if they dont want it enough ... discarded & abandoned

Recent developments show - if a spouse doesn't want M or a person enough, it's pointless to try.

I fought for my marriage during the last few years. I researched what was happening when this first began nearly 4 years ago. I consulted with those in the 'industry' who were exposed to similar situations for advice and counsel. It was one roller coaster ride after the next. I wasn't consistently here at the forum to update as things were in flux.

My spouse was going through a midlife crisis. And with it, came all of the rage, deceit, lying and chaos that such a condition brings. I decided to try because it was hard to access whether the marriage could (?) work or not in such a state.

This is similar to when your relatives or friends tell you NOT to make decisions, or respond to someone who hurt you, when you were still angry or upset & emotionally charged. The consensus being that the frame of mind, was not one with which to think logically.

Similarly, judging a spouse or the hope for a marriage is not unlike this during crisis. Crisis is crisis ... The conditions are too volatile during a crisis to make an accurate decision. It needs to give itself expression, run out of steam before healing can begin.

About a year or so my spouse, began returning to the marriage. It was 'incremental,' slow & still shaky, but evolving. In spite of this, I was cautious but continued to work on it (I had been through too much myself and am also in midlife, so 'proceed with caution' was my approach).

We had had two (in particular) raging arguments and after that, my 'deal breaker' was that we get help or we end it. He resisted marriage counselling, actually any counselling. However, I told him we needed help - & that it was clear that we couldn't help ourselves.

After a few weeks and more conversations, he agreed. I also felt that if this were psychologically based that there might be the possibility of progress for the marriage.

Side note:
Apart from the few (I admit) midlife recovered marriages, I saw 'Sex, Lies & Obsession' with Harry Hamlin & Lisa Rinna on Lifetime television. I was with a friend that day. We were going through similar experiences.

The movie is based on a true story. Hamlin is a sex addict (my spouse is not though). The point is that the couple was willing to work together and succeeded because there was honesty (after initial resistance & denial) of course, and because Hamlin's character wanted the marriage badly enough to get help & seek counselling ... the '12-step program'

In situations like these, psychology may help (if the therapy is effective & you don't end up with a nut bar ). My viewpoint is to try ALL before walking away. What I was also trying to determine was if my spouse had a character flaw to begin with. Unlike 'one's personal psychology,' character is much harder to treat - if at all !!! So I was looking for 'clues on the radar' for that as well...

It was lack of employment issues with a milestone birthday, that had him unravel into crisis to begin with. Recently, when things gradually began to improve, he moved toward his old self and all was beginning to look like it did 'pre-crisis'.

So there we were, working for the marriage. Things began to improve for him professionally. His mood and demeanour changed and he discussed how we would turn our lives around and make up for all that we lost! He as well meaning, as hope for him appeared after many frustrating years. Day in and day out we tried in our way. He had asked me 'to understand' the quirks ... so we plodded along one day at a time. BUT (!!) ... Time would reveal a character flaw and I ended up 'being played' and 'unceremoniously discarded'.

This happened when things improved much, much MORE professionally for him than either of us expected it to. The prospects were rolling in. He was VERY, VERY lucky. - the opportunities were not unlike winning the lottery! And suddenly, I was not good enough & with that, interest in counselling also went out the window. He simply 'up & left!' Humiliation covered me - I couldn't shake it off.

I was shocked (emotional) although I never put all my eggs in his basket (logical) - after all, so much of my trust was dismantled by then. In spite of that, I couldn't stop thinking about it! After all, we were working TOGETHER on this new path ... & we were. However, the 'generous glittery life fortune that the Gods bestowed on him', was too great to resist. And with that, it was like a switch - switch on - $$$$ ? switch off!
I felt so humiliated.

I am managing a bit better now after a month. It was simply about how it was handled. I was discarded & abandoned with all the problems here at home with my teen and few resources (He said he will send some money for the child. He is just settling into his new life with wealthy friends and impressive networks. A lot of things to do when you move up like this)

He has also resumed lying (!!) about me again. I think this is about conscience but it is no longer my concern. He is my past although sometimes i still feel hurt.

Right now, my focus is to take care of to be there for my teenager, as the teen years can be frequently challenging. I also have to focus on getting an income

So sorry he turned out to be a REAL jerk. I know the hopes for change are great while trying hard to make a marriage work & it does hurt to have to walk away even KNOWING that it's their personality issue that has caused it.

Sometimes life alone can be so much more PEACEFUL after all you have gone through...just takes some time to adjust.

With his new rich income, I would think that in divorce, child support & spousal support will be a lot greater now than what it would have been if you had divorced earlier????

Glad you didn't put all your eggs in one basket hoping he would change. He is the one who should be humiliated for behavior like that, not you, but I understand how that happens & works when their arrogance kicks in.

Honestly my life alone after 33 years in a bad marriage has been the best thing that ever happened to me. The feeling of peace & freedom does come when we start to get settled into the new life.

You may find teen problems to be less once the marriage issues are out of the picture.

Thanks eskielover for your kind and insightful message at a time like this. 33 years is a long time re a marriage - especially if not a good one! So, hearing from you with such an experience is quite reassuring

I was cautious but it was the way it was done as I mentioned before, that was so humiliating.

I saw another movie just today as the last two days were 'blah' for some reason (I have been trying at a project for my own satisfaction). It turned out to be a coincidence.

It was a movie from 2016. 'The Ticket' - with Dan Stevens. I actually didn't know what it was about it. I just was 'out of it', unable to focus and nothing was working out so I put on a movie. It turned out to be a little similar! Another jerk ...

You mentioned peace in your post and you are absolutely right! The peace is most welcoming! I didn't even realize it, but it is wonderful.

Thanks again for taking the time to write. It is the good things that I keep with me, including messages like you own to move forward.

Best to you in your own life as well!

I can relate to your pain. I too was abandoned. The biggest lesson I learned was that I needed to get a life for myself. I had to stop thinking about how hurt I was and about the people who did it to me. Hasn't he wasted enough of your time already ? It's not going to be easy , but if you can come out on the other side of this you will be happier than ever. I say that because you got rid of a poison to yourself.
And don't care about how he's living now because he's probably not as well off as you think , and I'm not talking about money wise.
Good luck to you. Get what you can for yourself and son from him and
move forward, one step at a time.

Distracting with movies is something I did a lot too....good idea & good self-care.

I can say that 10 years out of that 33 year marriage have been the best years of my life. It has been an awesome journey learning who & what I really am. Even though I was a career professional computer design engineer for 15 years of that time after getting my degree, I still lost who I really was because everything was still based on his likes when it came to every day things.....including food. Lol the first thing I did at my new farm was to go shopping & buy foods that only I liked. Gave MY KITCHEN a huge YES!!!!! after getting it all stocked.

For me there was a huge learning curve as I had never lived alone before, then, I lived around parents & a H who had serious communication problems. I had learned to continually repeat myself to make sure they got what I was saying & even though I did ok in my career, I always thought the communication problem was mine....it really wasn't but I did have to learn how to communicate with normal people ( it was so much easier).....the other problem was learning to connect to even friends with an emotional connection. 54 years of living with people incapable of emotionally connecting & again I thought that was my issue also until it started happening naturally with the normal people I am now around.

Had so much to learn in the last half of my life but it has been the most rewarding time of my life including connecting with my daughter in a way that seemed impossible in the circumstances we lived in.

I'm sure you will find the situation you are now in to be a great relief the more used to it you get.

After I left I still had things he did hit me & one huge one was with the IRS & what he had supposedly unknowingly done with MY inheritance....because of his typical know it all attitude that refused to double check & verify what he did was correct....turned into a HUGE mess that I ended up sorting through & handling myself though he ended up paying for his mistake with retirement money he didn't want to take but was the only possible money to pay it.

Then came the foreclosure on the house my name is still on the loan because he couldn't qualify on his own to refinance & the house was upside down for selling....so I am still haunted by him every so often over these 10 years. Lol what has saved both of us is that I moved 2100 miles away. He never communicated when we were married. Nothing has changed.

Challenges may continue but that peace of being away allows for much wiser ways of dealing with the things than when they are in the same house.

Be patient....I'm sure you will definitely grow to love your new found freedom life

continuosly blue that's exactly what I am trying to do - get a life for myself. I am sorry to hear of your own experience. I didn't check the 'date/time stamp' before responding to you - I hope that you are settled in you own situation by now (?)

re: >> he's probably not as well off as you think , and I'm not talking about money wise. << I know exactly what you mean and agree. $$ really isn't 'all!'

It's a lot where peace of mind is concerned re bills, mortgage etc, but if there is no peace of mind or a void - then what? So many ppl. respond to 'glitter,' but where there is 'lack', it will be remain there, even if temporarily concealed.

I am waiting for $$ to settle, but until I do, I am trying to get more independent financially to take care of my home (not just a "house") - things are scary tough but that's my focus.

I am moving on - & eskielover like you mentioned peace. Not to be underrated!!

Nice hearing from you, I appreciate it so much. Take care.

It's funny eskielover, I can also relate to the food situation you mentioned.

My preferences changed to suit his as well! I also had issue with who I was ... apparently he wanted to change me (I thought only women did that married men with intent to change them to what they wanted).

Unlike you, I am still trying to emotionally connect with some. I think I am holding back - must be fear based. Therefore, I must not be completely relaxed on some level and am not sure why just yet. I do want to meet new ppl. He was always out there, but not me (not as much anyway). Social connections are so important.

I cannot imagine how you felt re: foreclosure above. So unfair ... but thats life, isn't it? Mother always told me 'fair' is for somewhere else. I agree the distance from your x was best.

I have since experienced what you mentioned about challenges to face but without them in the same house. Makes a world of difference.

Thanks again for sharing your insight and experiences with me. It helps when others have been there ... We are so (!!) lucky to have technology today! I don't know where I would be if I couldn't have reached out like this, during those 'horrible sick to my stomach' moments.

Take care eskielover. See you on the forums!

Wishing you the best with this.

It took me awhile (several years) to emotionally connect as I had no idea what emotional connection even was. Never experienced it growing up with parents (21 years) or in my marriage (33years). It was like starting life over & figuring it all out after the age of 54......it can be done!!!!!

Know you will be fine with time & that PEACE.

>> >> figuring it all out after the age of 54......it can be done!!!!! <<
you are my inspiration!

re: >> >> figuring it all out after the age of 54......it can be done!!!!! <<
you are my inspiration!

Hi there,
I have a question - just wondered about your 'take' on it. Its 'somewhat' related to above ...

I have NOT spoken with xhusband since the above. We would txt sometimes as he was busy & he always replied to my msgs. These were not necessarily personal.

Just about the time when everything was coming to an end for us, I had msg to him some general queries. I could tell that he received the msgs I left. For the first time, he chose to ignore (now that life is good for him).

Sometime after I received (general) msgs from him. These were requests for just 'little' but important things. Maybe a doc at home that he needed to be put out. I am not spiteful so I facilitated.

However, I am not into this on/off again ... aka 'when in the mood response system,' especially when it is 1-directional & in his favour. So although the last was important, I did what I had to but decided on no further communication.
Apart from that, with the select game playing, I just didn't feel like having much to do with him. I need the space (not the on-off thing). I need to focus on my 'next-steps' without distractions.

I knew my lack of response would upset him (but I'm no child!) This is a control thing. They dish out what they won't accept for themselves. Anyway ...
A friend was telling me that I 'should' speak with him (guess she thinks its better for a child's growing brains to not have a mommy like this! And ordinarily, I would agree. I explained that it would be only if it has to do with children, or related advice, issues or activities.

You see infidelity is one thing, BUT some marriages can heal - with help + time +effort on the part of both parties.

My x is now lying a LOT more about me & it's impactful. Since my situation (less networks, prospects, experience, $$) is more vulnerable than his, he's getting through at times. Im rushing, busy and tired. I'm really financially burdened in the meantime. I'm doing everything and it shows.

Was I wrong to not speak with him? (I really dont want to have anything to do with him right now) I could 'pardon' a lot of things BUT he doesn't get to publicly slander me, then 'connect' to ease his conscience in private ... .And then get upset because I'm not responding! Don't think so.

Good marriages, other (!) friendships or relationships are about trust, honesty. TRUST & HONESTY. When someone lies like that, the more they do, the easier it gets.

Im am not typically a talker either, so it's 'talk-heavy' or the one side, his side - & just getting out of control out there.

Do you think I am being immature to not respond? Don't know if my emotions are running my logic here.

Hi! So sorry for your situation. My former husband abandoned me in a (late) mid-life crisis after 41 years of marriage. He lost a big case (attorney), and within a month his mother died. He was very depressed. I was a basket case for 4 months after he said he wanted a divorce. This came out of nowhere and had never even been discussed. Seriously, I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

Now, I realize that I only had "bits and pieces" of a man; nothing whole or profound. I am on my way to live in a brand new city, am dating and in charge of my life.

Best to you. Time heals, but it is essential to give yourself everything you need.

Grandessa

Thank you Grandessa for your encouraging post!
I really don't know where I would be today if I didn't have you guys

I cannot imagine what you went through or felt like at the time - after 41 years of marriage(!!) Who wouldn't be a basket case? It's such a shock to the 'emotional system'

It was absolutely heartening to read, above in bold & colour. That's wonderful news! I am very happy for you. You deserve it! I wish you the very best.

I am still working on income and there may be an opportunity soon, so I am hoping & moving on with my life.

Thanks so much for 'dropping by'