[cptaptlove]

In October my relationship with my husband ended. He's was asked to leave my parents home where we lived after losing everything, even though he makes extremely good money and always have. I had no idea who he really was or what he was truly capable of until I was 2 kids and 8 year in. I spent the last 10 years thinking it can't get any worse but it just kept getting worse. Now I'm feeling totally lost and damaged. He just gets to walk away like I never existed or mattered and I'm a mess. He moved in with his father. My kid's are teenagers and seem to want to be with him more. I've sheltered them from so much including a cross dressing fetish. Is there anyone else out there? I just want to know I'm not alone. I don't know how many people have really experienced and true narcissistic sociopath but I definitely have.

Just reaching out so you don't feel alone----

I haven't been married to a narcissist but I have had experience with them. A family friend was married to one for years, and two out of her three sons are now showing narcissistic tendencies. (Its good you sheltered them on one hand, on the other hand, maybe they need to see their father for who he really is?) Suffice to say, the narc is dead because he pulled a Steve Jobs and thought he was above getting treatment for his cancer. (True narc style, right?)

No, you're not alone. Hopefully others who have survived narcissistic marriages will post soon. Hugs.

[Rainstoppedplay]

I was married to a narcissist, selfish, spiteful. Occasionally violent I hid this from the children as best I could. It's difficult, you want to protect the children but it can backfire because the kids dont get the truth and maybe see dad as 'not that bad'
Problem is a narc weaves a web of lies.
Is he a good father?

[AstridAwakening]

Originally Posted by cptaptlove

In October my relationship with my husband ended. He's was asked to leave my parents home where we lived after losing everything, even though he makes extremely good money and always have. I had no idea who he really was or what he was truly capable of until I was 2 kids and 8 year in. I spent the last 10 years thinking it can't get any worse but it just kept getting worse. Now I'm feeling totally lost and damaged. He just gets to walk away like I never existed or mattered and I'm a mess. He moved in with his father. My kid's are teenagers and seem to want to be with him more. I've sheltered them from so much including a cross dressing fetish. Is there anyone else out there? I just want to know I'm not alone. I don't know how many people have really experienced and true narcissistic sociopath but I definitely have.

You are not alone! I too am leaving after 17 years. I would suggest learning as much as you can about codependency, inter-dependency, and self love. It's what has helped me the most. Living with a narcissist for so long leaves you very damaged and traumatized. My H managed to turn most of our mutual friends and my oldest child against me which only made the loneliness worse. The loneliness for me has been very painful. He also cut me off from any financial information initially. I did hire a lawyer and financial advisor, both women. Things are slowly coming together however initiating no contact to the best of your ability will help keep your sanity as they know how to manipulate us to feel like sh**. You've got to implement a self care plan ASAP so you don't do any damage to yourself during the healing process. It's very easy to be manipulated by other narcissistic people while being so vunerable. Keep your guard up!

[whatever_works]

I am a man and I just registered to post this. I was married to a narcissist for 15 years and we have been going through a contested divorce for two years now. One of the signs of NPD is that the divorces take a long time and are always contested. This stems from a sense of entitlement by one party.

The thing that helped me the most was reading this book called - Will I Ever Be Rid Of You by Karyl McBride. Please look it up if you haven't already read it. Reading that book gave me a lot of answers and put a lot of things in perspective.

Good luck.

[Zedsdead]

I am in the midst of ending my relationship with a narcissist right now. So odd, when I saw your post pop up, i thought I had wrote it a while ago or something.. We too lost everything to our name and started renting out the basement of my parents acreage.
Im trying to find the courage to leave. I know it's not good for me or my children to be here with him. Iv sacrificed so much to be with him.. and i really only came to the realization that he was the problem about 4 months ago.
I feel stupid I have been losing myself trying to get this relationship on track for the past 2 years.. blaming myself for every thing that has gotten us into this rut.
I don't know where to find the strength to leave him. The guilt literally eats me alive every day for thinking about leaving and the shame I feel for staying is just as strong. I confused and hurt
You are not alone.

[ChronicBlue]

Originally Posted by cptaptlove

In October my relationship with my husband ended. He's was asked to leave my parents home where we lived after losing everything, even though he makes extremely good money and always have. I had no idea who he really was or what he was truly capable of until I was 2 kids and 8 year in. I spent the last 10 years thinking it can't get any worse but it just kept getting worse. Now I'm feeling totally lost and damaged. He just gets to walk away like I never existed or mattered and I'm a mess. He moved in with his father. My kid's are teenagers and seem to want to be with him more. I've sheltered them from so much including a cross dressing fetish. Is there anyone else out there? I just want to know I'm not alone. I don't know how many people have really experienced and true narcissistic sociopath but I definitely have.

Oh my goodness, 18 years - that is a lifetime together!

I normally don't like talking about this, my ex-husband destroyed my life for good: after so many physical and emotional injuries for the span of five years, I now live with PTSD and nerve damage. It's been about six years that I ran away from him before he could just kill me, and it has been one of the hardest things I had to do. To heal, to rebuild my life, to make sense out of so much pain - it almost feels like there isn't any of it, not even peace of mind.

He was diagnosed as a sociopath in jail, and while I got to explore therapy for four years trying to heal, my psychiatrist was convinced he was a narcissist as well. A violent one. This is a conversation I can't have with anyone, it is like people don't really seem to understand domestic violence, let alone how incredibly traumatizing it can be to survive a sociopath narcissist.

Reading your post was touching. I truly wish there was something I could say to you to alleviate some of the pain, but nothing I can say would. I just wanted to let you know that, you are an incredibly person for surviving all those years and most important of all - you are not alone.

[Tbl2528]

Well I hired a lawyer on Nov 3rd, 2015. I told him what we were dealing with that same day and asked if he had experience with high conflict resolution people, and even if so, this was far beyond that. This would be a fight to the death for him to make sure I had nothing, as I should because why would he owe me anything. He’s invested enough already and hasn't gotten his money's worth in return. Now that I can serve no purpose to him, he feels he's wasted what he has spent. Never mind we went to his Sr Prom together….lived together for 28 yrs and been married for 22 (at that point 11/2015). Even in the audio I had, and it's bad but I didn't even record it for evidence, I recorded a one week period in our lives to hopefully get him to listen to himself and change and it's 9 different audios that are horribly abusive…he even says in a cpl of the audios that he will “"burn it all to the ground” before I get a dime. Luckily, like you, I live in a community property state, as well. (Texas) Luckily, I thought. The first thing I told my lawyer was that we probably should call Fidelity, the 401k company and make sure that was safe. Around February, after he had yet to turn in any discovery and had unacceptable answers to the petition, which that each question he was supposed to answer was “"too vague” or info was held by a 3rd party….yes, the bank has your info and you get it from them. Also, for the last 5 years I had tried to save every dime I could because his M.O. Was to take the money, keys, cards, and then throw all my clothes out and tell me to get my **** and leave….of course, at the same time, ensuring I couldn't…and I saved $20,000, IN CASH..that he found and took and now he's hiding!! I know….but he's on tape saying “"I'll never give u that 20,000…maybe, since neither of us are supposed to hide money in a marriage they will give me some of that or maybe not.but. Also, he hired so many prostitutes the last 3–4 years before it ended that there's no telling how much he spent on them….but there was one acct he opened in Texas with $7,500 and Dwindled it down with all cash withdrawals disapated that one….got rolled for almost $3,000 on his debit card one night in NOLA and it's in the bank records….plus he admits it on tape, actually tells me I ought to Thank him and to let him repeat that one more time, You ought to thank me for the prostitutes, because I didn't go out and get a real friend…im such a horrible person, I didn't thank him….ha…In February, after I'd begged for years for therapy, all of a sudden he begged for it….now I know he did that to prolong the discovery process….During the 4th session we were kicked out basically. We needed separate counseling first….with me needing abuse counseling on top of that!! Wow…4 sessions….he refused to sign a release for those records. In May, he left Tx for a job in Georgia and thought I would move to our home state of Alabama or even with him….he honestly had said for months before he left me, that I needed about 6 months on my own to learn appreciation again, so I know he wanted to punish me and then make me apologize and beg to come back, per usual. (sickening, I already know) This is when he cashed in the 401k and got the $54,000 check ($61,000 is what it was worth before taxes and fees and that's what I'm entitled to half of….plus the past 4 yrs it has earned over $20,000….it's stock divindends so I should be entitled to the “avg” of what it could have made this past year!!) and opened a new acct just for that money. He paid the 46,000 tax debt that he knew I was trying to get relieved of owing through innocent or injured spousal relief and one stipulation for me to even begin to qualify for that kind of relief from the IRS is that the debt can't be paid….the thing is that he hasn't actually filed the taxes yet and doesn't know my sister in law sent me pictures of the IRS letters where most of that $46,000 is shown as CREDITS right now, appearing as if he is trying to hold money there until the divorce is over!! They forged my signature on the last 4 years taxes and I have a picture of the other IRS letter that asks for original and not photocopied signatures! A letter was even mistakenly sent here from his tax Atty asking didn't he want to use the other $8,000 from the 54,000 to prepay 2016!!! I didn't even live with him that year!!! Now he's closed down 2 or 3 accts….I don't even know if he has any accts at the same bank….and opened at least 2 MORE now ones for a total of either 4 brand new or 5 brand new checking accts since May!! He also started reversing every payment I've made on credit cards and utility bills since May and car payments….all these I was making thru the business acct from Sept when he left until May when he moved and turned on me and I have a 15 year old son st home, who he's now….you guessed it, all of a sudden gonna waste some more money because he is trying to spend it all, trying to fight me for custody!! He's let his and my sons life ins lapse. I just got it 2 years ago so in my mind he's also wasted that $7,000 of marital funds on the ins that's been paid the past 2 years. (I got a large policy on him and it was almost $300 a month) Hes changed his filing status to single and zero. Those are all things that he wasn't supposed to do….oh and let auto and home ins lapse too but he's prob paid that by now. Yeah but my Atty says he'll have to acct for all of that, don't worry ….don't worry?? He's trying to spend it all. He took my authorization off the Chase cards I was living off of, in June and then called Chase and said I fraudulently obtained them after he moved….the truth is that he forgot those cards were coming and I certainly didn't remind him when he left and took everything out of my purse so I'd be destitute….even took the keys to the extra truck in the driveway and I was stranded for 2 weeks until I rented a car and finally bought one after borrowing the $5,000 down punt from my 86 yr old dad. He gave me a check for $200 in Dec 2015. 1500 in June, 2500 in July, 1500 in Sept that bounced….I ran it though again in Dec and it bounced again for “"Acct closed”!! After making $260,000 last year! But, my lawyer has called no one and I've begged him to call Chase and Fidelity. I begged him to file for an ex Parte hearing so we can freeze the accts. We've had one court date for temp orders on Nov 29th of 2016!! And he's supposed to pay 2200 a month temporarily. My lawyer knew how far I was behind and didn't even ask for arreare at all and I had met with him the week before and said it was imperative and that the Chase fraud be dropped because they actually took 2 months rent BACK from my landlord and I had to pay 4 months rent in a 30 day period Nov-Dec last year!!! But nothing….I think he feels comfortable with all tthe shenanigans that my husband is hanging himself and the abuse is so severe, but I'm not comfortable at all. In fact, I'm more nervous than ever, BECAUSE of my lawyer. I told him yeah, I may get a great settlement but it's going to be a piece of paper in my hand and that's all. Anyway, I think he's done more..like 18 out of 30 things he shouldn't but I swear to God I almost think I can sue my lawyer for malpractice for losing me money and never emailing one piece of paperwork ever to me, and avg time of responding to an email is 3–5 days and I didn't say answering an email because I can ask 1 or 6 questions and they usually will say they're trying to get a date as soon as they can, ignoring all questions or tell me something else I need to do. So, not only do they rarely ever answer a question but to not even aknowledge I've asked it. It feels like another form of abuse. I've even paid $18 for a texas lawyer to answer a question on Ask.com - What's Your Question? or one of those and he first hung he said was to take that check to the co Atty because it's illegal to write a bad check in Tx! I don't know what to do but I've got folders and folder and files and files and gone they bank statements to see what he's wasted the past several years because he is going to do that to me and he won't stop until he does every underhanded thing he can think of to win….it's not about settlements or compromises, it's winning and losing....and a war to the death in their mind! So, long story short...start out nasty and never try to compromise because you can bet your ***** he won't and You Are Certainly Not Alone! (And I didn't even start in about the ...way worse than mental, verbal, physical, emotional or financial abuse....the horrific sexual abuse after he'd put me on a pedestal from ages 16-25 and I was really in love and invested and had a 10 month old baby with him....and all those signs of "I've got me a strong man..he takes care of everything...didn't notice him cutting me off from people who would have been a support system for me, because he's a great judge of character you know...and jealous, he doesn't want anyone looking or talking to me, he must Really Love Me...I mean that's what a young girl thinks....you don't see those signs...and then one day...and I'll never forget it because it was my 25th birthday dinner and since our bday's are 2 days apart we celebrate together...he said if I didn't love him enough to do anything for him, we weren't meant to be together....so pick up a man in the next hr and let us demean and demorolize you for free as long as I want....well. His words were always "Let's Have Some Fun"...a phase that now gives me chills, it's so tainted by his voice...and the last 20 yrs became more and more miserable as more and more taboo/pushing the limits/I swear to God, things he had to hope I'd say No too in order to have asked them because he had to know that anyone would...and I thought I was the crazy one because he twisted and turned and put it all back on me!) whew! That's over!)

[Grandessa]

I have found family court, and even the "alleged" best attorneys respond in the way you mentioned. They are not especially aggressive advocates. They tend to do what's easiest for them, not what's fair. I've learned that I have to be my own advocate, and I make sure my issues are answered. We'll see.

I empathize with you. Keep advocating for yourself. I imagine myself like the hawk, which is a bird seen everywhere around here. Still and quiet, but with a laser focus that will catch anything that moves, like my sleazy former husband about financial settlement, and what is truly fair.

[MrMoose]

If your spouse is physically out of your living space that's a great first step! At least that's how I see it be because I'm still living with mine and right now I dont see how I can get me and the kids out of it.

[Spaceytracey]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

I am in the midst of ending my relationship with a narcissist right now. So odd, when I saw your post pop up, i thought I had wrote it a while ago or something.. We too lost everything to our name and started renting out the basement of my parents acreage.
Im trying to find the courage to leave. I know it's not good for me or my children to be here with him. Iv sacrificed so much to be with him.. and i really only came to the realization that he was the problem about 4 months ago.
I feel stupid I have been losing myself trying to get this relationship on track for the past 2 years.. blaming myself for every thing that has gotten us into this rut.
I don't know where to find the strength to leave him. The guilt literally eats me alive every day for thinking about leaving and the shame I feel for staying is just as strong. I confused and hurt
You are not alone.

While the first post, '18 yrs, etc' , first caught my eye, your note spoke to me.
Married in '89 to (what I thought) an amazing guy - the first 14 yrs were pretty good, not perfect, but reasonably good. We both had good careers, have great parents with long terms marriages, enjoyed life. After several years of trying to have children, our twins were born in '98. We enjoyed entertaining, yraveling, etc. In '04, following shoulder surgery, my H became addicted to pain meds: Rehab#1. Then he added cocaine: Rehab #2. With extreme mood/behavior changes, along with continued use of drugs (etc) Rehab #3. With 2 small children, a successful business, our 'dream home', I was in Full Supermom mode- basically hiding our problems from our kids, family, friends, etc. Until I cracked from the pressure and started drinking, and eventually taking Prescription meds to 'handle' my stress. For 5+ yrs, I was in Hell... my H was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Several times jailed for violence and/or drugs. Only after my own DUI, did I find my way to AA (reluctantly, but hopelessly defeated). That turned out to be THE BEST thing I have ever done in my life.
I was given daily support to: Leave my H, forgive myself, create a new life for myself and my kids. Through mtgs, along with therapy for kids and I, we now know that he is (clinically) a narcissistic sociopath, still using drugs (now incl Meth). After 5 yrs separated - (originally he filed, then wouldn't show up for court, wouldn't tell us his address, etc. Still does not pay any child/spousal support). Now lives in another state with his transgender mtf 'girlfriend'.
Moral of my story: We Are better off w/I him. It's sad, but true. Kids are now 18, both happy, healthy, thriving. They have a tenuous relationship w/ their dad - they just accept that he's a major f**k-up. By the way, we too lost our home, business, cars, etc. But, today, we have peace, acceptance, hope, tolerance, joy, love.
That's a gift of AA.
Serenity Prayer is our daily - sometimes hourly - mantra:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like my H), the courage to change the things I can (me, my perception, my attitude, etc), and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sending love...