Brother Is Gone

PlanningtoLive · Oct 14, 2009, 04:54 PM

Yesterday was my birthday and when I spoke to my parents, they told me that my brother out in Colorado had passed away on the 9th. We have all been estranged for the last 12 years or so, mostly on the fault of my brother who sexually abused my niece and numerous other things.

My problem is realizing that the person I loved as a child is gone. As an adult, he was horrible, but the child is what I remember. Any suggestions on how to grieve, how to deal with these thoughts? I am having problems sleeping now, with flashbacks.

Thank you.

Mary Alice

Miracle1986 · Oct 14, 2009, 04:55 PM

(((((Mary Alice)))))
I am so sorry for your loss.

bebop · Oct 14, 2009, 05:16 PM

I am sorry for your loss. I don't know how to tell you to grieve hon. So many mixed emotions there. I had them really bad when my mom died 16 yrs ago. She abused me as a child and even into my adulthood. I cried because there was no hope left. I cried from relief she couldn't hurt me anymore. I even cried because I felt so sorry for her for being so miserable in her life. All I can say to you is do what feels right at the moment. cry scream, laugh, whatever YOU feel. We are all here for you hon.

PlanningtoLive · Oct 14, 2009, 05:19 PM

{{{{{{{Manda, Bebop}}}}}} Thank you. He was only 52 years old and my niece claims it was from natural causes. He used to drink a great deal. Neither I nor my parents believe it was natural.

Some neighbors found him in his house on the floor. The police had to come and get in because my niece didn't have a key. I have no further information about him and it hurts.

Thanks again for the support.

Mary Alice

jolly folly · Oct 14, 2009, 07:03 PM

Hi Mary Alice, my heart goes out to you. What mixed emotions you must have and it's so sad that you have the burden of this right now. Please please be gentle with yourself over this because your brother made his own choices and as an adult followed his own path. You being a kind and caring person will be troubled by his actions and even feel that in some way you could have 'done something' 'helped him' 'reached out to him' 'changed things,,,somehow' but you know,,, the reality is that you wouldn't have been able to change him as only he could do that. I was eight when my Mother took her life but I had been estranged from her for 4 and a half years at that point and my time with her had been lets say, harsh,,and so I had this mixed emotions situation too and now I am 51 years old and only now can I see that she was a lovely person who was deeply troubled and couldn't help herself in her actions. I didn't know how to grieve and I felt awkward about that and it was all just dark and difficult almost as though I had taken on her troubles, as though I needed to take up her cause (sounds crazy,,,,is crazy) but thats how it affected me. I don't think you can not be affected by such happenings and it might well be a very good idea for you to have a one to one with a grievence counceller who will be able to unpick some of the knots and shine a bit of clarity into your life. The problem with mixed emotions is the mind is mixed by it also and it's not a good solution to go into yourself with this one and I'm thinking thank-goodness you're reaching out in this forum. I hope you get to cry your tears soon and move on with a lightened heart and promise yourself to enjoy your future birthdays

Much respect to you Mary Alice

Rapunzel · Oct 14, 2009, 10:29 PM

(((((((((( Mary Alice ))))))))))))

Mixed feelings are to be expected, and very much normal. They can be some of the hardest to deal with, though. Whatever feelings or thoughts come up for you, let them come. Accept them, notice and observe where they are coming from, try not to judge them or to shut them out or force them to stay. Whatever you feel is right for you and has a purpose and a reason.

If you have unfinished business with your brother (I'm guessing you might after all that happened and all these years), you could write him a letter. You might find grief counseling to be helpful if it's an option. If you watch public service announcements in your community, or call and ask around, you might find someone offering free grief counseling, either a workshop format or individual. Sometimes funeral homes offer this service to the community, and they often will welcome you even though your brother lived and died elsewhere.

This can also be a time to explore your own beliefs about death and any existential questions that come up for you.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. What feels right and is helpful to you is what is best for you.

I'm sorry about your brother.

PlanningtoLive · Oct 15, 2009, 01:02 PM

{{{{{{{Jolly, Wendy}}}}}}} Thank you for your support. I contacted my niece by texting her, and her replies shocked me. I realize what my brother had done to her, but she truly does not care and will not give me any more information. Maybe she doesn't understand that my family needs this for closure, to answer questions that are very basic.

I checked the papers for his obit, and found nothing. I was going to print it out for my parents. I am running into many walls with this.

Mary Alice

lynn P. · Oct 15, 2009, 01:11 PM

((((PlanningtoLive)))) - I'm so very sorry for the loss of your brother. I understand exactly what you said about needing to mourn the loss of your brother from a childs point of view. Just because he did wrong doesn't make your pain any less valid. Everyone grieves differently so you have to go on that journey your own way. You have my deepest sympathy.

Unfortunately I was estranged from my brother when he died. He was manic depressive and didn't want contact - I did. So I know the pain of losing a loved one when you're estranged. So sorry again

PlanningtoLive · Oct 15, 2009, 05:03 PM

{{{{{{{{Lynn}}}}}}}} thank you. It is hard when you've been apart. I am surprised in a lot of way over my niece's callousness and lack of cooperation in giving my family information. I think I will never know what happened.

Mary Alice

AAAAA · Oct 15, 2009, 05:56 PM

(((Mary Alice))) I'm so sorry for your loss. Very few human beings have no redeeming qualities and when someone dies we tend to put the bad behind us and grieve the loss of the good.

I understand your family's need for closure, I can think of many reasons for your niece to act the way she's doing but I cannot find a way to verbalize them in a fashion that does not sound harsh.

Just remember that she is also going through an ordeal as well, and nothing she tells you will really take away the shock associated with his death.

PlanningtoLive · Oct 15, 2009, 06:49 PM

{{{{{{AAAAA}}}}}} thank you for your kind words.

Mary Alice

BiscuitTin · Oct 16, 2009, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PlanningtoLive

Yesterday was my birthday and when I spoke to my parents, they told me that my brother out in Colorado had passed away on the 9th. We have all been estranged for the last 12 years or so, mostly on the fault of my brother who sexually abused my niece and numerous other things.

My problem is realizing that the person I loved as a child is gone. As an adult, he was horrible, but the child is what I remember. Any suggestions on how to grieve, how to deal with these thoughts? I am having problems sleeping now, with flashbacks.

Thank you.

Mary Alice

My belief is that everything is wiped clean when we die. However, in the case of a person who has abused your niece, you don't necessarily have to forgive.

I also think your adult brother was a different person from your child brother, so perhaps your grieving began when you found out that he was abusing your niece, and now that he has died you are simply experiencing the rememberance of that grief.

PlanningtoLive · Oct 16, 2009, 09:37 PM

{{{{{{{Biscuit}}}}}}} thank you. Maybe I have been dealing with his absence for awhile, and I need to just let go. I'm not sure. I know it is easier to just push it aside than deal with it, but that is not good for me.

All I wanted was some information from my niece, but her attitude is one of indifference. He was my brother, after all.

Mary Alice

AAAAA · Oct 16, 2009, 10:58 PM

Mary Alice have you contacted the local law enforcement? Surely they would have or know who to direct you to, to get information on cause of death etc. Given the circumstances, they probably know more than your niece.

PlanningtoLive · Oct 17, 2009, 05:56 PM

AAAAA, that would be an awesome idea, except for one little detail. Since we had been estranged, I'm not sure what suburb of Denver he lived in. My niece refuses to give any more information and I've checked the papers. I feel like I am dealing with a wall.

Maybe my father had his address. It is worth checking into. Thank you.

Mary Alice

Oct 17, 2009, 06:01 PM

(((((PlanningtoLive))))))))))))))) i agree with ((AAAAA)))) they will be able to help you ..
Just knowing what city he was in will help .....my heart goes out to you
my prayers to you

AAAAA · Oct 17, 2009, 06:12 PM

Start first with the county. The medical examiner usually works through the county and should have a record of his death. If you have the name on his birth certificate, his date of birth, date of death that is enough to get you pointed in the right direction.

I_WMD · Oct 18, 2009, 01:25 PM

Mary Alice ,,, First to say ,, I hope your family gets the info ya'll wish to know ...
On the other hand ,, estrangment in families happen for many reasons ... may as well go with / stick with >> The good memories that mostly prevail ....
Take Care .

WMD.

PlanningtoLive · Oct 18, 2009, 01:32 PM

Thanks everyone. I am going to find out what suburb he lived in, I think my father may have had his address, and check there.

I will never find closure with all these unanswered questions.

{{{{{{{{muffy, IWD, AAAAA, everyone}}}}}}}

Mary Alice

PlanningtoLive · Oct 18, 2009, 04:56 PM

I have called the local police where he lived, and was given the coroner's number and the records dept. number. I was told I needed his address and such, so I texted my niece and she did give me the info. There has been no obit yet because he is having an autopsy done and it will be printed after the body is released.

I asked to be kept updated. There is still the cause of his death pending, according to my niece. I feel like I am sinking.

Mary Alice

I_WMD · Oct 18, 2009, 05:19 PM

All the answers will be there >> don't sink ,,, You'll be Ok ... Bad times ,, bad thoughts in wondering ...
Keep strong for yourself ,,

WMD.

PlanningtoLive · Oct 18, 2009, 09:42 PM

{{{{{{{{{WMD}}}}}}}} thank you. I just feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Mary Alice

AAAAA · Oct 19, 2009, 07:41 AM

I hope the answers you're looking for will give you some peace.

billieJ · Oct 19, 2009, 08:17 AM

Dear Planningtolive ~ the above responders are so eloquent and wise that I can find nothing to add except my sorrow for your loss and for the mixed emotions that you feel at this time. I understand your love for the child that was your brother. You say that he grew up to be a not-so-wonderful adult, but I gather that his misbehavior was toward your niece, who is reluctant to share the details with you, even now. Perhaps you never experienced his adult behaviors. You could simply think of him as he was to you and mourn his passing as you would one who was a good person as you knew him. I, too, have sincere respect and sorrow for you at this time. billieJ

PlanningtoLive · Oct 20, 2009, 05:48 PM

{{{{{{AAAAA, billie}}}}}}}} thank you.

I got a hold of the coroner's (sp) office and found out my brother is there. They are finished with the autopsy except for some toxicology reports that could take a month to get back. So far, they are listing the death from complications of alcoholism. What a waste.

My father is having problems with this. He called yesterday and today. My mother is simply angry.

Thank you for all the support thru this everyone.

Mary Alice

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