[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I got thinking about this again after encountering a comment about someone's "disgusting entitlement" over being annoyed by the presence of their parents while living in said parents' house.

This is painfully familiar to me, because I did the exact same thing, to the point of leaving. Otherwise though, my mother's mere presence and frequent interaction left me whining, crying, screaming, raging and otherwise acting like an entitled little ****, wanting her to leave me alone. Even now, talking to her on the phone is liable to leave me screaming in frustration after 15 minutes. That's all, I think, leave me alone. Yet I was using her utilities and eating her food, and couldn't (even if I could, probably would grudgingly) contribute financially: if she wanted to actually sit with me and watch me 24 hours a day, or blast music or talk into the middle of the night, I had no right to complain. Sometimes she actually would get me up late at night to do chores with her, or just talk about what a failure I am, or what she plans to do to me. It is entitled and wrong for me to be upset by this. I'm nothing but a leech and a destroyer of lives, and I was upset that I could never be left alone? That my internet was taken away arbitrarily? She could have taken my life arbitrarily, and it wouldn't even be a crime (her lawyer even confirmed this).

Before someone tries to say that interrupting someone every 5 minutes for little things, or waking them for no reason is a violation of boundaries, I don't deserve boundaries, or respect. This is a universal fact about me; I lost those privileges in early childhood. What I want to know is how to absolve myself of this guilt. I've offered to pay my mother back for whatever I cost her in those two years, have yet to hear a response.

I need punishment. I can't get rid of the past, or what I am: an entitled, useless leech. Surely though, there's some way to make up for it? Some kind of penance? But I can't think of anything.

Here's hoping I don't regret this panicky post in 10 minutes.

[Thunder Bow]

Best to move out ASAP. You do not need that.

[Gaar]

Hello, ScientiaOmnisEst. I suggest you might benefit from a second opinion -- a professional one.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Best to move out ASAP. You do not need that.

I did that nine months ago. And I often question whether that was just another act of entitlement, or at least something immature. Maybe I had no business leaving.

Originally Posted by Gaar

Hello, ScientiaOmnisEst. I suggest you might benefit from a second opinion -- a professional one.

About my obsessive guilt? I've wondered about that, honestly, if there's even anything a therapist could do about it. I mean, I analyze it to death and then get set off again any time something reminds me of it...what more is there?

[Gaar]

Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous. shame v. guilt - Brené Brown

To consider:

15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Fixing Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Emotional Competency - Shame
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central

You are incredibly hard on yourself. Challenging your assessments might be helpful?

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Gaar

To consider:

15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Fixing Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Emotional Competency - Shame
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central

You are incredibly hard on yourself. Challenging your assessments might be helpful?

Thanks. I've tried looking at stuff like that, it never seems to help....

I sort of know I'm hard on myself - "sort of" because I tend to think that, well, these assessments are true. Challenging them just seems like making excuses, being weak, or lowering my standards. If I followed through, it would be like giving up, or would require even unhealthier beliefs to stay away. Like the only option I have, then, is to follow through. Work, punish, avoid, self-blame, etc.

The thing is I don't really have access to psych help, and I'm not that good at therapy anyway.

Once again I must say I agree with Gaar. Thankyou.

What Gaar was suggesting comes from a therapy called CBT - Cognative Behaviour Therapy. Finding a therapist who specializes in this may be what you seek in therapy.

CBT deals with distortions stemming from negative core beliefs and gives you strategies to challenge them.

I myself have benefited immensely and just can't say enough about how wonderful I think it is - BUT, as I've said before, it takes committment and work.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I don't deserve boundaries, or respect. This is a universal fact about me; I lost those privileges in early childhood.- No, I really think you do deserve respect and boundaries. Perhaps you have not always acted well or wisely (who has) but removal of basic human rights and dignity is never justified.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

I don't deserve boundaries, or respect. This is a universal fact about me; I lost those privileges in early childhood.- No, I really think you do deserve respect and boundaries. Perhaps you have not always acted well or wisely (who has) but removal of basic human rights and dignity is never justified.

Wow this is a late response.

But no, it's true. Was just reading about how today children have no respect for their parents and it's a cultural problem: versus cultures that emphasize filial piety. Or how ever denying a child anything is considered abuse these days because we're such wimps, etc, etc. I can absolutely see how all of these trends have played in my life, especially as I got older. No, I don't have any respect or sense of duty towards my mother. Otherwise, I would still be living with her and allowing her to run my life, like a respectful child. I would be doing everything she says instead of begging her for no contact. I have no right to want no contact; she didn't do anything to me and I don't deserve boundaries.

Interesting no one's given me any kind of advice as per the title: punishing my entitlement.

[Thunder Bow]

"punishing my entitlement." is a good Title of your Family Script. Or what could be called your Family Dynamics.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

"punishing my entitlement." is a good Title of your Family Script. Or what could be called your Family Dynamics.

What do you mean? Yes, most of the entitlement behavior came out in family settings, but what's a family script?

[Thunder Bow]

Think of a Play you see on a stage. Each member follows an script about their character. Think of it as an Family Drama, where the drama is being acted out by each family member.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Wow this i.... No, I don't have any respect or sense of duty towards my mother. Otherwise, I would still be living with her and allowing her to run my life, like a respectful child. I would be doing everything she says instead of begging her for no ...
Interesting no one's given me any kind of advice as per the title: punishing my entitlement.

I don't understand your question; punishing my entitlement - perhaps you can explain.

It seems to me that as an adult you make your own way. Your mother makes hers. It is certainly not the case that a dutiful adult offspring allows a parent to run their life, still less doing everything she says.

As for respect and sense of duty - it is perhaps sad that your mother has not elicited these feelings from you but no doubt there are good reasons.

It seems to me that you have yet to fully grasp the fact that you are independent and make your own choices. You are young and you have your life ahead of you.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

I don't understand your question; punishing my entitlement - perhaps you can explain.

It seems to me that as an adult you make your own way. Your mother makes hers. It is certainly not the case that a dutiful adult offspring allows a parent to run their life, still less doing everything she says.

As for respect and sense of duty - it is perhaps sad that your mother has not elicited these feelings from you but no doubt there are good reasons.

It seems to me that you have yet to fully grasp the fact that you are independent and make your own choices. You are young and you have your life ahead of you.

In guess...I feel like what I've done, the way I became independent, was all an act of entitlement. Rather than graduating college and getting a job, or getting a job as a teen (my usual excuse is I wasn't allowed - actually true. My parents didn't believe teens should work while in school, and I repeatedly failed to get a summer job), I ripped off my mother for two years then ran away to steal from the government. Something I pray I won't have to do much longer. Like I got my independence, but in the most despicable way possible. How could I erase all this?

But it seems like any mention of "low-income" reminds me of all of this, and fills me with shame and frustration at this situation I'm stuck in. Even my mom talks about "nothings like [me] who don't want to work". I do want to work, I'd love to be self-sufficient. And I'm terrified it will never happen. But how entitled was it of me to do all this, to take and take to compensate for my failures?

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Rather than make a separate thread, I'll just put the announcement here: I think I'm going to try to leave again. I just realized that I am the most disgusting and despicable type of person who can exist: a person with a victim mentality.

Yes, this post, every post I've ever made on the internet, has been a manifestation of this. I crave the attention, the only kind I've ever been able to get. I'm literally incapable of interacting with people without talking about my own probably-manufactured problems. There is literally nothing to me except negativity, and my powerlessness is very real. I may not even be alive much longer.

Thanks but no thanks.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I am not sure that you are being entirely reasonable here.

Pretty few people are totally free of being dependant at some time even in their adult lives, everyone likes some attention, many have difficulty in dealing with other people, we are all susceptible to powerlessness, negativity and lack of hope. It is called being human.

I don't think it unreasonable to give yourself a break. You may not be perfect, but so what, you do the best you can like the rest of us. It usually comes right in the end.