[ThePainNeverDies]

I have only put one thread on here so far, and Iknow it's... time I added another one...

I feel so stupid and guilty for my boyfriend... Because he's been trying to get me to eat again, the last time he did that, I went on a one week binge.. UGH!!! but just yesterday, feeling more determined to become thin, I was looking up thinspiration and I feel so bad for him, but yet I'm so desperate to be thinner...

I'm a singer/songwriter and I need to have a nice figure to be able to go up on stage and be like by the media and in order to get signed... Plus, I need to have goo self-esteem and confidence onstage...

Which... Is why I'm not eating at all next week and I'm trying to come up with ideas not to go to my boyfriend's next weekend.. I'm planning on getting a friend to come shopping with me on Saturday and then I have a big clean and tidy of my place on Sunday... With no food included...

I wish that I oculd feel good about myself and believe it when people say I have curves in all the right places and that I have just the right size belly, and a size 10 is great for a 16, nearly 17-year old...But I can't just acept it, I don't want to be "average", that's boring, I want to be less than average, then I'd feel thin and better about myself... Does that make sens?

And I'm sorry if I'm triggering anyone, but I needed to get it out...

[wishfulmuscle]

oh sweetie..

Not eating is going to slow down your metabolism, and your fat cells will enlarge.. what you need to do to take a more healthy route is to eat something small every 2 hours. It will kick start that metabolism and you'll burn more calories in a healthier way.. and keep you functioning throughout the day..

if you've got no energy, how can you sing out that last long note? im no singer, but i am an athlete and know that not eating hasnt gotten me anywhere (not that being bulimic has gotten me any farther)

Take it from someone who's been there.. you can only push people away for so long, and then they wont even be sensitive towards why you push them away.. try talking to him about how you feel, and tell him that trying to change your mind isnt going to work.. maybe he'll understand..?

please try to take care of yourself hun.. and good luck with your career. If you've got the voice, everything else Shouldnt matter.

lots of love and support

[Christina86]

(((((TPND)))))))))))

Being average is okay. I know it doesn't seem like that, but its come to a sad point where the media glorifies those who are seriously underweight... which destroys the self-esteem of a lot of people. But if you want to be successful as a singer/songwriter - you're going to want to be able to have the stamina to be able to keep up with that sort of demanding lifestyle.

I think your boyfriend is trying to help, but that maybe he doesn't know how to help in the best way... because dealing with an ED, that's a power struggle.

Does your doctor know, and/or do you have a therapist or anyone to talk to about this?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I have tried explaining to my bf that he's not going the right way about it, tried giving him information on it, but he gets annoyed with me for doing accuses sites that help the supporters of someone with an ED, of being pro-ana/mia sites...

My doctor doesn't know yet, neither does my counsellor, and no, I don't have a therapist, despite me telling the doctor that I am suicidal and have been for 3 years...

I don't feel able to talk to anyone because I know what they're going to say, they're not going to help me with it just say "well you're not going the right way about it, the right way would be to eat a normal, healthily balanced diet, not to stop eating" yes, I know that already! I don't need telling again! I need to know how to stop feeling inadequate, stop comparing myself to others, stop competing with my "friend"

I don't know what to do...

[wishfulmuscle]

I'm 19, and i still go to my pediatrition. ( call me a baby but i havent found anyone good enough to replace her ) I was lucky to be comfortable enough with her to be able to bring it up... and it really gave me a will to get better. Talking is definately my defense mechanism against it all...

i took myself off of my depression medicine, and almost took things too far and started to act suicidal not too long ago, and everytime i clammed up about it, it always managed to get the best of me, but as soon as i spoke up.. it helped a little.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Well I have an appointment on Friday, I will try and open up about it... It's just I DON'T want to get better yet because I have promised everyone that I will only get help when I get to that weight, that size and then I'll get help, I have promised that and I will not break my promise...

I want to just be comfrotable with myself...

[wishfulmuscle]

Creating a close bond with someone creates a promise to be there for them.. if you destroy yourself because of ED, you wont be able to be there for the ones you love.

I think breaking a promise like this is worth saving friendships and your health.. just consider. i know what its like to not be comfortable in your own skin but i promise, even when you lose weight you still wont be satisfied

[ThePainNeverDies]

But I wont destroy myself, I will make sure that I don't...

I just want to feel liek I can control the things I eat and how much etc, I want to feel like I can lose weight if I want to..

I put others before me anyway, so I will be there for others, I have been more recently when things are completely devastatingly tough for me and yes, I do, feel like giving up, but I won't because I know that will destroy people...

[Christina86]

(((((((((TPND))))))))))))

Nobody can stop you, you have to do it yourself. I applaud you for taking so many big steps! I hope your appt goes well, do let us know how it goes.

Be well, and try to be safe.

[ThePainNeverDies]

It's not that I want anyone to stop me, not yet anyway, or even to help me yet...

Thanks.. I hope it goes well, too, and will let you know how it does go

*hugs for everyone!*

[Alaizabel]

You are doing a really brave thing. When I told my mom about not being able to eat, I burst into tears and was barely able to get out a sentence. Kudos to you, lovely!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks, I have been eating for the past few days.. Like, forcing myself not to look at calorie contents.. This is to please my bf and my counsellors and stuff, to make me feel better, for making them happy.. Yet.. I'm.. Not happy because I want to be thinner.. I'm a size 8-10 trouser and 10-12 top, but despite people telling me that this is really quite far below averag (the trouser size), I still want to get thinner.. I want to be on at least a size 8 bottom...

So.. I'm back into restricting my calorie intake.. But.. I know that I will stop that as soon as me and my bf get back together (we went on a break so that we could both sort out our depression and get back into a happier, healthier relationship), I will start trying to eat properly again, I will make sure I see an ED specialist, but for now.. I just need to lose 4 lbs more and I'll be over the moon, I'll be as happy as ever!!

This isn't terribly bad, because I think it's still in the average area of BMI calculations..

Am I being really stupid? Or can I do this and still be safe?