication log" Whenever any one did anything, they were required to write a note stating what they were thinking; or like in your case...what/where they were going and we kept little boxes in the margin with the "others" names; therefore, if we were losing time, we could consult the log/journal & check the box.....it's almost like punching in & out of a job..but at least there was a record of activities....even if someone said "I'm having a "blanket day" (hiding under the covers all day) at least the rest of us knew what happened during that time...... Am I making any sense? Are you capable of "communicating" between your alters in this way? It's just a suggestion. It's just something we did to keep from totally "losing it" when there were "air pockets" of "lost time" I would find myself under the covers shaking like a earthquake; BUT I could check the "journal" (ALWAYS KEPT IN THE SAME CENTRAL PLACE WITH PAGE OPEN TO LAST ENTRY!) to see if somebody else took some drugs or what ever...........

I'm sending big waves of "warm fuzzies" your way, girl...I hate to see you suffering and I feel helpless to help & that kills me. You are such a loving, giving, compassionate person(s) I've seen it in your postings over & over again.

Please, PM me if you need to, I can listen---I'm good at that!

I know you're scared, but remember you can always find a lot of loving people who care about you who are only a keystroke away!!!

Walk in peace, MontyGirl........you are loved..........

(((((((((((((((((((DayZee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
("Laura")

[Monty_girl]

Well DayZee " Sometimes you feel like a Nut, Sometimes you don't" Today I'm the Princess Nutz.
I've tired journaling several, several times. It gets to be too much. Because we were always very slow in school. ( At 16 we had a 3rd grade reading level but was doing college level math go figure) We have a hard time writing and reading. I think it frustrates some of my pieces and they refuse to write in the journal. T has asked them many times to keep a journal, and maybe draw pictures instead. But they haven't yet. The paper and crayons are there. I've had what I thought was good communication in the past. But now since I've started working with my new T (well I've been seeing him for almost 3 years now, will be 3 in July) We are doing a lot more work. My last T who dx'ed me, we didn't go into much. We were just trying to get me through college after being dx'ed. And we got communication started with several of my main alters. One's that are out more often. But since I've really started working in T I'm working with another group of alters ( the ones who live in the darkness) I don't have much communication at all with them. I try and leave notes and have check list of things to do. ( Like making sure we eat, they have to check it off if they eat). My T try's to remind me if we are safe then it's OK for them to be out. And I know that the body wasn't hurt, so I just need to give them a break I guess. Ok I had a bunch of stuff in my head when I started this that I wanted to say and it's all gone now. Brain went blank. But I just want to thank everyone for being here. I get really lonely a lot. So it's just nice to see everyone posting. Don't feel as alone then. Take Care everyone, Monty

[dayzee9]

((((((((((((((((oh, MontyGirl! ))))))))))))))))

Yeah, and I'm Mr. Plant Peanut's illegit bastard daughter!!

Ain't we from on the opposite side of the tracks! I got straight A's in English/writing because my grandfather & his daughter (my mother) were both journalists for many papers while I was growing up. My grandpa was always bringing me "How to Write" books like crazy....BUT.....ask me what 7 x 8 is and you will see my eyes glaze over & my mouth drops open like a garbage chute! I barely made it out of nursing school because of "Drug Calculations" w/ all the formulas & etc...my T had to try to tutor me because if I didn't know the answer I bawled like a baby I felt like such scum! So, I guess all my "wonderful" advice isn't going to do jack-s*** for you, huh?

It was wortha shot, I worry about you...ALL OF YOU PEOPLE who have been recently dx'd! It blows me away every time I see somebody post that they were just dx'd because I look back at when we were first Dx'd....total madness!!! I really feel like I can be one of those idiots who say, "I feel your pain, man..." But, I can also stand here after 18 years of therapy, acknowledging we still "have one of those times/days" But, I can look at all of you and somehow know in my heart of hearts......YOU CAN MAKE IT! It's the fight of a lifetime, but hey---CURABLE but sometimes INTOLERABLE!!!

Oh shut up already....man, I can ramble!

(((((((((((((((((((((((( DAYZEE)))))))))))))))

Monty,

You are not alone when you come here and I'm glad that folks here are able to let you know that they understand and believe and 'get' what you're going through as best they can.

I've been dealing with my disability claim lately and insomnia whammied me so I haven't yet been able to comment on your threads. My apologies for that. You write with such heartfelt expression.

I'm glad you've come here and I hope that we get to know each others in the future here.

Take care and you have a bunch of ppl caring and believing in you.

Go as slowly as you need to and stay safe sweetie.