Any info???

I was in a relationship with someone for 16 years. We have 2 kids, a dog, and a house that we "bought together" that he never helped out with. He is going to move out and basically wash his hands of any financial responsibility. He expects the schedule to be the same with the kids, I have them nights and weekends and he does the pick up and drop off to school. This schedule is this way due to our work schedules.

There is more to it...if I do not comply with what he wants then he wants to seek for half of all assets since he is trying to say we are common law married. He says he doesn't care about all the things...why would he? none of it is his.

There is a lot more to this story but I can spare you all the details.

I am really at a loss here. I have never been through this before and do not know anyone who has. Do you have any info on finding a good child custody/ divorce lawyer? Is there anyone that I can talk to about this? Free lawyer directory? How do I know if they are any good? I called one that had amazing ratings and reviews but when I talked to him, I got a really bad vibe. Thank you for your help!!!

If I have your state correct, you might try reading some things at some of these links to watch for possibilities that might show up: "RI common law marriage". It looks to me like the onus might be on your "ex" to prove common-law status and then make his demands, but I could be quite wrong about that.

Am in the UK so don't think I can be of any help. But look for any charities or advice centers. Over here we have the citizens advice I don't know if there is a US equivalent.

All I can do is wish you all the best, but I think without paper work to prove anything I think he would be struggling to prove common law status.

Hi metalchick. Sorry for your situation. With two kids to be cared for, this isn't going to be easy. Things may not be as bleak as you fear, though. I think you're making some unwarranted assumptions.

First of all, a father of two children doesn't get to "wash his hands of any financial responsibility." He will be liable to pay child support. He will fork it over, or the state will take it right out of his check and send it to you. The courts are very interested in the welfare of children . . . much more than they care about his supposed claims to "community assets." So he might want to be more compliant to your wishes. If you are interested in keeping the kids with you, let him go right ahead and demonstrate a lack of commitment to being an equal partner in parenting responsibilities. The court will take that very much under consideration.

I'm no legal expert, but, if you think you can afford to maintain this house as a home for those two children, I believe the court will be supportive of that. Common law marriage status us not as automatic as many believe. Here's a link that discusses the way it works in Rhode Island: Common Law Marriage in Rhode Island | Fact or Fiction. Look through your paperwork to find any validation you can that helps establish who contributed what to buying and maintaining this house. Make a list of what each of your incomes were over those 16 years. Did you write checks to pay the mortgage? Did that checking account hold only your wages, or both of your wages? What did he do with his earnings over those 16 years? Was he prone to buying himself big-boy toys? Make a list. A lot of the past can be resurrected, if you think hard and come up with evidence of who did what with their money. Was he unemployed for intervals? Write out a little history of his and your employment over the course of you two being involved. Did his or your parents contribute to household finances? Judges don't like to be played for fools by some jerk who runs out on a family and thinks he's all entitled to whatever. I think you'll find the Law makes a lot more sense than that.

Is your ex's name on the title to your home? Since a piece of real estate and the welfare of two kids are at stake here, I would think an attorney's counselis essential. But educate yourself as much as you can. Start googling stuff. When you visit a lawyer, be well organized because the more of the lawyer's time you take up, the more you're probably going to pay. Have your questions written down. Be prepared to take some notes about what the lawyer tells you. I have no great advice on picking out an attorney. The few times I went to lawyers, I usually didn't think much of them.

Here's a thing to remember about lawyers. They don't make any money from people getting along nicely. The more you two can be reasonable with each other, the less you'll both end up paying in legal fees. You might pass that little nugget on to your ex.

Keep a little journal of what goes on between the two of you from here on out. Write down when he spends time with the kids. Make a note of any bad behavior he exhibits. Keep an account of what money he contributes to the expenses of raising your children. Our memories fail us when we're under stress. Little details that might seem insignificant to you in the moment, might be of greater import when you are negotiating custody and child support.

In matters that end up in court, things tend to go best for those who show up most well-prepared. Your ex sounds like a guy who never put much preparation into anything. Let that work to your advantage now. And don't go feeling sorry for this guy to your own detriment. If he finds his threats don't control you, he'll likely work some angle to get you feeling like he's the victim.

I hope things work out for you and, most importantly, for the welfare of your two children. I think you'll find, that's what the courts care most about too.

One last thing I thought of. Nobody knows lawyers like other lawyers. See if your parents have ever used a lawyer for anything and had a good experience. If so, see if they can ask that lawyer to recommend someone skilled in family law.

Thank you so much for this info...I am totally overwhelmed with this and I really want what is best for the kids.

Seriously look into you & your kids rights under common law for your state WITH A GOOD LAWYER....the judge will be out for the kids interests also. Just because thete was no wedding doesnt mean that it can just be walked out on even though it was probably the initial intent of not botheting to get married in the first place.


Things may be more on you & your kids side than you think or than his intimidation wants to allow you to think.

Definitely interview several divorce lawyers to see what they all havebto say about what they can do for you. It is upsetting to be forced to go through this but this is for the best interest of yiu & your kids at this point.

I am a divorce in Rhode Island. I do not know what state you are located in.

In order to prove a common law marriage in RI Family Court, a boyfriend and girlfriend or a same sex couple must prove by clear and convincing evidence that they “seriously intended to enter into the husband-wife relationship1.” Demelo v. Zompa, 844 A.2d 174 “The parties conduct also must be of such a character as to lead to a belief in the community that they were married.” Demelo v. Zompa 844 A.2d 174 “The prerequisite serious intent and belief is demonstrable by inference from cohabitation, declarations, reputation among kindred and friends, and other circumstantial evidence.” Demelo v. Zompa, 844 A.2d 174

Hi...I am actually in RI too. I have spoken to a couple of attorneys and one tried to disprove the common law marriage and the other basically said that we are common law married because of the paperwork we both signed as married. They both told me to wait it out to see what he does. And basically I cannot do anything until he leaves. But I do want is some sort of paperwork to say that the house and most of the contents in it are mine, because he basically wrote himself out of any responsibility years ago.

Unless your husband signs paoerwork giving up his claim to the house, I don't see how you are going to get paperwork saying the house is yours. It sounds like his name is on the mortgage.

On the other hand, it's not easy for him to take the house from you. If you don't want him there, you might do best to obtain a legal separation.

Actually he wrote himself off the mortgage in 2009. Also the deed is in my name only. However he is saying that because we bought the house together, he has equal rights. He hasn't paid much of anything and completely stopped paying for his half of the house in dec. 2005. He also is trying to tell me that he will seek half of all assets and basically called me a s**ty mom and will get people to testify against me in court.

I'm unaware of just how a person who takes out a loan for a house can later just write himself "off the mortgage." Since you've seen two attorneys, you have access to answers to your legal questions.

You've gone back to reiterating how your husband says this, and your husband says that. He can say anything he likes. That doesn't make it true. Some of the things he believes are probably a bunch of nonsense based on his being ignorant. So you have lawyers to advise you. Get legal advise, so that you're not ignorant.

You seem overly impressed with his threats. Re-read the replies in the earlier part of this thread. I'm wondering what are all these assets that he's planning to take. Right now, your house is more or less owned by the bank. Every year you have taxes to pay on the house. There's insurance to pay. I doubt he wants those bills. So what other assets is he claiming? Half the pots and pans, perhaps? If he "takes the kids," what's he going to do with them? More than likely, you'll be lucky if he spends any time at all with the kids, once you're divorced. This doesn't sound like a guy looking for responsibilities.

You are making him out to be way more of a threat than I believe he has any capacity to pose. Let go of the high drama, and look at the realities.

Hi--ugh--I know it's very scary, but settle in for the long haul and know that he really can't do mist of what he's saying unless you get yourself arrested for assaulting him. Make a distinction between what he's saying and what the law allows--and that's the best thing a good lawyer can do. I've only seen my divorce attorney ( in New York) once and spoken with her three times but she draws a clear distinction between my wife's threats and what she's entitled to, and that truly empowers me. Just start collecting the things he writes or says or does, and keep that information, along with your important papers, somewhere where he cant get his hands on them (fireproof safe in your Mom's basement?)

Okay, well as you can tell this is going to end up in court. I'm not sure because it's not directly stated, but I'm getting the impression that he has been either unemployed or very underemployed for most of the time you've been together.

If that's what the situation is, things could get very dicey so you definitely want to get an attorney and everything, including visitation and child support, needs to be in writing and court-approved. He can make all the threats he likes, but if he cannot afford an attorney to fight you it's likely he'll back down.

Don't continue having conversations regarding finances or who owns what with him, let the court decide.

For your next relationship, I don't care who they are, do not have kids, pets or buy anything, even a vehicle "with" anyone if they aren't going to legally marry you. While informal relationships can be great, when they go bad it gets really bad.

There isn't much in assets, but he told me that if I do not comply with his wishes he will go after me in court and since we are considered married, he will seek half of everything...(he even mentioned selling the half cord of firewood) and split it in half. Any savings...split in half.

Is he working? Has he been working in a comparable job to yours during the relationship?

Let him take you to court. I bet he doesn't have the money to. With someone like this, you absolutely have to have all agreements spelled out in a court order, otherwise he'll continue threatening this or that. You need something to nail him to the wall with.

So what?

You keep saying that he says this and that he says that. What is your point?

If you don't want to break up with him, then don't. It's all up to you to do what you decide.

He works and I believe he makes more than me, but tries telling me that he doesn't. The things he tells me comes from his lawyer. He won't discuss anything about the kids...even pertaining to their education. This is how he tries to make me look like a bad mother. He says we will take it up in court.

Let him. The judge is the one eith the FINAL SAY, not you SO. If you have abgood lawyer yourself he will make your SO sound likea fool in court.

Stop being intimidated by a fool.

I'm sure he wants to stand up in court and put on this big show, and tell the whole world how aggrieved and hurt he is. But yeah, it's a fantasy and he's a fool to think that.

Of course you will. That's where disputes get ruled on. What is so awful about going before a judge? You keep saying the same thing over and over and over: "OMG - he's threatening to take me to court . . . OMG . . . he's threatening to take me to court - OMG!"

You said he hasn't contributed much to family support in years. You have heard of court-ordered child support - haven't you? In the past, you got what he felt like giving you. Now, a court is going to tell him what he has to pony up.

And, pleeease - you have no idea what his lawyer is telling him. You know what he's telling you, which sounds like a crock o' crap to me.

You need him to discuss the kids education . . . for what? You got these kids in an expensive private Swiss boarding school? Or do they go to the public school down the road? What's to discuss? How are you looking like a bad mother?

You're working yourself into hysteria over what? Calm down.

You said in Post #1 that he's "moving out and washing his hands . . . " That was April 1rst. So when's he leaving? Or is this just the two of you having a bunch of drama? Does he sleep with you? (Just answer yourself - not me.) If not, is he seeing someone else?

You keep saying that he demands you "comply with what he wants!" So what does he want? What are these "demands?" What makes you think you can't make demands, too? You have empowered him - in your own mind - with all kind of control that he only posesses in his dreams - regardless of what you imagine his lawyer is telling him. (As tight as he is with money, I doubt he's paid a dime to any lawyer.)

You seem to want to be in a seige mentality . . . that impending disaster is on the horizon. The sky is falling.

I can readily believe that the ending of a 16 year relationship that has produced two kids would be traumatic for any young woman. My heart goes out to you on that. But I'm asking you to live in reality and deal with facts. The crazy crap coming out of his mouth are not facts.

Another thing. You say two lawyers told you to "wait it out and see what he does." No, metal, lawyers don't tell clients what to do. Calm down and really listen when lawyers talk to you . . . and you only need one attorney. An attorney won't tell you what to do. The attorney will ask you what you want to do. Then the attorney will tell you how to do it . . . the most effective way to get to your goal. But you have to choose the goal.

If you're hoping he won't really leave, then, fine, wait and see what happens.

Hello all this can be overwhelming and we think the worst. One thing to do now is if you have any joint accounts go and close them and put in your name. It's legal also he doesn't need to be there to sign you can do this now to protect your children and take control of the situation. You can legally do this.

That is great advice above.

I think, metalchick, you are having enormous difficulty facing that the love between this guy and you is over and you need to sever this. You think you need him. But he doesn't come through with what you need from him. I read your other thread about the electricity getting shut off - multiple times - because he didn't pay the bill. He's just driving you nuts, but you're afraid to bring this to a close. So all these fears you verbalize are really just lame excuses.

I believe this is hard and painful for you. You can just let him hang around and continue to sponge off of you. That's really what he wants you to "comply" with. He doesn't want to have to pay rent on an apartment. He won't leave your house, unless he finds another sugar-mama to give him a free place to live. And you know he sees other women. He's terrified of you getting a court order for him to pay child support, which you can do. You know that. So you know he's not leaving, unless you throw him out.

Either let him stay, or get a court supervised separation, with terms specified by the family court. But stop making this about you being afraid of his threats. You know in your heart his threats are empty threats. He has no real power. Maybe the kids are fond of him. If that's a reason to let him leech off of you, then keep him there, if you want. But you don't have to. It's for you to choose.

I think it's very significant that you've been with someone 16 years and don't really know how much he makes. So that tells me either you have no joint banking or have no access to any of his funds.

There's nothing here. Get an attorney, ask for exclusive use of the house, get your child support and visitation ironed out in court.

My greatest fear in all of this is about the kids. I know it will kill them to see him out of the house. You are right, there is nothing left between the two of us. It has been over for at least a decade. I was just too blind and busy to even think about it. But really the kids say things to me that make me think he is manipulating them into thinking bad things of me. And the kids know we hate each other. I am pretty sure he is leaving...he announced it several times in front of the kids and told me he is looking for apartments and they become available between May 15 and June 15th. And the only problem is what to do with the dog. He expects me to keep her at night and him during the day, but due to her breed, no landlord will allow that. I have also found empty boxes stashed away in the basement. As a response to an earlier post, I found out he is trying to get our daughter into a different school and I only found out by finding a pile of papers left laying around. So yes, I think there is a discussion that needed to be had about that. It is just another way he tries to push me out of their lives.

You tend to catastrophize. Him leaving will not kill the kids. Yeah, he may well have them convinced that, of the two of you, he's the cool one. They're kids; what do they know. But go ahead and let children make major adult decisions, if you think that's how you want to roll.

I'ld go right along with that proposal he made regarding the dog. See how long that lasts. My bet is that you will end up with doggie right there under your roof, without you having to say or do a thing. You keep forgetting: this guy hates responsibility. If he ever gets out of your house, you probably won't see all that much of him. He'll be busy hanging around the next woman who supports him.

The paperwork about school was left around to get a rise out of you. You took the bait. Get this whole mess into family court, and let the judge decide if your daughter can study where you think she'll do best.