[beth16]

I want this cycle to stop. This is causing my too much grief and agony, but I don't know how to ask for help.

[Rapunzel]

Beth, I noticed your post, and wanted you to at least have a reply to it. I think that it is a request for help. Can you tell us a little more about what kind of help you would like? The people here can be very supportive, and you will be safe talking to them. Or are you thinking about how to ask for treatment IRL? I just want you to know that you do deserve help, and you deserve to get better.

TC,
Rap

[rdartist]

I was sorry to read your reply about not having anyone else to talk this over with, so here's my two cents:

You said last week that you actually lost some weight but were still unhappy. So maybe the problem you are struggling with isn't your weight? And maybe this realization is what lead to the panic that you wrote about?

In reading up a bit on ED's in an effort to help my daughter, I've found more than a few experts who say that the eating behavior is actually not the true problem in many cases. Their claim is that the ED behavior is a reaction to the seeming inability to solve or control the true underlying problem.

Could this be what going on for you? This is why I'm thinking you need to consult with someone with the proper credentials in order to help you get to the bottom of all of this.

Although it's tough, but as a parent I would be open to talk to my kids about absolutely anything--and I wouldn't judge them or think less of them one bit for coming to me with whatever was bothering them. I would be happy to help them in whatever way I could--either helping them deal with their problems directly or in helping them get any outside help that may be needed.

Good luck and understand that you are not alone in this--it's actually alot more prevalent than I ever thought. Take your time, settle down, don't panic, you'll get there. You've already taken the first steps.

[beth16]

I don't know if I want to really get help, but the more I continue to travel down this road the more depressed I seem to get. Yet I don't want to really open up to some one. That scares me to no end. This here is my only outlet to release tension at the moment...perhaps for ever. Thanks for responding. I have looked up places to get help, but I just can't seem to make that call.

[BalishBun]

I am sure if you got the help you needed, you would soon realise that you would have wanted it after all.

[rdartist]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
beth16 said:
I don't know if I want to really get help, but the more I continue to travel down this road the more depressed I seem to get. Yet I don't want to really open up to some one. That scares me to no end. This here is my only outlet to release tension at the moment...perhaps for ever. Thanks for responding. I have looked up places to get help, but I just can't seem to make that call.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

How about a book? Maybe a bit of reading on ED's will help de-mystify some of what you are going through. With more of an understanding you might not be so afraid to start unraveling this thing.

Talk about being afraid of what a doctor might find--here's one for ya:

A few years ago, as I was driving (going about 65) on a highway, I suddenly started seeing double and saw everything spinning in front of me. It got so bad that I couldn't keep the car straight so I pulled off to the shoulder and dialed 911. As I sat in the car, sea-sick from the spinning, I convinced myself that this was "It"--The big one--I was pretty sure that a blood vessel had just ruptured in my head or that I was having a stroke and that my days amongst the living would soon be over.

When we got the hospital, they wheeled me in and an intern pulled out a pen light and told me to try to follow it with my eyes. I thought it odd that they could diagnose my "brain problem" with a simple pen light, but I did as I was told.

After a couple seconds, the intern casually stood up and said "Vertigo--third case I've seen today" he then gave me a two sentence explanation of what vertigo was (fluid in my inner ears had messed up my balance) and told me to go home, rest and that it would go away on it's own.

It took a solid week for it go away, but once I knew what was going on (made perfect sense to me) the fear, panic and all the crazy thoughts went away.

Although nauseous in a wheel chair with my eyes closed and the "chuck bucket" on my lap, I have to say that I was probably THE happiest person to leave that hospital that day.

[RozG]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
beth16 said:
I don't know if I want to really get help, but the more I continue to travel down this road the more depressed I seem to get. Yet I don't want to really open up to some one. That scares me to no end. This here is my only outlet to release tension at the moment...perhaps for ever. Thanks for responding. I have looked up places to get help, but I just can't seem to make that call.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

you've made a big step just by coming here and admitting you need help. maybe being here will soon give you the strength you need to ask for help IRL?

never give up and never forget we're here for you and we do care.

hang in there ((((((beth))))))

[beth16]

What is an IRL? Sorry ignorance is bliss. Thanks guys for your comments. Today I got the release from my ortho doc to go to the gym... the thing I fear is that with my extreme calorie restriction and now my freedom to work out that this cycle will fully engulf any since of normalcy I may have left. However, for some strange reason, today it doesn''t seem to bother me. I am just happy that I have recovered from my accident and am able to resume working out. My eating cycle has routine for now....Is that sick?

[RozG]

Hi Beth

IRL means "in real life". And i can understand you're eating cycle probs feeling like routine for now coz you're just so happy you've recovered from your accident and can resume working. I hope maybe being able to resume work will give you the boost you need. Good luck to you with resuming work...but don't forget we're here for you to celebrate the good and support thru the bad.

[beth16]

Thanks, Kalamity. I have been working - I just get to work out at the gym and exercise. I just got done and I feel alright yet shaky. Thanks again for being there.

[BalishBun]

hang in there beth, you need help we got ya!

[beth16]

Good day............why is it that when my confidence builds the next day WHAMMO...down goes my defense....... I lose it all ... I lost control .....my own confidence is shattered like glass being dropped from 40 feet above. FOOD.. the devil it is....I am sorry.... Is my life nothing but a playground. I want to tell me psychy to QUIT messing around...MAKE IT STOP!!!

[beth16]

why do i let my confidence get so flippin high. today i crashed and burned....i doubled my calorie intake then worked out double...then ate more then purged ...then took laxxies...I thought I was doing better for.... a day.... why not forever......

[RozG]

((((Beth)))) one day at a time....don't beat yourself up over this. take a deep breathe, start again, don't be so hard on yourself and don't forget to praise yourself for each good day. and sorry if this is no help but it's all i got for you. hang in there...you CAN do this...NEVER give up...and we're here for you.

[beth16]

thanks kalamity...showing that you care through writing a response is help....thanks so much

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( beth ))))))))))))))

[rdartist]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
beth16 said:
What is an IRL? Sorry ignorance is bliss. Thanks guys for your comments. Today I got the release from my ortho doc to go to the gym... the thing I fear is that with my extreme calorie restriction and now my freedom to work out that this cycle will fully engulf any since of normalcy I may have left. However, for some strange reason, today it doesn''t seem to bother me. I am just happy that I have recovered from my accident and am able to resume working out. My eating cycle has routine for now....Is that sick?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Not sick at all and, from what you have been saying, it appears to make perfect sense. Your ability to exercise makes you feel better about yourself because it puts you back in control.

With a trusted captain back at the helm, your ship can now chart it's course using logic and good judgement.

WIth the panic and desperation over, maybe now is the time to try to answer the "why?" part of all of this?