eating disorder's daily check in spot

Despite all the stress happening in my life after a really horrible crisis situation, I managed at least two meals a day for two weeks. Now I am back on three, even when it's hard, I am pushing myself. Which hurts a hell of a lot more than it should.

Everything swings on the number. I know it shouldn't, but it does. What plunged me into despair a couple days ago, has lifted me on high today.

Had pizza for lunch and feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack. I'm tempted to just skip dinner, but it's St.Patrick's Day and my Mom probably has something special planned, so I probably won't be allowed too.

Ate 6 Girl Scout cookies (cranberry), didn't purge and still ate dinner

Gr3tta,
First, many many hugs.

I think starting the recovery process is a lot like deciding to have a child. There's never a perfect time to do it ... there's always a complicating factor, whether it's job loss, or not earning "enough", or the house is too small, etc. If you wait for all things to be ready, you'll be too old to have the kid. So what do you do? You get pregnant, hope and pray for the best, and then make it work. As the child grows, so do you. Maybe you earn more, maybe you can tolerate more, maybe you find a supportive friend or group. But for most people, having kids is a rewarding decision.

I think the same goes for recovery. At some point, you have to just do it, even if you want your weight to be lower. Even if you haven't received the "sign." Even if you think you don't deserve it. Because you do, and as the recovery child grows, you'll see that you DO deserve it, and you'll be happy you took that first step, even when you couldn't see the staircase and were terrified of falling into an endless pit.

More hugs

@ShaggyChic1201 - I decided to delete my post. Thank you for taking time to respond, I appreciate it.

Being sick really throws off my meal plans, but I am still giving it a go.

I've been trying to just eat healthy so i don't have to worry about being fat. It's not easy, I hate healthy food but I'm learning to like it.

GenCat: It is the learning to like it that is the hard part. Huge kudos to you for giving it a whirl. Keep up the good work.

As for me, Ana seems farther and farther away. She is getting a smaller and smaller portion of my brain. Do I love my body? Not yet, and yet I have learned to live with it and to like it. Even during a very stressful time, I was able to continue eating. Albeit little bits as my stomach was a hot mess. I have learned to that I don't need to lean on Ana to get through the stress anymore. I have taken back control of my life. It isn't easy work, and with patience and perseverance it is possible. HUGE HUGS to all of you.

Been trying really hard and ate two meals today...and a snack.
I feel a little gross but also proud of myself.
It's been especially hard because of my depression.
Pretty much every friend I have talks about how when they're feeling bad they eat more...
but when I'm in a compromised mood, my body doesn't tell me I'm hungry usually,
and when I have food in front of me, I usually feel sick.
But I've been working on things,
I really have.
Though I think part of the reason I ate as much as I did today was because I forgot to take some medicine I need to be taking.

TRIGGER WARNING

I don't want to get better. I want to let this take over my life.

I feel totally surrounded by people talking about food, weight, calories, dieting, carbs, fat, restaurants, meals.... it feels like a constant assault that i can get no break from.

Today has been a good day. This whole week has been up and down with eating too much and eating too little. I haven't had too many thoughts concerning my calorie intake, which is good. I think today I will be able to eat without feeling too horribly bad about myself, so I'm looking forward to it!

Struggled for 7 years. Finally was on the way to recovery, and even considered myself very much recovered. Working out, eating, putting on muscle to the point where I want to compete for my weight class... And tonight I was out with my girlfriends catching up from college, and for the first time in my entire struggle, I broke down during a meal. In the middle of a restaurant.

I can't relapse. I can't. I can't.

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Things aren't going well in life...smells are making me sick..including food...have no desire to even eat..or really care about life...it all goes together for me

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I just realized I've been cooking and cleaning up meals without ever eating them. I really didnt realize i was doing that.

I do that a lot...i will cook something...eat a few bites while copking then feel full & think...later but later never happens

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I had tunnel vision for the past three days but it cleared today.
Its either going to get a lot worse from now on, or im going to have to start doing something to to make it get better.
But im tired. Ive battled with my head and clawed up from here over and over. If im just going to wind up here again, then whats the point?

Oh God, I am sick of hearing myself repeating the same crap over and over again...I feel fat, I feel grotesque, I feel like a hideous fat freak of nature...I know, I am boring you all, I bore myself too. Boring boring boring...I am repulsive and disgusting and STILL I cannot stop binging or purging....yawn!

Been struggling to get 3 meals in. Sleeping way too much. Bored at home. Can't wait to start school and be productive.

Cant wait for this endless winter to end already! Even though summer is dangerous.
Entering the bargaining zone. I am now a blue light special.

And again........yawn...sorry, but I told you it was boring

There always seems to be a triggering event that starts the anorexia not eating...some horrible stressful event...& I'm living in one again with no resolution in sight...food starts to make me feel sick & i just eat less& less..when there is no will to want to live the quality of life this situation is causing the no quality of life anorexia causes is irrelivent...so who cares at least i will be thin..I'm already invisible to those who can make the difference. I hate that sick feeling the one reason i never used bulimia for weight loss. Just dont care any more

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If I could get my stomach to settle down then I know I would be ok with eating. Today was a bad stomach day and that equates to a bad eating day. Tomorrow will be better.

Damned old ED (Eating Disorder) is still trying to exercise authority and control over me, but ...

I ain't goin' down without a fight!