[lynn P.]

My husband just called to say the youngest in his family passed away. He was the youngest of 8 children and only 35 yrs old. He was overly attached to his mom and wasn't able to get over her passing 2 yrs ago. Unfortunately he had this unhealthy attachment. He also had a bad health problem called neurofibromatosis and it caused him consider pain.

Apparently he complained of chest pain last night to his older brother and he said he would take him to the hospital in the morning. He was found by his sister slouched over on the sofa - we think it was a heart attack. He never has the chance to get married or have children.

I'm doing fine, but my husband is overcome with grief at losing the youngest who never got a chance at life or happiness. Since I've been in this family for 30 yrs I remember him when he was 5 and how he loved to go to MacDonalds - he was the cutest little boy. Please pray he's at peace now and pray for his remaining siblings. Even though I have issues with my husband and not really close to his family anymore....I still feel sorry for them.

[Sabrina]

I am sorry for your and your husband's loss.

[MickG]

I as well am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[lynn P.]

Thank you very much Sabrina and MickG

[Rohag]

My deepest condolences, Lynn P. Peace to you and all the family.

[Miss Laura]

Lynn P. I am sorry for your loss. I hope your Husband can put his Little Brother to rest. I also hope his feelings of guilt lifts soon

xx

[lynn P.]

Thank you ((Miss Laura)) and ((Rohag)).

[Yoda]

So sad that he was so young.

[bebop]

Lynn I am so sorry for your loss. He was so young! Death is never easy for those of us left behind.

[avoice]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[lynn P.]

Thank you to Yoda, bebop and Avoice. Yes it's so sad he was so young - he didn't have time to get married or have children. The funeral will be Wednesday. It has to be delayed because of several reasons - he passed on a holiday and at home..so a mandatory autopsy has to be done. Most of the doctors were off for the weekend, plus his older sister is coming from Australia and that takes time to book a ticket, plus the long flight. I think most families just assume the youngest will live the longest. Thank you again to everyone who responded.

[Sanada]

Sorry for the loss in the family Lynn.
So young...

[lynn P.]

Thank you Sanada and others for the condolences.

The funeral was yesterday and it was very sad, but it took a dramatic turn...... like something out of a movie. I would like to share more, but I'm wondering how to assemble my feelings first. I know people have their own reaction to death but I've never seen anything quite like what I saw yesterday. His older sister became hysterical twice yesterday and I don't think this is the correct way to express grief IMO. Lets say if I die, sure it's fine to grieve but I don't want anyone going overboard and getting sick because I'm gone. I think it also takes the focus away from 'respecting the dead person' and onto the reacting person. I felt like I was on a reality show. I don't know whether I should share more about this or not.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I don't know whether I should share more about this or not.

Let your needs guide you. Peace.

[lynn P.]

Thanks Rohag - well to start with I would practically need pages to explain the drama and manipulation which goes on with some of the family members on my husbands side. I also don't want to make my own family perfect either because my brothers funeral(one who committed suicide) was a fiasco too and I did a thread a few yrs ago on that one.

Where do I start. The oldest sister is from Australia and has been bitter enemies with my husband for a few years. She sent him a seething email when his mother died a year and a half ago and she wasn't able to come for that funeral. My husband was told not to come to her funeral, because that was his mom's one last way to alienate and hurt my husband. The older sister is very dramatic and can be mean but she apologized and he accepted.

So the yesterday morning my husband said she tends to get epileptic seizures and this is new. I had my doubts and was kind of expecting drama. I still don't know if she really has it because it only happens when she's stressed. This was a Muslim funeral and there are many good points to their traditions - for example burial should be within 24 hrs unless for legitmate reasons...which in this case there was. Mourners are advised to mourn for 3 days and then try to resume normal life. There's no embalming done, which if anyone knows what embalming entails...this is a good thing...less meddling with the body the better for me IMO. Mourners are advised it's fine to cry but NOT to wail, scream or make a spectacle of yourself - its actually considered a sin because it disrespects the dead person and draws attention from the mourners.

At the mosque before I got there, the sister already went through one attack and an ambulance was called - she wad okay and they left. They had the service and proceeded to the graveyard. After the regular mourners left just immediate family were there. She began to recite the prayers and this took a good 40 min - this isn't required but just her choice. She was also crying at the grave of her mother next to his and went so far as to put her face in the dirt and appeared to sniff it. A few minutes later she layed on the ground and the brothers/sisters all thought she was having a epileptic seizure. It appeared like she was hyper ventilating and they held her for 20 min - debating whether to call an ambulance. When someone was going to call an ambulance she opened her eyes. The whole thing was shocking and IMO should have been avoided. My kids were there and as well as other kids. I prepared my girls ahead of time to not get upset if someone start getting upset beyond normal - I sensed something like this would happen. I can't help but feel this sister just rallies in this attention. I also believe you don't have to become overly dramatic to prove your grief. This was more traumatic than the funeral itself.

[eskielover]

(((((Lynn))))),

I am sorry that I didn't see your post before today.....my sympathy goes out to your husband's family. What strength you had to make it through the funeral. Glad your strength was there to help your girls through the drama that was involved. It took a lot of strength & ability to write out your experience with the family & the funeral. It is sad when the honor of the person who has died is taken away by the drama of the grievers (family). I always knew that the funeral was for the ones left behind, but it's to give honor to the person not to create drama. I am sorry that your daughters had to go through that experience, what a trauma to go through on top of the sudden death of your husband's brother. What a memory your girls will take away from this experience.

You are always very wise with your guidance you give to your girls, I'm sure you will be able to help them with their thoughts & comments after all of this has passed.

[lynn P.]

Thank you Eskie and Rohag for letting me vent like this. I wasn't sure whether to share this and I also felt guilty for doubting her actions. If I'm mistaken and she does have these spontanous reactions then I would feel guilty for ny empathizing enough, so I'm left with these confusing feelings. I researched the proper Muslim funeral practices, so I feel comfort in knowing I'm right with some of these feelings. At that moment I wasn't feeling somber from his his death but stressed out. The poor funeral home yard workers were waiting for an hour in the hot for us to leave so they could fill in the dirt.

I noticed the last few years with some Christian funerals that they're getting away from just the grieving type funerals and leaning toward a 'celebration' of a persons life. I went to a famous hockey players funeral and they even have live Christian band at the service - it was a nice balance between respectful grieving and focusing on the persons life and the good they achieved.

At least my husband did well and quietly cried while embracing my girls. After we all went to another brothers house and my husband left after a few minutes. He went to the grocery store and bought six already cooked chickens, and shrimp for a stir fry dish. He made all the salad and the stir fry dish and I thought that was very thoughtful. I know him and I have our problems but he does have a kind and helpful side - I'm able to see this despite his faults.

[eskielover]

I know how important it is to put our feelings into words & get them expressed either through writing or talking.

I think funerals take on so many different ways of expression. The guy I went to college with died the spring before my Mother. It was very much a celebration of his life & what he had meant to everyone. Sadly, I knew some of the mental abuse his wife had gone through with him, but it didn't lessen the fact that he had done good things in other ways. It was hard knowing the conflicting emotions that were going on there.....but it was a very respectful funeral.

My mother's funeral I had only at the grave side & only for very close family & special close friends. Her church sadly was NOT invited because some were involved in the trauma that occurred & I couldn't have them anywhere near me.....so her church held a memorial service for her the week before the funeral while I was still in the hospital but I wouldn't have gone anyway. The funeral in my mother's case was almost 2 weeks later because of rain & winter weather even in California at the end of January & I couldn't physically be there until then so they were willing to wait. Seems like every funeral has something that makes it anything but normal however, I do think that all our Christian funerals are a celebration of the person's life & definitely of the eternal life after death.

Think your husband's way of dealing with grief might be that of getting away & cooking.....his way of calming himself down. Interesting because all the funerals I have gone to, everyone brings so much food that there is no need to cook anything....there is always enough food to feed the family for almost a month after the funeral. Glad you husband was able to express his grief in a very productive way.

I know what you mean about not being able to live with the husband but it doesn't mean that they don't have nice points mixed in with the things we can no longer tolerate. One just has to weigh between those things in the decision to stay or remove yourself from the marriage (whether physically or mentally). The sad thing is that from the outside, they look good because outside people just see those nice things since we usually hide the bad things from outside people knowing, then they wonder why in the world we could possibly not be with them.

Life is never easy or simple...we just learn to live with it as best as we can.

[lynn P.]

Thanks for sharing your story, listening to mine and understanding (((eskie))). It really does help talking about this and that why PC is a great place. I feel much better now that I shared how I feel. Thanks to ((Rohag)) also for the gentle encouragement.

[bebop]

I am really sorry you had to go thru that Lynn. I do see both sides of the grieving though. With my brother I cried hard. it seemed it was beyond my control during his service. With my Dad it was a different story. I couldn't cry really. I even spoke at his funeral without crying. My mom was the type that passed out at funerals. her body couldn't handle the stress. she had to be taken away in an ambulance at my grandpa's funeral. some just can't handle it. especially being away from family out of the country I would imagine the grief. you just never know really if it is for real or like you said for the show. really sad either way.

So sad, particularly since you remember him as a little boy full of potential and vitality. It's weird how when we experience a loss we always reminisce and go back to the very beginning.