[jxk65]

Heres the story. Been married for 9 years where I have assumed things were overall pretty good. My wife has been telling me for several years that my over/emotional behavior was an issue which I tried to deal with myself by conciously altering my behavior. She recently told me that she had fallen out of love with me and that we needed help. Well, we have been to five marriage counseliing sessions which I feel have helped me identify and deal with my co-dependent behavior that I have from growing up in an alcoholic family. However, she still has tremendous anger and resentment towards me to the point she doesn't want any touching, positive compliments or anything from me. I have always done everything for her, laundry, dishes, vacuuming etc. to show her I want to be part of the team. I take our two daughters myself whenever possible to give her time for herself and hobbies. I have received no compassion or desire from her for about two years and sex was cut off totally about four months ago. Tonight we were working on an exercise that our counselor told us to do and it backfired. Basically In a nutshell my wife began to cry because she said that the only man that loves her, she may never be able to love again......what am I to make of that or do.. I can't even cuddle with her, I am so lost and scared......

[eskielover]

I really don't know what to tell you at this point other than just keep working on the marriage....it didn't get broken over night, it won't get fixed fast either & it takes a lot of work for any relationship that has been broken badly to get fixed. It's possible, but a difficult road to walk.....one doesn't just turn off then on again the love for the other partner in the marriage.....it takes time to rebuild the broken bridges & a lot of communication....you might not be able to cuddle her to make her feel better in the physical sense....but you can choose the approate words to show her how much you care & do it with words, not through physical means....it will at least show her that you are THERE.

Relationships are the hardest thing in the world in the first place & after they are broken....even harder to mend......it's all possible depending on how bad both sides want it.....but NOT EASY...takes a lot of time & patience.

[jxk65]

Thanks for these positive words. I am totally committed to trying to repair/rebuild this relationship but I quickly get overwhelmed and depressed when those words of "I don't love you anymore and am not sure i ever will" rollout of my wife's mouth. I agree that these things dont happen overnight and will not be repaired overnight. We should have seeked counseling years ago to bite this in the bud so to speak, however, I have taken ownership and responsibility of my issues and am working on them. I get the feeling I have waited too long to seek help and now no matter what I do we will end up in a divorce or strictly "roommates" both of which neither of us want..." I am trying to be patient and comfort all I can with words but am also having major anxiety about the "what ifs" this doesn't work, are we wasting everyone's time, will we be going through a divorce leaving our family broken, both of us single and me totally broke..........this is the scariest, loneliest and most helpless feeling/that I have ever had. Hoping for a miracle.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. It sounds like you're working HARD at repairing this marriage. What is your WIFE doing to help repair it? After all, YOU aren't the only one in this marriage. SHE has to take ownership of it too. I'm sure there are things that SHE must work on too!

Eskielover is right. This is going to take time. I hope your wife is willing to wait long enough for it to get "fixed." It took 9 years for things to get where they are, so repairing things will be a choire -- it will take both of your to compromise. You need to learn how to communicate for one thing -- and how to do it without fighting!

Gosh, I hope you two can work this out. I know how hurt you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Anytime you want to talk, just PM me -- I'll be here. God bless and PLEASE take care. Hugs, Lee

[jxk65]

Thanks lee for those supporting words.. My wife is working on not being to critical of me and tryin to work through her anger. She has been a little less angry but it doesnt take too much to get her to a breaking point.. I just don't know how long I can emotionally pour myself into someone who just last night said again that she is not in love with me and may never be. Every time those words come out of her mouth I feel crushed all over again. I am trying to remain positive but i really don't know if and when we need to stop trying and move on, its very overwhelming. I know this will take time but I get these feelings that it isn't going to get any better. For now I am taking it a day at a time for my two beautiful daughters, hoping my wife will start to love again. Feeling lost, lonely and scared.....

[nicoleflynn]

It sounds to me as if she needs her OWN therapy before going to counseling as a couple. It sounds as if she has issues having nothing to do with you. Perhaps she might consider getting counseling alone for awhile.

[sunrise]

What does your marriage therapist say? Does he/she have a direction in therapy for you two?

Good for you to work so hard on this, jxk65. I'm glad to hear your wife is working on some stuff too. I liked Nicole's suggestion about your wife getting individual therapy too. It sounds like she has things to work on independent of the marriage problems. Whether or not you come closer right away in marriage therapy, you can work on communication skills such as listening, not bristling and getting defensive, speaking to each other using "I statements", not blaming, being direct, not making assumptions, etc. I like the communication model described in the book Non-violent Communication. Your marriage T may use a different model. Good luck!

[LightningMan]

JXK, your situation sounds similar to mine, including being an adult child of an alcoholic. I know this may sound contrary, but doing so much for her might not be a good thing for you or her. And besides her benefiting from individual therapy, I think you might as well.

[jxk65]

Originally Posted by LightningMan

JXK, your situation sounds similar to mine, including being an adult child of an alcoholic. I know this may sound contrary, but doing so much for her might not be a good thing for you or her. And besides her benefiting from individual therapy, I think you might as well.

Just got back from our sixth therapy session and I get more and more depressed as this goes on. My wife says that she wants to start by being friends and she is pretty sure can not love me anymore. She also says i have not been listening/hearing her for the past 9 years which has brought us to this breaking point. I am working on my communication skills however her anger towards me and the situation we are in make it like walking on eggshells...I am suppose to work on "reconnecting"with her by just discussing a part of my day that I felt good about. I am going to to try my hardest and avoid any arguing with my wife. I have always been a quiet person and kinda shy but that doesn't mean that I am a bad person or a bad husband. Our therapist has not given up but I am at a point that I wonder "what's the use".....my wife seems to be ready to give up any romantic/emotional aspect of the relationship but I can't.... Am I selfish to want some sort of romance in our relationship? It has been 6 months since we had any sexual connection and for the past year I have sensed her being disconnected and really not interested. I am scared, overwhelmed, frustrated and ever so alone. Wish I could wake up from this terrible dream. The only thing I am hanging onto are my two daughters and the hope that my wife will fall in love with me again so we don't become another divorce statistic.

[Wyrd One]

Do you have any updates? Any encouraging developments?

I don't have any helpful advice unfortunately, but I feel like I'm on the same track as you, just a few months behind.

My wife, out of the blue, just said she felt like we were growing apart and she didn't feel as connected to me anymore. That was about 2 months ago. See my post in the Relationship forum: "She's falling out of love with me" for the full story.

Yesterday morning she said almost those same words you dread to hear. "I feel like I've fallen part way out of love with you". Crushing, even though it implies some of the love remains.

It's so confusing right now... she doesn't feel as connected to me, she said she's not comfortable having sex with me any more, but she still also says I'm the love of her life and she can't picture a future without me.

Yesterday after I got home from work she wanted to cuddle on the couch, and we still kiss, and she still says the words "I love you". I just don't know how to feel about this or towards her right now. I still love her as much as I ever have, but at the same time her attitude towards me has shifted so suddenly and so drastically, that I don't feel entirely the same way about her... it's like she's turning into this other person, not the same woman I fell for 11 years ago.

So I don't have any helpful advice, but I wanted to say you're not going through this kind of thing alone. I'm very scared, confused, and hurt by this change in my wife's mood towards me. I can't imagine just falling out of love with her... ever. I can't believe she can do the same to me.

Originally Posted by jxk65

She also says i have not been listening/hearing her for the past 9 years which has brought us to this breaking point. I am working on my communication skills however her anger towards me and the situation we are in make it like walking on eggshells...

The only thing I am hanging onto are my two daughters and the hope that my wife will fall in love with me again so we don't become another divorce statistic.

Hi jxk65 - im sorry to hear your having difficulties in your marriage, this truly does sound like a miserable situation. One point i hear again and again is that your wife apparently doesn't love you anymore. If thats the case then i don't really know what hope there is for the relationship. You cannot make people fall in love with you again - if the spark isn't there it isn't there.

Also, if you're trying your hardest your wife can't really ask for much more...i wonder if you are both equally commited to resolving these issues - when theres an imbalance in effort there will only be more problems on the horizon. If she experiences frequent anger towards you how are you supposed to listen or hear her? She can't have it both ways...

If you are prolonging the situation now just for your daughters i would seriously consider breaking things off. It sounds as though this is what she wants but doesn't quite have the courage to do it. I personally wouldn't wait around to be told im no longer wanted - if you can't sit down and discuss whether you both want to do therapy because you want to be a better partner in the relationship and save the marriage, i don't see the point in dragging the situation out. Theres no shame in being divorced - yes its the last thing anyone would want to resort too but if you've given it your best and it just isn't working i think it shows greater strength of character to walk away. Just my thoughts. I hope this situation resolves positively for you i really do.

[Dan12345]

Really is heart breaking reading all of this, you can do it mate, show her that your sorting yourself out. 9 years is a long time and i don't believe in falling out of love in such a small amount of time. I have 100% faith you can be a lion.

[jxk65]

Just as update...things are improving a little between my wife and I where we are not arguing all the time. Therapy has identified issues on her end where she needs to deal with her frustration a little more tactfully, communication and respect. It has worked sometimes but is something we need to work on daily. Still little affection and no indication of any intimacy...just trying my best to be a great friend, communicate and pray she will become attracted to me again. Maybe it is just me but no affection/intimacy for the past 8-9 months leaves me frustrated,lonely and scared of what's ahead. Another session tomorrow so we will see what that brings. Thanks to all for the words of encouragement and support.....