im sooo afraid!!

Hello, im new and ive been reading some of the posts and no one seems to be like me.. Somebody help!! Im not sure of whats wrong with me. The thing is: I hate my boobs (i want to be a boy) and the only thing i could think of to reduce them was to be very thin, i made it and now i weight about 30 kg. Im 18 and i managed to hide the anorexia from my family and i was able to even fool the doctor and medical tests. Im really happy being this thin, but recently i've been overeating (this hurts so bad) cause im scared of getting caught. Im searching for help now cause later it will be harder to get over, but i cant tell nobody (specially my mom). My mind is not that estable, and suicidal thoughts are always here!! i would love to kill mysel but i dont have a gun. Im stuck cause i dont want to be healthy, but i dont want to stay this way (the binge crisis and all..) Can somebody give me tips to gradually stop the overeating thing??

see a nutritionist. I have heard that eating 3 times a day instead of starving all day and binging at night helps. Your blood sugar stays regulated when you eat more frequently and you are less likely to binge. You also should be working with a therapist to help you with your depression/suicidal thoughts. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you if you take acition to fix this now.
Good luck

stay strong, im trying to kick a bingeing habit myself..

i know that it's so hard to handle this, but you need to stay strong
meet other people who have the same problem
i have the same issue
try to eat something healthy if you want to eat
`wheat bread
`celery
`vegetables
`fruit
`oatmeal
`salads
`whole grained foods
this is what i try to do
it seems to be helping me find better ways to eat healthier
try meal replacement bars
you will get your vitamins and minerals needed to stay healthy and keep thin and not so hungry like binging

But the problem... is the feeling too. In some moments i filled my stomach with fruits... that gives me.. the run.. whole grain foods... that gives me... the runs.. veggies... that too... gives me the run. So i changed them for sugar, now im a chocoaddict. And i mixed everything (healthy and unhealthy) ... that makes me so sick: my head hurts, i cant breath, the runs, its awful!! Could this be anxiety? or depression? Why a part of me sabotages the other one????

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marcelodlanod said:
Hello, im new and ive been reading some of the posts and no one seems to be like me.. Somebody help!! .... Can somebody give me tips to gradually stop the overeating thing??

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Good for you for asking for help! That is a wonderful first step.

Please find a lisenced therapist in your area who specializes in eating disorders. Your doctor should be able to provide an appropriate referral. Your suicidal thoughts need to be taken very seriously, then you can start working on loving who you are and getting healthy.

Please take good car of yourself! Do you have someone safe you can talk to if your thoughts get more serious or if you start thinking about acting on them? Sharing that information with someone IRL (in real life) who can help is the most important thing.

Do take care,
- ft

Try to do things in moderation... eat a little fruit with a little grain with a little vegetable... at the same meal. Too much of anything might just be "too" much.

But that really isn't your real problem, that you don't like yourself is. You might be using your body and sex as an excuse for wanting to be "someone" else and not you. It won't matter what you look like if you won't like yourself anyway. I agree, find someone to talk to about these feelings. At the very least, being a journal or blog and begin writing them down so you can see what you are saying and what's going on with yourself.

Do you have a counselor through the school you can contact? The principal is usually available, even when school is not in session. Having thoughts of suicide is not normal, and not healthy as you know. You don't really want to end you life, I bet, but want your life as you are living it to end, to change. A therapist can help you do that.

i dont think we are that different from each other, besides that you're thin and im just 'average.'

binging sucks.. and i think i binge because i hate myself as well. and i know getting any larger than i am currently will make myself hate me even more-so i purge.

i'd rather look like a boy too. (i dont have boobs so not on the same page there!) i just love the no hips and thin curvless look.

pm me if you want to talk!

Thanks so much guys.. but my reason to be a member of PC is because i have no one... to talk in real life.. or whatever... My personality is.. well, i dont talk about my things with nobody.. just to you and thats because you dont know me, and you cant see me. I tried to keep a journal, and i hated it... 'cause it just showed me that i get worse everyday ..i do not want to keep a record of that... I cant afford a therapist, im tryin to get a scholarship (so i wont talk to ..a counselor ..in my college)... And the suicidal thing, hadent happend yet just because im curious.. you know.. the false hope of ever be happy... 'the storm comes before the calm'.. blah blah... And of course i dont want to be myself.. existing is stupid and usless.. -excuse my expression, this is.. not to depress anybody... this is my philosophy, really.. im sorry, you.. be happy!!-

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marcelodlanod said:
And the suicidal thing, hadent happend yet just because im curious.. you know.. the false hope of ever be happy...

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I am glad to hear about your curiosity. It is a wonderful thing! Indeed, you never know how wonderful the future might be if you just stick around long enough.

I don't know where you live, but most everywhere I can imagine counselors are held to a very high standard of confidentiality and I can't imagine that seeking counseling would affect a scholarship.

Do you have a doctor (a primary care doctor or pediatrician or anyone)? It sounds like your health may be at risk because of your low weight and digestive problems. Please take care of yourself!

Yes.. there are doctors.. but, i dont know if i mentioned it: i managed to fool them!! both medical tests and doctors!! I dont want nobody to know, im already in hell.. & i dont want to make it worse.
Im not worry about suicidal thoughts... im worry about the overeating thing and ..how much ..it can destroy me. I guess its true what someone here said... there is no point in doing anything if im not going to like myself anyway... oh boy, oh boy: im stuck.

Perhaps we ALL want look like boys because my aim too is to look boyishly slim with no hips. The problem is that it usually doesn't end that way because I swing from a lowish weight from starvation to a relatively much higher weight from binging.

However I've never been at such a low weight as you marcel and whatever your height, that is a very low weight at 30kg. The binging is happening because your body is desperate for calories after being deprived for so long. The problem is that (for me anyway) the binging is hard to break and for me has a annoying, frustrating and depressing tendency to go on for far too long (months). But I am not an anorexic so maybe things might be different for you.

So I suppose after all this I'm just saying I don't know what to say re: the overeating thing. The only thing I could suggest would probably be deleted. But seriously at 30kg and even at a small height, maintaining that weight could kill you.

uhmmm.... i dont feel like dying with my current weight... and i guess that quitting smoking is what drove me to binging... Is like.. taking one step forward and two backward... And im not tall.. so it doesnt show that much... But ultimately my hair has been falling from my head... (and im taking vitamins.. so i dont know why, it used to work...)
I walk while im sleeping.. i cant concentrate... Are does side effects of overeating or... does it means i seriously need a T?...

no sweetie those are side effects of your body not getting nutrients it needs!

marcelodlanod,

Wishful is right! Those sound like side effects of starvation! Here is a list of the physical effects of anorexia:

Effects of anorexia
"The severe calorie restriction of anorexia has dire physical effects. When the body doesn’t get the fuel it needs to function normally, it goes into starvation mode. It slows down to conserve energy and turns in on itself for essential nutrients. In essence, the body begins to consume itself. As the self-starvation continues and more body fat is lost, the medical complications pile up.

The first physical signs and effects of anorexia are:
Loss of menstrual periods
Lack of energy and weakness
Feeling cold all the time
Dry, yellowish skin
Constipation and abdominal pain
Restlessness and insomnia
Dizziness, fainting, and headaches
Growth of fine hair all over the body and face

Source: WomensHealth.gov

If anorexia continues unchecked, the health problems only get worse. Over time, anorexia causes hair loss, infertility, stunted growth, osteoporosis, heart problems, kidney failure, and death. Other effects of anorexia include tooth decay and gum damage from malnutrition and vomiting, and damage to the esophagus and larynx from acid reflux. Anorexia can also lead to depression, severe mood swings, and thoughts of suicide."

See if any of these sound familiar. Notice that hair loss is listed among the later symptoms. Check out the full webpage at:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anor..._treatment.htm

I am very worried about you. It sounds like the binging is not the problem. It sounds like the real problem is that you are restricting yourself to far too few calories. You do need to get to a T right away. A T can help you sort out reality from the distortions inspired by your disease. When people are anorexic they may believe they are overeating when in fact they are starving themselves.

Do take good care of yourself!
-FT

Thanks again fellowtraveler!!!
That web site is great, i discovered a lot of things, and... yes, all of that sounds familiar... So, im about to kick the bucket, huh?.. is that what it means? ... I want to see a T, specially now that, panic attacks are changing the color of some parts of my skin ..
But.. i know that im binging cause... i do really eat a lot!! Even some of my friends are like.. '..i've never saw you eating so much!!'.. and i can feel my heart in my stomach, i get dizzy!!! that is like indigestion or something.. for abusing food... so.. i dont think is distortion.. is just... so much stress and anxiety, and most of all: frustration...
You too take care FT, and thanks again!!