My mum moved in, divorcing my father. Now what?

Hi Everyone,

This may be long winded so I apologise if it makes no sense.

I am new to this forum and just need some small words of advise, clarity and support in my recent decisions and how changes are now effecting my life.

My parents recently (about 6 months ago) advised they are going to divorce, their marital home was placed on the market (sold within 2 weeks) and both my mother and father moved in with me. To cut that part short, the house sold faster than expected and neither had considered alternatives. We dont have family here in AUS and as the good daughter I am I offered my father temp lodging in my home and my mother general lodging, maybe even long term lodging depending on circumstance. My father has since moved in to a rental... now here in lies my issue.

My mother has been living with my partner and I (I am 22, he is 32) for about 3 months now. We both agreed to accommodate her, short or long term unless it becomes unbearable. (Thank god I have such a wonderful partner). The situation came about since my mother hasnt worked full time in over 15 years (sporadic work every now and the, maybe 2+ days a week - never full time) and she has always relied on my father financially. She is the one who called for divorce knowing financially all she had to support herself is the amount they both agreed upon during house settlement and partial amounts of my fathers super.

My mother flew home to her parents - intending to live there, thinking they would support her... after a few weeks that didnt work out as they were (I assume) putting fire up her *** to work full time and learn to support and look after herself if she couldnt face being with my father. She ended up coming to me and moving in. Thinking it would be a walk in the park for her and she would have more financial freedom.

As of late, she has been working 3 days up to 7 per week earning an income 2 blocks away at a small shop. (Which is what she needed to do because we are not paying for her or supporting her). She has her own room and tv which we installed plus has full access to the house and everything in it. Usually we cover 90% of all food and bills, unless she wants personal items for herself and as for the phone well she pays a few dollars if she has been making international calls. All good.

Recently I have started full time university and had to quit my job (I am looking for another) and while I am accommodating these changes I seem to have to always accommodate and support her. She has attempted a few times to assert her authority as my mother and expects things to be a particular way. I am beginning to feel mildly uncomfortable with how things are going... and I have woken up this morning with a number of thoughts and feelings towards the situation we are now in:

- I feel somewhat used, as I (being her daughter, she does have a son my age also but he doesnt live in his own home and cannot offer any genuine support of any sort through this divorce) believe she has moved in with me thinking it was a better option, no one to tell her what to do and what not. Or because she is my mum she thought it would be different.

- I feel she is guilt tripping us in some ways. She earns significantly less that my partner (who is covering me at the moment (by choice)) and always happens to voice that she earns less so we can cover such and such etc. I feel this is not fair in any way shape or form. She is a grown woman and should have considered her financial circumstances and what would happen before she called for divorce.

- She is taking over my space. We have a small 3 by 2 so we dont have much individual space. She can be helpful but also extremely lazy and i feel like I have to be the adult alot. Covering dinner and accommodating her and my partner. Changing my washing days or she complains etc when its our house?

- She has started to add her personal opinions when it comes to my relationship which I feel is none of her business (though it is unfortunate she is in my space) and has made some points including this morning about how I stress over nothing...(may be true but my personal space is now hers and I feel like I am constantly having to prove through actions what is expected in our household - making sure I clean everyday, dishes are done, dinner is cooked etc.

- When I discuss things with my partner he chooses not to communicate about it. He is happy dont get me wrong, always accommodated for. But he wont support me while she is here, maybe considering doing dinner or cleaning up more effectively etc as its my mum so he doesnt want to have to get involved. It is only small things I would like a hand with so its hard for me to comprehend.

Aside from all this plus more (sorry I am extremely aggrivated and confused, and just need to get some stuff off my chest). My mother is a hypocondriac and
constantly makes excuses, is negative and for whatever reason has a belief that someone is expected to look after her and support her.

In the long term I am in fear I am going to be stuck with her, supporting and looking after her. I dont know what the future holds but she doesnt like having to work (she walked out on her job twice) luckily she got it back. She talks negatively about everyone and everything. Can be a real hypocrite and makes me so frustrated. I watch how she treats my things and talks and cant help but associate those actions as things she would have attacked me for and berated me for, had I been in her home and using her things.

I feel really angry, hurt and stuck.

Please help me clarify my thoughts. I feel so alone in who I can speak to and I am trying hard to be a good person. I feel personally no one has considered how everything is affecting me.

I am sorry if my post seems off to everyone? I dont know if this situation is an odd one or what but I dont understand... if my mother has chosen to divorce my father. Who was going to support her financially? I dont feel its my job as her 22 year old daughter to cover her?

What happens in future? She is never going to be able to afford her own mortgage unless she meets another man who supports her financially. Who was going to protect if the situation is different and I hadnt given a room. What options would she have had?

Am I being unreasonable and cold?

She needs to move out. I have no idea how you make that happen, but you can't support your mother at 22 years old when you are just starting college. It is wrong for her to expect that of you. Extremely wrong.

I would google 'out of the fog.' It's another forum for people who dealing with family members that have personality disorders. I don't know if your mother has one, but you'll find a lot of people who are in similar tough places, dealing with parents that are not taking care of themselves.

You are not cold or mean for wanting to live your own life and have a normal mother/daughter relationship.

I agree with hvert. You are not cold and mean for wanting your life back. It's not as if your mother was suffering from a terminal illness or old age or something. She chose to get divorced and she's going to have to figure out how to support herself and find her own place to live.

It's not your job to take care of your able-bodied mother who does not like working, either inside or outside the home. You did a wonderful thing by offering them shelter when their lives became chaotic. But it's just not fair to expect your partner or yourself to support your mother. If you're 22, it's likely she's still young enough to work and take care of herself. You've given her time to get back on her feet. You did good. Your next job is to figure out how to get your own life back.

If the situation continues as it is, you may see your wonderful partner withdrawing and detaching more and more. The fact that your mother doesn't do her fair share of household chores while she's being 90% supported would be enough to cause resentment in anyone except an extremely wealthy person with money to burn. Does that describe your boyfriend or you?

If your university offers therapy services to students or if Australia's medical system covers therapy, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor, not because you have a mental disorder, but because you need some guidance to help you figure out how to avoid enabling your mother's dependency. If you don't get some help, you're likely to end up feeling resentful, depressed or anxious, as well as estranged from your partner, while your mom thrives like a pampered cat. That just wouldn't be right.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this difficult situation.

Thank you guys I will look into it. I know she does have some mental issues (though I am not sure what exactly) unfortunately I believe this is who she is and these days I have no tolerance for anything she says or does and no interest in whether she is putting things on or genuinely has an issue. I will look at what can be done but the moving out part - I have no idea what to do about that. I guess I was hoping she would crack it and leave on her own terms. My partner is attempting to support me by reminding me that I dont have to accommodate her needs all the time and her personal preferences in our household, needs or wants are not before our own. Even small things I find hard to work around. I constantly have the tv on low - as not to upset her in her area of the house. Make sure things are available, I even advise her of where we are and when/if dinner will be sorted or not. I automatically action and make my decisions based on what her expectations were in her home when I lived in it.

Thank you for your opinions and support. I will check out the other forum. I hope I can find a happy medium and come to an arrangement, the moving out part is a discussion I do not want to have

It may be a decision you'll have to have. You're too young to be her caregiver, which may be another forum here, to check out?(partners/ caregivers of those with Personality Disorders)

It may result in a short to long term rift. She's leeching off you, at this point. She should have money to settle in somewhere, find a roommate or a rental, from the house sale?

If I were in that situation, I would NOT put up with it. My self esteem and self respect would not let ANYONE use me again, so I would stand up to any Users and they would either back down or there would be a HUGE FIGHT!
I would apply the same principle to a Guilt Tripper (my mom was one) because good self esteem and self worth WILL NOT allow it! I'd put such a person right in their place if they pulled that stuff on me now!
I would google: Assertiveness training and LEARN HOW to deal with such a person, mother or not. I would not allow any of that to happen to me now that I know what my rights are!
If someone did that to me now (my wife's mother tried it!) I would stand up them and make it very clear that I WILL NOT put up with it! I would let such a person know how FAR I will go if they push it!
I would never allow anything to damage the relationship with my wife/partner nor would I tolerate my partner cutting off communications with me because of a troublesome in-law. I would work with my partner to make sure we are still in good communication and able to make things work no matter who is complicating our life. I am lucky though to have a partner who sticks by me - NO MATTER WHAT!
If I were that angry and hurt, I would take a very strong and determined stand to get my life back and do whatever it takes to DUMP the troublesome person. I have worked on my self worth so I would not have allowed such a person to move in with my wife and I in the first place, but, even if I had, I would still stand my ground and back the trouble maker down each time they displeased or offended my wife or me. I simply would not allow anyone to walk all over me ever again - it was bad enough when I lived in my parent's unhappy home as a dependent, frightened child! I credit self esteem work for showing me that I have RIGHTS and how to claim them. If I were you, I would think seriously about WHY I am allowing my mother to do this to me and then I'd figure out HOW to put a stop to it - that's what I would do.
good luck,
jim