yesterday I filled myself up with junk food, became really unwell (I felt really ill), and in sted of stopping I decided to order a chinese takeaway- knowing full well that I didn't need it

it was nice, but that isn't the point

eating a lot of candy today

I feel bad too for ordering 30 (yes, 30), really big bottles of coca cola

oh well it's done now and it's being delivered

[Blue_Bird]

I'm doing well. It's been a week without bingeing or purging. I've been eating pretty healthy. I am running very low on food cause of all the spending on binge food earlier in the month, which is gone of course, so I got a list of food pantries from my case manager and am going to be going to one next week. I'm excited because I have some turkey burgers thawing, which should be good.

[half_awakexx]

I feel so gosh darn guilty. It's ridiculous. I've only had breakfast and yet I can't stop obsessing over the little I ate during that time. It's like I've sinned or something.

[Blueberrybook]

I've had a horrible day today, and that's affected my eating. I ran way to far this morning, and had a panic attack over an hour long. I couldn't even eat lunch, I was so panicky. I posted about all that in the bipolar forum though and don't feel like repeating myself, so you can go there should you care.

[Blueberrybook]

Managed a protein bar this afternoon and dinner, but dinner only because I have I family I have to prepare meals for. Leftover cheese tortillini with sauce & salad. Even added Parmesan cheese to the sauce and salad & used dressing (albeit light dressing).

Still not feeling that great. I'm in a bad place mentally with the bipolar and am starting to suspect I may be entering into a mixed episode. I absolutely HATE those.

I called and moved my psychiatrist appointment from Sept. 5 to Monday (my pdoc doesn't have Friday appointments). I also managed to get an appointment with my PCP, on Monday too, just to check in, ask if there are any tests she needs or recommends. I just saw her in June for a wellness checkup, but I lost enough weight since then for the PA to freak out when I saw him a couple weeks ago for a UTI. Granted, he is new to the practice and looked young, but on the other hand, I need to talk to my PCP and maybe get her to talk to my pdoc as well (as the ED thing isn't a big issue so far with him). She knows him; she said so at my appointment with her in June. I have been seeing her for 14 years (though not through my absolute rock bottom lowest weight; I lived in a different town then), and she did see me through a pretty bad relapse around 2015. I would like to have the 2 of them on the same page. When I see the pdoc, I am going to re-request that he talk a bit more about my case with my retiring pdoc (saw her 10 years). He has access to her notes, but she handwrote her notes, and her writing is miniscule and hard to read. She is still at the practice, fewer days now, but still seeing existing patients until they settle in with a new doctor.

[eskielover]

Remember Cin.....to allow pdoc & MD to talk with each other release forms have to be filled out bevause of HIPPA. They can't talk to each other even if they know each other without your written consent. (from personal experience the last time my anorexia was bad in 2005).

Turned out my MD said....I will ONLY take care of your medical needs when it comes to the anorexia (IV nutrition & need to be medically hospitalized) he said my pdoc needed to take care of the psych issues involved. He drew the dividing line & really didn't seem to see the need to communicate with my pdoc. However when I was medically hospitalized for several months he did call in the hospitals staff pdoc & psychologist to see me almost daily.

pretty much the same as yesterday.

set myself a goal of not overeating junkfood, and I'm overeating massively

4 bags of candy at one go at the moment.. I know

[Blueberrybook]

I didn't exercise this morning. ED thoughts have me hating myself.

[half_awakexx]

Still battling my thoughts. I wish the weight would just come off me. My clothes are feeling a bit more loose now, but nowhere I want to be. It's like a ping pong game, just back and forth bull. I know what I'm doing is not healthy and not the right way to lose weight, but at the same time I can't help it. I give up one destructive habit for another. I can't win.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I was surprised that I was able to keep up at the gym this morning with the caloric deficit I have going.

I'm frustrated, because strength training is messing with the scale. I feel like I should be seeing a lower number, but it's stubbornly not moving. I blame the 3x a week strength training. But I also love the training... and I'm caught in a catch-22 of "I want to do well at training, so I have to eat" vs. "I have to have to have to get to a lower number, so I can't eat."

My individual therapist has really really really triggered me... I was doing well, but now I'm doing horribly. I told him that my dietician is encouraging me towards intuitive eating, and he (individaul therapist) said he is very skeptical of this. He doesn't trust me -- not because he just thinks I'll UNDEReat, but because he also worries I'll OVEReat. He said I DO have to be concerned about gaining a bunch of weight/getting fat again...because I've been obese in the past.

Parts of me feel in so many different directions.

Shame...a lot of shame...at ever having been obese. Self-hatred for it. The thought that I will never be able to escape it -- I must wear my former obesity like a scarlet letter. Once obese, always a lazy, incompetent person who lacks self control.

The ED part wants to starve and is convinced that if I were just thin enough, he wouldn't say these things. That if I was thin enough, he would tell me not to worry about gaining/getting fat. The ED part has a new goal...the ED part wants my therapist to want me to gain weight. And has some ridiculous goals...like passing out during training at the gym, because apparently that will mean it's working hard enough. The ED part even wants my personal trainer to want me to gain some fat. ...The ED part makes me feel so much shame as this all sounds so attention-seeking.

I think the rational adult me is just angry. How dare he tell me that I should worry about gaining weight/getting fat? How dare he? He has NEVER KNOWN ME overweight. He has NEVER KNOWN ME to overeat. It has been YEARS since I was that person. How dare he still hold that over my head when he has no evidence that that's what would happen? ALL HE HAS in his own experience of me is evidence that I will undereat OR eat normally and maintain my weight. How dare he tell me I need to go to a nutritionist/dietician for my nutrition advice and then back-track and spout skepticism and tell me "well, I didn't recommend this dietician." How dare he outsource my care and then back peddle when it's not what he in his self-confessed "untrained in nutrition" brain expected the dietician to say? How DARE he tell a client with an eating disorder that she should be worried about gaining weight?

I have group therapy today, and I am fairly certain my group therapists (both ED specialists) will be appalled when I tell him what's been said. I don't want to see them appalled... I don't want to be told that I should work with someone else.

My individual therapist is like a father to me, and I am caught up in a reenactment of my own awful relationship with my actual dad. I don't feel I can be OK without having worked through this once and for all.

Not sure if you've been here before and if you have been sorry..I have not been here a lot over the past several months. So from me:

managed to eat my dinner.

average dinner, but after what i've eaten today it's a good thing I could eat it

[half_awakexx]

Haven't had anything since this morning. I can't fathom eating anything else. It's frustrating how much my mind has taken over. I should have seen this coming, but it completely blindsided me. I was having disordered thoughts about eating awhile ago and it's been building ever since. Now that I've laid off the alcohol, this is what I replaced it with.

..... and the same

set myself a goal of eating less junkfood- I'm actually eating more

4 bags of chips, 2 bags of candy and some cookies

[LucyD]

Had a bad night last night. One of my family members is moving out of state and for good. I was very sad and ate a lot. I slept over 12 hours. Felt down at first today but now feel okay more or less having me coffee.

[half_awakexx]

I caved and got a pizza last night. At first I didn't give a flying flip, but then I realized I screwed up by eating a few slices and for the first time in quite awhile, purged. My fitness app is still telling me to log my calories for this morning and afternoon.

I think come Tuesday, when I have my therapy appointment, I'm going to talk more about this with my therapist. She even asked me if I believed I had an eating disorder, which I flat out denied I did. Of course, I know better.

[LucyD]

I used to purge many years ago to keep from gaining weight. I came to a realization one day that I was hurting myself doing this for some reason. In time the reason became apparent to me and it made me stop doing it. I have tried several times since I quit to purge and it won't work for me anymore. Nothing comes up. So now I am quite overweight but losing still even though it is not happening as fast as I'd like. I just have to accept this process is slow but I guess that's okay. I have days when I give in and eat like there is no tomorrow. Then I have days when I can tell myself I'll have the next serving tomorrow.

[LucyD]

[Blueberrybook]

I'm feeling so guilty and bad about myself. I only did half of my normal exercise. My husband's friends brought over fried chicken, and I ate a biscuit, wing, and most of a thigh. Not to mention, I snacked on butter pecan ice cream in the afternoon. Breakfast and lunch were pretty normal.

I know I need to gain weight. Why do I feel guilty doing the right thing to help be a good support and role model for my 10 yr. old daughter?

Granted, that wasn't the healthiest meal in the world, and I hope I won't pay for it later (ulcer surgery does not seem fond of fatty foods). And I don't know why I worry. I think the surgery that had to do makes it harder for my body to absorb fat. It was a bit abnormal, due to my having a high muscle to fat ratio; I was a low normal weight at the time and had been that weight over a year without ED behaviors. The gastro-enterologist constantly points out that I was lucky to survive a perforated ulcer (happened because I was clueless I even had an ulcer - caused by a bacterial infection & use of NSAIDs but I had no symptoms, unlike most people with ulcers). The doctor told me part of this surgery the trauma surgeons had to do was akin to getting a gastric sleeve (which a person with an ED really doesn't need). The ED thoughts though, were always lurking in the background at that normal weight. I just didn't act on them.

Tomorrow we'll all be eating healthier. It's not that I cook super healthy meas and count calories. I don't count calories at all. Most of the meals I cook at home just tend to be better for you than fast food. It's the rare couple of days a month my husband's friends come over to do role playing games with him that we eat an unhealthy dinner.

for breakfast today I had a bacon sandwich (which I admit, is a bit too much for breakfast), but had it anyway

still really sstruggling with overeating

barely 11 A.M and I'm on the candy

[Blueberrybook]

Ran too much again this morning without having anything but coffee with a splash of creamer before hand. I'm having yogurt now though and will soon make lunch.

I have to plan meals for the week and make a shopping list for tomorrow. Even with a list, I always forget things.

[half_awakexx]

Almost 1 o'clock and I haven't had anything to eat yet. The rational side of my brain is telling me to at least have a little of something, but the other side, the eating disorder part wants nothing to do with it. I ended up purging again last night. I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another pound. The battery in my scale is dying and I need to replace the batteries. Maybe I won't. I could do without the scale.

Just trying to pass the time now by writing here and playing video games. I know come Tuesday, I'm going to be face to face with my therapist and this will no doubt be brought up. We touched on it last week and it was the first time I went into detail about my past eating disorder.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by half_awakexx

Almost 1 o'clock and I haven't had anything to eat yet. The rational side of my brain is telling me to at least have a little of something, but the other side, the eating disorder part wants nothing to do with it. I ended up purging again last night. I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another pound. The battery in my scale is dying and I need to replace the batteries. Maybe I won't. I could do without the scale.

Just trying to pass the time now by writing here and playing video games. I know come Tuesday, I'm going to be face to face with my therapist and this will no doubt be brought up. We touched on it last week and it was the first time I went into detail about my past eating disorder.

You know you need to eat something and that it actually slows your metabolism if you don't eat. What would you tell another person who posted on here that they just don't want to eat? And if you're not eating (or undereating), what you are purging ends up being mostly water weight. Plus, purging is SO bad on the teeth. Though I'm really not one to talk, I just end up doing the purging through excessive exercise; I don't think that really makes it any better. Please get yourself something healthy to eat, make a sandwich or something. People on normal diets lose weight eating 1200 calories a day and exercising (within reason). I was lucky with my first super & most severe bout of anorexia (had another relapse around 2015), but I think because I had been at least eating something daily and digesting food, recovery was less brutal physically. It was still hard, but I didn't have those digestion problems so many others with EDs get when they re-feed. I don't know why, but my set point weight settled quite a bit lower than before after recovery, though that took 6 months, a year. It was a long time ago.

I don't really know you or your weight situation. Are your doctors and therapists worried that it is too low or say that you are normal weight for your height and don't need to lose anything? Or that if you want to lose weight, you should do it in a healthier manner?

Of course, I'd tell anybody in my shoes, stop exercising so damn much! But I have trouble listening to my rational side.

another bad day.

all their is to say really

still overeating

[toomanycats]

I ate at a normal level Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and am trying to keep going.
The scale has been kind despite my normal level eating, so that is making it easier.
Therapy today, nutritionist tomorrow, more therapy wednesday and Thursday....so much therapy.