feeling stuck. hopeless

ive been seeing a therapist for a few months now for my ED- thing is I can only afford to see her every 2 weeks but I guess its better than nothing. I have an appt tomorrow and I have been feeling so hopeless these past 2 weeks. I like my T, I think she understands me and I dont think switching T's is what I need to do but I just feel like quitting; quitting therapy and quitting trying to recover. My body disgusts me, I have nothing to say to my T tomorrow, the only thing thats going through my brain is I hate myself and I hate my body. I feel like a shallow, 1 dimensional person. I don't have anything to say to her or anyone. I just hate myself and my body and I want to give up and quit.

The last session we had was just so useless, she tried hard to ask the right questions to get me talking but I just sat there because it feels like my brain is always in a fog, I couldn't even think straight and I coudln't come up with ANYTHING TO SAY.
what am I doing wrong??? sorry if this just is all rambling I'm just so lost and confused right now. Im sick of wasting my money and both of our time in therapy that is going no where. what do i even do next

I wish I had advice for you, I am in the same boat. Even considered emailing mine to quit counseling as I think the ED fights the counselor all the time. I would welcome any advice anyone has for you. Perhaps you could tell her what you feel, might help open things up a bit. Therapy has not helped me, except make me lie to the therapist because I'm afraid of change and discomfort of getting better.

Sorry you are going through the same thing. Tbh this is also my second time In therapy- I quit once before because I couldn't take it and felt like I'd never get better. I don't want to quit again! But like you said I've begun lying to my therapist because its just so hard to change. I don't know what the answer is. Ill see how the appt goes tomorrow and let you know if anything gets better. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk

I dont think every 2 weeks is remotely enough therapy to touch an eating disorder. Of course you would feel stuck and as though you aren't progressing (I can feel that way too and I see my Ed therapist a few times a week). You need to address this your T and see what the two of you can change up....a good t will help you
work through it. I would look at adding a support group or seeing if you can increase the contact w/ your T.

I hope your appointment went ok. Just so you know, I think we are similar after I read some of your posts, I too restrict all day and b/p - the therapist keeps repeating "anorexia" to me during therapy - though the diagnosis is really irrevlavent overall.

I am in my later 30's now, when I was 25, I seen a non-ed therapist, and she was the best therapist I ever had, I opened up to her, cried, got angry, was able to be honest, and she emailed, called me, set goals (and remembered them), and really pushed me to eat when I wasn't even as underweight as I am now with my new therapist. She really showed that she herself wanted me to be "healthy" versus just gaining weight (what I feel like the therapist now wants). She set me up with a nutritionist, we talked about everything under the sun and she shared enough of her personal life to connect with me (without really trying).

The new therapist I am seeing (now 10 years later) is training to be an ED - specialist - I really think she has no concept of what secrecy this disorder has, and how it plays with our head like it does.

I am going to be honest I think with mine and tell her everything the next session - and really talk with her about whether I should/should not continue therapy with her. I am afraid to be alone with this disorder and not have someone monitor me even a little.

I think it is important to stay in therapy - but perhaps you could also look for someone else at the same time, just explore...and maybe ask for a first "free" appointment or short meeting to see if you connect. It's your $ and time, and I think (for myself too as I'm experiencing it), that someone who doesn't know the deepest parts of the eating disorders can say/do things (or not do things) to keep us trapped or get worse when our true selves want help.

I was also going to suggest something aside from therapy. Is there something that you really really love to do, that's not connected to the ed? I found recently that I started a casual sport- I had no idea how much I loved it as I used to play in high school and had not played in at least 15 years. Starting this up again helps me disconnect from the eating disorder at least for a short time and re-connect with myself, and it is low impact.

hi. When I read your post it reminded me of what a healing teacher once told me. She told me to beware of resistance once i start a new healing class which I was going to be doing. Because it is sure to come up. The important thing is to not give in to the resistance. Its the part of each one of us that will most likely come up. But the warning was to just stay the course. Do not let the negative thoughts etc make decisions for me.

I listened to her. And I had to fight with all my might to stay. To not give up no matter what. There is a reason why you are not talking. Its probably a very important reason. Perhaps you can respect that you cannot talk. And try to work on that first. For me, years ago, I was afraid to talk because I was constantly warned by my mother and others never to talk. it was the law. So if I talked I knew I would go into terror. I ended up resolving this issue. But it wasnt easy. It was totally worth it though. I got released from the prison of silence. I am not saying your reason for not being able to talk is the same as mine. But i am saying its as real as mine is. And I hope you can respect that it is real. I hope you will stay in therapy, one way or another, with someone. Please allow yourself as much time as needed, and compassion to work through the issues that keep you silent or mute when you are there.

@sunny*1
Your first T sounds amazing- just what I would like to have. I like my current T..I just don't know what to do. She really does understand what I'm going through and she often verbalizes things I wasn't able to put into words. It took me years to work up the courage to call her I don't know if I have it in me to find someone else but you're right it is my time and my money. I think Im just resistant right now because ED is so strong and loud
and yes finding a hobby or something to connect with is such a good suggestion, I know I need something like that to help me get out of my thoughts and realize there is more to me and life than this ED. thanks

@sunsetsunrise-- thank you for this, seriously. helped me to think about the fact that of course there is going to be resistance and well I dont quite know how to put it into words but I think I'll save this and read it when I'm feeling the negativity and discouragement and wanting to quit. just thanks