My divorced son is miserable--any advice?

Hello, brand new to this forum....I'm writing about my 34 year old divorced son. He got together with a girl about 10 years ago, she was pregnant with someone else's baby (the guy went back to his wife and is not in the picture). My son was in the delivery room when B was born and has been "Dad" to B for 10 years. During these 10 years, my son married the girl, they had a son together, and then divorced.

My son has treated B like his own child for the boy's entire life (B doesn't know my son isn't his "real" dad). My son's actual son, J, is now 7. My son has always taken both boys on the same visitation schedule (he only pays child support for J).

In the past year or two, B has become very hard to handle. His mother gave him a cell phone that is used so she can track him/them and also so she can FaceTime him whenever she likes. B has a habit of reporting back to her everything my son says and does--it's like having her in the room at all times. He's also very disruptive, loud, disrespectful, rude, etc. No one has a good time when my son has both boys--and he has both of them around 5 times per week, including 2 overnights. (She's since had a third son--they all live in one bedroom at her mom's house so she loves having 2 of her kids out of the house quite often)

My son is to the point where he can't spend 2 minutes with J, because B takes all the energy out of the room at all times. We've told him that J deserves his father's attention without constant interruption from B. I feel that J is missing out on so much, and so is my son. In addition, she won't allow either boy over to our house, for reasons unknown to us, so I hardly have any relationship with either boys. We've always treated B the same as J, but it's to the point where I don't want to spend time with them because B is so rude and disrespectful and J is starting to pick up on his habits as well.

We have tried telling my son that it's in his and J's best interests to not include B anymore (or as often) but he is fighting that (even though he is miserable), because 1) he would feel guilty, and 2) she'd likely tell B my son is not his real father, and my son doesn't want him to know. (Personally, I think they should have told him a few years ago; waiting until he's older is only going to be worse)

The thing is, if she were healthy (I suspect some mental health issues) she'd appreciate everything my son does with B and not use B to make my son's time with the boys miserable. But she's not. My son isn't allowed to take the boys on vacation because B is not his, yet he's expected to treat B as "his" in every other way. We'd love to take my son and grandson on vacation, but can't at this point.

I feel my son has gone over and above for B but it's to the point where something has to give. I know separating the boys isn't ideal, but J deserves a happy, mentally healthy father, and right now, that's just not the case.

Sorry for the long story.....any comments are welcome! Thank you!

Lawyer! Your son needs official visitation rights. Maybe a mediator can help. It shouldnt be her way all the time. What do you mean, you cant have J at your house? Where are the kids when your son has them?

Thanks for responding. I've spoken with a couple lawyers, my son has no legal rights to B unless he adopts him. And yes, both kids have been told by their mother not to set foot in our house. When my son has them, he has them at his place. She tracks B's phone, as well as the tile location devices she's sewn into their jackets. We threw a birthday party for J a few months back--their mother tracked them to our house and they refused to get out of the car. We had the "party" without the birthday boy. I honestly think he would have come inside but B told him "Mom says no" so that was that.

At this point, I'd like my son to try building a relationship with J--his son--without B around. I know that sounds harsh, but she's not going to change, B is her pawn, and meanwhile J is losing out all the way around. But my son feels guilty about only taking J, so B is included and makes life miserable.

I have nothing against B--I've been his "grandmother" since he was born. But having him around is like having his mother around. She hates my son, she hates us, she hates our family. I can't change that. The only resolution I can think of is for my son to only take J on the scheduled visitation days.

How do I convince my son this is the right thing to do, guilt or not?

Thank you!

How sad. For sure get a lawyer to have his rights to his son. He definitely deserves to go on vacation with his father. The device gets put up while the 10 yr old is at his dad’s house and tracking devices taken off of them, that’s very manipulative of her.

Again, lawyer, judge. Get custody and visitation rights defined for J. She should not dictate what happens during your son's time.

His visitation rights to his son are clear and outlined in their divorce papers, he has him (and also B) 4 evenings per week, overnights every Friday and Saturday nights, and all day Sundays. (She loves her “me” time.) He doesn’t have to take B, he has no legal right to. He feels it’s his responsibility to have him also, even though having him sabotages any relationship with J.

I think this is more of a moral issue than a legal one. Is he morally obligated to continue taking B, knowing it’s going to be unpleasant and chaotic and detrimental to his son?

Then family counseling. I dont see why she sets the rules for his time. Maybe a therapist can help you all change those rules. Otherwise go back to a judge and get full custody of J and get away from her craziness. Start documenting her rules, if you havent already.

ETA - Morality doesnt really mean anything here, it all depends on what a judge will allow her to do. Her not allowing stuff your son wantz to reasonably do sounds like parental alienation and judges frown upon that, like hard.

Thanks unaluna! I appreciate your responses. I think I'm mainly asking about my son not taking his stepson when he takes his son. I believe if he did not take B, she would ease up on her rules--she uses her rules to control my son: "If you don't do everything I say, you can't spend time with B" sort of thing. But if he gives up his time with B, there's nothing she can do about what he does when he has just J.

He's not trying to get custody of J. I just think he'd be better off just taking J during his court approved time, and leaving B behind, in order to have a peaceful visit with J. But my son feels guilty about doing this; he'd rather keep things as they are right now (miserable) than make this change and start enjoying being a dad.

Anyway, thanks again!

It's a sad situation. Your son has quite a dilemma on his hands. He'll have to work it out as best he can. It is tempting for you to believe that you know best how to handle this. Your ideas may even be good ideas. The problem is that none of this is for you to decide. I think you need to let go.

Your son got involved with a very unbalanced woman. (She has 3 kids by 3 different men. So she bounces from relationship to relationship.). That may suggest that he has some psychological issues of his own. For him to make good decisions, he needs to be mentally healthy. He needs to mature, himself. The surest way for you to sabotage that is for you to be over-involved in planning what your son does.

If a lot of your time is spent trying to figure out solutions for your son, then your life is out of balance. You need to pursue your own adult relationships and your own interests. Of course, grandchildren are one of those interests, the role of grandparents is not to arbitrate the relationships between their children and grandchildren. A grandparent's role has to be more passive. That may be hard for you to accept, if you are a natural problem-solver. It sounds like you are.

Having an unruly child behaving badly in your home is a situation you have a right to exert some control over - in your home. What transpires between your son and those boys away from you is something you need to not make a focus of your attention. Naturally, you want your son to be happy. But he's a big boy, now and his life is for him to figure out. He's going to struggle and make mistakes . . . maybe some big ones. Maybe he's in the habit of confiding everything in you. If you are his main confidant, he needs to find a new significant other. Sometimes it is appropriate to act a bit detached from your adult child's doings. He needs to see that you have your own life, relationships and interests. One way to promote your son being happy is for you to role model living a fulfilled and satisfying life. Time you spend talking to lawyers about your son's options would be better spent doing your own thing, whatever that may be. Obviously, you are educated and have built a successful life. Undoubtedly, you have interests. Pursue them with gusto. Shift your focus.

You asked for suggestions on how to convince your son to do what you think is best. Even if that were achievable (which I doubt), that is not what your goal should be. Even if you have the wisest ideas about resolving this difficult situation, it's not your problem to solve. Yes, the older boy misbehaving in your home does create a problem for you. You have a right to address that. That's more than enough of a challenge for you, without you also trying to figure out what your son should do.

It’s sad all around.

But trying to convince your son to stop seeing his son (even if he’s not biologically his) doesn’t sound right to me. Your son is a grown man and it sounds like he has his own place and that’s where he sees the kids. If they misbehave, they do so in his house, not yours. The aren’t even visiting your house

You said mom doesn’t want children in your house. I wonder why. She is ok with kids being with dad in dad house, just not in grandmas house. What led to that decision? It sounds that there is animosity between you and the mother of the boys.

Regardless of moral or legal components, unless your son is incapacitated and you are his legal guardian I don’t believe you can or should convince him to do something you think is right. You might be in danger losing your son if you push him to live his life by your rules.

I know it’s hard to watch adult kids making decisions that might differ from how you do things. But that’s part of raising kids. They grow up and make their own mistakes

Why do you think you know what is best for your son?

He is a grown man. He willingly entered into a relationship with a woman who already had a child. So, he can make his own decisions and live with the consequences of his decisions, as an adult.

You saying that your son should dump B is not right. Yes, he is not biologically your son's child but he was raised as such. Can you imagine how B might feel to be abandoned by the man he saw as his father figure? Does that not affect you at all?

And of course J deserves a "heathy and mentally happy father" - but so does the child your son raised as *his own*. And frankly, if your son is not doing well it is on *him* as the adult to seek mental health support so that it does not impact the kids, both kids. Getting rid of B will not make your son magically happy.

Your concern for your son is understandable, and your personal issue with the situation is too. Alienating B is going to cause pain, for B, your son and even J, it is an option sure, and so is telling B the truth about his “father” but who knows what madness that would bring at this already tough time.
Sometimes when things are uncomfortable, and “miserable” as you described it one just has to deal with it, to alleviate the negative feelings isn’t always the solution, sometimes you just have to exist there for the sake of the people you love.
I don’t blame you for trying to ‘improve’ the situation, I’m a parent too, I know that desire well, i hope they can all focus on the love they have for each other and get through it as a family.