[hockeymom]

Hi there...I am new to this forum but have an issue I could use advice on. I have been married for 10 years and the relationship has been going downhill for years. We do not communicate, have a terrible sex life and have just a generally unfulfilling marriage. This is partly due to me (I am a recovering alcoholic for over five years and the dynamics of our relationship changed a lot when I got sober, and honestly I am a bit of a control freak) and partly due to him (he's a workaholic, won't commit to anything, and is a poor communicator). I do not hate him, just feel indifference and feel there should be more to a marriage. Sexually I do not enjoy him touching me, although I do have a sex drive. I am ready for divorce but am financially stuck and I don't know what to do. We discussed divorce last December, but due to a family crisis, our discussions got put on the backburner and we never did anything about it. He does not want divorce at all, is very hurt. I have agreed to counseling. We also have children and I have to consider their well being. All that said, I think divorce is in our future, but it will be a few years before we will be able to afford to go through with it financially. I don't know how to continue to live like this for that time. He is a very good person and a good father, and I want what is best for him - I would love to see him find someone who can love him the way he wants to be loved. I just don't think that is me. I have started talking online with an old friend and we have been making plans to meet specifically for a weekend fling, no strings attached. I feel more alive and desired/desirable than for years, and want to go through with it but know it is not a very responsible move to make. I feel very stuck, and don't know how to handle any of this. I am a good person, my husband is a good person...but what do you do when your relationship is over and you can't get out?

[Leed]

Well, first I would NOT go on a weekend fling. If your husband found out (and they always do somehow) it would hurt him beyond imagining. He doesn't deserve this. Secondly, I think I'd get some counseling for myself and then after the therapist decided, I'd bring my husband into the sessions. You both need counseling and badly. You're not communicating and that's a BIG problem in marriage. Neither one of you are mind-readers, so you don't know what each other is thinking or wants. You can't have a marriage like that. Make the appt. for counseling as soon as possible, and STOP talking to the 'old friend.' You must try to save your marriage. If you don't do everything you can to save it, you'll regret it in the future, believe me.

I wish you the very best. Please take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[hockeymom]

Thanks for responding...and I know you are right about the old friend. I have tried to talk to my husband about separation and it is like he doesn't want to hear it. I am clearly one foot out of the marriage, but I don't want to do anything that will hurt him or anyone else. But is staying in the marriage out of guilt healthy? Then there is the other problem that I can't leave anyway because of finances. So I'm stuck. We have already been to counseling for a few months, and I have agreed to start up again, and we went to counseling in 2004 or so. It's not that we haven't tried, and as much as I want my family to be together, I want them to be together healthy, not like it is today. With therapy we communicate better for a little bit and then fall back into old routines. That's both of our faults, but this will be the third time we've tried to "fix" what's wrong. At what point do you just accept it for what it is and peacefully say goodbye?

[3xmom]

Originally Posted by hockeymom

Hi there...I am new to this forum but have an issue I could use advice on. I have been married for 10 years and the relationship has been going downhill for years. We do not communicate, have a terrible sex life and have just a generally unfulfilling marriage. This is partly due to me (I am a recovering alcoholic for over five years and the dynamics of our relationship changed a lot when I got sober, and honestly I am a bit of a control freak) and partly due to him (he's a workaholic, won't commit to anything, and is a poor communicator). I do not hate him, just feel indifference and feel there should be more to a marriage. Sexually I do not enjoy him touching me, although I do have a sex drive. I am ready for divorce but am financially stuck and I don't know what to do. We discussed divorce last December, but due to a family crisis, our discussions got put on the backburner and we never did anything about it. He does not want divorce at all, is very hurt. I have agreed to counseling. We also have children and I have to consider their well being. All that said, I think divorce is in our future, but it will be a few years before we will be able to afford to go through with it financially. I don't know how to continue to live like this for that time. He is a very good person and a good father, and I want what is best for him - I would love to see him find someone who can love him the way he wants to be loved. I just don't think that is me. I have started talking online with an old friend and we have been making plans to meet specifically for a weekend fling, no strings attached. I feel more alive and desired/desirable than for years, and want to go through with it but know it is not a very responsible move to make. I feel very stuck, and don't know how to handle any of this. I am a good person, my husband is a good person...but what do you do when your relationship is over and you can't get out?

WOW, reading this, i could have written it. Other than the financial piece. I have a good job, and can afford to LIVE away, but my parents are helping with the divorce. I have been married for 15 yrs, together for 17, and for the last 8 it has been horrible, and getting worse each year. he gave up basically on life, gained a ton of weight, won't work, won't get medical help.. and i found myself not wanting anything to do with him. For the kids sake I thought i could stick it out til my youngest was 18, but i found myself withdrawing more and more every day. I also work full time, and need to be On for my job.
I believe we are both good people, and wish him well and much happiness. I also found someone that i was immediately attracted to, and did move ahead with something.. i have to say though it was NOT a good idea in the long run. I think i needed someone and Still do for affection, and friendship, but the rest really needs to wait til I am mentally back where i need to be... It made me SO much more lonely afterwards, as i was Still alone, still married, and i was not ok with me.
Does that make sense? I would say, BE friends, go and meet him if you want, but try very hard to NOT have that level of intimacy.. If it is supposed to BE, it will be there after you get things settled. It will make you feel even more depressed having to come back and live a life when you want to be elsewhere.
Just my opinion...

[Leed]

Well, I sure can't tell you to STAY, although I guess in the other post I did, didnt' I . LOL But what are you going to do with the kids? Is it really fair to take them away from their dad? Or won't they care? Will HE care? See, the kids are ALWAYS the ones who get hurt in these things. Always. We THINK they'll be able to handle it, but stuff always comes up and bites us in the butt, whether it's behavior problems, or depression, or whatever. They always get hurt.

I know you're unhappy where you are, but please think long and hard about these kids before you do anything, because what you do CAN affect them LONG into their adulthood, believe me. My granddaughter is struggling now due to her parents' breakup, and she's been in counseling for many months now -- and she's STILL struggling. She has an excellent counselor, but there's lots of work to do.

So think long and hard. I wish you the very best. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[hockeymom]

Thanks again for the replies. It does make a difference to know that others have gone through these types of things. Leed, I agree that the kids are the ones who get hurt in divorce, and that is something I am strongly considering. If we were to divorce, I would ensure they spent equal time with their father because they need him and he is a good dad. But even though divorce would not be great for the kids, I also don't want the relationship my husband and I have now to be their model for how relationships should be. And I think they deserve a mom who is happy and not so...tense. That affects them negatively as well. My husband and I are always walking on eggshells around each other, and show little affection. There is little laughter in our house. And as much as we pretend that things are hunky-dory, the kids can sense what's up. I think they deserve better, but I don't know how to give it to them. I know I have to be happy in the other things in my life (my life is very full aside from my marriage). As for meeting with the other person, I am on the fence. We are just friends - and neither of us want a relationship. But (and this may be TMI) sex is important and when it is gone for so long from your life, something has to give. I know it's not a good idea, but it's the first time I have felt anything remotely physical in a long time. And isn't a physical life important, too? This is not impulsive, I am thinking this through, but I see both sides. I agree with 3XMom that I am needing someone for affection, but it also may be true that I am not in the right place mentally to be making that kind of move. And really, if I have to sneak to do it, it can't be right. I am so frustrated about all of this! There just doesn't seem to be a good solution. Sometimes I think maybe I expect too much from my marriage. Maybe they all fizzle out. But then I think - no, it's more than a fizzle. We aren't even really friends, but two people living together with nothing in common but their children. Anyway, thanks for listening to my ranting. I don't guess there's a magic solution to any of this, but I'd like to handle it a little better than I seem to be handling it now. So any thoughts are welcome.

[shezbut]

Hi hockeymom,

I do understand where you're coming from, somewhat.

Personally, I really believe in "til death do you part", but I also know that both sides of the couple have to be equally devoted to this concept. If they aren't, it isn't going to work. Plain and simple.

I'm not sure why you're putting off the divorce for a few years (due to finances). What does that mean? Until a house is paid off or something like that?

My ex and I were lucky in that we didn't own squat, just owed money. So we went bankrupt and then divorced. He kept the home, as I couldn't afford payments anyway. I kept my school loan. Pretty simple there. It does become much more complicated when custody is brought into account. First, you need to determine if you can possibly do 50-50 custody. That's what's usually best for the children. From there, income levels & child need are determined through some sort of charting system the courts have.

That's how the court decides who gives what amount of money. Personally, I highly recommend that you work through mediators to both 1) Avoid the court and 2) Make the process less painful, more give & take.

In the meantime, I really do think that you should avoid dating. If you feel frustrated with excessive energy, go to the gym regularly. Pick up a fun class at a local community college. Something that will get you into a healthier state of mind, yes, but it won't cause pain to others (or yourself, in the long run).

Hugs sent your way!

[MomOf3TKL]

I was just curious how things have gone since your original post? I had some thoughts but wanted to check in before posting them