[geniousjess]

I met a guy. Cliche i know. But this is huge, i've never in my life felt comfortable enough to date. I'm 24 and have not once had a serious relationship due to insecurities and the ED. This guy is so good to me. I'm so insecure, not anywhere near ready to date, and so i tried to sabatoge where we were headed. He didn't give up and said he was willing to wait while i worked on myself. Who says that? I know he's great and i really want to see where it could go, but i just can't.
Im so sick of not being able to live and enjoy life because i'm so uncomfortable in my own skin.
So in response i've stopped eating, made goals about how i except my body to look before i will allow myself to date this guy, and am falling back hardcore into the ED behavior. I know it's wrong. I know i'm hurting myself, but i'm so convinced that this time will be different, this time once i hit that specific goal i will FINALLY be happy and magically cured. I know better. I know how it ends. I've lived it for the past decade. But for some reason, once i have the thought "this time it'll work, just try one more time" I HAVE to try. I give in to the ED once again. I'm sure its the only way, I'm sure i've finally got it figured out. But as sure as I think i am, i know better. It'll be a disaster, i will be an emotional wreck, struggle with wanting to kill myself, binge, and take a good 2 weeks to get back to some semblence of reality. (not necessarily in that order) But i can't not try. And since i'm doing it for "him" i assume i can't fail, but even i know how ridiculous that statement is. Sometimes i think my ED is all i'll ever have. In the end the ED wins, it'll be just us. I'm not looking at this as giving up, i'm looking at this as a necessary setback until i can feel comfortable enough to date. Then i'll work on recovery again. I know it's stupid, but i couldn't imagine not trying.

[Warrioress]

I don't know what to say. I don't have enough experience to offer any advice. I can only pray and hope that things would get better for you asap. Take care

Geniousjess,

It's time to seriously look at why you do what you do. What are you so afraid of? for me, I was terrified I would be raped again so the anorexia was all about becoming unattractive to men, deflecting off that attention. I would take this opportunity to sit down with a therapist and really try to discover what it going on underneath the surface.

i wish you well and hope this is not the start of a serious relapse.

love and hugs,
Tara

[avoice]

Have you made a list of what could happen to you. So let me get this right as long as you have ED you won't date right? You said your falling back hardcore right? Hardcore to me means a very dark place wear it may take many many many years to come out. You may never come out unless you see the real you than it mite be to late. Is that fair to him to wait? Do you really think he will wait and stick around and watch you slowly kill your self? I don't mean to be harsh. When your ready to get better it will take everything and more to get better you have to be willing to do what ever it takes to get better or that monster will win. ED and my life and I was indeed hardcore took me 5 Treatment Centers some of the best places like Center for Change, Rosewood, Maybe you know these places. Hade a feeding Tube in my stomach for 3 months to carry around. Not fun lost friends peoples trust. Lets just say I got a second chance. Please think before you start this path Please don't take this wrong I have seen people died because of ed My friend had a daughter that was 21 never new she was anorexia until it was to late. For some reason something woke me up to check on something on facebook and I stop here. To find this to read your form and could not go back to sleep before saying something. Sign "Avoice

[geniousjess]

Avoice-
No worries, I told him to move on and that I wasn't interested a few days ago. I guess its the price paid for having an ED. Truth is, I'm really not interested. I want to be. But I just can't have that much pressure on me, I can't allow anyone close enough to me to see just how real and crazy this thing makes me. As far as getting back into the ED, I haven't eaten anything for a week or so. I'm going to lunch with a friend today for her birthday so I imagine ill eat something then. I won't purge, but it'll set in motion another week of making up for my mistake of eating. its frustrating, my dietician tells me I know exactly how to eat right, and I do. I don't eat like a normal healthy person because I'm so afraid of gaining weight, of not losing weight, and giving this thing up. I know what I do is dangerous but everytime I think of the risk, I just figure the benefits out weigh it. And I guess I'm depressed cause I figure if it kills me, I don't have to fight anymore. Its hard to wake up everyday knowing your fighting for your life. I'm tired. So the easy way is to give in to what I know.

[avoice]

Originally Posted by geniousjess

Avoice-
No worries, I told him to move on and that I wasn't interested a few days ago. I guess its the price paid for having an ED. Truth is, I'm really not interested. I want to be. But I just can't have that much pressure on me, I can't allow anyone close enough to me to see just how real and crazy this thing makes me. As far as getting back into the ED, I haven't eaten anything for a week or so. I'm going to lunch with a friend today for her birthday so I imagine ill eat something then. I won't purge, but it'll set in motion another week of making up for my mistake of eating. its frustrating, my dietician tells me I know exactly how to eat right, and I do. I don't eat like a normal healthy person because I'm so afraid of gaining weight, of not losing weight, and giving this thing up. I know what I do is dangerous but everytime I think of the risk, I just figure the benefits out weigh it. And I guess I'm depressed cause I figure if it kills me, I don't have to fight anymore. Its hard to wake up everyday knowing your fighting for your life. I'm tired. So the easy way is to give in to what I know.

The thing about ED it's not the easy way out it can kill you slowly. Please think about what you'll be leaving behind. You deserive to live. Fine the inner you. Your body is beautiful. I hade to say to my self everyday Hello Me Goodbye ED if you get a chance read my postA Day in the Life of an Anorexic: An Aide to Those Who Can't Identfy



Jenni Schaefer She wrote that book A wonderful person. I actually Got a chance to meet her in person.

[geniousjess]

Thanks for bringing it up again in the forum, I only have my phone tues-thurs so I couldn't find it. It was a great post. But I'm right there with you, just a minute ago I said to myself that I don't want to continue down this path again, I've fought so hard to get better (I still have a long way to go) but immediately my ED kicked in saying that I was fat and ugly and this is my only option. It made me feel disgusted with myself for even thinking of quitting. Its hard. I quit my dietician today. She told me that I am headed for heart failure and to please keep her updated so she knows I'm safe. I know I'm taking actions to encourage not eating. But I'm convinced I have it figured out, this time will be different and ill control it. I know the things I think about this are wrong. I know there is no safe way to not eat. I know the risks, and I just figure the goal is worth it. Insane and irrational, but so hard to get past.

[avoice]

Originally Posted by geniousjess

Thanks for bringing it up again in the forum, I only have my phone tues-thurs so I couldn't find it. It was a great post. But I'm right there with you, just a minute ago I said to myself that I don't want to continue down this path again, I've fought so hard to get better (I still have a long way to go) but immediately my ED kicked in saying that I was fat and ugly and this is my only option. It made me feel disgusted with myself for even thinking of quitting. Its hard. I quit my dietician today. She told me that I am headed for heart failure and to please keep her updated so she knows I'm safe. I know I'm taking actions to encourage not eating. But I'm convinced I have it figured out, this time will be different and ill control it. I know the things I think about this are wrong. I know there is no safe way to not eat. I know the risks, and I just figure the goal is worth it. Insane and irrational, but so hard to get past.

Have you ever been to a treatment facility? Well my prayers are with your loved ones. I can't watch you kill your self anymore it hurts me to much. There a better world you just have to trust me. One more thing before I go. Here's a glimse at what HOW my family found me one day. My husband came home, My son at the time was being home school. He Said Dad I haven't heard from mom all day at the time we were sleeping in seperate rooms. i'm only going on what they told me. So he kick down the door there HE CALLED 911 I was IN CAREIAC ARREST So THEY REVIVED ME AND RUSHED ME TO THE ER WITH A VERY LITTLE PULSE MY HUSBAND SAID IS MY WIFE GONNA MAKE IT MY FAMILY WAS AT MY BED SIDE WAITING FOR ME TO WAKE UP. LUCKY ME I DID. I WAS GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE. SOME MITE SAY IT WAS NOT LUCK. SOME MITE SAY I WANTED TO LIVE ON AND NOT PUT MY LOVED ONES THROUGH THAT AMEN.

[avoice]

God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Can Not Chanage The Courage To Change The Things I Can And The Wisdom To Know The Difference. AMEN

[avoice]

Originally Posted by avoice
A Day in the Life of an Anorexic: An Aide to Those Who Can't Identfy


Anorexia is a very hard for people to understand. Many see it as a harmful lifestyle choice. The truth is, it is a mental disorder and not any more a choice than depression or schizophrenia is. Some wonder, what is it .



like to go through a day in the life of an anorexic? The answer may be a bit tough for some to take.

But let's imagine...

You wake up in the morning and your stomach growls. You take a shower and when you get out you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. You wind up wasting 10 to 20 minutes staring, pinching fat here and there, sucking in your stomach, imagining what you'll look like 5, 10, 20 pounds less.

Before getting dressed, you weigh yourself. You must weigh yourself naked because you are afraid that anything, even your socks, will add weight to the scale. You step on and off about 3 times until you are satisfied you are given an accurate number. If the number is higher than yesterday by even a tenth of a pound, you will feel like you want to die. If it is lower, you are momentarily happy but you remind yourself you have a lot further to go.

You get dressed and go down to the kitchen, take a look at everything there is available to you, but you stop yourself from having a bite of anything. You tell yourself that the feeling of a hunger is a good one, that you need to keep strong because giving in would be giving up on yourself.

You go through the day thinking about food. You go to work or school, you socialize and smile, but in your head you are thinking only about food. How much you want it, the reasons you can't have it, how you are going to avoid this meal and cut the calories on that meal.

You've given yourself a maximum daily allowance of calories, a number that is probably 5 to 10 times below what your normal intake should be. If you manage to stay under, it is a good day. If you go over, even by 10 or 20 calories, you are disgusted with yourself. So disgusted that you feel you could scream.

You spend your time online looking at pictures of models and researching every tip in the book. How to dress to look thinner, what foods will fill you up quicker, what exercises will tone which muscles.

You over exercise on very little energy because of the lack of nutrients in your system. You feel like you are going to faint, but you push yourself anyway. That voice in your head is telling you than being thin is .




worth it.

You start to have a mental list of your "safe" foods. You fear certain foods to a point that if you are faced with them, you feel like you might cry. In fact, you probably will. You can't eat out with friends anymore because you can't stand not knowing all the calories in your food and they can't stand watching you suffer.

It will hurt to sit because you will feel your bones grinding against the chair. You will find your hair falling out more than usual. You will risk early onset of osteoporosis and possibly a heart attack.

You spend your night lying in bed, planning what you are going to let yourself eat the next day and you can't sleep until you have figured it out.

You have your moments throughout the day where you fight with yourself. Where you want to just force yourself to eat. The times when you realize what you are doing to yourself and you are nothing but scared.

But the anorexia becomes a voice so strong and powerful that you feel like the real you has been forced into some back corner of your mind, struggling to be heard. You don't know what to do or who to turn to because you feel like no one understands.

You finally get yourself to sleep, not knowing whether you will wake up in the morning.

The next day, you go through it all over again.

So please, before you pass any judgments on someone dealing with this terrible disease, understand the suffering they go through on a daily basis.

And if you know someone who is suffering from any eating disorder, get help as soon as possible

That was taken from another post in this forum.

I know it feels good now. Really. We know. The sense of control, possibly the lower number on the scale.

It feels good now. But it won't for long.

I encourage you to get help before you start spiraling out of control. Don't underestimate the power of an eating disorder. It can and will take over your life.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, avoice,
You are wonderful, you try so hard to share your strength. I am enlightened by you.
I do not have this disorder but I am glad that you have described it and I can understand it now. I had aways thought that it was a result of some kind of abuse.

Genouisjess, this person is someone worth listening to. I know that sometimes I want to disappear somehow. But, then I find someone like avoice that is struggling too and I can't help to think, wow, someone else is trying very hard too.

It sounds like you are trying to punish a nice person that is inside you. I don't know why nice people do that. I can't understand why, if you are a nice person, that you wouldn't get better and fight it so that others like you have a reason too.

You know I see different disorders that people have and I meet them in a chat or in forum and boy, I am really glad I met them. Sometimes I wonder if somehow we are raised to have to feel or look perfect and thats what hurts us. I wonder if all these perfect images we stare at growing up makes it just happen without us knowing it.

There is no way any human can be perfect. But society seems to make us think that there is some way to be perfect. But, its not even society its all the advertising tricks and what will please us. You know that there are actual studies done for packaging that is more pleasing to the eye. Do you know that they can see certain eye movements and actually know what the design of a bottle is going to be more attractive?

I saw that and I couldn't believe it. But see how tricky advertising, packaging and marketing really is? I cant help but think that this is not such a good thing. Did you even know that the pictures of the models in magazines are so touched up that you really don't see what that model really looks like in real life? Even on television they do so much with the people to make them look so much better. I have met some of them in real life and they don't look nearly as good as they do on TV. Not in person, I couldn't believe that what I saw in real life was the same person on TV.

Do you know that at Model shoots these models wear so much makeup you would not believe it. I happen to see it, and it was unreal.

And thats it Geniousjess, ITS NOT REAL. The images in those magazines that you try so hard to see in the mirror? Even those people who's images are taken and used don't look like those magazine pictures. They cannot even stand in front of thier own mirror and see what they see in magazines.

Next time you go outside look at nature, everything that is natural. Look at the trees that are natural, you will see that NOTHING IS PERFECT, NOTHING.
But you know what? Step outside and see how much nothing perfect can be so beautiful. Look at every tree and how each one is different. I prefer the ones that are all crooked myself, the more imperfect the better, I happen to stare at them longer and ponder in amazement.

Tomarrow morning step outside to the imperfect world we live in within Nature. Bet you can't tell me if you look long enough, its really pretty and amazing. Maybe if you stopped looking at you and look at what the world is around you, maybe you might think that it would be better to not try to be perfect that life never expects that, nature doesn't demand that either. Perfect is not natural. Theres no such thing.

Open Eyes

[avoice]

[quote=Open Eyes;1846491]Wow, avoice,
You are wonderful, you try so hard to share your strength. I am enlightened by you.
I do not have this disorder but I am glad that you have described it and I can understand it now. I had aways thought that it was a result of some kind of abuse.

Genouisjess, this person is someone worth listening to. I know that sometimes I want to disappear somehow. But, then I find someone like avoice that is struggling too and I can't help to think, wow, someone else is trying very hard too.

It sounds like you are trying to punish a nice person that is inside you. I don't know why nice people do that. I can't understand why, if you are a nice person, that you wouldn't get better and fight it so that others like you have a reason too.

You know I see different disorders that people have and I meet them in a chat or in forum and boy, I am really glad I met them. Sometimes I wonder if somehow we are raised to have to feel or look perfect and thats what hurts us. I wonder if all these perfect images we stare at growing up makes it just happen without us knowing it.

There is no way any human can be perfect. But society seems to make us think that there is some way to be perfect. But, its not even society its all the advertising tricks and what will please us. You know that there are actual studies done for packaging that is more pleasing to the eye. Do you know that they can see certain eye movements and actually know what the design of a bottle is going to be more attractive?

I saw that and I couldn't believe it. But see how tricky advertising, packaging and marketing really is? I cant help but think that this is not such a good thing. Did you even know that the pictures of the models in magazines are so touched up that you really don't see what that model really looks like in real life? Even on television they do so much with the people to make them look so much better. I have met some of them in real life and they don't look nearly as good as they do on TV. Not in person, I couldn't believe that what I saw in real life was the same person on TV.

Do you know that at Model shoots these models wear so much makeup you would not believe it. I happen to see it, and it was unreal.

And thats it Geniousjess, ITS NOT REAL. The images in those magazines that you try so hard to see in the mirror? Even those people who's images are taken and used don't look like those magazine pictures. They cannot even stand in front of thier own mirror and see what they see in magazines.

Next time you go outside look at nature, everything that is natural. Look at the trees that are natural, you will see that NOTHING IS PERFECT, NOTHING.
But you know what? Step outside and see how much nothing perfect can be so beautiful. Look at every tree and how each one is different. I prefer the ones that are all crooked myself, the more imperfect the better, I happen to stare at them longer and ponder in amazement.

Tomarrow morning step outside to the imperfect world we live in within Nature. Bet you can't tell me if you look long enough, its really pretty and amazing. Maybe if you stopped looking at you and look at what the world is around you, maybe you might think that it would be better to not try to be perfect that life never expects that, nature doesn't demand that either. Perfect is not natural. Theres no such thing.

Open Eyes[/quotE Sorry but don't think you're referring to me. I'm living the life in recovery. Have been for 6 years now. Think you need to read the first post. Just trying to help someone on here that's all. Nite all

[geniousjess]

avoice-
i didn't mean to cause you alarm. i apologize. it's never my intention to upset anyone. i don't really know what else to say. im sorry.

[avoice]

Originally Posted by geniousjess

avoice-
i didn't mean to cause you alarm. i apologize. it's never my intention to upset anyone. i don't really know what else to say. im sorry.

No worries. I just half to take care of me now best of luck. I'm with you when you decide recovery.

[Open Eyes]

Avoice, I was only pointing out that you were very brave within your recovery to reach out.

I too was trying to reach out to geniousjess with some kind thoughts. Perhaps things to think about that may be helpful.

As I have mentioned, I was learning about this disorder from you by your posts and I was thankful for your explanation.

I am impressed by your stength avoice.