My ED is getting out of hand

I purged yesterday. I haven't done that before.

I emailed my T. Said I feel I'm at a crossroads where I ask for help or let this thing take me over.

Now feel very scared and ashamed.

It is hard to ask for help , especially when the ED takes control and tries to tell us to keep going with the disordered behaviors. I think it is great that you reached out to your T! You should be very proud of yourself for that and it is natural to be scared. I opened up a lot to my T yesterday about my ED and what I've been doing and that was very scary but I felt a lot better after. I'm still scared because the behaviors continue but I know I need to keep being honest and talk about it with my T. Fighting an ED is not an overnight process even though I wish it were. I hope you will not be too hard on yourself and that you will keep reaching out to your T for help no matter how scared you are. They are there to help us!

I am so sorry to hear this, TR. Not because it's a 'bad' thing to do, but because i know how painful (emotional and physical) it is.
please don't feel ashamed, you made a positive step by contacting your T and i am sure he will help you work through it.

You are right, you are at a bit of a crossroads, but the fact that you told your T and are reaching out on this forum for support are both brilliantly positive signs that you are headed in the right direction.

(((TR))).

Thank you for your replies. I'm afraid the fact I told him is bad. Attention-seeking. All that faulty thinking type stuff. Reaching out on here is bad. If I really had problems I wouldn't be so shameful as to talk about them - so says my brain.

I keep telling myself I don't have an ED as I don't think about food all the time and I would if I did.

But I don't think about it, and I restrict, so... yeah.

Telling your T things that need to be said is not attention seeking or 'bad'. You purged so yes you have at the very least a distorted eating pattern and your T does need to know this. talking about it has been horribly difficult for you or you wouldn't be beating yourself up about it.

My purging is down to once a week and I feel like it is no big deal and I can live with that. Is it normal........is suppose not but so what. If I am ok with it than it is not a problem. The only time it will cause me guilt is if I get caught.

I disagree and do not think this is healthy advice, sorry.

I am not giving any advice I am stating my opinion. This is the place I am at in this moment.

That's fair enough, but remember this is an internet forum. I for one can take other people's self-justifications as reasons to justify my own unhealthy behaviour so I do think you need to be a bit careful - don't mean to seem like I'm attacking you, sorry.

hey tinyrabbit, I think you are amazing to be reaching out. From what I read, I think you show great clarity of thought when it comes to how you think things should be. I agree with your t that you are at a crossroads. I think that all people who start something like purging have a window of opportunity where they can stop. After that it is so much harder to stop. The brain becomes effected when it goes on longer.

I think you are one smart cookie. Even though its so much harder to apply that smart thinking to oneself ( dont I know that !!). The denial. But it does get worse as time goes on. Thats why i hope you will not get in deeper with the purging. And make the decision to stop before it gets worse. BTW, you are not attention seeking. And telling your T was a very wise thing to do.

Thanks sunsetsunrise. The problem is I am logical and rational in thought, but not in emotions and deed, you know?

I want to have children sometime soon. I'm already upset to have delayed it while loads of stuff comes out in T. If I let my ED get worse and worse, I'm going to make it harder and have to put it off for longer.

Thank you for saying I'm smart, I really appreciate it. I just wish I could listen to myself more...!

yes I totally get it. There is the reason self. The self that knows. And then there is the part of the self that is effected by the ed. And that part is not always on board with the constructive thinking. I honestly think of that part as the ed. Its the part of my mind that's effected.

The desire to have a child may end up helping you to fight this ed. And to win. The voice/thoughts of the ed is not who I am. Although it will take me over if I let it. The great deceiver. That's what I call it.