I don't want to be divorced

My wife is strongly considering divorcing me and has been for about 2 years. She has been incredibly unhappy for at least the last 4 years of our marriage. I don't make her happy, in fact I hurt her more than I make her smile.

I don't want to do that to her.

First, a bit about myself and the situation. I apologize for the length. I'll try to be concise.

I'm 33 and she's 28.

I am her only real relationship and she was a virgin when we met. I've known her for 10 years, we met when she was a freshman in college. She was 18. I had just returned to school after a few years off (I wasn't ready the first time). I have about 220 hours worth of classes, a BA in history and a minor in music, only lacking 9 credits and a jury for a double major in music.

We got married in 2006, she asked me and I was reluctant. She considers "forcing" me to marry her (she didn't, but she did lay down an ultimatum - either I marry her or we go our separate ways) the biggest mistake of her life.

We moved to CA in 2007 so she could go to law school. I was supposed to be her partner and help her through the next 3 years of what was sure to be, and certainly ended up being, pure torture. I failed. Due to the economy (2007-2011 were really bad years), my personality and a host of other factors, jobs were hard for me to find and keep. Ultimately I fell into a big depression and she ended up not only supporting me during most of her 3 years of law school, she stood by my side and was a real partner.

She recently had two deaths in her immediate family, her father and brother. Her father's death, due to their poor relationship, did not affect her nearly as much as her brother's, who she was only a few years apart from and very close to. The deaths were sudden and unexpected. She spent the summer in her hometown, but had to return to CA for her 3rd year of law school, where I still wasn't much help. After she graduated we left CA.

We have since moved back to her hometown, temporarily, while she gets a scholarship fund started in her brother's name. She doesn't want to practice law, but she did get a great opportunity at a major public university to teach legal writing classes, and since she loves teaching she took it.

We've been planning to move to Colorado this summer or fall, in order to restart a business that we had initial success with in CA.

The area we are in has experienced loss of jobs, economic depression and is generally a pit of despair. It's a dying state and the region of this state we live in is already dead. The one job I've been able to find I had to leave as the owner couldn't afford to even pay minimum wage to his employees. I have had no luck finding other work here, and truth be told I don't want to. I did, however, try. I can't stomach serving tables like I'm 19, or working for $7.50 an hour at some pissant job with no future. I want to get to CO as soon as possible, where I can restart my business, find jobs in the winter sports industry (I instructed snowboarding at a resort while in CA), or just generally take advantage of the much better economy in CO.

We're currently stuck in a small cabin on her parent's property. It's only 600 or so sq. ft. and she has been saying for years she needs more space and time to herself. She has hardly even been able to grieve since her brother and father were killed. Anyway, I'm clingy and needy, and being confined to small housing exacerbates this. We got into a big fight this morning because her libido has been practically non-existant for years, and I made some snarky comments about it while she was getting ready. She's sick of me being unable to understand what she needs and that I don't hear her when she talks. She feels unheard, like she's worthless to me and that I only care about myself. This is all mostly true.

Now, a bit about myself.

I'm intelligent. Tested and verified IQ of 147 minimum.

I wasn't really raised by my parents. My father was military and just wasn't very "fatherly". My mother is asian, could barely speak english (still doesn't well) and for the first five years, if I remember correctly, pawned me off to a nanny and housekeeper to be taken care of. We lived in the Philippines where my father was stationed from 1980-1985, and household help was cheap.

My mother had an aneurysm in 1991 when I was 12. She survived but is paralyzed on one side of her body. Even with the military paying most of the costs my father still blew the vast majority of his savings covering physical therapy and other medical costs.

In general, I don't really remember much about my childhood. I shot lots of birds with my bb gun, tortured a few animals to death, and was generally a kind of anti social kid. Most of the kids I knew I thought were dumb anyway, so I ended up with not many friends. Even then I was also arrogant and condescending, so that didn't help matters. I also loved setting fires as a kid, from about age 6 to 10.

By high school I didn't shoot things anymore, other than the occasional hunting trip. In my junior and senior years I partied a lot with my friends. My dad got alcohol for us and we'd drink in a second room in our backyard. He always felt it was better for me to do it where he could keep an eye on things. I was pretty responsible about it, believe it or not. I didn't drink or drive, I didn't get into fights etc.

I got kicked out of band after 10th grade, due to poor grades. I was an excellent musician with hopes of Julliard. My director and principal did their best to find a way to keep me in the program, but the districts rules were strict. I lost direction then and floundered for years. I joined the USMC, but essentially quit before finishing bootcamp. I got suspended from my university for academic reasons. I ended up taking Lortabs 3 times a day for almost a year in my sophomore year of college. I didn't abuse it - I have degnerative disc disease and was not given any treatment for it except the drugs. I never became addicted. I think the amount I was taking contributed to my poor grades. Once I got suspended from school I found that physical activity, exercise etc. would alleviate and all but cure the degenerative disc disease, so once the pain went away I stopped with the meds. No withdrawals, cravings etc.

After the attempt in the military, I reapplied to my university and was accepted on probation. I started with a new major, history, and got all As and Bs. I made the Dean's list. I applied to law school and was accepted. I couldn't afford to go, however, without help from my sister. She said she'd loan me $5k to go across country to Los Angeles where the school was. The money would pay rent deposits, cover moving expenses etc. until I could get loan refunds to cover my living. Well, 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave, she withdrew her offer of the money and I was unable to attend. All she did was cover the non-refundable seat deposit, which my wife (girlfriend at the time) had paid.

My wife said that is when things started to seriously go downhill for us. Depression, anger, anxiety etc. I'm not the same confident, outgoing, albeit arrogant and cocky person I was.

That was 2006 and I still don't think I've recovered.

Back in time a little... in 1998 I got my high school sweetheart pregnant. Long story short, she left, didn't put me on the birth certificate as the father, fought me tooth and nail when I hired a lawyer to establish paternity, and when I couldn't afford to continue pursuing paternity via the courts she left the state and I haven't heard from her since. I am now trying to establish paternity again. I would have done anything for that girl, and I have never felt that since except for the first year or so of my relationship with my wife. I want to feel that way again.

I barely talk to my parents, and since I left CA, where they live, I haven't spoken to my mother at all.

We've done some marriage counseling, though it was with students who were working towards their master's in a supervised university setting. I've gone for myself a bit as well.

Most of our marital problems are definitely my fault. My wife has been the best wife anyone could hope for.

A short list of my own issues:

I'm very selfish and unable to feel empathy even on a very basic level. I find it hard to feel anything in general, and even when I do the feelings are very short-lived and I have a hard time recalling exactly what the emotions felt like. I have a hard time caring about anyone but myself. I'm extremely defensive. I have personal and political views that do not fit in with normal society. I dislike most authority. I don't listen well. I'm dismissive, even of my loving wife. I have a hard time thinking about her needs and wants. I don't sacrifice well. I feel very apathetic. I don't do things without being asked. I'm inconsiderate and in fact I consider politeness to be a waste of time. I can be condescending and often am.

I make my wife fight for everything she gets from me, whether it's cleaning the house, or going to spend New Year's with her in New Orleans. I can't stand my own appearance and intentionally avoid looking at myself in a mirror. Sometimes when I see myself I don't even know it's me, that's how unfamiliar I am with my own face. I can't stand to be wrong, going so far as to make up facts to support my position, or outright lying. I make excuses for my behaviour constantly. I have serious impulse and anger control, and I am entirely too sensitive to what other people say. I take offense very easily, probably because I'm extremely insecure. Until my last two years of college I had never made good grades in my entire life. I graduated high school 76 out of a class of 77, and my school was filled with a bunch of idiots.

I don't know if I really know what love feels like, or how to love.

There is so much about my personality that is flawed and terrible. I've spent years just getting to where I could see myself clearly enough to understand what's wrong with me. I don't want to be this person. I don't know how to change and I can't afford a therapist. My area does not offer any form of free or reduced charge mental health. I don't think people around here even believe in it. Medical care here in generally is literally about 35 years behind the rest of the country.

I don't know if I am capable of changing, or being helped. I don't know that I don't have severe anti-social disorder, or maybe even some aspects of sociopathy. I think the fact I absolutely do no want to be that kind of person means I don't have those problems, I certainly hope so.

I want to feel what other people feel. I want to love like my wife loves me. I'm tired of feeling dead and empty. I don't want to be that person. I feel pathetic for having to come to a forum for something like this, but I don't think I have any other choice.

Any advice is appreciated.

You sound alot like my Husband. I am not real sure what is up w/ him. I do think it is beyond his control. He doesn't want to be difficult he just is. I have been married to him for 18 years and it has been very hard. He appriciates nothing, does nothing to help. He sat in the car at wal-mart and let me load groceries into the back of the car in the rain and it never occured to him to help. I feel badly for him. I feel badly for you to. Unfortunately if he doesn't change we are headed for divorce. I can't do it anymore.

I don't know the answer to your situation or mine. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this. My H and I are seeing a marriage T. It is helping only to show him what he is doing is not right. It has not helped him stop completely though. It has helped a little.

I'm very sorry for all of the pain.

What are some things that you like to do? What people now (if any) do you feel you connected (or somewhat connected) with?

Hi "Frustrated" ~ Wow. You are painfully honest. That's a good trait.

You say you can't afford therapy. My friend, You HAVE to afford therapy!!!! There is NO OTHER WAY OUT of this! You've got to find SOME way to pay for it, because without therapy, you're sunk. There is no other answer.

You have too many issues for us to even TRY to help you, and besides, we can't diagnose and treat mental illnesses anyway. All we can do is advise -- and MY advice is to ask someone to pay for it, get a loan, or whatever --- but definitely go to therapy!!! Otherwise, you're wife will leave and you'll go on being the same person you are right now. Without the tools to know HOW to change, it just won't be possible.

I wish you the very best. My prayers are with you my friend. God bless and please keep in touch. Hugs, Lee

Frustrated Leed is absolutely correct. To save things you guys need T. You alone could benefit from T. What a small investment if it saves your marriage. After a T sees that you are serious and are going to stick w/ them they can sometimes cut you some slack financially. I payed for mine at one time w/ rolls of quarters. I paid what I was supposed to for a few sessions and was upfront about not having the money to continue. I saved my change and paid every time I got a roll of quarters. The T gave us price breaks, a free session for my B-Day, mothers day, Christmas. She was able to write some of it off as a credit because she was helping those who could not pay. It took me about a year of saving all my change to pay her completely off. It was so worth every quarter dime and nickle. It saved my quality of life at the time. Now my H goes and we are getting stronger together.

It is a worthy investment. If things do not work out with you and your wife the same issues you have now will only follow you to the next relationship. If you are gonna pay 1000 for a week long vacation why not pay 1000 to save your marriage. One week vs forever. You tell me.

The first exercise you can start doing on your own while looking for a T is practicing being polite. Politeness is not a waste of time. By far. You are not going to get anywhere in life without politeness. Politeness is the glue that hold civilized societies together. And it is not that you do not know how to be polite. You do! In the preface to your long post, you apologized to us for its length. Well that was the right thing to do! So you have the skill. Use it. First, use it with the barista or whoever serves you. With random people with whom it would be easier. Ultimately, with your wife. Start cleaning without making her ask for it. Husbands who clean without beiing asked are priceless. Your chances will improve dramatically if you do this single item, consistently cleaning without being asked.

I agree with the others that you could benefit from therapy. You seem to realize that you know something isn't right, and admit to a lot. That's a hard thing to do... and very brave.

I really hope you find the help you need. I can't help but think by reading what you wrote that you may not think you're ready, but you are ready for some sort of change in your life. Hopefully with the right tools and talking to someone who can help, you can make these changes for the better.

Good luck to you!

HammyB. Wise words ! I couldn't agree more !
My dear Mum (r.i.p. Mum) always said 'manners maketh the man. '
I can't advise other than what's been said above, but you've accepted faults or insensivity, that's great , because it's a tool to build and change. Small steps.
'Don't expect anything from a pig but a grunt' is another saying. Well you don't sound like a pig to me, you have skills, use them. Social skills have to be practiced, like any skill, use it or lose it.
Smile, at people, say good morning at the shop, make their day, watch their smile. Small effort big reward.
Slightly off topic, and tongue in cheek humour before I get told off !
My friend ( lost touch now, I miss her) once told me to go for a walk, in the park, I was a bit low and needed a lift. I asked her 'what for ?'
she said 'make friends and smile' my reply 'chat to strangers ?'
'No, just smile at the ugly people' But her point was, I'd giggle around the park smiling, looking for the ugly people. Of course I tried, I smiled , at everyone !
Then they were all beautiful, and so was I !

I can say one thing....you sound very much like my H who I finally left 5 years ago after 33 years of tolerating him.

He went to therapy....but all it did was give him a place to blame others for his failures rather than working on anything.....T for him was useless. Yep, he had a high IQ like you.....but no common sense, no ability to communicate & yes, I had to fight him for everything & I got sick of his lying by just not telling me important information.

He was a looser before I married him & I knew at the time the problems I had issues with....but stupidly listened to my mother because he was a NICE person..........but he was only nice on his terms when he wanted people to see him that way. Those same things I realized were a problem before getting married to him only got worse over the years & it was the best thing I ever did in my life was to leave him........

I can't say that it wouldn't be the best thing for your wife to leave you either.....but not seeing the big picture & only seeing it through my tinted view...I can't judge the situation.....but you can want to change....but if you aren't willing to do the work that's necessary to change...Therapy will be useless & unless you get a T who requires you to work & change it will be useless also because if you are like my husband there is no internal desire or drive to force change.

I can only with you the best.....because I honestly see how miserable my H (stbxh) is in his life & I can see how peaceful & happy I am completely away from him & want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again in my life because any contact only brings back the angry feelings that overwhelmed me to the point of seeing red before I finally left him. The contrast in my life is a total miracle & my past is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I hope you will want & will put in the effort to make the changes necessary to just be a better, kinder, more caring person so that you can have a happier life. You are what you are now only because you have lived that way for so long....but personalities are able to change with the same amount of practice that created them in the first place & a lot of heart for wanting to change.

Don't be the same jerk that my stbxh is.....you don't have to be & it's not necessary to hold onto a personality that arrogantly doesn't work. I know I would have been so pleasantly surprised if I had seen even a little tinge of change in my stbxh...but I think by that point I had lost so much respect for him (which really never was there from the start) that nothing he could have done at that point would have made me love him.....realized for me that without respect, I can't possibly feel love.

I wish you the will to change....but if not, I wish you the grace to let your wife go without a fight. I get the silent fight from my stbxh...his complete lack of action by refusing to respond & communicate.......it's going to be such a wonderful relief when this divorce is final.

I can't say that I don't understand your wife 100%. Change isn't easy & it does take a lot of work.....one of the reasons my stbxh had no interest in changing because he is lazy & refuses to do anything that takes any amount of work...if it doesn't come easy without having to put any effort into it, he's not interested in participating.

I wish you the best in this & that is to change because I know how miserable it is to live with someone similar to you.

Best wishes

Hi, I myself am recently separated and spend most of my time with regret, thinking of mistakes made in my relationship.

I can relate to not being understanding, caring or loving enough. A helpful resource for me has been "Emotional Intelligence for Dummies". A handbook for people wanting to understand empathy and adopt it into their everyday lives.
The idea of a book telling me how to care more seemed insulting at first but in started resonating after a while.

I always seem to be told how I put my feelings first, and only seem to understand after its too late. I hate apologizing for breaking my family's hearts when I know with some thought and in the moment mindfulness, I could have validated their feelings and made a step toward a better relationship.

I hate myself when i make bad choices and that prevents me from loving myself which in turn prevents me from loving others...

I think I share the same personality change as you described ( I feel broken).

I hope this resonates somehow for you.
BUT....

Don't Give Up! Light a candle in your darkness, keep asking and looking for help. Maybe spontaneousness and more positiveness will help you both find the love that brought you together. If you do love her, show and tell my friend.

Show and tell.
Good Luck