Am I Making This ***** up?--Professional answer? No.

nothing like confirmation to help one feel a bit crazier

please no offense meant to anyone....expression of thoughts here not opinions held about the masses.........I speak only of the experiences of this one body.

don't remember extended session today except asking therapist at end of session if I was making all this ***** up.....therapist's response was 'no I wasn't making this up, this is normal given the extreme circumstances I endured, this makes sense, this isn't crazy, etc.

all of which reduced me to puddles of tears. if this isn't crazy then wtf is? (please no answers to this question)

normal for this therapeutic relationship to include safe holding or hugging when initiated by client. she was holding me as I sobbed and choked out my fearful questions.

I feel like an idiot, a fool, a liar, a faker, a spinner of yarns yet today I'm gently told, once again, that this is DID.

please leave me alone now.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((zh)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((safe hugs)))))

Deleted (sorry)

(((((((((((((((((zh))))))))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{zh}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Take care sweety!
nightdream

zh, I hope you are feeling better today.

Take care.

Big hugs to you!! You're in my thoughts.
Love,
RhysMadison

Zen... I tried to PM you (having turned in to a sometimes lurker) but couldn't, so decided to post.

The same thing happened to me last week. Only it was an assessment, not with a regular t, so no hugs.

I just was so upset 'this can't be happening to me, I don't want this to be happening to me'.
But it is.
And there isn't anything I can do about it.
But deny it... There is always that...
I just wanted to let you know that I understand some of what you are going through with respect to this.
I don't want it to be true either.

I still check my PM's occasionally.
I could pass my email onto you if you would like.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> "There are no short-cuts to anywhere worth going"

Tears are gold star progress! Really! As I once read, people like us w/ MPD(DID) are walking miracles. You don't realize how huge each tear counts for in therapy! comic sans Keep Going!!! It does get better! <font color="red"> </font>

It's fine.... most mutliples do think they're faking... and whether you or aren't, we can still forgive and support you.

Hey zh, so sorry for the battle raging within. I care.

zen,
That sounds like a a tremendously difficult session. Take it easy for awhile. Any watsu available?

I'm thinking of you.
gg

so the layers come undone and the pain pours out.

not a pretty process nor one that makes sense to the body experiencing it.

and not a happy camper here either. choices that *I* do not recall agreeing to have been implemented much to my disgust.

whooosh down they go after the whiterabbit.

((((((((((((((((zh))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((zh))))))))))))))))))

Big hugs to you from me as well! (((((zh)))))
Love,
RhysMadison

• wanttoheal Thank you sweetie for thinking of me.

• Fuzzybear Thanks for safe hugs and for being considerate about posting…..although I can’t imagine your kindness being unsupportive here. Silly bear!

• silver_queen Thank you for the hugs and for not forgetting about me when I’m not around.

• nightdream I’m trying to take care……..I sure am trying. I pray for your safety and peace too.

• place I wish I were feeling better dear. I really do. We’re in this together here with plenty of those who understand firsthand instead of being booksmart about it. We’re becoming more DIDsmart.

• RhysMadison You’ve been in my thoughts a bunch lately as well. Thank you for the safe hugs. I miss you when you’re not around here.

• alexandra_k I was wondering how your assessment would go. It has to be hard dealing with the public health services available in your region. The group of ppl you are already in contact with back on the psych. board is a good one to continue on with. As one who has read there from early on (pre 2000) I’ve followed many who deal with this issue. I’m willing to bet that more similarities exist with that group and yourself than between the two of us. I don’t have the PM feature on as my ability to keep track of things is limited. DID isn’t an easy dx but in many ways, if one can believe this, it is easier to find help for than for BPD. I wish you luck in receiving the help you are deserving of. A year ago you were considering studies in the States….is that option out?

• dayzee9 Thanks for the encouragement. How long have you been dealing with your dx? Thank you for the attachment.

• Daggah I hope that you and all of your Pack soon get the help you all need. You’re all young enough to start healing earlier than most.

• wisewoman I thought we had applied for passes off this amusement park called life……at least for a day or two to catch our breath!

• gardenergirl Closest watsu is in city and at a cost beyond my ability to pay. Sounds lovely though.
<font color="purple">_________________________________________

I guess there is a better/worse/better rhythm to this as therapy touches on whatever is in the core. That's my theory anyway.... I'd quit therapy and meds if those options were available to me at this time. Almost makes me long for the days of hopeless depression and despair.......at least that was familiar to me. This is unfolding in ways I coudn't have anticipated nor known to be ready for. Again, there isn't a manual for this so how am I supposed to know when this is good and healing and when I need to seek extra support?! I've all but stopped going out with ppl I don't know as I'm afraid what could happen...not of them but of my behaviours since I'm finding more and more things I do not recall having done </font>

Dear zh,

It is so hard to tell...as you said.. when something is good and healing or a need to seek extra support. It all hurts the same sometimes.

I am sending you warm, positive, support that you may get through this as safely and painlessly as possible.
You have great strength. You can do this.

Please take great care.

Thanks for your response. There are a lot of people who have been wonderfully supportive and understanding to me through this process (from both boards).

The specialist is writing up her assessment reccomending that the public service fund someone suitable from private practice to work with me. I shall just have to wait and see what happens there...

I am still waiting on my US applications. Haven't heard anything yet which I am thinking is a bad sign. Still, will just have to wait and see. I knew from the start that it was pretty unlikely, though. Still, will apply to Australia in October (different funding rounds for the different hemispheres) and the chances of my obtaining adequate treatment over there are much greater.

>I’m willing to bet that more similarities exist with that group and yourself than between the two of us.

I am not sure what you mean. But after having thought about it I do think that communicating via boards is a much safer environment. Especially if we are both freaking out rather about the dx.

> I wish you luck in receiving the help you are deserving of.

Thanks. I wish the same for you. I hope things get better for you in the near future and I hope you don't go through more pain than you have to and I send my best thoughts your way.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I am not sure what you mean. But after having thought about it I do think that communicating via boards is a much safer environment.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Basically that there are different viewpoints offered up by ppl in different stages of their healing and the group you've been with is one that appears to fit better from an outsider's perspective. As someone who has read your path over this past year. That is what I meant. The folks who contend with this dx whether or not they admit it is DID go about it in a different way due to the guidelines there. I find this forum in particular refreshing in its support for dissociative disorders. In contrast to other sites this isn't a place to argue dx with ppl or 'offer' up what one deems supportive. From back when this forum started I put this in a thread:</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'd rather that people understand that SUPPORT often means NOT asking questions that only satisfy the person asking.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Some ppl spend their time in their heads trying logic and ration to face this. Then one learns that they cannot fight this with brains. One cannot make their own brain understand its reasons for splitting in the first place until enough safety exists to handle that type of revelation/memory.

As for freaking out it is natural to move through levels of denial in regards to the dx. This particular thread on its own would seem as if I cannot handle what dx I have yet in context of more posts and years of posting it is merely a blip on the healing path.

hey again zh. I am clear that I have very specific parts of me with specific jobs but I wouldn't call it DID. Even still, it's hard to let all of us be heard and to share the voices with T. She got to meet the angry teen anyway. It's more like developmental stages in me in some ways. Except I have a protector who does things that hurt me in order to protect me from outside pain. I am working with her to reassure her that I am safe and hurting us only makes it worse. Anyway, wanted to share this with you. Still hard to go to the places because it's like a family feud starts though I am totally aware and can facilitate a lot more now then I used to. My trick is that all voices feel heard.

Thanks for clarifying. I think I understand a bit better...
One thing I did notice about this board is that it is careful to provide a 'safe place' for people. That is nice.

I also have a questioning side to me, however... A very rational side... I need to make sense of things and have a drive to do this in a fairly relentless way... This has led to me 'justifying' that the disorder is possible. I presented my 'justification' at a couple of philosophy conferences and it went quite well. A middle ground between the relentless scepticism of Spanos' Socio-Cognitive Model and Putnam, Gleaves, Ross etc Post Traumatic Model...

But yeah. I like to question and consider things abstractly and that is probably of equal importance to me as support is.

I agree with you about asking questions that only satisfy the person asking. But to me education is more than that... There is an intrinsic value in coming to understand.

I understand that the urge to deny comes in waves. It does for me too. Sometimes the dx actually feels like a relief. The assessment was a mixed blessing. It was so wonderful to speak with a clinician who seemed to understand what I was saying. To not have to backpeddal from the inevitable 'psychotic' interpretation of the voices etc. To not have all the typical 'borderline' assumptions made about me. A relief. But also fairly terrifying..

I am sure it is not an easy journey...
But we will get there...
All of us...

I hope people don't mind if I post over here occasionally.

I will remember - keep it supportive.
I can question over on the other board if I get the urge.

PS. I didn't know you read my posts

If living in a DID world is life, and like an amusement park, I WANT OUT OF HERE
Marie