[Vhern1]

Hello-

I’d like to share my story here because I am at a crossroad and my next move will have major impact on the lives of many, first and foremost with my wife of 20 years, my 3 children (19, 17 and 15) and everyone who touches our lives. I’m many ways, I’m just like everyone else because I too am deep rooted to the world; no-one exists in isolation.

The issues in our marriage are longstanding. Damage has been impacted from both sides. I can’t change the past. My view is that my wife is chronically obsessed with every facet of our children and that alone is more important than a husband or my place as father. This has led to isolated through the years. Today I am a stranger in my own home. Our relationship now is tortured and only directive in nature. Aside for a rare short burst of name calling episodes, our relationship has been respectful and never abusive. We’ve had counseling on 3 occasions, the last ended in my acknowledgement of separation. I’d like to skip separation process altogether, I believe my life over the past years at home (isolated) has been the separation.

My intent now is to leave swiftly and minimize any negative impact on my wife, my kids, or me. I’ve begun the process of cleaning out most every material thing in my possession. This has a calming effect on my mind. At first releasing of items was hard, but I find the more I let go of the easier it is gets. My goal is to leave my current home for my family fully intact, yet move out and start somewhere new free of clutter (things). I don’t anticipate need for return to my current home. I don’t want to fight over children, they are near adults now and when are ready can see me on mutual needs.

Perhaps I may end up alone (I am 50 now). However, that is quite alright. I am in good health, attractive and can churn the charm as needed. I have had a really amazing and successful life and outside of my marriage, I am actually doing quite well. My overall goal is to allow myself the opportunity to enjoy moments in life that would typically bring happiness and joy and I would want the same for my current wife. Today, life is dull and gray, most every day and especially on weekends.

I believe my next step is to file for divorce, although I may need to file for separation first. I don’t know, this is my first time at this. I am currently in the process of separation of finances; I am also the breadwinner for the home and family.

This is my story,… any support, recommendations, and prayers would be appreciated in advance.

Thank you.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Vhern1, and welcome to Psych Central! Your marriage is not the only one that suffers on the altar of parenthood. I assume neither you or your wife wants to start dating again and getting re-acquainted.

I am concerned about your children, although I know that staying married for their sake is not always a good idea. I think there does have to be a formal separation process, but I am not sure.

Please keep your relationship with your children a healthy and caring one. The worst thing divorced parents can do is to badmouth the other parent and/or put the kids in the middle of things.

I wish you well.

[Vhern1]

Thank you. That is good advice (formal separation process). I did have a long discussion to my wife. No surprise, but she appeared surprised that I am far down the path. The children and their well being are very important to both of us, and hopefully we can be smart enough to work through the hurt and anger and come to a mutual understanding about next best approach. She sent me an e-mail (I do not like getting e-mails) stating that she understands I have made a decision however she will not be going in that direction. Well, that is where I am at. Thanks for your support. Regards,

[eskielover]

A lot of times stay at home women focus on their children as their whole lives...their whole purpose for living.....a choice that both of you made at the time you had children.....that being said.....your wife & you both soon would end up being empty nesters.....a whole other phase of marriage anyway......& maybe your wife is holding on even more with that concept in her mind.

Was there love at the beginning of your marriage.....I ask that because in my marriage I realize there was never love.....I had too many issues with my H & too much lack of respect for him even before the wedding & love never grew & flourished in our marriage.....so my leaving after 33 years & like you....I lived separated in my own home for over 13 years before I finally left......but there was never any love......the difference.....

It doesn't sound like there was really anything that took any love away in your marrige, your wife just redirected her love all to her children.....as she took that as her career & her whole life's purpose.

With marriages like that....the spark of love is usually still smoldering even though it doesn't look very bright at the moment......but many times it can be rekindled.

Are you serious about the prayers.....do you have any religious beliefs in your marriage?.....Focus on the Family does some really wonderful work at pulling families back together in situations just like yours....

The Focus on the Family Help Center counselors are here to listen and pray with you, as well as provide initial guidance and resources to help you and your family thrive. Arrange to speak with a licensed Christian counselor at no cost by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357) Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time. Due to high call volumes, you may be asked to leave your name and number for a counselor to return a call to you

Here is also their web site that you can browse & see if there is something that might help.
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I know that you said you have gone through counseling 3 other times....but if it was anything like the T that we say (also my own private psychologist who ended up also being H's own private psychologist).....& also worked with us together.....he wasn't the quality psychologist that I have learned really exists....so it doesn't surprise me that nothing came from it....but then....I had grown to feel so much anger & hatred over those 33 years....there wasn't anything that was going to heal that situation.....even though I have come to learn what physical/mental issues are behind his behavior....it doesn't change that I can no longer tolerate it.......but it doesn't sound like your marriage is really at that point.....so there is always a chance that it can be revived. Yes, your wife & you need to take your marriage relationship back to what it was before children.....but if there is really nothing there blocking that from happening & the marriage really started out based on real love.....there is no reason who you wouldn't be able to revive your relationship IMO.

[Vhern1]

Thank you for your insightful response. Yes, and we dated for 8 years before we marriage. It was a wonderful time in our lives. I characterize it as young love, day's filled fun and sharing the world and its potential together.

I believe the onset of separate lives started right before the birth of our 3rd. It was about then that our differences in parenting styles were fully realized. The more she made children her career, the more I made work a priority (or vise-versa).

I agree with you, in that I was never too impressed with counseling sessions. However, it did help to provide a conduit for communication between us, in the end my wife gave up on the sessions.

Am I spiritual? Yes. My wife, probably a bit less. However, we practice our spirituality quite independent of each other, that is an interesting observation, I've never really thought about that.

Today, I have lost hope. Given up. Been here too many years and too many times. I feel defeated. Not able to invest again. Ready to move on. To go home (I travel quite a bit) is Hell on earth. At home, I am alone, sleep alone, wake up alone, just alone and wondering why I still support this misery when there is so much more I could be doing with my life if I just move on already.

Thanks again,

[Vhern1]

Also, thanks on the info on Focus on the Family, I will give them a call. -

[Evaluna]

My advice on this would be to remain as honest and open with your children as possible. My parents has a horrible divorce in 1997 and there was no honesty just name calling and worse so I always felt torn between my parents.

I've recently divorced and while my daughters father has turned into a horrible person, that's my problem with him and not my daughters. Because he's been such a rubbish father she is slowly realizing what he's like but she's doing that on her own without my help. There's nothing worse than trying to poison children against their parents. Your separation is between you and your wife.

I really hope things go well for you and wish you luck xxx

[Vhern1]

Evaluna,
Thank you. Keeping the children at center appears to be a common theme so thanks for your advice. We've both tended to "hide" from the children what is clearly obvious to them, which is we don't really get along. Finding the "right" time and "place" to have this discussion will be a challenge. There is likely never a right time and place. Thanks again.

[Mike_J]

It seems that you are commented to your plan. The one thing I would strongly suggest is that you try to keep a relationship with your children as best as you can, kids need both parents.

Some other things to think about, don't telegraph your intentions to you wife. Protect yourself, that doesn't mean you have to be mean to your wife, but don't give her the opportunity to make a "first strike" in the finance area. Make sure you know EVERYTHING about all the financial information that you can. And at least consult with a lawyer, many law firms will offer a free consultation, doesn't mean you have to use them or any lawyer, but information is power and you need to be prepared for her to strike back with a vengeance.

[eskielover]

I believe the onset of separate lives started right before the birth of our 3rd. It was about then that our differences in parenting styles were fully realized. The more she made children her career, the more I made work a priority (or vise-versa).

To go home (I travel quite a bit)

If your wife had been the kind that make the kids her whole life she would have done it starting with your first child, not just starting just before the 3rd. You mentioned that it might have started with you making YOUR WORK the priority in the first place.....& they you added that you travel quite a bit......your wife might have felt abandoned by you in the marriage & without you there to keep you as a priority going......it wouldn't surprise me that she turned her life to the kids.........

Doesn't sound like you might be totally innocent in the mess your marriage has turned into......it's never all one side of the other....but if she doesn't feel like you are going to make any changes in your work situation to make her a higher priority....she's NOT about to be the only one making the changes.....maybe that's what she felt from you which might have been why she felt that counseling was a useless thing. Just something for you to possibly look as rather than laying all the blame on your failed marriage on your wife.

Obviously I don't know you or your marriage....but I have seen many marriages fail for just the reasons I have commented on.....& my thoughts are only based on words that you have posted here.....just something to think about for you before just blowing off your marriage.

Obviously I know that for me the bad feelings grew so bad that there was no way that anything could be recovered....& that is possible on both sides. You feel your wife only cares about the kids & she may feel that all you care about is your work.....& neither one is willing to change unless they see some change on the other one's part......you get a stale mate & end up walking away from a marriage that really didn't NEED to fail because each was not willing to budge.....but it takes both to make the changes....not only one side.

[Vhern1]

Mike J,
Thank you. Is there anything specific to finances that I need to be aware of? A major issue for me will be carving out a new life within my current existing revenue stream. Thank you.

[Vhern1]

Originally Posted by eskielover

If your wife had been the kind that make the kids her whole life she would have done it starting with your first child, not just starting just before the 3rd. You mentioned that it might have started with you making YOUR WORK the priority in the first place.....& they you added that you travel quite a bit......your wife might have felt abandoned by you in the marriage & without you there to keep you as a priority going......it wouldn't surprise me that she turned her life to the kids.........

Doesn't sound like you might be totally innocent in the mess your marriage has turned into......it's never all one side of the other....but if she doesn't feel like you are going to make any changes in your work situation to make her a higher priority....she's NOT about to be the only one making the changes.....maybe that's what she felt from you which might have been why she felt that counseling was a useless thing. Just something for you to possibly look as rather than laying all the blame on your failed marriage on your wife.

Obviously I don't know you or your marriage....but I have seen many marriages fail for just the reasons I have commented on.....& my thoughts are only based on words that you have posted here.....just something to think about for you before just blowing off your marriage.

Obviously I know that for me the bad feelings grew so bad that there was no way that anything could be recovered....& that is possible on both sides. You feel your wife only cares about the kids & she may feel that all you care about is your work.....& neither one is willing to change unless they see some change on the other one's part......you get a stale mate & end up walking away from a marriage that really didn't NEED to fail because each was not willing to budge.....but it takes both to make the changes....not only one side.

Hi Eskielover,

Thanks for your reply. Work today for me is much less of a drive and I have flexibility as never before. I'm fine with the thought of me being the root cause. My focus now is carefully exploring all options and making the best choices moving forward realizing that the road now is difficult.

[Vhern1]

I would like to thank all who have taken time to read and reply my posts. I have taken careful consideration of your advice and cautions.

It has been one week since my post and after reading the many responses I'd like to offer one last thought on the driving force on my consideration for separation and divorce, which is the "Why."

The negativity of my relationship killing me. It has changed me; changed my outlook on women that I need to reverse (I love all women). It has darkened me as a person. I am now running on only a small vapor of "resiliency" and not much left, I need to change my environment, and it needs to happen now.

I am looking to get back to the vibrant, optimistic, lighthearted, outspoken and most important ....loving, person, father, man, and dang it Husband, that I know I am. I will never loose sight of the importance of people, and everyone I touch today. That is the why.

Again, thank you.

[eskielover]

The negativity of my relationship killing me. It has changed me;

I so understand that comment "it has changed me". I knew how badly I had been changed....but I had fought with my parents before I fought with my H so I thought it was me that was the problem.

Interesting thing was that after I left my H (my parents have all died with my mother's death being almost 10 years ago).....but the peace that came over my life after leaving my H.....I would never go back to that life & he is incapable of changing......it's taken me these 7 years since leaving him to really see who I really am because I went from living with my parents to being married even though I was 21 when I got married but going to college for my degree.

I like me now.....I hated me then.......I never had problems with guys because I grew up with them & I worked in a man's field of computer engineering (it's changed now but back in the 80's...I was about the only female working in the department as an engineer).....I only had issues with my H........& by the end any time I was around him, I was seeing red.....I hated the angry person I had become as it was worse than it had ever been previously in my life.

The interesting about separation for me was that they kept telling me"absence makes the heart grow fonder".....as soon as he was out of sight he was out of mind & I didn't miss him for a second. I think that's a really good rule of thumb especially if you don't have any other person in the picture & you are just figuring out your marriage relationship which is the way it should be.

I definitely understand your need for the separation.....it does help determine....but like I said...don't get any one else involved in the picture while figuring out the marriage....there is plenty of time after that if the marriage is determined to be unsalvageable