[Hellion]

Or is it just impossible to go a day without bothering people...I can go all day and then word something wrong to like my brother or something and then I get to feel stupid/embarrassed ect because I came off 'passive aggressive' by accidentally not wording something perfectly clear...or its always some little way I've screwed up trying to communicate. A lot of times I try to say something or ask something and people think I am trying to do this, or be that way ect and end up way off.

So I don't know just sick of bothering people, sick of getting almost to the end of a day and thinking 'oh good I haven't bothered anyone today' and boom...somethings gotta happen, I wonder why the f*** I even talk or say anything or try to meet people if I am just going to piss everyone off and never even know why and then not get it when people try to explain what was wrong with my wording or whatever...so then I get to feel like even more of an idiot. I actually had plans today just now feeling really self concious so not sure I want to follow through with those plans...don't need to set myself up for rejection and all that.

[Altered Moment]

Probably hard to figure out if it is their issue or it is really in the way you are communicating. Passive aggressive is anger coming out in all sorts of weird ways. Sarcasm being the most common. Tone of voice and little nuanced things and body language. I guess it takes a lot of self honesty to figure out if it is you or them. I used to want to record my daughter and the way she talked to her mother. if she heard herself on tape i am sure she would have been shocked. i never did it though. probably hard to video yourself because then you would be playing to the camera. if there is a pattern then maybe take a look at yourself and what you could do differently.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by Hellion

Or is it just impossible to go a day without bothering people...I can go all day and then word something wrong to like my brother or something and then I get to feel stupid/embarrassed ect because I came off 'passive aggressive' by accidentally not wording something perfectly clear...or its always some little way I've screwed up trying to communicate. A lot of times I try t...d plans today just now feeling really self concious so not sure I want to follow through with those plans...don't need to set myself up for rejection and all that.

I do know what you mean - I find it almost unconscious it slips out without thinking. The obvious answer is to think a bit before speaking - play for time, ask a question back, say you need to think about it, and "if in doubt don't".

Of course you might already do this and it still comes out wrong, in which case I am not sure what to think!

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Probably hard to figure out if it is their issue or it is really in the way you are communicating. Passive aggressive is anger coming out in all sorts of weird ways. Sarcasm being the most common. Tone of voice and little nuanced things and body language. I guess it takes a lot of self honesty to figure out if it is you or them. I used to want to record my daughter and the way she talked to her mother. if she heard herself on tape i am sure she would have been shocked. i never did it though. probably hard to video yourself because then you would be playing to the camera. if there is a pattern then maybe take a look at yourself and what you could do differently.

The last thing wasn't really anything about anger...just misunderstood something rather minor so thought at most I might have expressed confusion. But I don't know....Also I obsess over that sort of stuff already like 'what did I do wrong, what can I not do or do differently' and even to the point I am probably in danger of blaming things on myself that are more to do with other people. Doesn't help that I already feel like crap about myself if I am always looking for what I am doing wrong on top of that, besides when I do I still screw up, maybe I try too hard and should just quit trying to do things differently or not bother people. I'd like to think I am not that unbearable, if I am I should probably do everyone a favor and....not continue on too much longer so I hope its nothing to the degree you are descibing your daughter and her mom.

[ifst5]

The only sort of advice i have is the kind i follow myself - personally i just try and be civil with most people, you know, not get too involved and keep any kind of communication neutral and almost disinterested.

I come across very cold here and i know it rubs a lot of people up the wrong way but we all have our own ways of expressing and contributing to this place. PC for me is an outlet, somewhere i can come to try and be helpful in any way i can. Maybe it's good to keep this place in the back of your mind and think back to all the times you've assisted people in a more positive way.

[eskielover]

Now if functioning lables actually where about how one functioned I'd say my aspergers/autism would make me about mid functioning add the other mental conditions i have and I wouldn't even say I function to a medium level.

This is a quote taken from a post you posted in the autism/asperger's forum.......I think that this may be part of the foundation of the issues you are talking about here. Part of asperger's is misunderstanding what others say & taking them literally & from my personal experience living with someone for 33 years, it was very difficult for him to express himself & he was always coming across as passive aggressive even though I finally realize that he wasn't passive aggressive but it was the way his reactions came across through his behavior.

Think if you look logically at your situation & put it in relation to what you have been diagnosed with you might have a better understanding of yourself.....& if your family would learn more about you & what makes you react the way you do, they need to have a better understanding of you also.

Just a thought on a possible answer to your question.

[SnakeCharmer]

Hellion, it's not always about us or about what we're doing wrong. Sometimes it's a family dynamic where people in the household are extra-touchy and when they get tired or hungry or annoyed (about anything) it's almost impossible to say anything they won't take wrong.

We all make mistakes in the things we say ... we don't word it exactly right, we have a tone of voice that's not just right or our facial expression or body language shows we may be feeling tense or grouchy or irritated inside.

When I was growing up, I couldn't say anything right. I might say, "Please pass the bread" at the dinner table and my mother would snap, "Don't use that tone of voice with me, young lady, or you'll regret it."

Or I'd say, "How's it going?" to my sister and she'd shout, "As if you really care!"

I could not figure out what I was saying wrong. I even practiced saying things in front of a mirror, using as neutral a tone as possible. But it remained terrible, as if I was walking on eggshells all the time. And then there was the truth that when I felt tired or irritable or picked on myself, I would snap back or have bad tone or be sarcastic. When you feel like you can't do or say anything right, you do tend to get defensive.

I was not an innocent party. But the problem was all the tension in the home and the screwed-up family dynamic and everyone being ready to take offense at the slightest thing when they were feeling low or stressed. There was just too much stress.

I worked on myself, knowing I'd never get it perfect, and I decided to start giving my family members more slack when they acted irritable with me over small things. Instead of taking offense and reacting, I'd just tell myself to give them slack and let it go. I saved my energy for bigger things, the things that really mattered to me.

It's unlikely to be 100% you, Hellion. Sometimes families have a stressed dynamic. You can try your best, knowing you'll never be perfect, and give them some slack over small things. Take a look to see if you're feeling extra sensitive in the evening. That happens to a lot of people. Maybe the other members of your family, too.

Once I left home, I got along with people just fine. But my family interactions remained all tense and conflicted. I finally figured out it was the family dynamic that was to blame, not just me. I was part of it, but not the cause. That was reassuring.

[eskielover]

SnakeCharmer......you are exactly right....the family dynamics can magnify & create problems out of things that only could be problems if the environment takes them to that place.........It's not 100% us or 100% them.....it's the mixture when it comes all together that's usually when the problem's arise......it's important to look at ourselves & understand what might be our own issues as in reality, we can only change us not them....having an understanding of self & them is a very good idea

[MotownJohnny]

SnakeCharmer, so very true. I get along great with almost everyone EXCEPT my family. It's like I am two different people, the great guy everyone else likes, and the miserable loser that is just such a disgrace he can barely be tolerated.