eating disorder's daily check in spot

A so-so day. Ate breakfast and dinner...no lunch...I was out and it just didn't cross my mind.

@Joker_girl.......I'm growing the chives in my herb garden for your baked potato. First meal I BBQ'ed on my new BBQ was a bacon wrapped fillet....just the right size for me.....& BBQ'ed corn on the cob done in the husks. I know what you mean about the craving for that steak.

I struggle however because I will make the main part of the meal, then work on the veggies & a side & end up eating one part at a time & getting too full to eat the whole dinner...so.....usually eat veggies at one time, main course some other time...& then ICE CREAM most any time I feel like eating something cold & refreshing to enjoy.

There is just no way of getting 3 full meals eaten in one day for me. I figure I will NEVER eat normally. Even when I eat out I can't eat the whole meal & usually keep what can easily become a left over & eat what can't.

Stress & dealing with divorce is taking it's toll......I know why I couldn't deal with the divorce after loosing Destiny & Celia overload in the area of stress & grief would have been even worse than it was.....glad I was wise enough to not be pushed into doing anything until I'm finally feeling a bit stronger emotionally. It's hard to be aware of the emotions

I had lunch and dinner and two gluten-free butterscotch cookies for a snack. Tomorrow will be a better day.

made myself a recovery meal plan. I always get so excited, editing my spreadsheet calculations for optimal macronutrient distribution. the hard part, of course, is following it. we shall see. today, so far so good.

I don't eat normal & I don't eat meals at normal times UGH....I ate last night's dinner for brunch today.......I had a chicken thigh that I cut off the whole chicken I used for making my yummy chicken salad with grapes & pecans & a little curry spice.....didn't want to use the whole chicken for the salad so I cut off parts & froze them for quick fixing meals......a little green beans & potatoes & red peppers that I added a touch of sorgum to, a few left over sweet potato fries & a small dish of coffee ice cream.

Now I'm going out to mow the field....needed energy for doing the yard work but need to get something accomplished today.

Just looked at the duck I got at the grocery store this last time....it says it can be heated on the grill.....so I think that's going to be tomorrow's dinner with the fresh corn & got the other day at our local store. Wonder if the corn I'm trying to grow will really end up being real corn or if I'm just watering the stalks & the tassles for the fun of gardening.

Today was a better day. I had breakfast, lunch and dinner. Now I just need to work on drinking more fluids. I just don't drink them like I am supposed to. I can go all day with less than a cup of water to drink. On other days, I drink 2 32oz iced teas. I do eat a lot of fruit though. Tomorrow is a new day.

Today was an okay day. Had a smoothie and a little granola and PB for breakfast, crackers and hummus and cheese and turkey for lunch, and am having sausage and I suppose some greens even though I really don't want them.

:butterfly......I'm am constantly drinking....I have one of those huge Bubba mugs I got from Walmart I fill with ice....sometimes I brew some herbal tea & pour it over the ice, or most times just the filtered water that comes out of my refrig.

What a team......I drink & don't eat....you eat & don't drink....put us together & we have the PERFECT person.....it is hard to be able to get everything right.....I don't think even non-ED people really do it right all the time IMO.

I've been pretty bad the last 2 days (yesterday and today)...didn't eat much but donuts yesterday, and today was just breakfast and lunch...just too busy and too stressed...

I have been binge eating again. For most of July I would eat an entire angel food cake in a day. At least it was fat free. But earlier this week I bought a graham cracker pie and ate half of it. Then the rest later that day. Yesterday... another graham cracker pie all eaten in less than twelve hours. I've gotta stop doing this.

For the first time in 19 months, I know what I weigh (as of Sunday).

Full range of emotions.

First, elation. Wow! I don't weigh as much as I thought I did.

Then, the ED voice. If you stopped eating now, you'd weigh even less by the time you go see the nutritionist on Thursday. She'd ask if everything was ok, and you could tell her, "no - everything is not ok" and she'd feel bad for you and give you TLC.

Then I thought, I better check it tomorrow. What if I gained weight overnight?

And when I was about to step on scale next day, I remembered, "STOP! You don't do this. This isn't who you are anymore. If you want to talk to nutritionist about how you're not okay, just TALK TO NUTRITIONIST. You don't have to make it be about weight and food. It's ok to just want and ask for TLC."

So I walked away from scale. And I will go back to not knowing what I weight. I'm not ready for that info yet.

Bub

Wow, I relate to that.....back after I had gone through the trauma & was feeling so sick I couldn't eat & my weight just kept dropping & dropping & dropping.....& a lot of what I also needed was validation for what I had gone through & someone to care after going through the trauma & loosing my mother to the cancer. I had given those last few months completely to my mother & landed in the middle of the trauma with the home care person......all I wanted was someone to care about me & how I was doing......lightbulb moment here.....being in the medical hospital gave me the physical care I couldn't give myself.....but the psychological care was completely missing.

@ Yoda I cut up fresh strawberries & put it in the gram cracker crust & they spoon the strawberry rubarb sauce over it.....makes a yummy pie....but I either eat it all within the day or it's usually spoiled if I don't.....so I justify my eating the pie because I don't want it to spoil....it's tough living alone & not having anyone else help eat the food before it spoils (that's my excuse & I'll stand with it....lol)..........while most of the time I don't eat unless I have something I don't want to end up spoiling especially when it comes to fruit.

Sometimes fruit causes other problems with my digestion & end up needing the bathroom close by & that usually takes care of any weight gain that might have occurred.......this problem is something that happens all too often after my last experience with the anorexia.....not eating then eating my system doesn't know how to react.

I can end up getting so distracted around my house that all my good intentions to eat fly out the window......& it's the next day & I realize that I didn't eat anything & my body didn't even tell me it's hungry.....maybe I need to eat every time I feed my dogs.....even though that's not at a set time every day.....they are more grangers so there is usually always food they are eating on....but when I feed them it would be a good time to make sure I feed myself.....that would at least insure one meal a day.

I've been without a scale for 2 weeks and it's killing me! I'm all about the numbers, so I know that not having a scale is a good thing for me, but at the same time, it makes me think about my weight even more which sucks.

Today I was really good...Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. And it's only 7:40pm, so there may be another snack later.

I am new to this and this is the first time I am openly talking about this. I suffered from depression for years and it resulted in becoming a classified binge drinker and a night if insane amount of alcohol and a suicide attempt. I had always had an issue with the way I looked even when I knew I was very fit. I had always felt I could be better. After the suicide attempt (scared me sober and gave me a new perspective on life I started taking care of myself) I felt great. I am very positive and always have a smile. I can conceal my true emotions better than my makeup can cover small blemishes. I was never the one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. Anyway, I had a baby 4 months ago. Before I gave birth I knew that I was going to "diet" in order to feel comfortable in a bikini. I feel like I look great but I cannot seem to get the guilt off my back every time food touches my lips. It doesn't even matter how much I eat...I make sure it is gone soon after. I have been hiding this for months now and no one knows...at least no one has mentioned it. I do not eat in from of people unless I feel like if I don't it will be obvious. I am ashamed both when I eat and induce vomiting and when I do not eat. If I put something in my mouth and look in the mirror, I can see the fat instantly. I do not weight myself but I know I have lost weight. I have dropped 3 pant sizes in 2 1/2 months. Another bad thing is I kind of enjoy when I have hunger pains I have children and want to be healthy but I wonder if I ever will be. Not just with my eating habits but with my emotional issues and fear of abandonment. I do not feel depressed, in fact I love who I am personality wise. I just need advice...if anyone is willing to help me, guide me anything. Thank you.

had a good breakfast.

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Well i'm trying i guess imagine that?

Had a really delicious dinner yesterday.....I bought this already cooked duck that you can heat on the BBQ with orange sauce......& fresh corn on the cob....it tasted soooooo good, but was much to rich for my digestion.....so while I enjoyed it immensely, I ended up not feeling so good after eating it. Who needs laxitives when foods work the same way????

Going to have a couple of pieces of toasted french toast (the frozen kind you just throw in the toaster oven) & some REAL butter & REAL maple syrup.......

Supposed to go to a pot luck lunch swim party today but it's gloomy & rainy......can bypass the swimming but will be fun getting together with friends......strangest weather we've been having this year we've only had 3 days with temps over 90, lots of rain & in the 70's low 80's.....which is good because HOT weather takes away my appetite also when it's already a struggle.......think I'm going to make the pumpkin mac & cheese casserole with sage that tastes so good....made with my own fresh grown sage.

Today is okay. My mind is numb so I'm not thinking about anything negative. Not thinking much at all. I'm overrating, I think. I'm not sure what's normal now.

I am I think in some crossroad here. For the the 1st time this afternoon I realize why I am so tired in the afternoons. I had what I thought was a normal lunch. Maybe it is not normal for me? It was to heavy and I felt it as it digested. So that is the start of me putting myself down saying I had no will of any sort. I am good at that! But that one second connection I realized I needed to make changes. Small changes one I can live with. I talked to a friend for the 1st time about some issues I have and he listened. How nice. So today was pretty good!

I microwaved a Marie Callender's Creamy Parmesan Chicken Pot Pie as I was getting ready to leave for Bible study....got about 1/2 of it eaten before I flew out the door.........came home & eating the rest. That brought back memories that I always ate like that. I would eat a few bites & then go off to do what I was usually late for in the first place.....when I get done, sometimes I come back & finish eating or I'm too tired or get distracted on something else. Food never had a priority in my life.....still doesn't. I like good tasting food....like the duck the other day I really enjoyed the flavor of. But most food is just a necessary evil.....even the good recipes I look up end up not tasting that good when I sit down to eat. It hit me the other day is that there's all this anticipation in the preparation of dinner....but when it comes time to eat....blah. It's not that I don't like eating alone because I really do....the freedom of eating what & when I want is wonderful....but in reality....eating itself is just a drag including the gourmet cooking I enjoy doing

I am in a good enough mood, but I'm awfully hungry.

Yesterday, I went hungry most of the day, I do no know why, but when my husband got up, I told him I had eaten breakfast. We got busy and skipped lunch, when he remembered he made a sandwich but I said I would eat in a bit and didn't.

For supper he made baked potatoes, grilled steak, and corn, and he got the best of me. The day before I went downstairs to "put stuff away" when he cooked. But he brought in those steaks, and it had been thirty or forty hours since I'd eaten, and before I knew it, I had eaten a small-medium sized steak, a baked potato WITH butter and sour cream, and some corn. God, it was delicious, and my stomach was like, "OMG.......food!! Thank you! Thank you!"

I immediately regretted it, because I got full, and I felt bloated, and I KNEW my stomach would get stretched out and I would be starving today.

And of course, I am. My stomach has been growling for hours and I can't stop thinking about eating.

Any time I get too full, the next day or two I'm very hungry. So I tend to avoid it.

I often think that if I'm being gentle on myself it's a sign of weakness and what I really need is to toughen up and stop being a sissy about it. I feel like I'm taking the 'easy way out' even though I know that the hardest thing for me is to take it easy on myself and relax.
My ED doctor told me the other day that I've dropped 8kg in the month and a half since she saw me last, which doesn't seem possible to me but there you have it.
I am still not indulging in ED behaviors. Almost 4 months now. Seems unreal. Sometimes I panic. Can I really do this? Doesn't seem possible.
But I am. So how impossible can it be.
Keep going everyone, we can do this.

I headed out to my lawyer's office at 10am....didn't have time to eat...ended up getting there a little late on top of it...I am not a morning person......then immediately went to the grocery store to do my monthly shopping, get gas for my truck.....I got a small chocolate donut out of the bag while I was shopping in order to have something to eat & opened the bag of sweet potato chips on the way home. I'm making some dark chocolate covered strawberries to take to my friend's tonight we are getting together for dinner & cards......so will eat then.....& had an ice cream bar while I was putting them in the freezer.

It's not much......my weight can be all over the place up & down within a few days......& really bad when I end up having problems with the digestion thing after not eating for a little while. I don't ever remember having a normal eating life......even growing up......so why would I expect it from myself now????

wonder if you mind me joining in on this post too...things have not been good for me lately.

saw T after not seeing her for about a month and she was very concerned about the past week or so (and the past three weeks -- because I was purging a lot more -- was on vacation with friends)...but since being home it's back to the starvation/restriction...with one HORRIBLE day of purging.

today...not good with eating...can't bring myself to eat...struggling so much.

I have done better today about eating. I had cereal for breakfast. I did not eat the day before I don't think. We were meeting friends for lunch, and I was feeling very fat. Nothing looked even sort of good so I wore sweats. I felt really disgusted and full of self-loathing, as well as frustrated, because I have been eating so little, and I felt I ought to be thinner.

I feel when I am fat, like people are repulsed by me, and think I'm a disgusting sow with no willpower. I don't know why, because I don't think that when I see someone fat....well, up to a point. There is a lady in town who is really, really fat, like three of me probably, and she is very nice, and I like her, but she smells bad, like BO and pee, and it freaks me out. I usually avoid her, and then I feel bad, because she IS nice. But like people who are fat, but not crazy fat....I don't really even notice it. My husband is not fat, but he is big kind of, and tall, and it isn't something that I really care that much about....unless the fat is on ME. Then, it's gross.

I can't even stand to see myself in a mirror naked. My thighs and butt are big, I have cellulite, and I have a gut kind of. My lower stomach is fat. My arms are kind of fat. The last time I got really skinny, I lost weight in weird places. My feet and hands were skeletal....my ribs stuck out, and my hipbones and shoulder blades. But I still had a big butt, and cellulite.

I wonder if constantly starving myself for twenty plus years has fried my metabolism. To where even just a little food will make me gain weight. The last couple of months, I've literally been refusing to eat 90% of the time, and I'm thinner, but....nowhere near where I would expect.

I've eaten well today, though.....cereal, milk, two slices of pizza and a salad for lunch. Of course, that was seven hours ago, and already I am beginning to feel my stomach, and I'm going to eat before I change my mind about it. I didn't do well with it this past week, several days I've eaten nothing or almost nothing, it is miserable but in some ways being hungry is so familiar and comforting.