Is my relationship making me unstable?

Been with my sig other for 21 years. We are both divorced. I have no children, his are grown. We have been unsteady for years and just got used to it. There have been times when I have been unhappy, but since losing my mom and my job, I feel I want to leave. Although he is a good man, I feel I did not choose wisely. He sorts his change daily ... Quarters and dimes go in his jar, pennies and nickels go in the "community" jar. I feel this represents the disconnect in us.

Do I leave or am I just stuck in the grass is greener syndrome which is pulling me down further?

You didn't give much background in your post. Are there things going wrong in your relationship, or are you just feeling disconnected?

It sounds like you might be depressed. If that's the case, then I would hate to see you throw away a 21 year relationship with a good man for no reason. You might end up regretting the choice and fall further into despair.

Have you asked your significant other for support during these recent major losses in your life? Have you other people to support you during this hard time in your life?

I am depressed, no doubt. I have a hard time putting things into written words, explaining the lack of background. I tend to think and talk like Ellen Degeneres ... In long, wide endless circles.
My SO and I have had problems for a long time. He was hurt terribly in his divorce, she took his children away, as well as his home, car, and all his belongings. I was recently divorced, great job, and in a good place ... My burden had been removed. SO told me once his ex said "sex is not love" and now I see what she meant. When I am sad, depressed, or in a really bad way ... He wants to respond with sex.
15 years ago I quit my job to relocate with him for a job he got. He said he wasnt going to "support me". I wasn't allowed to go when he interviewed to see if I would want to live there. He accepted the position without really discussing it with me - and it was 6 weeks post major surgery for me. We moved, I was unhappy, and after one year we returned. Our relationship has never been the same since, strained and feeling lack of respect.

I lost my job and haven't been able to get back my security. He is self employed and claims we can't do it on just his earnings (I comtribute with my inheritance savings right now). I am not able right now to support myself.

I feel that if we part ways then all my aches, pains, and depression will once again go away. I would move to my sisters area, but then I'd leave my dad. But am I chasing someone else's life? I'm not happy in mine right now.

I'm sorry this is all jumbled, but my mind races and I have difficulty getting it down.

There are only two people who have any clue of problems. My dad, but he thinks its the loss of my job. My sister, and she said it all sounds familiar (she was there to help me leave my ex, and then helped us relocated back home ... But now she is retired and is keeping her distance). I can't ask for help because I can't be truthful to myself, let alone outsiders.

Not knowing much about the details, as the previous poster mentioned, it's difficult to assess the situation. I would suggest that you seek a counselor, (psychologist), for 3 or 4 sessions, then see how you feel and consider whatever options you discuss with your counselor. Perhaps one will be to seek marital therapy.

I am divorcing after a 20 year marriage. In my case, my husbands behavior along with a "Jeckyl & Hyde personality was obviously making my bipolar condition, (diagnosed 2007,) unstable, along with his anger, rage, and control issues. In 20 years we had marital counseling more than once...

I have a pdoc who graciously agreed to see both of us for a few sessions. After that, I returned to my individual sessions and he scheduled me for more frequent appointments, (which I needed).

After much thought, I consulted my attorney and served my husband divorce papers. Before I did that, I had literally begged my husband for a brief separation of 4 to 6 weeks to give both of us a break and space to think things through. He had a place to go (his bachelor son's home). Then I bargained---3 weeks, 2 weeks, etc. He refused. ( I had nowhere to go, or I would have gone...). All I was asking for was a separation. It MAY have saved the marriage but again he would not compromise. He is now living at his son's and I am living in our home and are in the divorce process.

I admit, I've had my weak moments, but I read over the journals I kept about our interactions and I don't want to live that way. Arguments everyday...verbal, emotional, psychological abuse, etc.

The other day, (he was gone Sept.), I was thinking that I have not heard anyone raise their voice to me, slam doors, curse, be sarcastic and mocking, issue ultimatums, name call, etc. This divorce process is uber stressful, but there is an end to it. I am 58. I resolved that I would like to live what life remains in happiness and peace and I can't do that anymore in this marriage.

Sorry you're having such a rough time. What does your sister think of all of this? Is there anything she could do to help? Have you discussed it with her?

Bless your heart. I have to agree that staying with him is probably adding to your depression. His lack of really caring and the fact he doesn't support you either fiinancially or emotionally doesn't help at ALL. I feel he's a cold man who hasn't gotten over his previous divorce and he never will without counseling. I don't know if you want to approach him on the subject of counseling and I highly doubt he'd agree to it from the things you've said. But you can try. However, I think you've made up your mind that you'd be better off without him at this point.

Why are you so hesitant to leave? Is it that you think you will have made the wrong choice? You're miserable NOW -- do you think you could be MORE miserable with your sister? I doubt it. But it's possible, I'm sure. Either way, counseling is available wherever you end up. And counseling is what you need, my dear friend. Depression is something not to be taking lightly. I've suffered from depression since I was a child, and have gone thru therapy several times and I've never regretted it. I'm sure it will do you a lot of good!

So whatever you decide, please have a doctor refer you to a good therapist and find what issues are causing you such problems. I wish you the very best! PLEASE let us know what you decide and how you're doing, okay? We DO care. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

My sister says "I don't know what to tell you" - she's playing it safe this time.
My other sister is stage 4 BC.
SO does support, but he doesn't want to be sole provider. I believe he learned this from his father. His ex cheated on him big time and I'm sure even 21 years later he is still traumatized from it. He says he loves me and will help me, but I'm not sure he really knows how to help. He won't get counseling for himself, says he doesn't need it (but agrees I do ... We tried it once and it went very badly). I went years ago with success, but restarting recently didn't go as well ... I will admit I'm not willing to face the truth. I don't want leaving to be the solution ... I love him and our dog (our cat he can do without). We have a lot of "stuff" a which leads me to what I think may be another layer of problem (and probably belongs in another post)

I agree, this is a big mess and no doubt multi-layered. Can't go anywhere without employment.