[TwoHandsOneHeart]

I always start doing better with handling my eating disorder, until I enter a relationship. I'm not too sure on the correlation. Maybe it's attention related, I don't know. I thought that, maybe, it was because my relationships used to be horrible. Just sex, lustful and degrading conversations, being cheated on, constant arguing and an endless cycle of lies. However, now I am in one of the best relationships ever, and I mean EVER. I can not believe a guy that's so nice would ever want a girl like me. I don't even deserve him, when I'm with him I feel beautiful and actually HAPPY.

Or... I used to.

I saw him yesterday. I think the buzz of the relationship is wearing off. I'm feeling fat. So disgusting. I'm already starting to lose weight. I sat with him in his car yesterday. I was upset. If I wasn't in front of him, a human being, I would've. I felt disgusting, ugly, hideous, and my mind started digging its own deep, dark ditch. I couldn't resist listening to the voice. I haven't even paid attention to it much for around 5 months. I thought I was better. What's even worse is he KNEW something was wrong, but due to being yelled at for trying to confide in my significant others in the past, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I don't know what it is about relationships that always make me start doing this to myself again..

[kristi4816]

Hi there,
I know exactly what you mean. I have had a history of unhealthy relationships, but all marked by a high in the beginning that I believe should last forever. He should never find fault with me, love me as I am, etc.

In my previous relationship, he thought I was the most beautiful, interesting woman he ever met. 1 year later & he still could not take his eyes off me....

It is like the thing I desire most is a loving, lasting relationship. I don't want to grow old alone. I am 44 & tired of taking care of myself. I see others sharing responsibilities, burdens, etc. The weird thing is although I want this, when I am not in a relationship, I get to a point where I am my most peaceful....

Ok, so what I have begun to realize is that I define myself by my relationships, all of them (friends too), but mostly the significant other one. When one starts up it's like a high that I think should last forever, true love. Then reality sets in. He starts finding fault here & there. He still thinks I am beautiful, but I start perceiving little rejections. I start feeling let down, but mostly that flawed feeling starts returning, that I am worthless, etc. I start to feel ugly & voila!, ED starts up again.

What is the answer? Well, I am in therapy (just started) tyring to figure out who the heck I am. I have such a poor self-image & lack of identity that I let them be determined by those around me. The slightest hint of perceived rejection jabs away at my sense of self-worth. I feel empty & want to fill that & for a short time & he does....for a minute....

What is that saying, everywhere you go, there you are? Kinda the same thing, everyone you're with, there you are.

[TwoHandsOneHeart]

Yeah. I keep on going to talk to my mom about therapy, since I'm only 16 and need her consent. However, I'm scared to, but at the same time I don't want this to be an issue that I deal with all my life. I want to be able to be content. I don't want my self-worth and image to change so much. I'm tired of the cycles. It's like PMS, in a sense. Except, I'm happy and reckless for a week before my self-esteem just goes and implodes in on itself. I often mistake it for being okay, seeing as my self-esteem is boosted x5000.

I really want this relationship to work so I'm trying to be more open. However, I think it's a problem that, even though I'm only 16, I always think I've found the love of my life and that we're going to get married. My current relationship, is like your previous relationship, he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl ever, and he treats me like a princess. However, I believe what threw me in this one, is that he said he doesn't like the concept of marriage (I know that it might seem weird that we were talking about this, but we always talk about the future and life and stuff..). I don't know. I don't even know anymore. I know myself so well, that I kind of gave up on trying to figure anything else out besides what I already know. It gets too confusing.

[kristi4816]

Originally Posted by TwoHandsOneHeart

Yeah. I keep on going to talk to my mom about therapy, since I'm only 16 and need her consent. However, I'm scared to, but at the same time I don't want this to be an issue that I deal with all my life. I want to be able to be content. I don't want my self-worth and image to change so much. I'm tired of the cycles. It's like PMS, in a sense. Except, I'm happy and reckless for a week before my self-esteem just goes and implodes in on itself. I often mistake it for being okay, seeing as my self-esteem is boosted x5000.

I really want this relationship to work so I'm trying to be more open. However, I think it's a problem that, even though I'm only 16, I always think I've found the love of my life and that we're going to get married. My current relationship, is like your previous relationship, he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl ever, and he treats me like a princess. However, I believe what threw me in this one, is that he said he doesn't like the concept of marriage (I know that it might seem weird that we were talking about this, but we always talk about the future and life and stuff..). I don't know. I don't even know anymore. I know myself so well, that I kind of gave up on trying to figure anything else out besides what I already know. It gets too confusing.

Well I think it's great that at 16 you are considering therapy & looking at yourself. I wish I had done that. Although I only really wrote about my previous relationship, now that I am really looking back, I started this back then. I was not clear-headed enough to look at it until recently, a life of alcohol & junk. Anyway, now we are discovering other issues, BP, BPD....Oh I wish I had had a fighting chance back then, but no use crying over it now, is there? Like I've heard, I may not have had a great start, but I can have a great finish.

Anyway, another thing I had thought of, & funny (not like ha ha funny, irony funny) you put the marriage topic, is that I had put that when he started finding little faults here & there it felt like rejection, & this is true, but the other was when I would learn something about him that surprised me or sort of shattered my vision of the fantasy. What I think would happen is yes, I would feel let down, but I then would blame it on myself. "I should have known" or "I am so stupid for letting myself get carried away again", that kind of thing. I mean don't I have a right to actually be disappointed in him? with God? with ? Why am I always beating myself up?

The other part though of this is that I don't let go until much later. It dies that slow death. If we don't agree on a BIG thing, a deal breaker, I just keep it to myself how I really feel, or more like how strongly I feel, beat myself up & go into denial. But of course it resurfaces....Haven't figured out why I do this....cuz no one else will want me? Still in my fantasy about this one? Not sure....

[TwoHandsOneHeart]

I suppose it's good, but I don't know if I'll be able to follow through with it. Getting help means having a problem, and having a problem (to me) means a lack of perfection in my character.

Speaking of rejection and marriage, we got into a tad bit of a fight last night. Oddly enough, because he won't have sex with me. He says he wants the "perfect moment" and I know and understand that, however it also feels a bit like rejection. Since sex is physical, I just feel so.... not good enough. Even though being with him makes me feel more beautiful than anything. It's annoying, I get the kind of relationship I want, and I just can't be happy. He respects me and loves me and wants everything to be perfect and to have meaning, and all I can feel on his decision to wait is rejection..

[kristi4816]

It took me 9 years of being active in my ED before I tried to get "help". Unfortunately my experience back then was seriously lacking (not sure they knew much about this back then) & here I am another 20 years later....I have hope.

Anyway, I am wondering if you looked at it as getting someone else's perspective or something like that. You put you like meeting new people....

I am much the same as you in that imperfection department. I am also a psychology buff (I could probably be given an honorary degree). It took a huge bout of depression like I had never experienced to get me to therapy. I can take the highs. I love the energy, but this depression thing sucked....Anyway, I did alot of research on BP & ended up on BPD. I said "this is it". My T said she didn't see it because of A & B....Well, it is some 5 weeks later & she is now focused on both BP & BPD. I handed her my diagnosis. I am just saying that maybe it could be fun? to take a more active, in depth role in knowing yourself or knowing yourself in a different way? I am very introspective, but I too get confused at times. One of my things is I do my thinking for me as well as everyone else's thinking for them about me. My brain is VERY busy & I like it, but it is exhausting. Anyway, like I stated, it is helpful to just look at it as getting an impartial perspective.

& OMG, don't even get me started on the sex thing with ED. I so want to respect my boyfriend's view, but any hint of being turned down, delayed, let's say he even has a "problem" down below???? sends me into "what's wrong with me" mode. Thank goodness I have never been cheated on!!!! I am not sure I could recover from that. (I pray that I am never be tested in this area....)

[TwoHandsOneHeart]

Yeah. I don't know, I was thinking of going to go and talk to a counselor at school or something, I dooon't knooww.

Quite to my dismay, I have been cheated quite a few times which sent me absolutely REELING. I'm talking self-harm, popping pills, attempted OD, etc etc. Blaaahhh I don't even know what to say. Anyone I've ever confided in has completely a) screwed me over b) we just grew apart or c) I don't want to darken their realm of ignorance and bliss. I'm really at a loss for words right now.

I'm also just in a state of denial. I acknowledge it's a little... not... so good to feel so easily rejected and have such low self-esteem, but I also think I'm fine. I don't know. fsgiydsgzifa My mind is too cluttered at the moment

[kristi4816]

I am so sorry to learn of the cheating....

I am like two people. I feel fine much of the time. I am told I appear to carry myself with confidence. I will often speak up if need be. That kind of thing. But when there is a perceived rejection, especially from a boyfriend, (it also comes into play to a lesser degree with friends, authority figures, not so much the general population), it is like I am stripped of all self-esteem. I actually have been coming to realize how full of it I have been for a loooong time.

I went to see my T for the 1st time. She told me she would call me before our next session to confirm. Well, she didn't call. Then the ruminations started - She must not like me, why would she want to bother anyway?, I don't need her, who needs therapy anyway?, maybe I should call her, but what if she doesn't call me back?, I didn't really like her anyway....well, you get the picture. This went on for hours & then it started up again the next a.m. This is typical & even stronger when it's a boyfriend.

Now when I showed up to the appt., the "old" me (I just started therapy 1 1/2 months ago) wouldn't say anything about it or maybe a casual something like "I wasn't sure if we were meeting since you were going to call me" & of course I would follow that with how I was at fault & should have called her.... This time I actually told her what had happened. All the thoughts, the time spent, the energy....Well, it felt soooo weird & weak, but I'll tell you what, it felt good too. She didn't look at me like I had twenty heads, or call anyone to take me away....She can't help me if I don't tell her about the crazies in my head.

I don't know if you relate to this at all....

There are reasons I do this stuff I am learning. I mean I know about my past, my mother abandoning me when I was 3, the abuse of my step-mother, neglect by my father, on & on, & these defenses serve a very good purpose as a survivor. But I don't have any reason logically to defend myself anymore, but my emotions are so trained, they don't agree. It all has become part of who I am. Low self-esteem = bad choices in boyfriends, or mis-perceptions of their actions/words, so the defenses come in & the cycle continues.

[TwoHandsOneHeart]

I actually can relate a lot to that.

My main worry is that my actions will get worse as I get older, if I actually do have a problem. Right now, I can mostly manage my moods by working out and eating better. However, it also just puts me in one of those really high moods. It makes me feel rather, not fully (proud to say I can still sometimes maintain a sense of logic when it comes to this), invinicible. I do a lot of stupid ****, I fight with a lot of people - because we ALL know I'm the only one that can be right -.-

Granted, I've never been to therapy, but I get the same with jobs. If I don't get a call for an interview it sends me down the same spiral, and they've never even met me! It's like "even on paper I'm not good enough for anything" etc. etc.

And, yeah, there are always reasons. I have rather good intrapersonal skills, or so I've been told. I can usually look within and figure out why I do what I do, if I sit around long enough to think about it, anyways.