Respecting Parents as an Obligation

Do you think parents deserve to be respected even if they abuse and don't respect you as their (adult) child?

No I don't.Respect has to be earned.Abusing someone and not respecting them is not earning it.

I feel parents think we owe them with our life because they brought us to this (miserable) life, regardless of how they treat us. Silly.

Many parents do feel that way.Many people also feel that no matter what your parents are your parents and should be in your life and treated with respect regardless of any bad or harmful things they have done.People act shocked when they find out my mom isn't a part of my life and think I should work things out with her just because she's my mom.

I am going through a major crisis with my parents, and I am at their home for financial reasons. But they don't show respect to me, and I am trying to find a way out of their home, and establish my life, after which I have little reason to really keep them in my life because all they cause me is frustration and pain. I didn't ask them to bring me to this life, and if they did a lot to raise me, this doesn't mean I have to respect them. I respect them only if they show me respect, not because they brought me and raised me. Let them go to hell and burn there forever if they think I will respect them without respecting me.

I think since you have been home with your parents you are recognizing how they not only lack respect but probably also use emotional manipulation tactics.

There are cultures that demand the offspring respect/honor parents no matter what age. This is probably a custom your parents were taught and believe that is simply the way things have to be.

It sounds like you are starting to recognize how their behavior may have contributed to your challenge when it comes to socializing and some of your self esteem challenges. You are not the only one that this has affected. A lot of people can trace their self esteem challenges to their parents and how their parents treated them while they were growing up. Unfortunately, some of these parenting methods are handed down and just considered how to raise children.

Parents/family can put their children into a role and the children begin to REALLY see that after they have distanced for a while and then get back with family only to discover they are expected to adhere to that old role they were assigned.

I am aware that my socialization's challenges and my self esteem stem from my childhood. I remember my father was furious not to allow us to play with other kids, and not to do and say anything but studying. I remember once I yawned while studying and he hit me on my head. He didn't want us even to yawn while studying. Money is all he cares about, and for him education was the means. When we did or said something, he would criticize us and verbally and physically punish us. So, I grew up with the automatic thinking that I must not open my mouth or initiate doing anything because I would be criticized and punished.

Indeed it is the custom here for children to respect their parents regardless. But my parents in contrast to all others think and explicitly express that we owe them because they sacrificed for us "more than other parents", they think. When I tell them I have my own life and decisions, they say something like "you want to throw us and treat us like we don't exist"!!! They don't get that I am now an adult. They are my parents and will remain my parents as long as they respect my boundaries. I would visit them, assist them as much as I could.... etc, but my life and my decisions they must not interfere with, unless I consult them.

If they don't understand this, then our relationship will deteriorate once I leave. I will minimize my contact with them. When my father talks with my siblings and me on the phone, he keeps looping with the same topics, and asks questions to know what we are doing in life and what are our decisions because he thinks he can make us avoid misfortune and bad decisions. Once I told him I am independent and have my own life and decisions, and he confirmed me that (he is very manipulative, but he thinks himself as a meek and naive), but he followed it with saying that only if your decisions are right!!!!!! I told him I am independent in my decisions right or wrong, not just when they are right. Right for whom and based on what?

That is how is my life: at home, my mother controls us, and in our lives my father tries to control us. This isn't life. This is slavery under another appearance and name.

This is important for you to recognize and to also pay attention to how you may put yourself down too "unknowingly". Yet also how you anticipate that if you do try to have a conversation something bad will come of it. That is what your father instilled in you by not giving you exposure to socializing and punishing you if you even yawned.

Your father doesn't have friends either right?

I have gotten to know a woman that I met at a local convenience store I frequent. I have learned a lot from her about her culture, and her husband came to be her husband through an arranged marriage. So, she doesn't really love him and he doesn't even call her by her name but instead "hey you" and orders her around.

One day she told me about her brother in law who came here and worked hard and saved his money. He got a wife who was very traditional and wanted him to move back to India. So, he sold his business and thought that when he did move back he would have a better life. He got into a community where he was told that if he gave them his money he would live a good life and all his needs would be met. That is "not" what he experienced and slowly he had to follow rules and he was used like a kind of servant and slowly lost his personal freedom. All he wanted to do is get away from that and come back to the US even if that meant having to start all over again. So now he is living here with family with nothing and trying to start all over again as he lost all the money he has worked so hard for.

What he learned is that "yes" there is cultural brainwashing that happens and one can end up losing their freedom in ways they just don't realize. That is what this woman has been telling me and how she has no interest in falling into that trap. And yet, she still has to deal with a husband that tends to treat her badly, not even call her by her name and expect her to do "most" of the work when it comes to running not only this store, but also keeping up with the meals and chores at home too. Her husband is not very social, though I have managed to find my way to talking to him a little bit where he is friendlier to me. It's clear to me that he was raised to be the way he is, even if that makes his wife so unhappy. I am amazed at how she manages in spite of all she has to deal with and she is so pretty and I enjoy talking to her.

So, often we learn things from family and cultural customs not realizing how these things can be unhealthy for us. There is some of that in all social/cultural structures. We instinctively know this so often that inhibits our sense of comfort when interacting with others that may have different cultural beliefs. It took me time to get to know this couple and I did not want to offend them either. But "slowly" I have gotten to know them and in so doing I have learned a lot and found some common ground.

i am happy the woman involved found you as a friend.

No. Just because you are biologically able to produce a child doesn't make you worthy of respect. Guess what? Billions of other people can procreate; because you can too doesn't make you special. Just because you brought me alive on this world doesn't mean I have to respect you or even care about you for that matter.

Same goes with the elderly; just because somebody is a couple of generations older than I doesn't mean anything, especially in this day and age where human lifespans are getting longer and longer due to advancements in medical science.

I don't care if you are a parent, an elder, if you are white, black, Asian, Indian, Gay, Straight, Lesbian, Christian, Atheist, Muslim, Jewish, or anything else. If you are nice to me, I'm nice to you. If you are mean to me, I'll be mean back

I'm having this same struggle myself.

My mother has even said that we should be like Asian culture and the children must take in and support the parents. She wants that cultural automatic respect where parents can be abusive and children must obey and put them on a pedestal forever.

I've been doing some research on Asian culture, though. And found that the children give the parents money but the parents give the money back to them when them die. So it's all just a game so the parents can brag to their friends how much their children love and respect them.

I don't know the answer to your dilemma.

I treat my mother/abuser with respect, but that is different than respecting her as a person. I have always been determined not to stoop to her level, which is very, very hard sometimes, btw, and I have had people ask me why I've never hit her back. I didn't simply because she is my mother. I prefer to take the high road. Lord knows, she's got the low road covered!

I cut her out of my life over a decade ago. I have had the misfortune of seeing/talking to her a couple of times since then, but it's always the same. She tries to suck me back into her drama. It never works anymore.

My father is close to one of his brothers. Other than that, all his relations are shallow. But he has no social life.

Regarding the woman's story you told, I don't think men treat women like this in my culture, especially the new generation. But still, women are not where they are supposed to be. For example, women go to universities and work outside the house in office jobs, which is good, but at the same time, it is still seen as their "duty" to do the house work, which makes things very hard for them. Now a woman works outside and inside the house. The problem is that they are raised this way. For example, my mother or sister won't rely on me to do anything at home, because first it is perceived that I cannot do it right, and second because it is understood that it is their "job".

The Eastern cultures in general are restricting to the individual, and suppressing to women. Not all are the same, but it is true to varying degrees. The problem is that tradition is so entrenched in people's mind, that most people don't see the restrictions and suppression. Everything seems "normal" to them. On the contrary, freedom is perceived as "evil".

Yes, I think of the Amish for example they feel freedom is evil.

Cultural customs feel normal and acceptable because human beings find comfort in the predictable so cultural structure was developed in societies throughout human history.

I strongly disagree with you. I didn't ask for this miserable life. I would much prefer not to exist than to be here. They brought me here just for them to find a source of purpose, and to find some one to rely on when they get older. I am just a means for them, which makes them having me a pure act of selfishness. But since I was brought here, I deserve to be respected and live my life as I see fit to be happy. If they don't believe in this, it would have been better not to have me. And I urge all parents to be aware of this.

Screw that. No parent that would abuse or neglect their children deserve respect; all any abuser deserves is suffering and death.

Respect is earned; not given. Please refer to my above post as to why.

May you evolve out of being a sheep soon

Oh as far as cultural norms goes; I consider people who adhere to strict cultural norms (such as the Amish) as being too weak and cowardly to think for themselves, therefore, they would rather take the easy way out by allowing other people to think and form opinions for them.

My parents both died early, but I did not respect either of them before they died. I came from an abusive and messed up upbringing. Now I have kids myself and I respect my parents even less for how they parented.

I also don't want my kids to respect me just because I'm their mother. I want them to feel I am worthy of the respect. My kids are not just my kids, they are human beings as well.

Well said. I wish all parents thought this way instead of thinking they own their kids, and abusing them as they want.

Like most things...it depends.

My parents are still alive and I have adult children so I think I have the experience to give a decent answer....

I have difficulties with my parents. But I still respect them. They may have not done a good job of raising me as they could have, but they did the best they could. I was loved, fed, clothed, and raised with values. So they have earned my respect for doing those things. Your parents are doing the best they know how (admitted it sucks...but it's all relative). And my parents did too (I was not born and then chucked out on the street like an animal).

I made mistakes with my children...most likely they will blame me for lots. And some of it probably was learned by me from how I was raised...HOWEVER I have my parents to thank for those things which were wrong, that I realized, and did NOT do to my children....their mistakes with me were NOT repeated but, rather, learned from.

Now, as a parent, I think I am due a degree of respect from my children. To what degree is up to them. I hope (and it is so far) it's a decent amount.

So. Those are my thoughts as both a daughter AND a mother.

You were fed and clothed ... etc because it is your parents' duty and responsibility to do that for bringing you on this life. Even cats and rats take care of their babies until they are strong enough to leave and live their lives independently. Why we humans give so much credit for our parents for feeding us and providing us with the necessities? That being said, I am not denying all of this, BUT, this doesn't mean I have to respect them only because of that. I would have forgiven their past mistakes had they respected me now as an adult and treated me as a human being who is independent. But no, it is an ongoing drama, and it won't end until I bow under their feet and do what they wish or want me to do, which isn't going to happen. I don't show them respect because they don't respect me. It is that simple for me. I may not show them hostility and rudeness but this doesn't mean I respect them. I deserve to be respected and be happy, even if this means to cut them off, which is a possibility for me. For you may be it is different, but then we are different and approach things differently. My siblings are OK with their abuse, but I am not.

Couldn't agree more.

There is a reason why orphanages, adoption agencies, and foster homes exist in every single first world country and some third world ones as well.

If parents are too inept to feed and clothe their children, there are plenty of ways for society to take over that duty.

A parent fulfilling their basic duty as a parent doesn't mean jack.

I told you what I thought because you asked.

It doesn't mean that either of us is right.

I'm sorry for your anger. You too Darkness....

I'm not speaking out of anger so much as out of my belief that people aren't automatically entitled to respect based off their status in society (parent, elder, boss, president, CEO, ETC).

I base the level of respect that I have for somebody solely on their character. Do they treat others well regardless of their differences or flaws? Do they strive to make the world a better place? Have they endured struggle, yet still keep fighting for themselves or people they care about?

Those are examples of what I value in people. I don't value superficial things like financial status, age, appearance, parental status, or positions of authority.

You're welcome to your opinion on the matter though and I will refrain from further posting about my opinion of this topic on this thread.

Opinions are fine...It's not my thread however, and I have no argument with you. You seem angry and want one. You won't get one from me.
TC