[NoddaProbBob]

About a month ago I told a friend of mine that I was struggling with ED stuff. Last night we were having a conversation due to some conflict, and she mentioned that she had been distancing herself from me. I had noticed this but didn't have the opportunity to speak with her about it.
The distance was partly due to stuff that she had been struggling with but as we were having this conversation, she brought up the ED. She was visibly angry and frustrated. She said that she cared about me, but that I was playing with fire and that I was going to be severely burned. She said that she cannot care about me more than I care about myself. She also told me that I have so much going for me and that I'm throwing it all away. And that I haven't done enough to try and fight. She's frustrated and just wants to shake me and punch me in the face and basically knock some sense into me. These were her words, not that she would ever do that, this is just a reflection of her personality.

I acknowledged that she was right, that I wasn't doing enough to work on things. I definitely could do more. It's just not simple. And it's hard. But I'm not sure how to feel after this conversation. Some part of me interprets her strong reaction as an indication of her caring about me and wanting me to be healthy. But some part of me also thinks that perhaps she went about this conversation in an inappropriate way. I don't know...

But as I'm sitting here thinking about it and writing this post, there is a part of me that feels so guilty. And mad at myself. There is a reason why I choose not to tell people about what I'm struggling with. To be honest, I feel like I shouldn't have told her. I feel like I put too much on her by telling her. It's clearly affected her and I feel extremely guilty. And maybe embarassed or ashamed.

Then again, there's a part of me that's hurt and mad that she approached the conversation that way...I'm torn I suppose...

Has anyone had any experience like this? I was going to see my T today but she cancelled, so I'm just trying to figure this out.

Thanks

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi NoddaProbBob

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with your ED.

And that your friend distanced hereself from you.

I think that our friends can find it difficult to help us if they don't know what to do.

Your friend is concerned about you because she cares about you.

I think that when she said that she can't care about you any more than you care about yourself she really wants you to get well.

Remember that regardless of whether or not your friend went about the approach the appropriate way - she is still your friend and she still cares about you.

Having an ED does come with a degree of guilt, it does. There are so many emotions involved that come into play here. And guilt would be one of them. Anger at telling her, this I do understand. Personally I even regret some of the things that I tell others.

Remember that there is no "right" way for your friend to have approached this.

She is your friend.

She cares about you.

She really does.

Please hang in there.

[Slowlydyinxg]

I don't really know if it's the same but when I told my mum about my eating issues she would call it childish and stupid and told me about all of the risks like never being able to have kids, being really sick and even death. I already knew about all the risks, I read about eating disorders a lot. She just doesn't understand, she thinks I chose this.

About your friend... I understand her reaction and her being worried but I agree with you, she could've acted differently.

[pinkflower17]

Originally Posted by NoddaProbBob

About a month ago I told a friend of mine that I was struggling with ED stuff. Last night we were having a conversation due to some conflict, and she mentioned that she had been distancing herself from me. I had noticed this but didn't have the opportunity to speak with her about it.
The distance was partly due to stuff that she had been struggling with but as we were having this conversation, she brought up the ED. She was visibly angry and frustrated. She said that she cared about me, but that I was playing with fire and that I was going to be severely burned. She said that she cannot care about me more than I care about myself. She also told me that I have so much going for me and that I'm throwing it all away. And that I haven't done enough to try and fight. She's frustrated and just wants to shake me and punch me in the face and basically knock some sense into me. These were her words, not that she would ever do that, this is just a reflection of her personality.

I acknowledged that she was right, that I wasn't doing enough to work on things. I definitely could do more. It's just not simple. And it's hard. But I'm not sure how to feel after this conversation. Some part of me interprets her strong reaction as an indication of her caring about me and wanting me to be healthy. But some part of me also thinks that perhaps she went about this conversation in an inappropriate way. I don't know...

But as I'm sitting here thinking about it and writing this post, there is a part of me that feels so guilty. And mad at myself. There is a reason why I choose not to tell people about what I'm struggling with. To be honest, I feel like I shouldn't have told her. I feel like I put too much on her by telling her. It's clearly affected her and I feel extremely guilty. And maybe embarassed or ashamed.

Then again, there's a part of me that's hurt and mad that she approached the conversation that way...I'm torn I suppose...

Has anyone had any experience like this? I was going to see my T today but she cancelled, so I'm just trying to figure this out.

Thanks

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to admit you have a problem and then to basically have it thrown back in your face...well, that sucks. I'm sure that wasn't the reaction you were looking for. I had a lot of my friends kind of 'leave" me when I first started really struggling and had my first Inpatient hospitalization. There were some who stuck around, and I think it's times like this you find out who your true friends really are. It was really hard though. Some of them, I thought I'd be friends with for life. A lot of them distanced themselves because, they told me later, they were sure I was going to die and didn't want to put themselves through the pain of losing me. I don't know if that's playing a factor.
Your friend is probably just frustrated and scared and doesn't know what to do. Neda Communications, Inc. ? neda.com has a lot of good resources for friends and family members. Maybe suggest she take a look at that?
It its hard to seek help and conquer these demons and it really does sound like she could have approached it better. Could you have a conversation with her about this? Something along the lines of "I appreciate your concern, I want to get better, but that's not the best way to help me right now, here are some resources if you're interested and I'd really appreciate your support in overcoming this"? Or something like that.
Having everything going for you doesn't have a damn thing to do with struggling with an eating disorder and it really bothers me when people assume that. I'm a doctor, when I was at my sickest, I was engaged, pregnant, had tons of friends and it should have been the happiest time of my life. Then, partially due to the eating disorder, I had a 32 week stillbirth, my engagement broke up a few months ago and like I mentioned previously, my friends slowly started distancing themselves. And I was isolating a lot at the time, so some of that I'm sure was partially me.
Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist/physician/nutritionist right now? Any kind of treatment team? Going to any kind of support groups? Maybe you could start small and show her you're willing to make changes, it's just going to be a long, slow process. The average (average) recovery from anorexia is 5-7 years and approx. 3-5 for bulimia. It's probably not going to change overnight.
I'm sorry you're going through all this and I hope some of these suggestions help. Please feel free to PM me anytime. I'd love to help in anyway I can. I feel like I've been in your shoes more than once. I totally get it.
Take care.

[pinkflower17]

I'm sorry, I obviously haven't figured out how to post links. If you google NEDA, you'll find a bunch of resources for friends and family. It should give you their site as one of the top 5 or so.

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Hi NoddaProbBob

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with your ED.

And that your friend distanced hereself from you.

I think that our friends can find it difficult to help us if they don't know what to do.

Your friend is concerned about you because she cares about you.

I think that when she said that she can't care about you any more than you care about yourself she really wants you to get well.

Remember that regardless of whether or not your friend went about the approach the appropriate way - she is still your friend and she still cares about you.

Having an ED does come with a degree of guilt, it does. There are so many emotions involved that come into play here. And guilt would be one of them. Anger at telling her, this I do understand. Personally I even regret some of the things that I tell others.

Remember that there is no "right" way for your friend to have approached this.

She is your friend.

She cares about you.

She really does.

Please hang in there.

I think her strong reaction is an indicator that she does care...it was the strong desire to want me to fix this and do something about it right now. I have always struggled with ED thoughts, but the behaviors weren't present until just about a year ago. This is fairly new for me. I'm still learning how to navigate it and figure out what it means in my life...

I just feel like she could have approached it in a different way. I felt like she was demanding that I automatically get better and do something right this instant...If I've learned anything, it's that it doesn't work that way...at all.

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by Slowlydyinxg

I don't really know if it's the same but when I told my mum about my eating issues she would call it childish and stupid and told me about all of the risks like never being able to have kids, being really sick and even death. I already knew about all the risks, I read about eating disorders a lot. She just doesn't understand, she thinks I chose this.

About your friend... I understand her reaction and her being worried but I agree with you, she could've acted differently.

I'm so sorry that you had to endure that...parents are hard to deal with in that situation...been there, but with a different issue.

I really hope that one day she can understand.

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by pinkflower17

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to admit you have a problem and then to basically have it thrown back in your face...well, that sucks. I'm sure that wasn't the reaction you were looking for. I had a lot of my friends kind of 'leave" me when I first started really struggling and had my first Inpatient hospitalization. There were some who stuck around, and I think it's times like this you find out who your true friends really are. It was really hard though. Some of them, I thought I'd be friends with for life. A lot of them distanced themselves because, they told me later, they were sure I was going to die and didn't want to put themselves through the pain of losing me. I don't know if that's playing a factor.
Your friend is probably just frustrated and scared and doesn't know what to do. Neda Communications, Inc. ? neda.com has a lot of good resources for friends and family members. Maybe suggest she take a look at that?
It its hard to seek help and conquer these demons and it really does sound like she could have approached it better. Could you have a conversation with her about this? Something along the lines of "I appreciate your concern, I want to get better, but that's not the best way to help me right now, here are some resources if you're interested and I'd really appreciate your support in overcoming this"? Or something like that.
Having everything going for you doesn't have a damn thing to do with struggling with an eating disorder and it really bothers me when people assume that. I'm a doctor, when I was at my sickest, I was engaged, pregnant, had tons of friends and it should have been the happiest time of my life. Then, partially due to the eating disorder, I had a 32 week stillbirth, my engagement broke up a few months ago and like I mentioned previously, my friends slowly started distancing themselves. And I was isolating a lot at the time, so some of that I'm sure was partially me.
Are you seeing a therapist/psychiatrist/physician/nutritionist right now? Any kind of treatment team? Going to any kind of support groups? Maybe you could start small and show her you're willing to make changes, it's just going to be a long, slow process. The average (average) recovery from anorexia is 5-7 years and approx. 3-5 for bulimia. It's probably not going to change overnight.
I'm sorry you're going through all this and I hope some of these suggestions help. Please feel free to PM me anytime. I'd love to help in anyway I can. I feel like I've been in your shoes more than once. I totally get it.
Take care.

Thank you for sharing part of your story with me. I am sorry to hear of the losses you've endured...

I'm going to send you a short PM.

[waggiedog]

Hi, I'm all of 56 years old, dispite severe ED's for over 40 years. That's ALL of the ED's, but I've been huge (obese for my height) and near death due to overdoses because I just couldn't deal with the anorexia and bulimia, plus abuse of all drugs that kepts me ''thin''. I'm STILL in the grip of a total obsession with being and getting to lesser and lesser weights, I CAN'T even weight any less, I weight less now than when in Psych hospital for my ED's, which has been 5 times to date. Its hampered by aquaintences telling me I look GOOD!!!!! Yeah OK, I spend over and hour applying make up and I'm obsessed with chick clothes, but I'm ill and my very trusted Psych Dr at my drug de~tox re~hab centre paints a very very serious different story. (I'm addicted to a LOT of ''legal'' and prescription meds BUT, these narcotics are not mine to take!) The weight loss meds are free to buy. I have BPD, no children as I've completely ****** up my body. My elyctrolyte readings are terrible, I've lost five more teth in one month, I have a mild lung infection, I totally shattered and faint, Psych Dr said my pupils are shot to pieces and I should be driving. It's agony without my narcotics, too many laxitives has made my blood pressure so low........................I KNOW all this but the only drive I need/have to stay alive is I'm my dads full time carrer, he's so poorly, but he's my No ONE. I keep fainting, I feel like I dying, and Psych says that's exactly what I doing! The ED mind set is soooooooooooooo strong and seeing all these famous anorexic twigs gives out totally the wrong message. Sorry for my rant, maybe I just frightened' XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by waggiedog

Hi, I'm all of 56 years old, dispite severe ED's for over 40 years. That's ALL of the ED's, but I've been huge (obese for my height) and near death due to overdoses because I just couldn't deal with the anorexia and bulimia, plus abuse of all drugs that kepts me ''thin''. I'm STILL in the grip of a total obsession with being and getting to lesser and lesser weights, I CAN'T even weight any less, I weight less now than when in Psych hospital for my ED's, which has been 5 times to date. Its hampered by aquaintences telling me I look GOOD!!!!! Yeah OK, I spend over and hour applying make up and I'm obsessed with chick clothes, but I'm ill and my very trusted Psych Dr at my drug de~tox re~hab centre paints a very very serious different story. (I'm addicted to a LOT of ''legal'' and prescription meds BUT, these narcotics are not mine to take!) The weight loss meds are free to buy. I have BPD, no children as I've completely ****** up my body. My elyctrolyte readings are terrible, I've lost five more teth in one month, I have a mild lung infection, I totally shattered and faint, Psych Dr said my pupils are shot to pieces and I should be driving. It's agony without my narcotics, too many laxitives has made my blood pressure so low........................I KNOW all this but the only drive I need/have to stay alive is I'm my dads full time carrer, he's so poorly, but he's my No ONE. I keep fainting, I feel like I dying, and Psych says that's exactly what I doing! The ED mind set is soooooooooooooo strong and seeing all these famous anorexic twigs gives out totally the wrong message. Sorry for my rant, maybe I just frightened' XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thank you for this rant. Nothing to be sorry for. This helps. I think maybe my current weight is giving me an excuse to keep doing my behaviors...I don't know. I just keep telling myself that I can't have an ed cause I'm too heavy...Thank you for understanding that...
And yeah, it's definitely an encouragement when others comment on my weight loss. So even though I may not have eaten for an extended period of time and may feel physically horrible, I feel accomplished, and then it's perpetuated by people who comment on how good I look since I've lost weight. It's a vicious cycle.

[eskielover]

It's good to be confronted....& in reality ED BEHAVIOR IS OUR CHOICE & IT CAN ONLY BE OUR CHOICE TO STOP THE BEHAVIOR. It's just that habits & thoughts processes aren't easy or quick to change but we are the only ones that can do it for ourselves.

Friends do have a choice to deal with our behaviors or not because in reality, when someone is focused on their ED, it ends up being their ONLY FOCUS & we end up being NO ONE'S friend. Friendship is a 2 way street & so many people with an ED just don't focus on anything but that.

Most people with an ED have some serious psychological issues underlying it that have caused it to occur in the first place....usually it's NOT just about wanting to be thin.....many who have ED's have gone through SA, abortions, abusive marriages & the ED in reality is an escape or a way to get away from what is really bothering...or a behavior that has been a way of coping with something difficult in life. There are those with body image problems but the body image issues usually come after the weight loss actually starts & wants to continue. For some young it is the advertising but there is usually something more behind that also.

That is why Therapy is so important because if the underlying issue isn't dealt with, then the ED will NEVER be controlled....it can come & go & sometimes even a swing in the other direction. But issues seriously NEED to be dealt with & sometimes we don't even realize that there is something in our past or present causing it. I had always been weight conscious but with playing racquetball with the guys every day at during lunch at work & being on the go so much, my weight stayed completely in control & I needed the energy to function & keep my engineering career going.....but when I lost my career.....I knew I had a bad marriage for almost 20 years...I just didn't realize how much feeling trapped in it was what pushed me even deeper into the anorexia after stress, depression & Prozac started the weight loss....I didn't want to stop loosing....I wanted to disappear since I couldn't escape my marriage through divorce at that time (financial & other issues)....suicide attempts on top of the anorexia it was just another more passive way of escaping.....years of hospitalizations with central lines & IV nutrition....I managed to survive even gained too much....until another trauma hit when my mother was dying of cancer & again the anorexia came back full force. Only thing that even gave me a reason to want to live was that my mare had just had the most gorgeous new foal that was sleeping on my lap & just the most loving creature I had ever experienced. It took years to get to a healthy weight & then I was able to escape my bad marriage & move 2100 miles away & living alone & figuring out who I really was made me want to live along with the responsibility of 7 dogs at that time & working to get my farm set up to bring my horse here. Hope in life & a reason to live helped me control the anorexia even through a few triggering situations.

I actually have friends now who are more helping me with accountability than causing issues about it & after oral surgery last Friday (all my teeth removed along with tori & a sinus invasion by one of the roots along with an impacted wisdom tooth that was there), I haven't been able to eat much food & really don't feel like putting food in my mouth because it's so sore....but I gained enough before the surgery to have a buffer which I can tell will be mostly used up by the end of this long term healing & having no teeth.

The thing is that I had to want to stop the anorexia behavior....no one can make you want to. It has to come from within......for me there are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now, I wouldn't want to waste my time or be getting dizzy all the time or passing out while living alone & besides stuff like that freaks out my dogs. Leo has a bad enough time with my oral surgery...it's always in my face trying to lick it to make it better.

It's nice that your friend confronted you....& actually she's probably sort of a "TOUGH LOVE" sort of person I'm guessing by the way she confronted you......because in reality....you are the one that has to make the choice of how you are going to live your life & it seems that she sees you doing NOTHING to get any help though you have been dealing with for about a year......some people approach problem situations & feel like they have to hit it over the head with a base ball bat to KNOCK some sense into the person because some people don't listen to NICE or at least some people feel that most people don't listen to nice so they make their statement & draw the line. I myself have been known to function that way when I was in my bad marriage.

I really hope that you can make the right choice & get the help you need now & let your friend know & she might be your best accountability friend in the long run if she feels that you have chosen to work on fixing your problem.