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#51
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A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!"
"Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() AvidReader, greylove, lonegael, Seshat, Travelinglady
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#52
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A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, Indie'sOK, lonegael, pachyderm, Travelinglady
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#53
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No offense meant!
Quote:
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"Handsome is as handsome does". - proverb ![]() "People say words can't hurt, but that's not true". "It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere". – Agnes Repplier |
![]() AvidReader, greylove, Indie'sOK, lonegael, pachyderm, Travelinglady
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#54
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a cute one(JMO)with some truth in it.
A little boy and a little girl are sitting on a bench. The little girl wants the little boy to be her amour in the worst way. The little girl slides over on the bench and sits right up close to the little boy. She says in her sweet, hint-hint voice: "Nobody loves me, and my hands are cold" and stares into the little boys' eyes simpishly." The little boy (he's having none of this!!!) "Well God loves you, and you can always sit on your hands" ![]() |
![]() greylove, lonegael, Travelinglady
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#55
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house."
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, Travelinglady
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#56
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Had to translate this one. I hope I'm not ruining it.
Quote:
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"Handsome is as handsome does". - proverb ![]() "People say words can't hurt, but that's not true". "It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere". – Agnes Repplier |
![]() greylove, pachyderm, Travelinglady
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#57
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I feel so guilty.........how do you put these jokes down? Do you have to hunt and peck everything out (like me) or is this all about copying and pasting.......something that I have yet to master? Whatever you all do, thank you! These are so funny.......looking forward to more......
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![]() Seshat
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#58
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I type or copy/paste the ones I like (taken from e-mails or conversations) in a word processor file and save it as a joke database, lol.
__________________
"Handsome is as handsome does". - proverb ![]() "People say words can't hurt, but that's not true". "It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere". – Agnes Repplier |
#59
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Betty White, 88 1/2 years young, on Saturday Night Live:
"I don't understand Facebook. You get in touch with old friends? If I want to get in touch with old friends, I have to use a Ouija board!"
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() pachyderm, Travelinglady
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#60
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Why did the duck cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() Travelinglady
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#61
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What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, LivingMiracle, lonegael, pachyderm, Seshat, Travelinglady
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#62
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What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, lonegael, Seshat, Travelinglady
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#63
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Caution: subject may be touchy.
Quote:
__________________
"Handsome is as handsome does". - proverb ![]() "People say words can't hurt, but that's not true". "It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere". – Agnes Repplier |
![]() greylove, LivingMiracle, pachyderm
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#64
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Why don't blind people like to skydive?
It scares the heck out of the dogs.
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, LivingMiracle
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#65
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A farmer is talking to his horse, and says, “Gus, you’ve been a good horse for the most part. You’re gentle and hardworking. Sometimes you balk a bit in the morning, but you quickly get in the groove of things. . .”
The horse interrupts. “I said ‘feedbag’, not ‘feedback’, you idiot.”
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The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous |
![]() greylove, lonegael, SunnyD, Travelinglady
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#66
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What did the police say to the crook?
We are police to meet you!
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove
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#67
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These are too funny! I must confess that it took a moment to catch on to the blind people skydiving and scaring the heck out of the dogs.......but no-one has ever accused me of being the brightest bulb in the chandelier
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#68
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So glad.....
Why is it so hard to fool a snake? Because you can’t pull its leg.
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, lonegael, pachyderm
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#69
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Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?
The outside
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, lonegael
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#70
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What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
ME!!!
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() Elana05, lonegael, pachyderm
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#71
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What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle’s back?
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() DancingAlone, greylove, hahalebou, lonegael, pachyderm
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#72
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What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
BAMBOO
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Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, lonegael, pachyderm
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#73
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What's the last thing that goes thru a bugs mind when it hits a windshield?
It's butt.
__________________
Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() greylove, lonegael
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#74
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In the store where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own.
One day, after parking across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in, made her purchase, and then asked, "Do you give validation?" Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair." |
![]() (JD), AvidReader, greylove, hahalebou, lonegael, pachyderm, Travelinglady
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#75
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Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He was chicken
__________________
Blessings..Sue ![]() Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. |
![]() AvidReader, greylove, pachyderm, sittingatwatersedge
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