[MuddyBoots]

I did well over the weekend, but I'm back to restricting. My therapist kinda invalidated me because I told her I did well over the weekend, and she was all "well, now that the diet works you don't have to worry about that anymore." This is mindless rebellion, but I want to lose a boatload of weight to prove to her that her telling me to eat yogurt was not a cure.

probably postponing my marathon to march. what a waste of money. i'm stressed at the thought of having to eat a ton for it and prolonging what was going on for me this year. it was very hard and i'm just starting to feel like myself again

[stahrgeyzer]

Feeling depressed and horrible so I've been binge eating past 2 days, everything. Lost count how many cartons of ice cream. Wish I knew an amazing way to be healthy mentally. Feel like 2 years of trauma therapy is failing me.

[Deilla]

I ate a little extra yesterday. I didn't want to end up hungry in the middle of the night. It worked. So I guess that was good.

I had my regular mcdonalds yesterday.

it was good

[Deilla]

I filled up on vegetables and rice cause I was really hungry.

[Mountaindewed]

I drank 2 bottles of light Body Armor and then I had 3 cans of zero sugar soda. So I got really full and unintentionally intentionally restricted today. What I did eat was super high in protein but low in carbs. My body needs bread daily. My last therapist said when I restrict I need to eat bread. And it’s kinda dumb but also kinda true. Now I’m having a minor food restriction related meltdown. It’s not as bad as some of the other ones I’ve had. I was going to eat dinner. My mom is getting really tired of my dieting and calorie talking. She says I should be focusing on recovering from surgery and not trying to lose weight right now.

I’m going to get Dennys for dinner. I’ll get the sirloin steak with dinner bread and vegetables as sides that I’ll eat Tomorrow. Although eating the vegetables wouldn’t be a big deal. But this way I can have both protein and bread. I’m still under for the day but whatever at this point. I’ll go to the bakery in the morning for bread.

[Mountaindewed]

I didn’t binge today. I ate more then usual but it still wasn’t an outrageous amount and most of it was healthy foods with protein. I had a total hysterectomy which meant my ovaries were removed. So I now need to be on my injections for the rest of my life. I can’t go off them even for medical reasons or it will cause even bigger problems because I don’t have estrogen in me anymore. So developing diabetes or high cholesterol again could be really bad for me. So it’s been freaking me out a bit and I’ve been trying to focus on healthy eating even when I do get hungry and over eat a little bit. I wanted to get some Cheetos macaroni and cheese from Walmart in the morning. I’m not sure I will. Or else I’ll just eat it in moderation. I had a regular soda today but only one. I had a couple zero sugar cans but I also had a lot of hot unsweetened tea. I meet with my new therapist tomorrow and the office claims she works with people with EDs. So hopefully she will help me figure things out. I still don’t think I have a full blown out problem though. Not saying it couldn’t get that way though.

[Deilla]

I haven't been that hungry lately.

[MuddyBoots]

Ate my three meals yesterday, therapist would say I'm cured again because yesterday I had cereal, a granola bar, and half a bowl of soup yesterday, there's your MFing three meals.

[Deilla]

I did well yesterday.

[Mountaindewed]

I talked with my new therapist on Monday. The first thing I asked her was if she was ok with trans people and she said yeah. The second thing I asked her was if she knew about eating disorders and she said “yeah and if I have a question I can ask my supervisor.” I told her how much I ate and she said “um that’s how much your supposed to be eating.” I told her about the safe foods and all that. But I’ve been eating better on my own lately. I just try to eat healthy now but still with give myself one treat a day. I haven’t had too many food restriction meltdowns since the 1st. So I’m not sure. I guess this thing just comes and goes. She asked for my height and my weight and I told her what I wanted to get down to and she didn’t say anything about it.

It’s just so confusing because to some people they are like “yeah you have an issue” to other people it’s just normal dieting. For me I go back and forth on it. Currently what I think I’m doing is just normal stuff. My mom says I’m not eating enough and I need to talk to my new T about it. I mean do people with EDs think they have a problem?

did okay yesterday.

I think though a lot of it was down to a bad stomach in the morning, not really that hungry

even when it got better though all I had was a few burgers, so..

[Mountaindewed]

I was low yesterday on food. I wasn’t very hungry because I was nauseated. I ate an entire bag of spaghetti squash and a string cheese for dinner. I took my meds and then just went to bed. I woke up a few hours ago kind of thirsty and hungry. So I had a coke and a donut. Then I didn’t want to go back to sleep so I had a glass of cold brew pumpkin coffee. I have my meals planned out for today and it took a bit of figuring out because I kept coming up low. But I think I figured it out.

Yesterday I did not restrict on purpose. I just didn’t feel like eating for physical reasons.

I have 3 plastic containers full of chocolate and then some stuff I got from an exotic food place. But I haven’t been eating it. I’ve been eating the donuts though that I got the other day. I got a dozen to share with my family and I’ve had one everyday since I got them. So that is 3. And I have one more left for Tomorrow morning.

[Mountaindewed]

I got sensitive today regarding an appointment and I had a mini meltdown which I think could have been avoided if I had been eating enough these past few days. I ordered Chinese food for lunch I’ve just been picking at it. I haven’t been very hungry even though I need to eat.

[MuddyBoots]

ate a protein bar after climbing up and down cliffs for 3 hours. At this point I have like no clothes that fit except sweats/PJs with a working drawstring. I downplayed my messed up eating behaviors at my pnurse appt this morning and I really wish I hadn’t.

[Deilla]

I was too tired to prepare food this morning, so I was ill from not eating. I ended up with a bowl of cereal.

[Mountaindewed]

I wonder if hoarding food is part of a non binge ED. I have big storage bins filled with snacks and ramen and then a lot of soups and cans of potato’s and other stuff on the shelf’s. I have 3 little plastic bins filled to the top with candy. Then I have a lot of soda and Gatorade. The fridge is completely full of soda and pudding and yogurt. The freezer isn’t overfilling but I do have a number of pints of ice cream and a lot of frozen vegetables. But the thing is I rarely actually eat any of that stuff. I’m always fooling around with it and organizing it.

Also I only do this with food. My room is spotless and my closet and dresser are very neat and I have plenty of room. My bookcase isn’t bad either. I have room on the shelfs for more books.

It’s just the food and soda I have an issue with.

[unaluna]

Is it hoarding though? We're not going out to restaurants or even grocery shopping like we used to. I used to have to replenish my cupboards with yogurt and canned tuna or chicken for sandwiches and fruit like every week. Now i order a few 12-packs of canned fruit and veg that i kinda mix and match, repeat the next month or so with something different.

They say a way to lose weight is to minimize variety. I hit the little grocery store in my apt bldg for variety, and i will amazon candy or cookies, eat them all over a period of time, then not have any until i order again. Im slowly losing, which is still better than gaining. And my bingeing is way down. Sometimes i do eat more, but thats usually because i eat my first meal late. Its hard for me to be consistent about breakfast, but that really is the most positive thing i do for myself. Today i had bread and jelly - not ideal, but at least i ate. It should mean a very light night.

[Mountaindewed]

The restricting got really out of hand yesterday. Today is better. I’m eating Chinese food that I’ve just been picking at all day. But I had fruit and protein earlier.

[Deilla]

I just don't want to cook. I may open a can of soup.

I feel a terrible binge coming on. I ate 2000 cals yesterday and today trying to stave it off until I can restrict again. but I still feel like I could eat maybe 4000 more.

I would still gain on 2000 since I'm a small person who isn't currently active. hope this goes away tomorrow. I'm going for a walk with no money to the market to see if maybe that satisfies me or makes me less enamored with the idea of food

I do want to go for a run to burn off what I ate but I feel like I had some kind of exercise bulimia and I know it would put me in a bad mindset and I'm afraid I haven't recovered from my tendonitis yet.

I had a terrible binge. i am still in the middle of my binge. i was upset after speaking to my family

[Deilla]

I'm doing fine today. I cooked a meal this afternoon.

[Mountaindewed]

I think things don’t go good if I have a candy bar and regular soda. Especially for breakfast. I haven’t eaten a ton today and I’m feeling it right now. I’ve been drinking protein shakes that my therapist recommended and slim fast as well. I’ve had pasta today so I’ve had carbs as well. I’m not sure quite what I need right now but I don’t want soda or candy. I could probably use a Gatorade since I’m probably dehydrated. I haven’t had a lot of water or tea today. I’ve had a lot of diet and zero sugar soda. My therapist is encouraging healthy weight loss.