eating disorder's daily check in spot

I LOVE grilling! I agree, everything tastes so much better on the grill, and following my meal plan is always easier when all the food feels fresh and clean, not full of preservatives, etc. I hope you grill up something tasty for yourself!

A not so good day today. I had a protein bar and some puppy chow. Why do they call it puppy chow? It doesn't look like any puppy chow I've seen before. Tomorrow is a new day.

Not a good day today either for me. Part of me just doesn't care anymore.

After my T found out from my nutritionist that I lost weight, T made me promise to eat dinner every nite this week. I love my T too much to break the promise, so I've been doing it. Not joyfully, but I'm doing it.

I went to the grocery store today. For the first time in a long time, I realized how small my food world is. I bought lots of veggies and fruit, Greek yogurt, almonds and pita chips (already had hummus at home). And I call it good for the week. It's true, I only eat breakfast and dinner at home. Sometimes I'll cook a burger or chicken breast (maybe once a month) and sometimes I'll get an order of Chinese food that will last me 3 days, and sometimes I'll eat my lunch leftovers - but the truth is, I have so many foods on my unsafe list that I'm starting to question my "recovery." I've gone from b/p many times a day to not at all, and I don't obsess about food (as in, I don't think about it unless I'm hungry), but clearly I'm not recovered if I ignore 8/10ths of the store, right?

doing everything right. but urgesurgesurgesurgesurgesurges.
who am I if I'm not restricting?

Finally getting back on track after pretty bad week. But today I've eaten both breakfast and lunch so far, and it's only 1pm, so the timing is about right and "normal".

It's that time of day....do I or don't....if I am trying to recover, should I eat? Or am I trying to control the scale? I forget what I am fighting for. I wish someone or something would just take me in their arms and tell me I deserve to eat and keep it in. That I don't need to punish myself over a number....blah. It just never goes away.

going to see T...worried that I will be going to the hosptial tonight. but I kinda think that's where it's headed. my BIGGEST fear of hospital -- they will make me eat. bleh

I can relate to this in a way. For me it's, well, if I was really in recovery would I be so adamant about not being able to give certain things up? Part of me is like, well, if ain't broke don't fix it. I'm in a delicate balance and I go for long periods of the day without thinking about it. But at the same time...if I don't have the stuff at home to make exactly what I want, I freak out and don't want to eat. I get downright pissed about it actually. And most of the time I want to eat out, and we don't have the money, and I try to passive aggressively manipulate my partner into taking me out when I really really want to go. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And even when it does work I end up feeling like **** because I know we can't afford it and feeling guilty because I don't want to do that to people. That's how I used to behave in my addiction. Obviously I'm still behaving like that now.
At the same time I'm trying not to beat myself up and remember that I've had an ED my whole life so why would I expect it to be different overnight? Recovery is so difficult. Argh. I'm still b/p/overeating free though. But I've stopped exercising, which I really love to do, and become really lazy. And I worry about getting into that trap because I'm worried that sitting around the house all the time like I've been doing is going to trigger me to want to overeat more, and also because I have noticed pain in my body that prevents me from doing more strenuous exercise that I would like to do and the only way for me to combat that is to work at it consistently. The first few months were fine but I fell apart around the time I fired my psychiatrist. Not because I fired her, but because she triggered me and now I have been spiralling and losing sight of everything that's important to me.
Anyway. Sorry for the novella. I hope you all are doing okay. I admire everyone here for caring, for trying, for feeling, for sharing.

Not having a good week emotionally or ED wise. Been having sui thoughts again that won't go away unless I am sleeping, which I can't do. Ana of course is practically shouting at me not to eat. What do I do? Restrict. I had a protein bar and some dinner today. Tomorrow is a new day.

Not good. Very bloated today from IBS, which has been very triggering for ED. Weighed myself - huge mistake. Really struggled to eat anything today. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

Been a rough month for me and a lot of stress , Was doing better but slowly sliding back into old habits and don't even care. Reached out for help was getting better and now they no longer take my insurance. So once again alone I guess its easer this way.

I've eaten today, but not enjoyed it. Just done it because I knew I had to. Saw both my nutritionist and my T, and neither were very happy with how I've been the past week. Oh well. I'm trying to get back on track.

SDRL - T and N might have wanted you to be doing better because they care for you - but they know and expect there to be many ups and downs in the early stages of recovery. The ups and downs both offer important lessons and are therefore critical to recovery. Try not to read judgment on their part. (((hugs))))

Today I am avoiding mirrors...today I am avoiding mirrors..today I am avoiding mirrors....

Good luck with that.

Broke down and bought a scale last night...it had been about a month since I last weighed myself and not knowing was killing me!! Thank God the number hasn't gone up since I last knew...in fact, it's gone down. Didn't do very well yesterday, did better today...but still not so good...

Not really sure where I'm at anymore. I felt really strong for a few months. I don't really have the urge to binge or purge or anything like that. Well I did today a little, but nothing overwhelming. But I've been restricting. I can't stop myself, it seems so natural. I feel like something happens and I don't get my way and I retaliate by starving myself. If I don't like what the food choices are I won't eat. But I'll be pissed that I'm not eating. It's now almost 8 pm and all I've had today is breakfast and a small bowl of curry, and a bowl of pudding. I know I'm not getting near enough calories to fuel my body at my current weight yet when I do eat enough I feel like I'm overeating.
I am so tired of this.
Also my MH is totally down the tubes right now and I can't leave the house and I feel stircrazy and restless and I'm freaking out and how I used to handle this is by eating but I'm not doing that anymore so I just feel like I'm going crazy. Almost just went to the hospital the last two days because I was so hysterical about it. Feel like I'm losing my freaking mind.

spondiferous: I understand what you are saying. My MH hasn't been too good lately and Ana has been getting louder. I have started skipping meals again, which I know isn't good. Hopefully this med change will help. I know I need to contact my dietician and let her know that I've been skipping more regularly, but I don't want to go back to every other week. Maybe I will call her tomorrow and let her know what's been going on.

Today I managed to eat a muffin, a turkey sandwich and a well-balanced dinner; so it was a good day. Tomorrow is a new day.

My T sent me this. No pressure to sign up. I emailed them asking if it was for people with Bulimia. They have not responded yet.

THE NO-DIET WEEKEND WORKSHOP
Repair Your Relationship with Food and Your Body
with Therapist & Educator
September 27 – 29, 2013

This experiential workshop, held in a serene, natural setting, is a supportive opportunity to rediscover what you innately know -- when, what and how much to eat. You will learn mindful-eating skills for recognizing hunger and fullness, distinguishing between nutritional and emotional hunger, and learn to feed yourself with greater ease and enjoyment.

 You will learn to trust your body’s innate ability to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’ve have had enough.

 You will learn to enjoy eating with greater awareness, confidence and pleasure.

 In addition to learning the difference between nutritional and emotional hunger, you will learn how to nourish yourself without deprivation.

 You will reach a deeper understanding of why you stuff your feelings with food as well as how to develop compassionate alternatives.

Time: Fri., 6:30–9:30 p.m.; Sat., 9 a.m.–4 p.m.; Sun., 9 a.m.–3 p.m.
Cost: $320, plus $50 audio companion

This can't hurt if you are interested in this sort of thing- Not sure it can deliver on all it claims,
but doesn't sound triggering. Also, I think it's cool
Your T thinks of you enough to send this out

Haven't eaten since yesterday, smoking too many cigarettes, and trying convince myself I am worth...food? A life? I have a host of medical symptoms that my T and I agree do nothing to scare me into recovery. But I showed up for lots and lots of therapy this week, so I suppose that still counts for something.

Wanting warm comforting things lately due to my utter insanity. Worrying that it's going to take me back into my eating disorder but I promised myself that I was going to try not to obsess about it. So this is me. Not obsessing about it.

Hang in there! This to shall pass.......so I keep telling myself when I am triggered.

Well I did a phone intake with the therapist who runs the weekend. I think screwed up and painted myself in a bad light. She is not sure if she is going to accept me and wants to get some more insight and talk to my therapist. Damn. That would be the second one I would not be accepted into.