[itsjustme111]

What a bad weekend. This is the first time I have EVER binged. I ate so much at once. Of course I forced it away. But the pain... lots of blood, which really startled me. I have had blood but never this much. And its just continued from there. Not any more binges but the throwing up even liquids. I like slush, or slurpies. I had one today, and couldn't hold it in.

I am so afraid to go see the doctor on Monday. I really tried and just completely lost it. Now I feel like I am further back then I ever was. I don't understand what triggered this. I have never binged like this.

My back feels like its breaking. It hurts right to the bones. Chest pains big time. And this lump in my neck is so weird. I thought maybe I was imagining things but I asked my bf to feel it and he went white. I am glad to have this mamogram coming up. But afraid of whats happening in my body. I feel like I deserve this, if its something really bad, well I am handed what is coming. Sounds terrible and I guess I need another kick. But I am just feeling a little down and hopeless. (I suck at spelling, sry).

I have had this lump in my throat, (from wanting to cry), I am trying to hold it back. It gives me such a wicked head ache when I cry and I already have a bad enough one. My heart feels empty and it hurts emotionally inside. See, I couldn't do even with all these people counting on me. I let them down and myself. I have lost a significant amount of weight again. This is not good.

Justy--Just wanted to say sorry for all of the posts, I see that I have many. Sorry, please bare with me. Thanks all.

[eskielover]

Justy,

Sorry you had such a bad weekend. Guess you tried to hard to do what your dr wanted & went overboard to the point where you had a "set back".

You DON'T DESERVE this pain, but sometimes it comes with a set back in order for you to remember what it feels like. That way the next time, you will remember the pain you felt & realize that you really don't want to do it again.

Remember that this was only a "set back" & you have NOT let anyone down unless you give up now & quit (which I'm sure you won't do).

What you need to do now is to relax & let out the cry, then try to releive that nasty head ache. Don't even think about eating anything until you are feeling better. Once you have yourself back together, you can start up again. Remember that you are already farther ahead than in the past because you have your support group in place to get you back on track immediately.

This is a normal proccess in the recovery & even your doctor realizes that it doesn't happen over night. The only thing he will be concerned with is your health, & will take the proper action to keep you safe.

One oops is not the end, just the beginning of the rest of your recovery. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Hope this helps a little,
Debbie

[itsjustme111]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Debbie)))))))))))))))))))))))) so sweet you are.

I am feeling better this morning about the whole weekend. I got some much needed rest and can look at it a little differently.

You are 100% correct. I hope my doctor see's this too. He is a really good doctor, so I am sure he won't be too upset. Its the fact that I have to take in this intake tomorrow am, I am worried. He will insist that I keep going for the IV's and I was crossing my fingers that I was able to get through this weekend with success so I could dis-continue these. But I can't see that happening.

The problem is, I had a job interview, and was offered a position. I really wanted to take some of my focus and aim towards not just the negative things that I need to work through, but get some balance with other things. I ended up turning down this job in the end only because it would be hard on my back. But I have a interview on Tuesday with the store I really wanted to work at.

I felt really great handing out a couple of resume's, and both called me in a day. I love working, being out in the "real world". Its only part time, and its at a retail store. I need this. I am also getting a membership at the rec center for the kids and myself. Well all of us, bf too. Its a family pass that's good for a year. They have so many wonderful programs; sports (which I love), crafts, swimming, acquatics, and the list goes on. We need to have some fun, to live for once in a long time. Then maybe I can say to myself, "Well I can't take laxatives, I have a job, and we are going to do activites; so I can't take these or I will be stuck at home." And if I keep starving myself, how can I function doing these things?

What I am saying is, I want more then this. I want more then this for my family. I love doing all these things I just talked about, and I miss it. I don't want to be depressed all the time, with only thinking about Elizabeth being sick. There is more to life, and its important for my kids to know that mom is going to be alright. Maybe with some normality for them, for all of us, this light that keeps going out will stay bright for longer. Sure I will have to replace this light everynow and again, but those are the minor "duties" (so to speak). At least I can reach this light instead of trying so darn hard to get to it and just get knocked down and set back. Do I make sense??

Don't get me wrong, please. I am not saying that I don't need help and that I am not going to deal with these issues. I do need help, but not just this focus. I think having a balance is important. So if I keep walking and falling in the path I have decided to stay in right now, I will never find the others, the ones with my goals along the way. I want to find these paths and have more of a life.

One day, I want to write a book. I would love to be able to help others get through the tough times in life and see that there is so much more for us. I really want to have more in place where I live for eating disorders. When I feel recovered, and I know I can fall back, I really would like to set up some kind of outreach center for people with this illness. Its a goal, and its far from the now. Isn't that what goals are though?? Not just a goal, but a dream.

So doesn't this sound like living?? I sure think it does.

One opps is not the end, nor 2 or 3.... just a learning process. I know I can do it, just like all of you trying to fight for your well deserved lives.

I am thinking of all of you, have a great day,

Justy

[eskielover]

Sorry it has taken me awhile to get back with you. My horses have taken up most of my day.

I am glad that rest helped you to see the situation more realistically. I wish the best for your job interview on Tues. As you have realized, when you have responsibilities outside of concentrating on the eating problem, you then don't have time to dwell on it.

I know my psychologist keeps telling me that I have to be well in order for me to be there for my animals who are relying on me for care. He also points out that I can't be successful in school if I am sick all the time like the last time.

I know he is right since my 1 month old filly just injured her leg with a wound that went down to the bone. It requires antibiotics 2x/day, & cleaning & wrapping the wound daily. I realize that I need all the strength I can get to deal with my 3 1100 lb beasts & that curious little filly who is constantly getting into trouble.

With all this realization, I am still having problems. Like you, I am nervous about my appointment with my GP this week. He told me not to lose any more weight, & I have lost the same amount as last month. Guess I'll see how that goes in a few days. I'll deal with my pdoc who wants to put me on meds to gain weight next week. I just can't go there.

You have so many good ideas for your future. Helping people with similar conditions as you have is probably a frustrating but rewarding job. Try spending some time to make plans for these ideas to be formed into goals. You may find that by spending time outside of your current condidion may help you recover easier because you won't be spending so much time thinking about the present.

Just more thoughts,
Debbie

[itsjustme111]

Wow Debbie, you are a busy gal. Sounds like a lot of work dealing with your animals. Poor baby, hope she gets better.

You sound like an amazing person, very strong. I understand who you feel about your appointment with the doc. Makes us kind of face it, doesn't it??

Thanks for the wishes on the job interview. I am nervous though.

This entire weekend was a write off. I had a really bad experince today. Put it this way, too many laxatives, and the wonderful part was that I was out in public. I just wanted to become invisible.

But to top it all off, I hurt my daughter. We had to first run home so I could deal with that little mess, then go back out to the grocery store (my least favorite place). So what happens, I was closing the car door and I didn't see my little babies hand in there. It was too late. Slam right on her fingers. Instant tears poured from her. I tried to look at them but she wouldn't let me, she was afraid of me touching them. I kept saying sorry, asking her if she was okay, and begged her to let me see. It was not too bad, very red and somewhat swollen. I told her we could skip the store and head home. She said no cause we were buying things to bake for halloween. I always make stuff with the kids and they take goodies to school. It took a few mins and she was okay.

I had to giggle, she says, "Mom, its not the first time is it?" I was like, you little farter. I had slammed her fingers in the door when she was about 4yrs old. We were going to the fair that day. I don't think she will ever forget that one. It cut through her fingers with instant bruising. I remember holding her, on the ground, rocking her back and forth until I could grab someone to help. They ran and got the medical nurse at the med station. They helped me take her to the station, iced it, stopped the bleeding, and on our way we went. But her day just kept getting worse. She wanted to stay, so we did. She went down that huge slide (I refused to go on that thing) and as she went down she held the metal bar on the side. By the time she reached the bottom, blisters covered her other hand. So she had both hands a mess. Poor, poor dear. We can laugh about it now.

Anyway, its 2:20am and I should try to get some sleep. Have to be up at 6. I didn't finish the intake for my doc. What's the point? I have it all written down, just messy. I record it on a different paper so he can read it; lolol. He keeps it in my file. I don't want to go but I have too.

Hope your day goes better for you. Good luck with taking care of those animals. They are wonderful.

Justy

[itsjustme111]

Well see, I got myself all worried for nothing. Well its a worry but my doctor seems to be taking a new approach. He was great today. I even felt comfortable enough to be more like myself.

I made several jokes, I am normally like that. I had him laughing with eased things.

Well, looking at the paper, my max was 1200ml. He was hoping for 2000ml. He said as long as I don't get below the 1200, we will stop the IV's.

So I have to go for blood work. I am doing that later on. I have to go out anyway. I do need to continue with the intake reports. So every 2 days I have to go in. He wants to monitor it closely.

So this is not too bad. My fears are much more settled. (sigh).

Justy

[wisewoman]

Hey Justy, you are doing! and yes, You are alive. Good job and I know it ain't easy but I see so much hope in your words. I am thinking great things for you. By the way, throw out the laxatives and when you are temted to buy more remember you can't afford them because you need money to buy food , costumes and such for the kids. Shouldn't ever waste money right? Peace my Dear

[itsjustme111]

Yes, I have done that before. Flushed the darn things. But then we all know what happened from there.

Its a bad night tonight. I am sure tomorrow will come and I will feel better, so ignore my blundering.

I do have hope, just can't find it all the time. hmmm, someday maybe???

Justy

[eskielover]

Justy,

Glad you Dr is being very reasonable. He sees you trying hard. Bet you are glad to end those IV's. I hate them because no one can find my veins, & end up trying 3/4 times. About that time I'm ready to throw them across the room.

Glad your fears did not come true today. Hope your interview goes well tomorrow, & your Dr appointments turn out well in a few days.

Like Wise says...."throw out the laxatives when you are tempted". You really don't want the problems that they can cause because it is something you will have to live with the rest of your life, & isn't pleasant to deal with.

Hope you feel better tomorrow,
Debbie

[adieuolivaw]

Dear Justy:

Somewhere between the gorgeous curves of the women in the Rubens paintings --- and where you are today --- there is the image of a healthy and beautiful woman, one you can invent and choose to love as the "best" you.

Yes, I said CHOOSE. Choose life. Choose health. Choose beauty. Then let the weight issue go.

If you hold that beautiful image in your mind, feeling that you actually ARE that person, your actions will adjust to shape your body to fit that image.

Ask your T about active visualization. I think you are the perfect candidate for it. It involves CALLING UP IMAGES OF (seeing and hearing and tasting and touching and feeling) your new self and the life you have chosen.

As the painters of the ages have always known, womanly flesh is beautiful. Eating is only a way to allow that flesh to be healthy and also beautiful, while appreciating the taste of food at the same time. Eating should not be a control issue.

I hear you talking about SOMEONE ELSE'S VISION for you...about your doctor's expectations. That sets up a tug of war --- in which you ultimately take control by losing weight again.

You need YOUR OWN VISION: a beautiful, healthy, curvaceous woman---with all the love of life and sexiness that implies. Weight has nothing to do with it. And you need to hold that vision in your heart and mind every single day of your life until it manifests itself right before your eyes --- which it will.

Take it from a formerly toothpick thin person who graduated to binge eating and then to yo-yo dieting and finally to dropping weight control games. I don't need control. I have a neat self-image, which I feel is the real me. That self-image has its own autopilot --- which sets and resets and shapes my behavior on its journey to manifesting the inner me. It's completely effortless!

There is great joy in such letting go. I would want such joy for you also, Justy. Don't be afraid of the sexiness and power that you will have to deal with --- when your image manifests itself. If your image is that of a responsible person, you will deal with such power responsibly.

Love,
Adieu