Extreme attachment/infatuation

So I wanted to talk about something very specific in this post. This is about my issues with extreme infatuation. I find it to be damaging, and very distressing.

I'm 18 years old, and for as long as I can remember, I've always developed absolute intense infatuations. It's consuming, the infatuation I have becomes the centre of my world, and all I think about. At the start, it's all joy and rainbows. Everything is great. Everything is perfect, they are perfect, they made my life perfect. They are my soulmate, they are my God. In my eyes, it's almost as if they become higher than human, compared to them I am scum. I feel so upbeat, almost have a kind of emotional high at the start of it all. Every little bit of attention or gratification I get from them makes me feel just a little bit more worthy. I want to clarify that I tend to develop infatuations with unavailable people, mainly authority figures. Most the time, the a relationship with them isn't even possible, yet I convince myself that they are my soul mate.

Well, after a few weeks of all this, things almost always turn nasty. Something will happen. Usually, I get the idea that I'm not really that important to them, or that they give attention to others, which means I'm just another number in their mind. I have the desire to be the centre of their world, just as they are mine. So once I get the hint I'm not, whether it's them giving attention to others, them talking about their family, etc, then I go into an extreme depressive state, where I feel worthless and suicidal. I tend to also become extremely possessive, I will experience homicidal thoughts about the other people the infatuation gives attention to, just so I can have him/her to myself. I almost think of them as just an object to give me love and attention, rather than a human being. I sometimes forget that they have thoughts, feelings, likes/dislikes etc. This comes across as horrible, I know.

I also eventually begin to hate my infatuation, for whatever reason. Where I had once thought they were my whole world and my guardian angel before they suddenly become horrible people: assholes, *****s, etc. This is usually brought on if they suddenly criticize me, or if they ignore me in order to give someone else attention

The gender of the person doesn't matter I've recently found, as long as they fit the position to give me individual, specialized affection, and they are attractive, then I will fall for them.

So after a few months, then things just get increasingly worse. Whether I'm given attention or not during the day will either make or break my day. Usually the triggers of a rage/depression episode with suicidal thoughts will be if they don't seem as upbeat around me as they usually are (makes me scared they no longer like me) when they don't contact me as much as they used to, if they treat other people the same as me, give others more attention, criticize me (I feel like they're implying I'm worthless) and much more.

One other thing I'm worried about is that soon I will be having to leave my current infatuation in about 2 months or so, which is gonna be especially hard to deal with. I don't know how I'm gonna cope. They are what have been filling the void, and making me feel alive again. I find that every time an infatuation leaves me for whatever reason, I feel so empty and devoid of any life. However, I know that, like always, I will find someone else to replace them, almost immediately. Then the same feelings are passed on, and the cycle repeats.

So I don't know what the do. I've experienced this my whole life, and have never really told anyone. It's usually the primary reason for my self harm and a lot of my mood swings/suicidal thoughts. I almost want to believe this isn't normal so that I can get some kind of help for it. I want there to be a name for it.

I want to mention that my mother died about 5 years ago, when I was 13. I don't suppose this could be a reason for my issues with attachment? and the seeking of a mother figure? I don't know, what do you think?

Thanks for reading.

Hello Zygara,

You have a huge amount of insight into what is happening here. Yes indeed, attachments are very important in childhood and losing your Mother at that age would have a massive impact on you. Did you have any counseling at the time or since then? I am sorry for your loss. Complicated grief can come from losing a parent so young. Please share your feelings with your doctor and ask for a referral to see a therapist, therapy would really help.

I did get some counselling yes, but I didn't find it to be useful. I found the counselor to be extremely patronizing, and I just generally disliked her. I found that I had 'recovered' from the bereavement after a few weeks. However, perhaps it just shows itself in other ways, like this for example.

I am currently receiving CBT, but I haven't mentioned this issue yet, I probably might bring it up at some point.

Hugs Zygara, I think that would be a good step to take in sharing and getting to a point where you start to feel better about yourself. Like I said, that would have a huge impact on you then, and now... Let us know how things are going.

Wow, you basically summed up everything I am experiencing. I don;t know what the issue is, it does seem like an addiction because I feel highs and lows/withdraws when I don't see the person, or if my "standing" is not particularly good with them. For example, if I ask the person to hang out one day and they don't reply, I automatically think they're mad, don't like me anymore, and will never want to see me again. Every day is a roller-coaster. You spoke of a longing for a motherly-figure-- I have a strong desire for care, comfort and motherly love and I am getting attached (not sexually) to teachers, doctors, my psychologist- those who provide me with attention and show an understanding of my problems. I just wish I were able to control my thoughts, as I litterally think about the person of my infatuation alllllll theeeee timeeeeee.Is this some kind of disorder? OCD or borderline personality disorder?

Yeah, I'm the exact same. It's always someone above me, like a teacher, boss, that kind of thing. Someone with authority over me. For me, unlike you, even though I want that care and comfort, it always becomes sexual. There has to be an attraction there in the first place for me to become obsessed with them. Right now I think my person of obsession hates me, because she doesn't seem the way she used to. I don't know, maybe something will happen to make my view change of her in the near future.

Also, I made this post somewhere else, and someone did mention Borderline Personality Disorder, apparently their sister has the same symptoms as me, and is diagnosed with it

Thank you so much Zygara for sharing this!! I have experienced this for so long but never ben able to share it so clearly and succintly as you....

' I've always developed absolute intense infatuations. It's consuming, the infatuation I have becomes the centre of my world, and all I think about. At the start, it's all joy and rainbows. Everything is great. Everything is perfect, they are perfect, they made my life perfect. They are my soulmate, they are my God. In my eyes, it's almost as if they become higher than human, compared to them I am scum. I feel so upbeat, almost have a kind of emotional high at the start of it all. Every little bit of attention or gratification I get from them makes me feel just a little bit more worthy. I want to clarify that I tend to develop infatuations with unavailable people, mainly authority figures. Most the time, the a relationship with them isn't even possible, yet I convince myself that they are my soul mate.'

I have never met anyone like this because I never want to share it for fear of being completely alienated.
I experience the depression and suicidal thoughts too if it appears I am being ignored or tha persons demenour has changed towards me...
Thank you so much for sharing.

Update

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate all the thoughts. I wanted to update on what's going on. So the person I'm obsessed with is showing me attention again, so in my books, she is back to 'good' status and I have been on a bit of a high because of it. Have been for a few days. However, that's gonna crash down extremely hard due to the fact I am leaving her in a few days. I am absolutely shitting myself over it. I know I'm gonna react horribly and probably go on another bad low. I'm scared for my own safety. I am scared of what will happen when the person filling the void inside of me is no longer there, and I will be back to how I am before.

Currently I have no therapist as I was referred to another one for more intensive treatment, and now am getting no feedback from the new apparent therapist. I'm scared to be alone, and cope alone. I have also now graduated highschool and have a long summer break which is gonna leave me alone with my thoughts. I suppose all I can do now is find someone new to fill the void, it always ends up like that.

Zygara, good for you for being able to identify and mull over your issue. I hope you'll try therapy again - with a therapist you bond with and/or a therapy group - because I really do believe that the loss of your mom has very much to do with your attachment to attachment.

I see my own former situation in your cycle,Zygara, and I'm very convinced by your descriptions that it's time to get serious about qualified therapy...not just a counselor, not just CBT therapy. Deeper therapy will bring out the infatuation relationship that develops between therapist and patient where it can be helped in a healing way instead of just haphazard. All of this is very much relating to Transference issues, if you're familiar with that term. We talk about it a lot on the forum and you can look Transference up on the web to learn more about it if you don't already know. You didn't mention it in your post, although you described it in words like infatuation and depression that soon follows.
See if you can find a therapist trained in Relationship Therapy as those are especially experienced in attachment issues. It would be so great to reach the deep issues you're struggling with, as these kind of problems go on into adult life and affect marriage, job, and everything else. I think that it would be especially important to start now, as you're already in despair over the long dry summer and self-harm thoughts. There is a lot that can be done for you, believe me, as I see a lot of myself in your description, before I worked with my present T. Therapy can be hard work, but it's way better than suffering from extreme swings, or being alone with it, or unbearably bored year after year.
If I were you, with all the experience I've had, I would call that new therapist and tell him how down you feel and thoughts to self harm. And if he doesn't schedule you in next week, go to your county health clinic and tell them. I just couldn't sit around all summer feeling so bad and waiting for someone to do something.

Hi Restin, thanks for your reply. I want to clarify that I do not yet know who my new therapist is. Apparently I'm on a waiting list, but it's been over a month, and I have yet to be contacted. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm getting worse, and slipping into a darker depression each day. I think I'm gonna talk to my doctor and instead suggest going to another type of therapy, equip to deal with my deeper issues, relationship therapy, as you said. This kind of behaviour is unhealthy. I shouldn't have to rely on a person to fill the void. I shouldn't have to rely on a person to make me feel happy.

I think definitely if I'm kept in the dark any longer about my therapy, I'm gonna contact my doctor and ask what's going on.

I can also somewhat relate to your issue with the exception of the suicidal thoughts or other people . My parents are alive but they really weren't around when I was growing up and so I looked for love and affection through my intimate relationships. I also felt jealous and that they were my everything and if they didn't want to spend time with me as they first did or they began to act different then I would be really hurt .
I am learning that to learn to stay away every time I want to get attached or I say to myself " nope I wont hang around if I am going to be needy or feel lonely or feel sad" Why not ? because I will learn to comfort myself and not leave the responsibilities on others. I have found this to be hard but also so super helpful- I even see myself so much stronger than I have ever been before.
Other people either it be a relationship with a friend or intimate should be around in the good and bad but not responsible for your emotions or happiness and even insecurities . sometimes, changing ones thoughts even if its not true its a start . Like, no I am not infatuated no I don't need that person- even if you feel it eventually you telling yourself you don't will actually work and you will begin too feel confident and not needy .
I hope this helps a little

Are you familiar with limerence?

I have borderline personality disorder and this sounds very familiar. I would try dbt therapy as well as a specialist on attatchment and transference. Look into rational and wise mind. Discover your personal interests and hobbies. You need to find you and be happy with that before you can let go of others. Easier said thàn done, I know. But try!!! Write down goals and a safety plan and with the right help you can do this!!!!

Nix

Another Update

It's becoming maddening. I am able to see the person I'm obsessing over again. While that made me happy at first, I realised that it's just gonna feed more and more into my obsession. She is the highest she's ever been on the pedestal. I can't stop thinking of her as a savior. It's pathetic I know. It's getting to the point where she has completely twisted my sexual orientation. I cannot be happy unless I find a woman who looks exactly like her, and I am no longer interested in men. At all. It's becoming distressing.

If I read anything to do with sex on the internet, the only thing I can think of is her having sex, and being degraded by it, and I think of the person who giving her sex as the devil in human form. I can't stand the thought of her having sex with others, which is weird since she doesn't even belong to me. I also get extremely upset if anyone mentions her, or if I see her talking to someone else. Man I am a selfish piece of ****, I acknowledge that. I know these thoughts are wrong. I just need help getting rid of these thoughts.

At this point I have no clue what else to do. I can't even browse the internet anymore because I'm reminded of sex, and how I associate sex and her in my mind. It has been causing suicidal thoughts.

Also, I no longer have therapy anymore since they cancelled on me, because of me being an idiot and having to miss sessions. I also found that CBT wasn't helping, and I only had 2 sessions left of it anyway.

I have no clue what to do at this point, really. Getting to the point where I've been having suicidal thoughts. Not even because of her, but because I am destined to be plagued with these thoughts for the rest of my life, not just because of her, but other people I may get obsessed with in the future.

Really, what do I do at this point? I'm sorry for the constant whining, I just want to get my thoughts out, since I never really tell anyone anything related to this issue. If it's possible I might request for this entire thread to be deleted in a few days, because it makes me feel stupid knowing this is on the internet public, and I get scared if she will find this, even if she probably won't. I'm just being irrational, I guess

Hello Zygara,

You need to get back to your doctor and mental health team and let them know what is going on with you. I think there is more to this than thinking about sex and obsessing, this is about how you feel about yourself and you appear to have a very low opinion of yourself. CBT can be helpful for some with mild to moderate depression and can help you address things on the surface but it sounds like you need more than that, you need therapy that addresses the core issues lying deep under the surface. Also some medication to help you with the anxiety you feel and these bad thoughts that you hold on yourself.

I want to thank you for this article. I am experiencing a heartbreak caused by the denial of reciprocation from a major infatuation target. And realize how my life is composed of cycles of twisted attachments. I was feeling ashamed but could not describe what is going on, and this makes me feel less lonely.

This is an example of Limerance.

"the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

🏻 I wonder how OP is doing. Hopefully an update. xo

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