[LittleForgetMeNot]

So, even though for several months I mulled over separating and at one point would have felt relief at it.. the timing and the way the separation was done, has left me devastated.

When I was 'ready' to separate, it only lasted a week before I started to miss him. I told him to come back, I had to make it work with him. But a month after this, he left me. Under the guise of an unrelated fight, just gone too far again.

It was like once he had taken a step, he just took another, and another. and another. Now he's 121 days away.

We had been together for 5 years. We have two small children together. We're both young, 21 and 22. Each other's first relationship. Our relationship had been toxic for a long time. Our life extremely stressful and unstable. Depression affecting my entire household - my partner, myself, and my parents - really brought my life down.

It's been 4 months. Neither of us have really let go properly, with several nights of sleeping together. As recently as last week, to be honest.

I'm trying to let go. He doesn't want a relationship anymore, doesn't care about me emotionally, doesn't even try to visit or see the children. He just works to support his mother now, and it seems any attempt at him contacting me will end in him seducing me with 'i love you, i want you, we can be together again' just to get me to sleep with him.

He did used to love me once upon a time. I feel like I've fallen from true love, to a worm in the mud he steps on as he walks by.

I've finally accepted it's time to walk away, but there's nothing I can do about how sad I feel. I'm in endless mourning.

[Skeezyks]

Hello LittleForgetMeNot: I'm so sorry your relationship has dissolved into this. Yes, from what you wrote, it sounds as though it is indeed time to walk away. I wish you & your children well...

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I'm trying but I cry all the time, every day. I constantly think about him. Constantly miss him. It's like an obsession. I'm doing my best, but I'm falling apart.

[Aardwolf]

I was never in the exact same position as you, let alone with the responsibilities that being a parent entails, however here's my tuppence for what it's worth. Of course feel free to take it or leave it.

Relationships ending tend to fall into "really easy" through to "nigh impossible". I was recently the victim of the latter where my partner left me, and I would be stupid to deny that it has really broken and changed me.

The thing that made the biggest difference to me, was accepting that the end result was that I was not going be with them again, and that I needed to emotionally detach myself from them. I'm still working on it even now, 6 months later I still love them in a small but painful way.

When a person you love does this to you, they take a piece of your heart with them and it hurts a lot. It will never heal completely.
The horrible reality is that you need to accept that you will change as a person, you will learn and you will grow when this is finally done. It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with.

Keep holding yourself together, keep your friends and family close, you can do this, it will get easier.

[Grandessa]

I am 5 more nths out of a 41-year marriage. I know exactly what you're talking about. You can curb the obsessive thinking with a boundary over time, but not initially. The pain is so intense. My heart goes out to you. But remember, underneath all these emotions, you know what you know. If you try to stuff away and ignore that inner voice, you will reject yourself as surely as he has rejected his once beloved family.

I can tell you that I am sooo much better after only 5 months than I was when it first happened. Take good care!

[Rose76]

I'm so sorry. I do believe you're in agony. It's an awful loss. He was your first and, so far, only love, and he is the father of your children. This will be probably be the worst thing you've ever gone through. It may be the worst thing you will ever go through.

This does not have to destroy you. You can decide that it will, and then it will. Two things make us who we are. One is what we've experienced. The other is how we've decided to view our experience. Two persons going through equally heart-wrenching experiences can come out with different impact on who they are, depending on that second factor. Someone close to me - young - lost her marriage, decided she couldn't cope . . . and possibly never will recover. She is consumed with thoughts of how life has hurt her and and how her dreams were shattered. She'll probably spend the rest of her life in and out of therapy, endlessly explaining that she didn't get what she needed and looking for affirmation that life dealt her some hard blows.

You have every right to grieve. There is no time table for how you move through that. But you can resolve that this awful wounding is not going to destroy your soul. People recover from even the most horrid things. It is not true that the worse it hurts now means the less likely you are to ever get over him leaving. I think being very young makes the pain worse. But it also leaves you the gift of more time ahead of you. Right now that just seems to stretch out as that much longer to live in misery. It's okay for it to seem like that now.

If you truly believe that he does not love you, then you need to be out of this relationship. I have nothing judgemental to say about you continuing to be with him. It gets lonely. But I think you can do better. The problem is not so much that he is taking your love, but he is wasting your time. Because of how you feel about him, you don't mind to continue giving him your love. It won't deplete the capacity for love that is on you. But keep reminding yourself that you have only so many days in your life . . . only so much time remaining, until you won't be young any more. He's had enough of your time. Learn to resent him taking more of it. That delays you building a life that does not revolve around him.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm so sorry. I do believe you're in agony. It's an awful loss. He was your first and, so far, only love, and he is the father of your children. This will be probably be the worst thing you've ever gone through. It may be the worst thing you will ever go through.

This does not have to destroy you. You can decide that it will, and then it will. Two things make us who we are. One is what we've experienced. The other is how we've decided to view our experience. Two persons going through equally heart-wrenching experiences can come out with different impact on who they are, depending on that second factor. Someone close to me - young - lost her marriage, decided she couldn't cope . . . and possibly never will recover. She is consumed with thoughts of how life has hurt her and and how her dreams were shattered. She'll probably spend the rest of her life in and out of therapy, endlessly explaining that she didn't get what she needed and looking for affirmation that life dealt her some hard blows.

You have every right to grieve. There is no time table for how you move through that. But you can resolve that this awful wounding is not going to destroy your soul. People recover from even the most horrid things. It is not true that the worse it hurts now means the less likely you are to ever get over him leaving. I think being very young makes the pain worse. But it also leaves you the gift of more time ahead of you. Right now that just seems to stretch out as that much longer to live in misery. It's okay for it to seem like that now.

If you truly believe that he does not love you, then you need to be out of this relationship. I have nothing judgemental to say about you continuing to be with him. It gets lonely. But I think you can do better. The problem is not so much that he is taking your love, but he is wasting your time. Because of how you feel about him, you don't mind to continue giving him your love. It won't deplete the capacity for love that is on you. But keep reminding yourself that you have only so many days in your life . . . only so much time remaining, until you won't be young any more. He's had enough of your time. Learn to resent him taking more of it. That delays you building a life that does not revolve around him.

Thank you. I really appreciate this. I think it's hard because I have doubts. I keep thinking 'maybe'. And I don't know what he thinks. He still cares about me, I believe that. But he also believes he only hurts people, and will only hurt me. He's committed himself to staying single, working, taking care of his mother and trying to move on from the past.

I understand that.

But it kills me that this is his choice. After all I loved him. I didn't want to end things anymore. I was committed to working things out when he quit. I don't know how to handle it.

[danh19]

clearly the sad reality is he is taking advantage of your feelings to get what he wants

[Aardwolf]

After all I loved him. I didn't want to end things anymore. I was committed to working things out when he quit.

I know exactly how this feels.. One of the the worst feelings in the world is loving someone who you cannot be with. You are not alone in this, even though it feels like you are.

Keep strong. You can do this.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm really sorry.. I feel alone too, even though for completely different reasons.

[danh19]

to be blunt it sounds like he is just using you playing on your feelings for him

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by danh19

to be blunt it sounds like he is just using you playing on your feelings for him

I mean you could say that. But I think he's just a human being and is as confused as I am about everything. I have suffered from worsening depression due to mistakes he's made, and for the longest time I held those mistakes against him even though he was trying.

I think I'm just getting my karma.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

Thank you. I really appreciate this. I think it's hard because I have doubts. I keep thinking 'maybe'. And I don't know what he thinks. He still cares about me, I believe that. But he also believes he only hurts people, and will only hurt me. He's committed himself to staying single, working, taking care of his mother and trying to move on from the past.

I understand that.

But it kills me that this is his choice. After all I loved him. I didn't want to end things anymore. I was committed to working things out when he quit. I don't know how to handle it.

Well, he'ld be inhuman if he didn't still care for you. I'm sure he always will to some extent. As far as what he thinks . . . . . well, he thinks he doesn't want to be with you. He's acting on that. But he's leaving you because he doesn't want to hurt you, like how he's always hurting people . . . and he needs to make a bigger commitment to taking care of his mom . . . this sounds like baloney to me. It's a bunch of stuff that kind of makes it heroic that he's walking out. A guy who walks out on a wife and two small children is not going to go too far out of his way for a mother. If he moves in with her, it will be for a free roof over his head.

Dragging mom into the picture is part of throwing up a smokescreen. You don't have to buy it. People walking away from responsibility always have phoney reasons why they are actually doing the right thing - in their own minds. But the rational that they spin may have little to do with what really motivates them. So when you say he thinks this, or he thinks that, be careful you're not just parroting off what you hear him saying. What he says may have little to do with what are his real thought processes. You seem to want to justify him.

And his past foul-ups were "mistakes." A "mistake" is when your checkbook doesn't balance. Maybe you put some bad karma out there. IDK. But beware of trying to create false equivalencies. He "doesn't even try to visit or see the children . . . " ?? That's a guy who doesn't want adult responsibility. Yeah, I believe he probably does only hurt people, and he's not looking to change that. But he's "committed" to "moving on?" This is a guy who knows zero about committing.

It is entirely possible to be very in love with a man who's really not worth it. (I've been there.) You don't need to see into his mind "what he's thinking." Focus on what he's doing. That's what counts in life.

Depression is affecting your whole household, including your parents. Are your parents part of your household? Are you saying that your parents are depressed, or that they are affected by your depression?

You do know how to handle this: You get up in the morning and take care of your kids. You are in a lot of pain, and you will be. But you handle it by doing what he is not doing - taking care of responsibilities. That really is what gets us through tough times. Let your parents help you, if they can. Try not to be alone with the kids too much. Kids can't grasp what you're going through. You need moral support from adults. Is anyone there for you?

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Well, he'ld be inhuman if he didn't still care for you. I'm sure he always will to some extent. As far as what he thinks . . . . . well, he thinks he doesn't want to be with you. He's acting on that. But he's leaving you because he doesn't want to hurt you, like how he's always hurting people . . . and he needs to make a bigger commitment to taking care of his mom . . . this sounds like baloney to me. It's a bunch of stuff that kind of makes it heroic that he's walking out. A guy who walks out on a wife and two small children is not going to go too far out of his way for a mother. If he moves in with her, it will be for a free roof over his head.

Dragging mom into the picture is part of throwing up a smokescreen. You don't have to buy it. People walking away from responsibility always have phoney reasons why they are actually doing the right thing - in their own minds. But the rational that they spin may have little to do with what really motivates them. So when you say he thinks this, or he thinks that, be careful you're not just parroting off what you hear him saying. What he says may have little to do with what are his real thought processes. You seem to want to justify him.

And his past foul-ups were "mistakes." A "mistake" is when your checkbook doesn't balance. Maybe you put some bad karma out there. IDK. But beware of trying to create false equivalencies. He "doesn't even try to visit or see the children . . . " ?? That's a guy who doesn't want adult responsibility. Yeah, I believe he probably does only hurt people, and he's not looking to change that. But he's "committed" to "moving on?" This is a guy who knows zero about committing.

It is entirely possible to be very in love with a man who's really not worth it. (I've been there.) You don't need to see into his mind "what he's thinking." Focus on what he's doing. That's what counts in life.

Depression is affecting your whole household, including your parents. Are your parents part of your household? Are you saying that your parents are depressed, or that they are affected by your depression?

You do know how to handle this: You get up in the morning and take care of your kids. You are in a lot of pain, and you will be. But you handle it by doing what he is not doing - taking care of responsibilities. That really is what gets us through tough times. Let your parents help you, if they can. Try not to be alone with the kids too much. Kids can't grasp what you're going through. You need moral support from adults. Is anyone there for you?

Well his mom actually does need help. Her ex-husband was found cheating on her through the infamous ashley madison. Not only that but my ex has caught the remains of what we believe is him smoking crack. So because of her recent break up, and losing her job due to various health problems, she's at risk of losing her condo. My ex actually has taken up a job, and works trying to help pay for her rent. They're getting behind though with his emergency dental bills and a clogged pipe that leaked into two other apartments. They're risking getting kicked out by June unless they can pay for the damages. They can't.

He asked to visit the kids yesterday. It went well. Once again he tried sleeping with me but I maintain currently that I'd rather reserve that for guys who wanna be with me.

My dad and my brother live with me. My dad is a single parent, borderline hoarder, with ptsd issues as well as a depression sine his mother passed away last year. My brother is mentally delayed. Dealing with their individual problems - especially the 'hoarding' - has been difficult, as well as them dealing with my depressive episodes and past arguments.

I don't really have many people there for me. I have cas involved after a suicide attempt I made. I asked them to stick around and support me, maybe get me out of this somehow. My worker is fully on my side and understands the situation I'm in. She's told me point blank that even though a lot of people care for me, there's no one here to truely help me because everyone is too burdened with their own problems. So she said she understands how I got to that point. So overwhelmed and seeing no other way. She said I was alone. And it was gonna suck but i was going to have to accept the reality and live like it. But of course that she was there to help me get to a point where i can thrive and be safe.

i'm thankful. I'm just having a hard time coping in the meantime.

[Rose76]

Your dad and brother being there is part of why your husband moved in with mom. I kind of see his point. No relationship you are in will have the chance of a snowball in Hades, while you are still living with your dad. Are you living in dad's house, or is it your apartment? No social support support agency can somehow get you "out of this." Your husband and you are both victims of having been born into families that see their children as caretakers. That's not how it works in our culture. You have to emancipate yourself from dad, or your life will always suck. You should not be "dealing with their individual issues." (Dad's and brother's.) You don't know how and you don't have the energy or the means.

Apply for a housing subsidy. Get on the waiting list. Apply at some low income housing projects for a two bedroom apartment. That's where you belong - on your own with your children. That's enough issues for you right there. I know you are a very loyal person . . . to your husband and to your dad and brother. But your loyalty is misplaced.

Your husband and you might actually have a chance of reconciling, if the two of you weren't all entangled with each of your parents. His mom doesn't need help. She needs to accept living within her means. That's not her condo. She rents it. She can't afford a condo. She needs to find a little studio apartment.

Your husband didn't come by yesterday to visit the kids. He came by to see you. He misses you, but he can't deal with being in the middle of the circus that is where you live. I don't blame him.

The smartest thing you and your kids's father could do is to let his mom and your dad handle their own lives . . . and you, your guy and your two kids get a place all your own - just a four room apartment. If I were you, that's what I would do - quickly - while he still wants you, and he does. You're living in a pressure cooker that would drive any guy out the door, and it will drive you stark, screaming mad. Let your dad work out his own situation. Maybe your brother belongs in a group home . . . IDK. But you do not belong there.

You are all a bunch of folk who are way too entangled up in everyone else. Nobody knows where their problems end and other people's problems begin.

Get yourself that two bedroom apartment . . . in a public housing project, if necessary. But get out of there.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your dad and brother being there is part of why your husband moved in with mom. I kind of see his point. No relationship you are in will have the chance of a snowball in Hades, while you are still living with your dad. Are you living in dad's house, or is it your apartment? No social support support agency can somehow get you "out of this." Your husband and you are both victims of having been born into families that see their children as caretakers. That's not how it works in our culture. You have to emancipate yourself from dad, or your life will always suck. You should not be "dealing with their individual issues." (Dad's and brother's.) You don't know how and you don't have the energy or the means.

Apply for a housing subsidy. Get on the waiting list. Apply at some low income housing projects for a two bedroom apartment. That's where you belong - on your own with your children. That's enough issues for you right there. I know you are a very loyal person . . . to your husband and to your dad and brother. But your loyalty is misplaced.

Your husband and you might actually have a chance of reconciling, if the two of you weren't all entangled with each of your parents. His mom doesn't need help. She needs to accept living within her means. That's not her condo. She rents it. She can't afford a condo. She needs to find a little studio apartment.

Your husband didn't come by yesterday to visit the kids. He came by to see you. He misses you, but he can't deal with being in the middle of the circus that is where you live. I don't blame him.

The smartest thing you and your kids's father could do is to let his mom and your dad handle their own lives . . . and you, your guy and your two kids get a place all your own - just a four room apartment. If I were you, that's what I would do - quickly - while he still wants you, and he does. You're living in a pressure cooker that would drive any guy out the door, and it will drive you stark, screaming mad. Let your dad work out his own situation. Maybe your brother belongs in a group home . . . IDK. But you do not belong there.

You are all a bunch of folk who are way too entangled up in everyone else. Nobody knows where their problems end and other people's problems begin.

Get yourself that two bedroom apartment . . . in a public housing project, if necessary. But get out of there.

To be honest we both knew it was always this house, but we were too trapped inside of it to keep objective about the problem. We fought a lot. It tore us apart. It's my dad's house, but I split the rent equally three ways with him and a life-long friend of his who takes up one of our three bedrooms.. It's very cramped. I've lived this way for 12 years now, and I know it's a contribution to my depression as well.

The agency is around to help me get into housing to be honest, but she's very harsh and likes to lecture me. It's hard to deal with her forceful personality when I'm trying and doing my best as it is. I was sick for a few weeks, completely unable to talk or eat and I've just been attending doctors appointment after doctors appointment just trying to get it under control. I've had three infections simultaneously, and also dealing with anemia. She knows I've been ill but she's putting the pressure on me to get them into daycare and programs to get them out of my house, when I feel like I'm just recovering. On Friday she told me that they usually seize children who live in houses like mine and they're being nice and giving us time..

I'll definitely press the housing issue more with her. She can get me on priority if she's open with the details to my case. But the last time I tried to press the hoarding problem, my dad got very defensive and angry with me. But that was a bad day. On good days he'll just shrug me off and tell me it's a work in progress. I don't know what to do about the meantime. What if I lose my kids in the meantime between now and getting a house??

Everything is just stacking up. I feel like there's just inner screaming and terror going on inside my brain just trying to figure it all out and make it all okay. I just wanted a normal life since I was a kid. It's so hard to process how messed up it's getting.

[Rose76]

Who is this "agency" person who lectures you? Is she an actual social worker with MSW after her name, or some kind of support "worker?" She doesn't sound like a professional. They "usually seize children" living in houses like yours, but they're being nice? "They" are supposed to remove children from a home where they are being abused or neglected. To leave children in circumstances like that would not be "nice." It would be criminal. Nobody can just "take" your kids, if you are being a responsible mother. That doesn't mean perfect either. Are the kids clean, well fed? Why do you fear losing your kids? In what way is this agency saying your kids are in danger?

You can't address your father's hoarding problem. You need to stop living with him. He will, or he won't, come to grips with his problem, but it's not really your business. He may be unable to overcome his compulsion to hoard. How are you able to contribute to the rent? Do you have an income? So, besides Dad and brother, there's another man living in this place. This is truly crazy. You need at least 5 bedrooms to accommodate all these people. Is this a house, or an apartment? If your father doesn't own this place, I'm amazed a landlord would allow 7 people to live there. This would drive anyone to the brink of insanity, if not over the edge.

A normal life, like you've always wanted, requires you to lay some basic groundwork. First step is to not be dependent on your father for the roof over your head. You've been avoiding being alone all your life. Ironically, you feel very alone. Depending upon how old your children are, you may need to find employment for yourself.

You have a lot of catching up to do, but you are still young. Take things one step at a time.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Who is this "agency" person who lectures you? Is she an actual social worker with MSW after her name, or some kind of support "worker?" She doesn't sound like a professional. They "usually seize children" living in houses like yours, but they're being nice? "They" are supposed to remove children from a home where they are being abused or neglected. To leave children in circumstances like that would not be "nice." It would be criminal. Nobody can just "take" your kids, if you are being a responsible mother. That doesn't mean perfect either. Are the kids clean, well fed? Why do you fear losing your kids? In what way is this agency saying your kids are in danger?

You can't address your father's hoarding problem. You need to stop living with him. He will, or he won't, come to grips with his problem, but it's not really your business. He may be unable to overcome his compulsion to hoard. How are you able to contribute to the rent? Do you have an income? So, besides Dad and brother, there's another man living in this place. This is truly crazy. You need at least 5 bedrooms to accommodate all these people. Is this a house, or an apartment? If your father doesn't own this place, I'm amazed a landlord would allow 7 people to live there. This would drive anyone to the brink of insanity, if not over the edge.

A normal life, like you've always wanted, requires you to lay some basic groundwork. First step is to not be dependent on your father for the roof over your head. You've been avoiding being alone all your life. Ironically, you feel very alone. Depending upon how old your children are, you may need to find employment for yourself.

You have a lot of catching up to do, but you are still young. Take things one step at a time.

She's actually a children's aid worker. So I assume what she says is accurate unless she's just giving me empty threats. She says her 'supervisor' is on her back about this. My house isn't terrible, which is why I'm shocked. There are boxes of dishes and we do have a ton of children's toys and books, but yes the children are cared for, well fed and clearly loved. We live in a townhome.

I haven't been avoiding being alone.

I have several problems stacked up.

I still need to finish my education, every time I'd bring up moving out with my dad I'd get guilt tripped about how I would be screwing him over and sending him to live on the street. I've been relying on my partner - now ex - to help support us but he wasn't as helpful as he could have been. Though I know he was depressed as hell too. I took a 6 week employment class in may, had a job by mid-june and worked till my break up in at the end of October when obviously I couldn't work without someone to watch my kids.

Since the break up, November was spent in a downward spiral with two suicide attempts. December was the month I started anti-depressants and focused on personal recovery. January I spent preparing for school, but in February I became ill for two weeks and once you miss that much of school they tell you it's impossible to catch up since they move so quickly to fit it all in less than nine weeks.

And now it's March. I'm speaking to a lawyer, getting daycare subsidy, and trying to start my son's speech therapy. Classes don't start up again until the end of April.

I mean.. I'm really busy. As I said I'm. Doing. My. Best. despite the depression, the anxiety, the illness, and all of everyone elses **** too. Some days I'm stronger than others. Some days I feel so weak I can hardly function. The process is happening, but it happens so slowly.

[avlady]

lonliness is the hardest thing a person can bear. Please try your best to join a group or volunteer or just take care of your family the best you can. you don't need a person like this in your life, it is a waste of time and time is valuable. you can't take back the past but you can live in the present and prepare for the future. good luck!!

[Rose76]

This "worker" is giving you empty threats. I knew she couldn't be a real social worker. Don't depend on her to have the faintest idea what she's talking about. She has a high school diploma and, maybe, a tiny bit of training. Isn't she supposed to be helping you with housekeeping? No one's taking your kids anywhere. So focus your worrying on real problems.

Don't "bring up moving out" with your dad again. He's never going to give you his blessing on that. Just pursue doing it. When you get a place lined up, simply notify him shortly before leaving. He'll have to learn to solve his problems without you. He will.

What would happen to your kids, if you committed suicide? Keep that in mind.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I know. I've gotten over that phase I guess. I'm not as bad now as I was before when I was really having a breakdown. That was scary and terrible.. truly traumatizing. My ex and his mother threw me out of their house via police once, got me locked in the hospital and he fell asleep instead of coming to get me out of there where i had no cell phone signal. He told me he'd come and get me.. and then I had to get someone else to.

but that's over now. i dont even know how ive brought myself to forgive him.

i got in touch with my youth worker, or rather she got in touch with me. I explained to her what was going on and she's going to talk to the children's aid worker herself as she's worked with me since i was 12 years old so she has a very extensive background with me. With her I kinda feel like I have someone in my corner, and im using that to deal with the reoccurring feelings of being overwhelmed.

[Rose76]

I'm glad there's someone who has a history with you and is supportive.

[5435lonely]

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

Thank you. I really appreciate this. I think it's hard because I have doubts. I keep thinking 'maybe'. And I don't know what he thinks. He still cares about me, I believe that. But he also believes he only hurts people, and will only hurt me. He's committed himself to staying single, working, taking care of his mother and trying to move on from the past.

I understand that.

But it kills me that this is his choice. After all I loved him. I didn't want to end things anymore. I was committed to working things out when he quit. I don't know how to handle it.

i feel your pain. i feel apart 26 months ago & haven't gotten it together yet.