I Think I Learned Too Late:

Can't sleep....

So, last night at bedtime (we've slept together the past 4 years) i asked her to clarify something she told me 2 days ago.

She said, " we are at a crossroads. We can stay together, and try to heal together, but we may keep poisoning each other and never get back together, or, physically separate (across the country) and heal as individuals, even if we are apart several years, then see if God and the Universe might bring us back together."

She said she sometimes has feelings like she is suffocating because doesn't feel that my changes are lasting and permanent

She expressed that if we separate and heal, we could possibly end coming back together as totally different people, who can totally feel and understand the other person, fully healed from all the past and present trauma, including trauma we both experienced from other relationships.
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I asked her if i could quote her in my journal and she agreed. The quotes below were typed as she spoke. These statements are being shared with my therapist in hopes ot will help me to better understand myself and help me repair my own brokenness.

"You cannot put yourself in other people's shoes. You have no empathy in your heart and soul. Only God can give you that. I cant live with someone who has no empathy. Even after your March 1st awakening, you still have zero empathy. "

Example - "You never felt my unconditional love. You don't even know what unconditional love is."

"The way you talk to me currently. Like last night, i tell you that i think the only way we can heal is to completely separate and you insisted on us staying together shows a lack of empathy. You want us to "work out" but you don't think about what i want."

"You don't see the damage we are doing to each other. You think and plan so you won't make a mistake. With me, its unconscious. I don't have to think about it. It comes from within. When it comes to love, and doing things for love, then it shouldn't be planned. It should be automatic."

I said, "Im sorry. When you broke up with me, i felt like i needed to pick myself up, dust myself off and show you that I'm dependable and that I'll be there no matter what. That text devastated me. I'm still not thinking straight."

She answered, "i have a kind heart. Im very aware of others and understands others. You cannot feel my pain. You try to force us to stay together when i keep telling you we need to be apart. You see only the physical, not the spiritual. "

I asked, "if we are apart 5 years, and we did get back together, what would that look like?"

"If we are both healed, then its like two totally different people."

"When i say that i believe, that i have faith in what i said when we met. I believe in my promises. I believe in the love. I thought we were on the same level in love, but we are not."

Timeline question: if we closed out our business deals tomorrow, what would you do?

She said, "i would make the move to South Carolina right away and just breathe again. Us staying together is hurting, but i know we have to do it right now, because of the finances."

I told her this, just now, as she was leaving for work, "Please remember this, forever and always. I swore an oath to protect you, and to love you and to never leave you...and what you are asking me now, is that i leave us and walk away. I would have never left, or given up on us, and i am only removing myself from your life now, because you are asking me to do it."

I think I'm more hurt and confused now than ever before....

I guess me fighting to hold on has been such a stupidly, foolish move....and i thought i was showing her my true colors, my reliabilityand my desire to honor my promises.

*sigh*

Well, time to put on a smile and try and get through the day.... 😞

Throughout this crazy event, my wife still doesn't consider divorce an option. She said, several times, that she believes if we give ourselves a few years - of Geographic separation - that "God coukd very well bring us back together as husband and wife. "

So, I'm thinking....

What if i grant her this request.

I live here in California a few years, she lives in South Carolina a few years, then we agree to meet again and see if she feels differently about me....

Im 57 now. In 5 years i will be 62.

How long would we be "back together" before the next breakup text?????????????????

Tuesday night, we were planting lavender bushes and she said, "I keep thinking about your job with the law firm. You have the best job you've ever had, and now i am faced with the fact that, after i have raised you, as an adult child, and now that you are changing, some other woman is likely going to reap the benefits of those changes and the benefits of your new career."

I told her, "I've always felt that this job was "ours" and not just "mine."

She also told me, about 2 years ago, that "marriage is very important. Being older (she just turned 54) and unmarried makes you look like a defect."

This morning, she asked me, "what does your mother think about our breakup?"

I answered, "Mom loves you and Mom hopes we could find a way to make it work, but Mom is willing to accept whatever decision you make, or feel like you have to make."

She then asked, "what did you tell your Mom and kids (adults) about the reason behind the breakup?"

I answered, "I told them that i feel like i let you down as a husband, i didn't treat you the way i promised too, and i feel like you got hurt, got tired and just fell out of love."

She said, "Well, you are definitely changing. 6 months ago, you would have blamed me..."

Question, didn’t your wife work too? Wasn’t it true that both of you had to work in order to have what you have?

So, this morning i told her, "i believe that marriage should be based on love, not two incomes, not someone's potential (she has told me several times, when asked why she married me, it was because she saw my potential) and not the need for continued medical coverage or social status. Honestly, i feel guilty now being on your health plan and im listening now when you say that you want me out of your life, whether its 5 years or forever, or whatever that might be, i hear you.

I'm gonna honor that choice. I made a commitment to you to stay here and keep the home maintained (which takes both our full-time incomes, even though our cars are paid off and we have zero outstanding debt) and i never break a promise, so you can count on my income to continue until the big deals all close and we can divide the profits.

I guess, for now, i should move into the guestroom to make things easier on you, if that's possible, i really don't know how you feel about that, but i don't want to hurt you, or disappoint you any longer by trying to keep "us" from falling apart.

If you need me out of the house to feel better in the here & now, i can ask to stay at my drummer's cabin (which he offered 2 years ago) and live there while bankrolling you here, so think about it and let me know.

But, i want you to know that i love you, and i honestly thought i was fighting for "us" by staying and not staying to cause you to feel uncomfortable or unhappy...."

Yes, she is a hardworker. She has been the backbone of our finances. I make the money, giver her 100% of my pay (always since we first married) a d she managed the money.

The cars are all paid for.

We have no debt other than the home, which is in her name only, and I'm ok with that.

I trust her without question. I love her beyond anything i have ever experienced.

I gotta say that when I read your wife’s statements about feeling like she raised you where you could use what you learned on someone else hit home with me. I think a lot of women feel that way.

@Open Eyes, @Tart Cherry Jam -

This morning, i sat down with one of the attorney's i work with and asked if he would do my divorce.

He said,"its easy, you can do this yourself! We literally do this everyday here!"

I said, "its not easy. I break down crying when i start typing."

So he agreed to look at my case and he said, "Boy, your are really stupid. You signed away all rights to the home and property purchases, even on purchases you funded???

You agreed in the legal separation to give up your claim to spousal support???

You can still claim the funds you deposited on these purchases and at least require the home be sold to fund the repayment. "

I answered, "I love her with all my heart. I wish her love, peace and a husband in the future who measures up. I gave my word and i cannot break a promise.

I have nothing but my car, my clothes and a few musical instruments.

I'm all alone and my integrity is all that i have.

All im asking you is to please draw up the papers and file it.

I ask for nothing. Just give me a date that i will finally be free from my obligation, a date that i can look foward too..."

He said, "do you realize that you are potentially giving up your rights to several, hundreds of thousands of dollars that you are entitked to by law???"

I said, "Yes, i know....but I'd rather sleep on a park bench than break a promise that i made. Write me a simple divorce, nothing requested, and be sure that in the actual court document, that you write this statement. "

"The petitioner files this with a heavy heart, but he feels an obligation to give the respondent the freedoms that she is requesting. The petitioner asks for nothing from the respondent, because he gave his word of honor and nothing could ever compensate for the loss of the true love of his life. The petitioner wishes the respondent love, peace and happiness, and the hope that being released from this marriage covenant will bring healing and new beginnings...."

He looked at me and said, "That is the dumbest ***** I've ever heard, but OK, its your life. We'll do it your way..."

I see that now and i carry so much shame and guilt for her feeling like she had to raise me.

But, ive done everything to try and hold on, all the while she is saying that "you need let go and we need to move on as individuals."

I served in the military. And when we were assigned to a duty, we remained there until we were properly relieved.

I feel like i kept my promise to love her, protect her and always be there, and now, i feel like she is telling me "you are relieved from your obligations" and that is my signal that its time to move on.

5 years won't change anything. Id be a fool to sit here in California and wait by the phone for her call.

Actually, when you planted that bush and said you were practicing for your next wife?

Can you see how both of the things I picked out correlate?

Never make choices like this out of emotional duress.

Also, while it may seem you are doing what’s right, you are actually doing her a disservice.

Yes, but the day before that planting event, she told me, "stop saying that you have a responsibility to me as my husband. Anything you learn here, in the time we are together, that's for your next relationship. "

@Open Eyes:

She is asking me to sit by the phone for 5 years - on opposite sides of the country - and wait and see if i will ever be "good enough," or on the same "spiritual level" as she is.

What disservice am i doing her? I gotta admit, I'm struggling to find your perspective. Please explain???

Never act on a hurt ego where your actions end up causing irreparable damages.

This can be hard, but it’s a must be learned to reduce damage.

I feel like its my heart that's hurting. Not my ego really. I have zero self esteem.

I mean, I'm literally being asked to let go and agree to cross-country separation.

It’s ok to investigate your rights. Different states have different laws. It is my understanding that in California property gets split in half when a couple gets divorced. That being said, if you have property investments in another state that has different laws, then that can be a problem.

If you have a large property in South Carolina that is all in your wife’s name then your right to half that property depends on what the South Carolina Laws say about that.

So if you have an investment that is to pay off 4 years down the road in property that is in your wife’s name in a state that only sees that as her property only, then it’s your wife that will benefit from that investment venture. Understand?

This may prove to be very unpleasant to learn. Yet the key is not react on that even though it’s a deeply upsetting thing to learn.

That’s like inheritance. Some states have laws that say a marriage partner can get half of a spouses inheritance should the couple divorce. Other states, like Mass. do not allow a spouse to get half of their spouses inheritance.

It’s important to know these legal facts according to each state.

I will not ask for anything.

I may be without empathy, but I'm not without honor and i love my wife to the moon and back.