[Blueberrybook]

Waiting on a phone call that didn’t come, so I didn’t run today. I feel so guilty about not exercising. Sky high anxiety/panic. Bad headache too. Haven’t eaten yet. Keep telling myself the phone might ring in the middle of eating, so it’s better to wait. That is surely the stupid ED part of my brain, but I am listening to it...sigh

[eskielover]

Cin

Stress if any kind but especially financial has been the trigger for my anorexia several times. Short term stress always triggered short term weight loss I was able to recover from. Long term stress has caused the 2 serious times with anorexia that landed me both times in & out of the medical hospitals for quite awhile & always included a central line & IV nutrition.

So I understand how the stress you are experiencing can effect you this way. I honestly couldn't force myself to eat during stress as it would make me feel sick which just reinforced my not eating. I did find the last time if I was able to eat anything healthy at all it kept me from total anemia.

My heart is with you

[LucyD]

Waiting for more test results. Had the ultrasound yesterday; about my liver and some other nearby organs. Shall see what "great" news it is now...

yesterday I ate too much- 2 bags of candy and my dinner.

today.... eating too much and it's only 11 A.M

[Blueberrybook]

Tests run by the PCP came back pretty normal. Some numbers a little high, others a little low but signifing nothing except perhaps I was a little dehydrated, not a snocker since it took ages; the lab was backed up and only had 1 worker. Except I had low iron again. My iron is always low.

I am seeing the pdoc tomorrow morning. I have got to get my weight a bit higher on the scale, or even he will freak out. He has not weighed me before, but he’s got a giant doctor’s scale in his office, so he certainly can ask to weigh me. I wonder if I can tell him the same number from last week. It would probably be close if I didn’t constantly dehydrate myself taking God awful long runs in the heat. It takes a couple days for the fluids to recover even though I drink so much water afterwards.

Probably should not run any tomorrow. It is a school day for my daughter, work for hubby (teaches high school). Between waking them, packing lunches, the usual chores of taking care of the cats, dishes, my daughter’s breakfast, there is not that much time to run in the morning. Ugh! And I made a 9:30 AM appt., not much time to run after dropping my daughter off at school, considering it takes 30, 35 min to drive to the pdoc, and I would want to get cleaned up beforehand too. Maybe I won’t run tomorrow, but I hate taking all this time off from running.

Finances being so tight sucks. My husband may have a better paying job in January, but IDK, the same place promised it would happen this month and it never did.

I think my daughter’s school counselor is going to put me in touch with some sort of social advocate. God, I have given up hope on getting any help with finances, therapy, occupational therapy for my daughter, clothing for my daughter (hard to get with her sensory issues), meal planning, budgeting (especially budgeting), pretty much everything... I guess we’ll see.

[Blueberrybook]

OK, managed dinner even if I had zero appetite. Back in the days when my ED was so bad, I would have been so happy for that (because the truth was I was always hungry, no matter what I weighed, probably caused by excessive exercise). I remember once I dreamed I ate an entire fancy chocolate cake then woke up panicking that it really had happened.

It's the stupid anxiety. And now to shell out more money...my daughter lost a tooth while we were eating.

I am not sleeping great although 5-6 hr./night is good by bipolar means, I suppose. I just feel so drained and done.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm doing well, I have been eating lately. I was having some pains in my heart the other day which kind of worried me but they went away and haven't been back. I'm working on liking my body and stopping negative judgements and I'm getting better at it.

not doing well.

still out of control with my eating

[katydid777]

I haven't been hungry lately. No lunch / dinner for the last 2 days, and only toast to take my meds with. I have been drinking normal.

[toomanycats]

I'm... tired.
I've powered through all the challenges RE: fear foods/off-limits foods I developed over the last couple of months...so I'd say I'm back to my baseline ED now: Obsessively tracking. Anxiety, blah blah...I'm tired.

[Blueberrybook]

I had a bad day today. Couldn't exercise, which shot the anxiety sky high.

Told the pdoc my weight was the same as last week, which was a fib, I think it is down a pound or 2. I am eating but most days overexercising.

Pdoc gave me a 2 week window to turn this around before he'd start recommending me for IP.

I know everything I need to do. I've recovered, relapsed, recovered, relapsed many times, but I have so much freaking stress!

The exercise is the only thing I can control. The food too, but to a lesser extent, considering I have a family, have to eat dinner with them nightly, lunch during the weekend. I just way overdo it on the exercise, so far beyond the calorie count I'd need to balance what I've burned off, it is unlikely to happen with fairly normal eating even it it is sometimes weird like having Cheezits for lunch or something.

I need to get into a healthier head space...sigh.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm doing well, I have been eating lately. I was having some pains in my heart the other day which kind of worried me but they went away and haven't been back. I'm working on liking my body and stopping negative judgements and I'm getting better at it.

I need to work on liking my body, too. There must be something good about it. Someone told me I have nice eyes the other day. I've not thought that about myself though.

[dsmith]

I'm trying to get my sugar and chocolate intake under control. At the end of the day, I binge watch TV, and binge eat chocolate. It's soothing, but it prevents me from getting good sleep.

[Blueberrybook]

Exercised less today. I guess that’s a start. Ate more too and feel guilty about it even if my weight is very low.

Was very stupid and ate ice cream. I am not good at making myself throw up but ice cream I can. Shouldn’t have done it, but I felt too full.

My life sucks right now. So much stress. Worry over money. People who are supposed to call you back and never do. Social advocates I never hear a peep from. A stupid state website for benefits that invades your privacy, wants so much info, forms,etc., you just give up. 4 hour wait to try to get disability and turned down after a 5 minute interview. Why do things have to be so hard?

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Exercised less today. I guess that’s a start. Ate more too and feel guilty about it even if my weight is very low.

Was very stupid and ate ice cream. I am not good at making myself throw up but ice cream I can. Shouldn’t have done it, but I felt too full.

My life sucks right now. So much stress. Worry over money. People who are supposed to call you back and never do. Social advocates I never hear a peep from. A stupid state website for benefits that invades your privacy, wants so much info, forms,etc., you just give up. 4 hour wait to try to get disability and turned down after a 5 minute interview. Why do things have to be so hard?

You are not stupid at all. Stress is so hard on us. I, too, have been feeling it and then I drank a half of big bottle of diet coke and got all wound up on top of it all. All of a sudden I started laughing this morning--it was strange but after I felt better and it was a release of some of the stress. I am tired but don't want to go to sleep yet. Yesterday I cried and because a friend of mine passed. She had cancer--she was only 61 years old. It was breast cancer and she had chemo and lived for 6 years in remission and in May she told me it spread to her brain. That was the last we communicated. I realized the things she taught me that I needed to see again-her gift. I have been suddenly seeing the gifts people have given me who have passed--my dad, too. I had an insight into him today that I've never had before. He showed me so much patience yet he'd been through hell, too, before I was even born.

[mwaxy]

Totally get this. I don't want to be on the phone during a stressful meal/eating.I do the exact same thing. Turns out they call the next day instead usually, apologizing

[LucyD]

My blood sugar was near nondiabetic this morning! Woo Hoo! I still will have Diabetes for the rest of my life, though. Not sure what I did right but I didn't eat as much of the bread I was eating, plus I didn't smoke a cigarette. I ate too much fatty protein though and come to think of it some say that lowers blood glucose. I can't continue that with a cholesterol and trigliceride problem.

[katydid777]

Last week I had a apt. with my regular Dr. and I was 100.6, this week I had another apt with her and I was 99.2, and she was not happy about it. I do have a little problem about weight where my cloths don't fit, or are too tight, so I will go with out sometimes. I haven't started on that part with my new T yet, I have so many other things to work on first, but I will get to that.

[MoxieDoxie]

I have had enough of it all. I do not want to do this anymore. I do not want to feel, think......maybe it would be best to just be emotionally castrated. It is better than just wanting to not exist anymore.

pretty much still out of control.

my problem is I have too much in the house to eat, and I know I shouldn't, but... **** it

if I don't I then feel guilty

[Blue_Bird]

Since the med increase I'm pretty much not physically able to eat too much. I get full and recognize that I'm full much faster

[LucyD]

s to all. I feel lousy, too, my weight depresses me. I am more than my body though. I guess I haven't been made to feel more than that much of my life. Well, I'm going to have to encourage myself that I am a lot more than my body.

[Blueberrybook]

I had a sucky day yesterday. Ended up in the psych ER absolutely NOT NEEDING TO GO and telling the police officer that as well. And what did the psych ER doctor do? Release me to my husband (after the police officer left, good God, he'd waited around long enough, he could have given me a ride out of the Houston Medical Center & back to my house; it was a local officer from my town (not that huge a place, La Porte).

Should you care to read about that horror story, it's in the bipolar check-in thread somewhere.

Getting processed took ages. I was so cold. I was wearing shorts, a short-sleeved shirt & sandals. Asked for a blanket, nope, not until processed. That took like 3 hr. (45 minutes waiting first in cop car until they had space), then instead, handcuffed to a bench, I tell you. OMG. And I had to pee so bad. I kept telling them and they were like wait until this, wait until that. I nearly had an accident waiting 3 hours to pee. If I get a UTI from this, they will be hearing from me. That is how my daughter once got a UTI, waiting too long to go.

God awful tired today. Maybe fibromyalgia flaring up with the stess. Spine hurts like crazy from banging against the back of the hard police car seat (yes, I need to gain weight, but the officer didn't need to drive like a NASCAR racer either).

Didn't do well on eating yesterday through no fault of my own. Got driven into the Houston med center before I could have lunch, assessed and put on a ward to wait for my husband to pick me up after they had served lunch, husband picked me up as dinner was coming out very late, but all I wanted was to leave. Not only was it depressing, it was freezing cold, even with lots of blankets. And it wasn't just my weight. Everybody in there, all different sizes had tons of blankets on, except the nurses & orderlies.

So I'm not in a psych ER today. I guess it sucks a little less.

Didn't exercise this morning. Wanted to, but my youngest sister wanted to meet to talk, so I did that instead.

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by cln1812

I had a sucky day yesterday. Ended up in the psych ER absolutely NOT NEEDING TO GO and telling the police officer that as well. And what did the psych ER doctor do? Release me to my husband (after the police officer left, good God, he'd waited around long enough, he could have given me a ride out of the Houston Medical Center & back to my house; it was a local officer from my town (not that huge a place, La Porte).

Should you care to read about that horror story, it's in the bipolar check-in thread somewhere.

Getting processed took ages. I was so cold. I was wearing shorts, a short-sleeved shirt & sandals. Asked for a blanket, nope, not until processed. That took like 3 hr. (45 minutes waiting first in cop car until they had space), then instead, handcuffed to a bench, I tell you. OMG. And I had to pee so bad. I kept telling them and they were like wait until this, wait until that. I nearly had an accident waiting 3 hours to pee. If I get a UTI from this, they will be hearing from me. That is how my daughter once got a UTI, waiting too long to go.

God awful tired today. Maybe fibromyalgia flaring up with the stess. Spine hurts like crazy from banging against the back of the hard police car seat (yes, I need to gain weight, but the officer didn't need to drive like a NASCAR racer either).

Didn't do well on eating yesterday through no fault of my own. Got driven into the Houston med center before I could have lunch, assessed and put on a ward to wait for my husband to pick me up after they had served lunch, husband picked me up as dinner was coming out very late, but all I wanted was to leave. Not only was it depressing, it was freezing cold, even with lots of blankets. And it wasn't just my weight. Everybody in there, all different sizes had tons of blankets on, except the nurses & orderlies.

So I'm not in a psych ER today. I guess it sucks a little less.

Didn't exercise this morning. Wanted to, but my youngest sister wanted to meet to talk, so I did that instead.

Sounds awful

[88Butterfly88]

I did so so eating wise today. Bought a candy bar but opted for the smallest one the store had.