my fault? need help with this

I discovered 1 1/2yrs ago my husband after confronting him w/finding well over 500 txt messages,letter writing of compliments,concern to a woman 14 yrs younger,single, he claimed was just a friend.His txting to her was with me in the same room alot of times,he lied about who he was txting. He swears they had no sex, I know they spent alot of time alone together so I am skeptical. He refused counceling expecting me to forgive and forget and act like it was as he said, nothing.

He gave her money for bills and some spending money,in letters I found she thanked him for advice,his caring about her well being,and nice words.I didn't recieve but two during our 5 yrs together before this,he said I should just know without recieving compliments. He has never been the talker type, many times a day or two with not more than 2 sentences from him after my begging for conversations, but it appears he was able to talk,txt and be who he was there but not here at home to his wife that gave 100%.

During the 5 yrs prior to finding this, he has rude to the point of not answering me if I spoke to him. Snapped at me for no reasons which I repeatedly said I was tired of. This would get better for a bit then resume.
Now year and half later because I didn't forgive and forget as he thought I should after his claiming there was nothing, angrily answering any questions from me then silence. In over 500 txts that I haven't recovered yet he said it was a bunch of stupid stuff.

I am in periodic therapy alone,cost reasons while he goes about his daily life. At this point I don't ask questions about his job,who he talks to or much of anything. This woman he was txting moved,he may or may not have contact with her,I dont know. I am trying to resume my life and do for me. He is very short with me,speaking less than before. I feel like I am being punished for not doing as he thought I should have done after the discoveries. A few eve. ago I said I was tired of his attitude and not answering me. He turned it around that I didn't talk or did this or that,and asked so it's all his fault? Like that was then,this is now, my actions now of keeping myself busy with other things is the reason for the marriage in the condition it's in now. Is this typical for a person with denial at the onset of what I found with his just a friend to now act rude because I am not doing what he thinks I should?

I am ready to move on because there is no sign of his attitude improving but getting worse, as if I owe him now, because he said he was sorry a couple times then I should be as he thinks the same as before.

Painsme,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I don't want to be the one to give you this advise but here goes....
If he doesn't want to talk to you about this or even try couples counseling he doesn't seem to want to work on the relationship.
It's pretty clear to be me he was having a "relationship" with this other person. Most likely physical...betrayal is betrayal. Lack of respect is lack of respect. Someone who is not WILLING to even make an effort won't.
Maybe it's time to think about your own needs.?? You are worth it. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You can't change him but you can work on changing yourself. At the end of the day thats only thing anyone really has control over.
No, it's not your fault. Don't believe this for a minute.

He was caught fooling around so you owe him nothing, he should be the one to try to make things right but clearly he has no intention of doing so. He may have feelings for the other woman that he is in denial about and causing him to become closed off from you. If there are no signs of improvement I say it's time to move on. It's not easy but for your own sanity and well being it's a must. Good luck

Oh brother -- so he's going to turn things around and try to make YOU look like you're the one who has caused the marriage to go bad, right?

I agree 100% with the others. He has no intention of working on things, or else he'd go to couples counseling. If you ask me, he's trying to make things as miserable as he can so you'll leave him and he'll be free to follow this woman! I may be wrong, but that's what it looks like.

He denies there was nothing "more" to it huh? But yet there were over *500* texts?? Well, if he thinks people will believe there was nothing more to it, I have a bridge in New York to sell too! LOL

I'm not going to tell you to leave him -- I don't know your financial situation. But i sure wouldn't stay where I was treated like the furniture. I think I'd take him for all he's worth! And then I'd make a nice home for myself. LOL

God bless and please take care. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee

Thankyou to each of you for replying. I am in the process of digging up every plant I worked hard on the past 5 yrs. This was something I enjoyed was flower gardening and landscaping. I have moved all of it to another location I will be living at. He complained I was taking up the yard space, versus a yard that was un pleasing prior. I said when I started removing what I planted he would have his yard back. Just another step in the process. After I found out about "the friend" he gave 2 gifts despite my firmly saying I wanted nothing from him,no cards, nothing. Doing the basic household stuff to a minimum completely quitting the things I did for him,like the 180 tactic suggests doing,instead of doing,quit doing, that didn't seem to phase him. He remains firm with "I did little wrong",helped somebody tho lying for months,doesnt justify he thinks the way the marriage is now. The thorn that really got me was after I found out this stuff he has some things of the friend's still in the house that were given to him. This is another part he seems fine with going along with the I did nothing wrong but help her. So I got caught lying but nothing happened!!!

I have to be careful how I say this, because I'm speaking as the guilty one in an affair. My wife certainly did things wrong - she's lazy, irresponsible, physically violent when she gets angry... But you know what? What I did was my fault, NOT HERS. Ok, so I was on a manic episode and made poor decisions - I still made the decisions. My bipolar doesn't excuse my deliberately seeking out and reconnecting with an old flame and leaving my wife for her.

Your husband is not behaving like a person who regrets his behavior, just one mildly annoyed with the consequences. If he was sincere, you would hear genuine apologies and see dramatic changes in his behavior. If you think your time together justifies an attempt at reconciliation, lay all this in the open for him, preferably with a therapist or counselor. If he refuses, you have your answer. Cut your losses and get away from him.

Right after discoveries of [Just a friend] he had I read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I implemented 180 turn arounds refusing to do all of the things I did prior to this,going extra distances for the right meals,serving them to him while he sat and watched t.v.after his day at work, ect. I said I was insisting on both of us going to marriage therapy. His statement was "why should I go to a councelor and have them tell me to tell you I'm sorry when I already told you that? After that it was no longer discussed. He made a point to tell me forgive and forget, it was in the past, past could mean yesterday to him, he wanted to get on with his life. The other eve, after he stated he had enough problems to worry about,job,his grown kids, ect and had no time for problems here I assumed he meant he was not interested in repairing anything especially after a year and half has passed, he mentioned nothing in regards to the friend, or little else for that matter as if now punishing me for not being the doting wife as before. I have begun the process of removing my things from the house, he has not mentioned anything in regards to that either, no questions as to what I'm doing or why.

Thanks to all for replying

Good For You!!

I'm so glad to hear that you've taken the step(s) to save yourself from (what sounds like) a toxic & destructive relationship.

Just as an FYI, if you are a reader you may want to find the books written about verbal abuse - Patricia Evans has written 3 very good ones. From reading your posts I'd have to say that he is verbally abusive. Not responding, acting like you're not there, etc. is actually verbal/emotional abuse. Thank God you do not have any kids ... living in an emotionally abusive environment is poison.

Some (myself included) say this type of abuse is worse than physical abuse ...

Keep moving and file your change of address with the post office.
*Don't waste your energy on spiteful actions, no matter how good they might feel or sound at the time. Keep it for yourself and the challenges that are ahead.

as i moved along your thread i got the feeling that you were telling my life story happenned same to me. the pigs they think one or two sorries will cover the mess they've done of our lives and we stupid wives doing our best to support and be nice to them inspite of their faults. mine was out seeing but did a child with me in between. mine too never had sex but the message i read about their doing was so good not enough etc.. rats..

i wanted to divorce but unfortunately don't have proper support to move on with my child coz i'm not living her with him so i'm still with him trying to fight the feeling of disgust and anger i have for him.
and mr acts normal going about to say that we happy again with my family want to smash his head out.

feel like crying or just living everything but i can't my motherhood don't allow me.

u have kids?
hang on dear hold your head high up and walk straight they are the ones who sinned so y punish yourself for that. and from now on you won't have trust and faith again i'm still about reading his mobile but will he be stupid enough now to leave trace again if he going ahead with that.
his wife he doesn't have tme for but the other woman txts during whole day and tells her that he has neva met anyone else better than her. ****.
sorry

my head not right today in my fits today will get back to you just hold on and take good care..

He treated you poorly before his texting "friendship" and he treats you the same way now, after it is over. There are big underlying problems that have nothing to do with this dalliance with the "friend." Why does he treat you like crap? It seems to me there can be no saving this relationship unless you and he fix the basics like communication and respect. It sounds like he checked out of your relationship long ago and he has no intention of trying to improve things. He's hung up on the "friendship" and thinks apologizing for this is all it takes? It takes him trying to relate better to you, conversing, not ignoring you, giving you the time of day, saying more than two words. He doesn't get it. Sure there are two people in every relationship, and there are probably things you could have done differently too, but you sound willing to change and try counseling. He is not. He was done with this relationship long ago. It reminds me of my own marriage, now over. I am divorced and so glad not to have that constant pain of living with someone who couldn't be bothered to treat me as if I were human.

I also recommend the books by Patricia Evans. I honestly did not know how bad my marriage was until I read one of her books. I remember there was some kind of checklist in the book about how to know if there was any chance for your marriage to be repaired. My marriage failed every one of those questions. It was long dead. Very hard to read that stuff. The book was an eye opener for me.

All that aside, what is odd is that now that I am divorced, my XH and I actually get along very well. We have two children and have shared custody and we communicate well about matters that concern our children, we sit together at school events, etc. Seems like a miracle considering how bad the marriage was. Our divorce went great with no power struggles and bitter backstabbing. We may not have had a good marriage, but we had a good divorce. Guess we finally did something right.

Good for you for digging up your plants, by the way.

Can I ask why you want to leave your home and not him?

Thanks to all that replied. I haven't been here in a while so here's whats happened since I last presented my problem to you all. I had 1 surgery at the first of May. Babysitting my 2 1/2 yr old grnddaughtr after surg I knew I would need help so I moved in my son's place which is close to where the grnd daughter lives.Extra people that helped me w/her and I also wanted the time and place to destress from the last 2 years especially. That was the 1st of May,I have recieved 2 txt messages from him since then. The 1st one was asking me if I wanted to go out for supper w/the grandbaby, I said no I was busy. After all he hadn't asked in the last several years why start now. The 2nd was in regards to the baby as well.
My daughter still goes to his house to take the grand daughter to visit him. They (her and her boyfriend) weren't on the best of terms prior to my moving out, now they all get together fequently and have had outings with spouse going to the zoo,out to eat,or carry in, he has given her money for car expenses,other things like phone bill ect. She is my daughter,and they are on friendly terms now. Money talks I guess and quite frankly I don't care. They (daughter,her boyfriend,my spouse and baby are going to the beach a couple mnths from now. Odd I couldn't have paid him to do anything but now since I am not living there they have something always going on. Two years before I moved to my son's place I started as stated before removing all I planted, after working very hard for several years prior to have a yard I was proud of. After the (friend) discovery it never took on the same appearance so it was best to give it life elsewhere. Which was a good move for the plants as well as they have thrived tremendously here. I am adjusting slowly, and finding many times of less stress that I had there because of disruptions to his schedule with my babysitting hours. He mentioned to my daughter he should have talked to me more. I thought it was inappropriate of him to mention it to her, as in none of her business sort of thing. He didn't think to talk to me then why mention it to her now? So I am progressing slowly, I recently terminated my therapist to begin with 1 that is closer to my own age. The previous 1 was ok but I felt I was unable to progress within myself to finally come to an end with spouse and his (just a friend) relationship. I am still going to seek other therapy because of difficult times of rationalization, not to the point of returning to spouse but just a couple nagging things that are hanging on I need to address for closure. The biggest being his non chalant attitude after I discovered his friend, as if it was acceptable and I ended up feeling like I was blamed for the demise of the marriage because I didn't forgive and forget. Thats been a tough one.