[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

cln, have you tried support groups for eating disorders or bipolar? I like support groups better than individual therapy. And there are free ones.

I tried one for eating disorders in college, but it was very triggering for me. I instantly put myself into competition with all the others there, wanting to be skinnier than Suzy, eat less than Jane, be threatened with hospitalization like Mary, etc. And though numbers, sizes, times that trigger were not allowed while in group, it's not like we didn't talk about them going to group or leaving (oftentimes several of us on the same campus shuttle bus).

I don't think I'd ever do an ED group again. There is a church not too far from where I live that has bipolar/depression group support, not NAMI, some other organization, but it's national, I think, can't remember the name. I need to bite the bullet and go to a meeting, and it is free I believe.

[downandlonely]

There is the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. In Houston, they have renamed it reMind. I really like it.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

There is the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. In Houston, they have renamed it reMind. I really like it.

Where does it meet? I live near Houston, but I hate driving in most parts of it, except the very strange parts of Houston that are really more Pasadena, Webster, or Clear Lake. Don't mind Friendswood either, but driving in Houston proper causes me high anxiety & panic attacks. I think it is the amount of traffic, one way roads, constant construction veering off of Google Maps, and the fast speeds on freeways. I used to drive there (admittedly hated it) but haven't in years. I drive a Subaru Forester (the smaller older model, it's a 1997), and it does not accelerate very fast at all, especially compared to the tons of much larger trucks & big rigs on the freeways.

The local group that meets at the church is in Pasadena and about a 10 minute drive from my house. I don't think they are religious, but if they are, that is OK as I am a Christian and from time-to-time do manage to attend church (mostly when hypomanic).

[toomanycats]

Hi... I've never posted on this board before, but I need somewhere to talk about this stuff... so... here I am.

I've been diagnosed a few times with ED-NOS... but my primary issues are restriction and purging ED behaviors of multiple kinds (I used to have binging problems many years ago too, though.)

I've just started working with a dietician for the first time (she specializes in EDs), and I've been in therapy for forever it seems (ok, like 4 years) but am only just starting to really acknowledge that my "food stuff" has a name.

Anyways, I'm mostly just saying hi. So...hi!

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Hi... I've never posted on this board before, but I need somewhere to talk about this stuff... so... here I am.

I've been diagnosed a few times with ED-NOS... but my primary issues are restriction and purging ED behaviors of multiple kinds (I used to have binging problems many years ago too, though.)

I've just started working with a dietician for the first time (she specializes in EDs), and I've been in therapy for forever it seems (ok, like 4 years) but am only just starting to really acknowledge that my "food stuff" has a name.

Anyways, I'm mostly just saying hi. So...hi!

Welcome! I have been dealing with an eating disorder since the late 1990s. First, anorexia, then ED-NOS, then back to anorexia when the DSM-V came out with new guidelines for EDs diagnosis. I have a lot of purging behavior too, mainly through excessive exercise. In college, though, I used laxatives and sometimes threw up (but I wasn't very good at making myself throw up, fortunately).

I hope the dietician helps. I worked with a wonderful group of dieticians when I was in graduate school. They had all recovered from EDs and worked on a sliding scale, which was great because I didn't have insurance. It was like having therapy and nutrition counseling in one.

I was doing OK but recently had to have emergency surgery on a perforated ulcer (not caused by the ED, caused by a bacterial infection & use of NSAIDs). The hospital treatment caused a big weight loss, I was on that course for 6 days (you can look it up) then afterwards didn't have a lot of appetite. I had been normal weight before and exercising normal amounts and then seeing the scale going down at all the followup appointments, brought out the old ED thinking.

[Blueberrybook]

Ran a lot again this morning. I think I'm a bit hypomanic as well because I did a ton more than usual yesterday and even this morning. I had to drop off cable/internet supplies because of a provider switch and did get myself a frappucino (nonfat though) and panini at Starbucks for lunch and managed them both, even if they did mess up and give me a different panini than the one I ordered. I did an online complaint to Starbucks though; they are crediting my card back for the faulty order, so that's OK.

My husband went back to work today (teaches high school). My daughter will start 5th grade on Wednesday. Hopefully, I will do OK with breakfast and lunch while home by myself during the day. I have a lot of projects I want to do, but one of them is liable to be somewhat triggering - going through my clothes. My drawers are stuffed and out of order and closet packed, I really need to do it, try on some stuff, see if it fits or not. I'm so much smaller now though. I really haven't decided what to do with the clothes that are too big. Hang on to them, assuming I get back to my healthy weight, or get rid of them and buy new clothes when that time comes?

Now I feel guilty about all the calories in the food & drink though

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Hi... I've never posted on this board before, but I need somewhere to talk about this stuff... so... here I am.

I've been diagnosed a few times with ED-NOS... but my primary issues are restriction and purging ED behaviors of multiple kinds (I used to have binging problems many years ago too, though.)

I've just started working with a dietician for the first time (she specializes in EDs), and I've been in therapy for forever it seems (ok, like 4 years) but am only just starting to really acknowledge that my "food stuff" has a name.

Anyways, I'm mostly just saying hi. So...hi!

Hi! Welcome to this thread...you are not alone...everyone here has an ED.

[LucyD]

I am feeling happy right now because my blood glucose level was the lowest it has been since being diagnosed with Diabetes a few mos. ago. I am on a Diabetic Diet to lose weight. My Diabetes Educator gave me instructions and a big book all about Diabetes, how to eat, the glucose levels, medication and so much. I am not on meds. for diabetes. I'm glad none of my psyche meds are making me eat a lot.

[LucyD]

better day today.

ate a decent meal (scampi and fries), and did try hard not to eat so much candy

but then I felt bad and just went ahead and did it

I don't think as much as yesterday (I didn't feel as sick)

[half_awakexx]

My eating disorder has been dormant for awhile, until recently. I'm kind of obsessed with counting calories and note that in an app I have installed on my phone. My therapist is also worried that I am falling back into eating disorder habits (today was the first time I shared with her my story). I'm way under what I should be eating. Grr....I hate the little voice in my head that influences my habit. For the most part, I eat relatively healthy and go to the gym. Today, was the first day in quite some time I actually ran. It was nice.
I'm hoping I can find a loophole through this and not get sucked back into where I was 4 years ago.

I've eaten breakfast which was a good start.

but then ruined it with sweets.

again, it's still really early in the morning (11 A.M)

[LucyD]

To satisfy my craving for the sweets I have been getting strawberries and blackberries and blueberries. I can't eat a lot of them, still, because of diabetes. I still get satisfied with them, though. I won't lie, it was hard getting off the candy bars and pastries. I still have a bit every once in awhile, though. It's possible I could go way off too by eating a whole cake. Thought of eating a pie today but got the berries instead at the store. I can't keep any candy around my apt. I'll go crazy on it...

[LucyD]

[88Butterfly88]

Cln, you could check out NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) as well.

Find Support | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

[88Butterfly88]

I bought a box of candy today that had three servings of candy in the box. I said I was going to eat one serving a day but I ate the whole box in about half an hour. So much for being healthy.

[Blueberrybook]

Put on a pretty shirt I rediscovered in my closet this morning. I was going to wear it today while my daughter & I visited my sister & my 3 nieces. Before leaving, I caught a glipsme of my back (double mirrors in our bedroom). The shirt had a cutout in the back, and I looked and thought, "OMG, if I wear that, my sister will totally freak out." Because yeah, you could tell I was obviously way, way too thin. I've got to start gaining or even maintaining at this point. I'm lucky I not having other problems; still have my period (started my cycle today), no hair loss, fainting, dizziness, weakness, heart problems, etc. But I'm really starting to get freak-out thin.

[half_awakexx]

Went to my sister's for dinner. I could feel the anxiety and guilt building up even before I ate anything. I managed to eat relatively okay. I did pick through the food a bit and turned down a slice of cake. This whole voice in my head thing is annoying, yet at the same time I kind of like it because it's motivation to lose weight. I keep thinking over what my therapist asked yesterday, if I believe I have an eating disorder. She said you can be any weight and still exhibit signs of disordered eating.
-sigh-
Anyway, thinking of y'all and sending good vibes.

[toomanycats]

I was surprised that I was able to keep up at the gym this morning with the caloric deficit I have going.

I'm frustrated, because strength training is messing with the scale. I feel like I should be seeing a lower number, but it's stubbornly not moving. I blame the 3x a week strength training. But I also love the training... and I'm caught in a catch-22 of "I want to do well at training, so I have to eat" vs. "I have to have to have to get to a lower number, so I can't eat."

My individual therapist has really really really triggered me... I was doing well, but now I'm doing horribly. I told him that my dietician is encouraging me towards intuitive eating, and he (individaul therapist) said he is very skeptical of this. He doesn't trust me -- not because he just thinks I'll UNDEReat, but because he also worries I'll OVEReat. He said I DO have to be concerned about gaining a bunch of weight/getting fat again...because I've been obese in the past.

Parts of me feel in so many different directions.

Shame...a lot of shame...at ever having been obese. Self-hatred for it. The thought that I will never be able to escape it -- I must wear my former obesity like a scarlet letter. Once obese, always a lazy, incompetent person who lacks self control.

The ED part wants to starve and is convinced that if I were just thin enough, he wouldn't say these things. That if I was thin enough, he would tell me not to worry about gaining/getting fat. The ED part has a new goal...the ED part wants my therapist to want me to gain weight. And has some ridiculous goals...like passing out during training at the gym, because apparently that will mean it's working hard enough. The ED part even wants my personal trainer to want me to gain some fat. ...The ED part makes me feel so much shame as this all sounds so attention-seeking.

I think the rational adult me is just angry. How dare he tell me that I should worry about gaining weight/getting fat? How dare he? He has NEVER KNOWN ME overweight. He has NEVER KNOWN ME to overeat. It has been YEARS since I was that person. How dare he still hold that over my head when he has no evidence that that's what would happen? ALL HE HAS in his own experience of me is evidence that I will undereat OR eat normally and maintain my weight. How dare he tell me I need to go to a nutritionist/dietician for my nutrition advice and then back-track and spout skepticism and tell me "well, I didn't recommend this dietician." How dare he outsource my care and then back peddle when it's not what he in his self-confessed "untrained in nutrition" brain expected the dietician to say? How DARE he tell a client with an eating disorder that she should be worried about gaining weight?

I have group therapy today, and I am fairly certain my group therapists (both ED specialists) will be appalled when I tell him what's been said. I don't want to see them appalled... I don't want to be told that I should work with someone else.

My individual therapist is like a father to me, and I am caught up in a reenactment of my own awful relationship with my actual dad. I don't feel I can be OK without having worked through this once and for all.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I was surprised that I was able to keep up at the gym this morning with the caloric deficit I have going.

I'm frustrated, because strength training is messing with the scale. I feel like I should be seeing a lower number, but it's stubbornly not moving. I blame the 3x a week strength training. But I also love the training... and I'm caught in a catch-22 of "I want to do well at training, so I have to eat" vs. "I have to have to have to get to a lower number, so I can't eat."

My individual therapist has really really really triggered me... I was doing well, but now I'm doing horribly. I told him that my dietician is encouraging me towards intuitive eating, and he (individaul therapist) said he is very skeptical of this. He doesn't trust me -- not because he just thinks I'll UNDEReat, but because he also worries I'll OVEReat. He said I DO have to be concerned about gaining a bunch of weight/getting fat again...because I've been obese in the past.

Parts of me feel in so many different directions.

Shame...a lot of shame...at ever having been obese. Self-hatred for it. The thought that I will never be able to escape it -- I must wear my former obesity like a scarlet letter. Once obese, always a lazy, incompetent person who lacks self control.

The ED part wants to starve and is convinced that if I were just thin enough, he wouldn't say these things. That if I was thin enough, he would tell me not to worry about gaining/getting fat. The ED part has a new goal...the ED part wants my therapist to want me to gain weight. And has some ridiculous goals...like passing out during training at the gym, because apparently that will mean it's working hard enough. The ED part even wants my personal trainer to want me to gain some fat. ...The ED part makes me feel so much shame as this all sounds so attention-seeking.

I had that too when I was in college, the ED part of me wanting ridiculous things, like to be forced to be hospitalized. And it was so happy when I lost my period. It was devastated when my period returned on gaining weight. Yeah, the ED brain thinks stupid stuff.

[Blueberrybook]

I didn't exercise this morning and feel guilty about it. I woke up with a slightly upset stomach, I'm not sure why. It's gotten better though. Now, it's too hot to exercise outside. I just have to accept it. My BMI is down past underweight; I shouldn't even be thinking about exercise, but such is the ED brain.

I'm also on period day 2 - the suckiest day of my cycle ever, and did it really need to show up early I have God-awful cramps, and because of that ulcer surgery, I can never take NSAIDs again. So I'm stuck with Tylenol, which never helps.

I'm also a little anxious about my sister. She is having ACL surgery today, and I haven't heard any news of how she's doing.

I'm going to work on reading more of my book for my book club this month. I need to relax. It will get chaotic soon. It's my daughter's first day of school, and she's sure to come home with one of those huge dreaded packets for parents to fill out.

I just had chinese takeout

it was nice, but very very filling...

[Blueberrybook]

My sister made it through surgery OK, but I know little else about how she is doing right now.

My daughter had a good first day of 5th grade although her math teacher had the kids make up math problems to answer common "getting to know you" type questions with numbers - siblings, pets, etc. I sure hope she's not going to pass out their sheets to other students to solve because my daughter was writing things like "My favorite number is between 3 & 4." Her current favorite number is pi. Writing algebra equations or saying it was this number written in binary or hexadecimal or the number is the square root of some number. She is gifted & talented, and math is her best subject. She's in a dual language Spanish/English program in her school, and she has many classmates with Spanish as a first language who struggle with English already, on top of getting slammed with a bunch of math terms they never heard of. I would not be at all surprised if her math teacher sends me an email about her soon. I already told the teacher she loves math & it's her best subject, though her grades are high even in her worst subject. She reads at a 12th grade level, so I had to email the language arts teacher to ask her to assign a reading level lower than 12th grade, so my daughter can find books in the school library and so she can read fiction books dealing with things a 10 year old girl would like to read about, such as things happening to kids in middle school, not high school love stories or vampires. My daughter is a bit of a quirky one and quite the parenting challenge as she has tons of sensory issues.

Dinner was OK. I generally eat normally; it's just I overexercise and don't eat enough calories to combat that. There is also the complication that I did have to have surgery for that perforated ulcer and the surgery or the Protonix I'm supposed to take for my stomach can cause vitamin & fat malabsorption issues. So maybe that contributes, who knows?

[half_awakexx]

Managed to make it to the gym this morning. I did about half an hour of cardio (all that I could really give). My app on my phone keeps reminding me to track my meals for the day. I haven't eaten much. The eating disorder part of my brain is cheering me on and the other part is telling me that I need to cut it out. It's hard. I finally weighed myself this morning and wasn't too thrilled with the scale. It seems when I drop one self-destructive habit I go for another one (ie: drinking). This is almost similar to the time 4 years ago when I stopped drinking and eventually stopped eating.

On a positive note, I got a lot of things done today. I went to the DMV to license my vehicle, helped move items for my parent's garage sale this week and went to the dentist. Today was my day off from work which was nice. I was able to relax and enjoy some down time this evening.

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

I bought a box of candy today that had three servings of candy in the box. I said I was going to eat one serving a day but I ate the whole box in about half an hour. So much for being healthy.

try not to worry too much.

I have a 1 kelo bag of fruit slices here (fruit jellies from america), all ready half empty- and I've only had it for what... an hour