Once a loser, always a loser?

Is that true?

I can't ever change my past, so it will always be on my "record" that I was a loser. No matter what I do, I can't make up for that. I can't go back and make the right decisions and erase the ones that completely ruined my life. No matter how much I apparently "improve", I would always be a loser anyway. I'm just sort of broken in that way. I'll just always be looked down upon by how long it took me to be a fully functional human being. It's just one of the many reasons I avoid trying to make friends and of course my lack of a huge friend circle contributes to me being a loser. Go figure.

Hi I.am.the.end. Why do you say you were a loser in the past? Could it be possible you were never a loser? And just not being compassionate with yourself? everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has a past. I have a negative past too. I used to call myself a loser. But now I know it was a product of my very low self esteem. The past is gone and only exists in your memory.

I pretty-much feel this way too. Plus, at least in my case, I'm too old to do anything about it even if I wanted to. It all just is what it is... or was. And this is also a large part of the reason I simply keep to myself. I consider it to be my gift to the world... or at least the tiny portion of it I inhabit.

I'd like to imagine that, as the saying goes, "today is the first day of the rest of your life" & that one can always make a fresh start. Perhaps this is true... perhaps not. In my case it really doesn't matter. I'm too old for it to make any difference. However I hope you are able to find a pathway toward a fresh start. Even if one cannot change the past, one can change the future. At least I'd like to imagine that is true. So I send hugs your way with the hope that you might find such a path. If you do... throw down some breadcrumbs for others to follow...

Some people definitely think that way.. but I hope at least YOU know that, deep down, you're not a loser at all.

Nobody anywhere can get into a time machine and change our personal history. We just can't. Who wrote the time line for being a fully functional human being? There is no time line. Every body is doing their best to survive day in day out.

Maybe others are judging you, then again maybe they are focused on their own worlds. I admit to being clueless about what others think. I didn't get to that class where we are taught mind reading 101. In hindsight would we really want to know what others think? Maybe they think a great deal more of us than we would credit.

In the end it does not matter what others think of us. It's what we think of ourselves. The number of friends that we have will vary through out the years. From my understanding most people have very few people that they would really call a friend. Acquaintances are another matter. Even then....

You aren't a loser. You are a survivor doing the best you can to get through each day. Celebrate your victories.

People who call others losers are often losers themselves. I find this "better than you" mentality to be ridiculously childish, no one is better than anyone.

People are just more privileged than others, doesn't make them a 'loser' because they aren't as ever so AMAZING than someone who has a massive ego. Just means you're not an idiot who feels the need to put others down less fortunate so don't worry about it. There's plenty of people way less fortunate, does that make them losers or does that just make them less privileged? Not everyone can be this pillar of egocentric amazingness afterall. Frankly I'd prefer to be the latter if it means I don't have to deal with fake egotistical people like that, they are the real 'losers' imo. Most people don't actually like people like that they just hang out with them for social status anyway.

People who fling that derogatory insult around don't value you as a person, a human being, so for you to use that term on yourself it speaks volumes that you don't value yourself either and that's not a good thing, I'd suggest you start by stopping calling yourself that because it's an idiot word and you seem far from being an idiot OP. You deserve better, like everyone else.

I agree.

The problem is it isn't just in the past. It's in my present too. I've struggled so much with being independent. And since I'm supposed to have a high IQ and gifted and blah blah blah, it's even more shameful. In my defense, my parents didn't (and still don't for some reason) want me to be independent. I had to go to grad school just to get away from them and actually have a chance to fully develop emotionally etc. I've been in school most of my life because I didn't know what else to do. I made the mistake of changing my major in undergrad. I could have been a fully certified teacher and have been working for several years (being fully independent), but no, I dropped the education part of my major. My parents help convince me that I was "too good" to teach at that level. So I'm supposed to be a college professor. I have several good reasons I don't want to do that (at least not at this point in my life). I really want to be a secondary teacher. But I can't yet...so I've applied to staff positions in local schools. But had I not been stupid back then, not lacked confidence or a backbone, I'd be a teacher by now.

I also can't develop friendships or even acquaintances really. All I really want are a few people I could call up or text and say "hey, let's hang out". Or people I could meet at a pub once a week and just talk. Super casual acquaintances. I don't have that. Professionals have mentioned avoidant personality disorder in the past...maybe there was something to that.

I've just been rejected in really traumatic ways and the part that connects to people shut off a while ago. But having little to no connection screws me in life because we all know, it's not about how good you are, it's who you know.

And it does matter what people think of me, unfortunately. That's how you get hired and get to keep your job. I'm a musician too and you only get gigs because someone likes you (occasionally you're just in the right place at the right time) NOT because you're good at what you do. I am the best at some things I do and more than adequate at other things. I'm only asked to play when the people in charge like me. They'd rather their group sound worse than to have me there. I just can't connect or maybe they plain dislike me? But it's an issue.

Wondering if it is time to learn to not care what others think? The only opinion that matters is yours. In DBT part of the course teaches people to check back in with the facts. You are obviously very intelligent.

Please check in with a therapist. You have so much to offer.

How could I not care what people think? If people don't like me (or like other people more) for whatever reason, I don't get/keep jobs, gigs, and friends. I don't remember if I mentioned it on this thread, but being myself has lost me friends.

My last therapist couldn't understand me and has broken my trust for therapists. I'm not sure I'd find one that wasn't invalidating or rejecting. The only good one I've ever had was a student and that was only for a limited time. Besides, unless I go to a student therapist, I'd have to wait to see if I'll have insurance for the rest of the year. And even then, not knowing what my financial situation is going to be, I don't know if I can even fill out the paperwork to get a reduced rate.h

I really wish I could go to someone who could assess me for HFA/Asperger's, personality disorders etc. Someone who knows what they're doing, particularly with the first and will work with me more than one session to really give me an informed opinion. The only one qualified in the area is someone who is aligned with a particular religion. I don't want anything to do with a specific religion in the context of treatment. And again, not sure how I'd afford yet unless I resolve to continue being dependent.

I don't consider you a loser. So what if you didn't take the "normal" path in life? Who cares if you didn't go to college right out of high school and you don't want to buy a car, a house, and have a bunch of kids like many "normal" people end up doing? Who cares if it took longer for you to figure life out yourself while you have had to deal with a bunch of MI that would break most people quickly?

I turn 26 next week, yet I just started at a Community College this June and just now started working my first "real" job at the college campus. I've never been to a university, never owned a car, never even had a chance to get my driver's license (which I'm working on now), and have never had a girlfriend. Does that make me a loser? No.

People like us have had to work harder to get to where we are at in life because of the crap we had to deal with in our past. Anybody could become successful if they are physically and mentally healthy and have families that support them and love them. Somebody like us accomplishing something meaningful with our lives stands out and makes us all that much more significant because most people couldn't deal with what we have had to.

So no, you're not a loser. If anything, I would call you a fighter for getting to where you are now after dealing with what you have had to.

I appreciate what you're trying to say, but you don't know me at all.

I DID go to college straight out of high school and then went and got my Masters after that. Then took a year off, generally being a loser, then went back for my doctorate because I didn't know what else to do.

I do want to get married and own a house. It has nothing to do with what other people have, it's just what I personally want. I may want kids someday too. Again, nothing to do with what other people do/want.

And I haven't had to work hard at all. Ever. That's the problem. I tried to work as hard as I could this summer but only was able to handle 50-55 hours a week. I'm hoping to have three jobs this fall, but I'm not sure if I'll even make it to the interviews of the 8 positions I applied for. And if I don't get a job that most people don't want, then I'd have no chance at highly competitive positions in higher ed. Which is one of the reasons I've given up on that.

Honestly, a lot of stuff was handed to me on a silver platter and the fact that I can't capitalize on it and become wildly successful proves that I'm a loser.

I'm sure all of this makes me the kind of person you hate. That's okay. That's why I mostly keep to myself.

Hi ,

If you don`t mind me asking what is your Phd in ? . Just curious !

You say you don`t have any friends or anyone to hang with and have a beer .

If you ever get up my way , you are more than welcome to stop by , I always have plenty of Coors Light on hand , and you might talk me into a shot of Woodfords Select or The Dalmore.

Me casa , you casa , at least for a drink and chat , I could use the friendship too.

Just so you know , you are much better than you think , and I have never meet you

Later , and it`s an "open offer" , just PM first

KP 

Well, it's technically not a Phd, but it's the equivalent in music composition.

And no, I'm not writing anything right now. I'm not sure when or if I will again. I don't have the confidence to perform (or even write) any rock or anything that people would actually want to listen to. And my training is predominantly in art music with a little bit of jazz. People don't want to listen to that. That was not what I originally wanted to write anyway...I wanted to write the rock stuff. Or at least play it. Oh well.

Also, to be fair, I do get some of the "hang and have a beer" need fulfilled with my boyfriend. Sometimes it's with his friends too and I usually feel the odd one out. It would be nice to have my own friends, especially since he lives an hour away from me now. Again, oh well.

And thanks for the offer. I have no idea when I'd be up in New Hampshire though.

I don't hate you.

It sounds like it is taking longer for you to figure things out. There is nothing wrong with that.

I trust you will figure something out.

You can't go back but you can go forward.

For a Winner, you sure put a lot of effort into being a Loser. Cut back on that schedule and give yourself some down time.

I'm trying to move forward. I just don't want the past to be held against me. If I ever get the chance, I really want to move to a place that no one knows me and just start over, clean slate.

I have so much down time between jobs right now and it just exacerbates my chronic loneliness. Besides, even if I get one of these full time jobs (which are only 30-35 hours or so during the school year), I'm still going to need the full time+ job in the summer and 5-10 hours a week during the school year from that same employer (hopefully more over school breaks), and doing gigs as a musician to stay above the poverty line and hopefully make ends meet. So that's basically one full time and two part time jobs. I don't need much down time. I don't really know what I would do with a lot of down time? There really isn't much I enjoy anymore and it's not like I have friends or family to catch up with.

You are active in taking care of yourself, thus you are more of a winner than a loser.