Feeling alone

Yes I think I do. About a year and a half ago she had to have an exam by a female doctor (gyno) and due to covid protocols she was required to wear a mask during that exam .

All thru covid she wouldn't go anywhere due to the masking as having her mouth coverec by a mask triggers her as her abusers used to put their hands over her mouth .

She pleaded with the dr to not have to wear the mask but like many medical offices they hide behind the rules of the day and said nope you have to .
She tried explaining her PTSD and rather then hear her and let her take it off because the doctors and nurses all had masks on and were at zero risk .

They broke their hypocritic oaths to do no harm and did her harm all in the name of a stupid rule that makes no sense. She basically had a nervous breakdown during the exam and nothing has been the same since. While she was in the midst of her triggered breakdown they even told her to calm down it's not a big deal 🤬

I am so very angry at that doctor's office because I realize this was the event that led to all of this . After that she became distant and cold and nothing was the same .

Ohhhh, yes I can see how that would be a major trigger. Then add to that having to wear a mask pretty much everywhere.

I’m so sorry, yes I can see how that can bring so many things forward.

That is so very sad and angering. That is absolutely miserable treatment by that facility.

I am so, so sorry.

Thank you, I wish I could have been there for her to stop them as I wouldn't have let that happen to her but obviously I am not allowed into that sort of exam and they ignored her wishes.
None of her struggles in the past held a candle to everything after that day and it started the process that ended our marriage of over 30 years. Our anniversary is in less then 2 weeks but I imagine anniversaries that occur during divorce proceedings don't count 💔

Must include a positive...The home inspection went well and the house looks decent overall, should be continuing with the purchase.

Sadmanagain, I am so very, truly sorry for what your wife and you have gone through. That is just horrendous and unacceptable.

I think I mentioned dh has medical problems that are undiagnosed and frequently dismissed. The last few years, my view of doctors keeps going down. They often don't feel like CARE providers, they feel like processors, ticking boxes and forgetting that they are working with actual, feeling, complex human beings.

Anyhow, good to hear that your inspection went well. Maybe a little space IS what she needs. Once you move, will you continue to see her regularly, on a friendly level?

It seems like as an abuse survivor, there might be a lot of undertones of authoritative abuse, including that by the doctor. Do you think maybe you are triggering that overbearing adult figure in her psyche, even though your intentions are loving and want to help? If so, maybe giving her that space to feel more control over herself will eventually bring her back around.

Lots of prayers and positive thoughts for you.

Tough session last night with the therapist . Made some connections about her actions/statements and her illness and how it has changed our interactions over the last year.
I believe she may be stricken with DID on top of the PTSD as she had frequently talkd to me about her injured child persona which has a name that is not hers . A lot of this I didn't pay much attention to but when I look back at it, I realize she talked about her often and told me recently that her child persona is too strong and she can't silence her .

If she indeed has DID then there is no way every other week therapy will help her with that, especially on top of the trauma PTSD . It's awful and I feel terrible about her struggles.

My therapist told me a phrase to recite when when I'm struggling to cope with this .

"My relationship has changed because she can no longer love me the way I need to be loved anymore "

He says it's the key to learning to move on and not dwell in what ifs.

We shall see sometimes it helps sometimes not .

Positive for the day ....going out with friends bowling .

Sounds like you're seeing things you didn't really recognize before. That's a lot to wrap your head around.

Perhaps in time, her treatment will change and she will find her way to where she needs to be.

In the meantime, hopefully you can find some meaningful ways to care for yourself.

That's a good mantra the therapist gave you. Mine is "I have to take the road that's in front of me." Guess that sort of avoids the what-ifs as well.

Nice that you will go bowling. Hope you are able to have some fun. Are you a good bowler?

Only done candlepin and this is 10 pin so I'll probably be terrible but it will feel good doing something for me with friends who want to see me have fun instead of the doom and gloom that has been my life . Btw I like your mantra also .

Bowling was fun, I even got 3 strikes and a bunch of spares , I'm still terrible at it .
We are going to make it a weekly thing 😀 . It felt good hanging out with some friends and enjoying being me and feeling welcome and not like I'm tip toeing over eggshells. It was nice . I picked up some dinner stuff for tomorrow and coffee for her as she was out. I was feeling good.

Of course I got home and all she wanted to talk about was lawyer stuff
and never even said thanks for picking up stuff on the way home and thinking of her.
Sigh now I feel like **** again. At least she didn't accuse me of sleeping with anyone although I bet she's thinking it .

This child part that she describes as being so powerful is going to take time for tha adult self to help that part grieve and slowly heal.

This is not something others understand as unless you experience it first hand you tend to not understand how dibilitating it can get and it’s not by choice.

That's great that you had fun and made a plan to go weekly. Things can seem not so bad when you have something to look forward to.

What did you think of 10 pin? I'm not real familiar with candlepin, though my mother may have mentioned doing that when and where she grew up. Sounds like you did pretty well. For the record, I've 10 pin bowled off and on my entire life and my all time high score is 142. Can you say you are that bad? The social end of it was always fun.

Sorry you had to come home to the same old, same old. Just remember, it's not you. Still hurts, I know. Mine really hasn't said please or thank you much in years, and when he does, it tends to sound forced, like he's only doing it because he feels there's no other way to get what he wants. Sometimes it's better if they don't try. SMH

Sorry you felt lousy after coming home. Hope you find more peace once you are in your own place. It should be more predictable at least.

That may be true however her calling a lawyer WAS a choice.

Choosing to take the easy way out (for her) instead of doing the hard work by explaining her situation and asking if there was a way she could have more space. Perhaps even having herself evaluated and getting checked into a facility
that can help her or at least see a trauma specialist on a weekly basis while we as a team easily could afford such things . I would have worked with her on any of those things as I love her.

Instead she is choosing divorce and her every other week social worker. Her decisions are poorly thought out.

I sympathize with her illness and what she has endured. I truly do.
At the same time it's hard to have sympathy for her choice and the damage her choice inflicts upon me , our son and to some extent herself. It will take me months if not years to get over the damage she has inflicted on me .
The feelings of being a failure at the most important job I had. Feeling like I do now, unloved and discarded by the person whom I basically did everything for for the last 3 decades out of love that she is willing to sacrifice is so damaging to my mental health I don't know how to express it on words alone.

Knowing that a alt child persona was probably one of main voices she based her decision on makes my soul cry out in anguish. Understanding her self meditation with alcohol only makes it all worse ( half a fifth of rum in the last 3 days ) also kills me .

She didn't choose to have her problems I know, neither did I .

I chose to promise to be there for her and love her forever in sickness and health good times and bad. She did as well . I kept my promise she did not .

I will never be cruel to her despite all this . I am just very sad and hurt

I agree the alcohol use is a problem and makes any challenge much worse.

It’s understandable you feel the way you do.

Thank you for the positive thoughts and prayers, I can use as much as I can get .
I don't think so but I suppose anything is possible. I can hear what you are saying though and I can see how it's possible .
She won't talk about much at this point about us stuff so it's hard to say for sure.
She had previously discussed how she would like to be friends still and eventually do things together and see where that goes . She emphasized how if we were to try we would need to take baby steps .
I like what you are saying about her having space helping her feel more control over herself will eventually bring her back around. I very much hope you are right .

10 pin was fun, much different approach then candlepin . From my point of view 142 looks great as my best game was 117, you'd kick my butt I think . It was my first try and I will get better with practice, definitely intend to keep going.

Thanks for reminding me it's not me . I sometimes I wish it were because if it was my fault then I could fix this . It hurts like hell and I keep hoping that the hurt will lessen as time goes by.

As this progresses I feel like she is gaining strength in her resolve as mine is drained by this process. It's so

Perhaps once I move into my new house and get settled there I will start to feel better .

.
.

Another awful evening, this is so draining, I went to bed 3 hours early I was so defeated and depressed.

I have come to a conclusion, which I believe fits this scenario. I need to accept that she isn't the image of her that's in my mind which is built from 30 years of wonderful memories. I want her to be but she is not .

She is a damaged person who is now a stranger who looks like the woman I love .
This is so unfair, it's not how it was supposed to be. It's going to take me a long time to heal .

My relationship has changed because she can't love me the way I need to be loved anymore.....

I wish something could give me the strength to endure this and come out the other side healed and ok . I am so lost and I need to find myself.

Hugs to you.

I feel very lost as well. Most days I don't feel like I have a future, and that scares the heck out of me. Once DD has grown enough to be independent, I fear I will become obsolete, as she is my main focus at this point.

The person, my mate, who was here, who was supposed to continue to be here, who I was going to keep having adventures with throughout life, disappeared somewhere along the way. Physically, he's still here, but my friend isn't here in a meaningful way anymore, I don't feel like there's much to look forward to. Even if he changed back, there's a lot of water under the bridge that makes things different now. That would be better, but still... you know.

I try not to think about it too much.

Life has a weird way of taking you where you need to go. One day at a time.

OTOH we're free in some very big ways too. We can redefine ourselves. Grow into ourselves. Again, one day at a time.

Emotional pain sucks.

FWIW, I think your bowling score is pretty good. It will be fun to see how you do as you do more of it. Most of my games don't make it out of the double digits. Been a long time since I've bowled though. Still love it.

Thinking of you sadmanagain. Hope you've had a decent weekend.

Heya and Hugs back to you, I really appreciate the support. It helps me get through my day when I'm really low.

Thank you for sharing your perspective
and the feelings you are dealing with. I am so sorry for what is happening to you . You sound like such a kind,caring person, I can't imagine how anyone could do that to you . It's good you have DD to focus on for the here and now.
My son is 22 and hopefully he visits often as he is my only family within 250 miles and without him I'm truly alone. I am terrified I will lose him to this as well.

I too question if I have a future often or at least struggle with what's the point of anything now ? At the moment I'm just going through the motions out of habit but I feel so very alone so often. It sucks

You are right, we are free to redefine ourselves and grow into ourselves.

That concept terrifies me how do I start to do that. The only future I had planned/dreamed of had the woman I shared 3 decades with in it The one who promised to stay by my side for the rest of her life . It was love at first sight and now she is dissolving us. This emotional pain sucks for sure.

As for my weekend, I've working all weekend (probably a good thing to stay busy) as we are changing schedules here on the mountain , closing up winter operations and switching spring summer operations.. After Monday I get a week off . I really like my job and my coworkers are awesome .

I'll definitely keep you updated on my bowling. Sounds like you should go again if you haven't in a while as you like it and it's good for both of us to do things for us that we enjoy. Perhaps we can compare scores .

Hope your weekend is going well also .

Thank you for your kind words in return. On here I can be a little more gooey and vulnerable, IRL I'm little more armor plated. Out of necessity.

I also fear that at some point, DD will get sick of the dynamic and just go. She may need to do that at some point anyway, in which case, not really sure. Maybe I'll get a dog? Find volunteer or other work?

Do you have a good relationship with your son? Does he have any feelings about what's going on, or is he removed from it all? With the whole dynamic changing, maybe your relationship with him can get stronger?

In codependency work, you're supposed to ask yourself what it is you want. And all too often, a codependent just focuses on what they think the other person wants or needs. When you haven't focused on yourself much, it is really hard to get in the habit of figuring out what it is you want. When you've spent a lot of time thinking as part of a pair, it's hard to shift over to a 'me' way of thinking. I've been working on it for 1.5 years now and still not successful at times. Accept that it's a slow process? It took thirty years to get here, it may take a while to get out. One day at a time...?

Don't know what kind of work you do, but it sounds interesting. Does that mean you are outside a lot? At least you have a job you like. That's got to account for something.

I've been around good mountains much of my life and nothing makes me happier than looking out at them (from the valleys where I've lived). Sometimes I sit at DD's school while waiting for her and just stare at the mountains all around. Think about driving off over them and never coming back .

Got any plans for your week off? Do something good for yourself. Something fun.

Maybe sometime I'll go bowling again. No bowling alleys close to home though. In the past I've been a pretty good Nintendo Wii bowler .

Hello and thank you for the encouraging supportive words.

Dogs are indeed good emotional support friends who give unconditional love to their owners and that sounds like a great idea for you . DD will probably love the dog also and that may help keep her coming around. Once I am settled in my new house I was thinking about getting one also

As for my relationship with my son, I talked some with him the other day . He said he is staying as far out of this situation as possible. I told him I don't blame you son, I wish this wasn't happening and I have done all I can.
Your Mom is determined to do this so there is nothing I can do. I emphasized how this is NOT his fault and that I love him very much ( I tried not to but I started crying while saying this). I told him that there will always be a room available at MY house and I would love to see him on a weekly basis. I told him the new house is only 16 miles away so it shouldn't be tough for us to stay close . I hugged him and he hugged me back, a good tight squeezing hug and boy did it feel amazing. I haven't gotten a hug like that with feeling in months.

As for my week off, you are right I NEED to do something good for me at least one of the days I need to devote to me having fun as I will need to spend a day or 2 starting to sort pack up my belongings.
I plan to start with the garage as a lot of my stuff is in there. I dread this much for the same reason I haven't slept in my new bed yet . It will make the denial of what's happening go away and I'll have to accept this IS happening.

I hear you about it taking me 30 years to get where I am and how i need to take it one day at a time but I don't even know where to start thinking for ME and not WE . Any suggestions on how to begin trying to wrap my brain around that concept ? How did you start on that if you don't mind me asking ?

Cool on the Wii bowling thing. I don't have that system anymore, can you bowl with others online ?

Positive for the day>>>> New house appraisal came in for more then I'm paying for the house and the house was appraised as having an effective age of 15 years . Not bad for a 60 year old house . It has been well maintained and built strong and sturdy. It will be a good place to start my life over in and figure out who I am and what I want from life.

Negative for today>>> I need to go out to buy moving boxes tomorrow and start packing up my life

The house sounds really good! Congrats on getting a good deal.

How long until you move into the new house?

I'll be with you in spirit as you pack your boxes....

Had a couple of moving forward thoughts to share and thought to post them here in case someone else can find them useful. Hope you don't mind.

10 Ways To Create Order In Your Life

This is a link to an article about priorities that I found very helpful. #5 was a good revelation for me. That priorities aren't about hopes or wants or even goals, but about concrete needs that one has to focus on in order to change their circumstances.

Also, a few years ago I read a brief essay by an old zen-type master. This is paraphrased, but you'll get the idea:

When you don't know what else to do, sweep. (Or do some other mindless, mundane work). It's soothing, gives your mind space to wander and solve problems, and if you haven't figured out what you need to figure out by the time you are done, at least your steps/walk/house is cleaner for the effort.

And it does work sometimes

Hope it's a good one for everybody.

Thank you for the upcoming spiritual assistance. It's gonna be tough starting packing but I have to start this week.

Thanks you for the Zen wisdom as well, I like the concept . I'll check out the priorities article link and thanks again for caring about my situation.

@sadmanagain I copied this from an article I read. I only have my old cell to use so I am not the greatest at copy and paste with it.

————————————————————————————————-——————————————-
Also, after talking with Heather more about her symptoms, I found out that she suffers from PTSD and takes several mental health medications to manage the PTSD and alcohol withdrawal symptoms. PTSD causes serious emotional pain, and many opt to use alcohol to numb the pain, only to cause worsening physical and mental health issues. One study shows that people with PTSD are 54.5% more likely to develop an alcohol use disorder.
Heather’s story could be similar to many others out there. What’s important to note, however, is that combining mental health medications with alcohol not only decreases their effect but increases the damage to certain organs. This means that Heather’s PTSD symptoms are likely not getting the benefit from her medications, but also combining her medications with alcohol may be making her physically sicker.
Even without combining alcohol with medications, the damage that alcohol does to our body is well-known yet not talked about enough. Heather tells me she’s worried about the health of her liver, considering her symptoms. She says she’s had a few test results that show high liver enzymes — a hallmark of liver inflammation and the first sign of liver damage. Indeed, some of her symptoms are on par with the beginning signs of alcoholic liver issues.

@sadmanagain how are you doing?