Not sure what's behind the door

My sister and I both realized that neither of us had heard from mom for a little while (she's 72, lives alone). She's not returning calls. She's not answering the phone.

We're going over, in a little while (minutes).

I have a key, to let us in.

Not sure what's behind the door.

Lar

Oh my goodness! I don't even know what to say.

I wish you and your sister much strength! And I wish you Mom ........... My goodness, I feel speechless.

Be strong!

She's sick. Not sure of passage of time. Very depressed. But still able to refuse assistance. She's not sick enough, yet, for us to over-ride her decisions. I'm going to talk to her doctor, and see what we can do.

Thanks for your response, Sabrina. It helped a lot.

Lar

Oh my goodness..Larry. GL!!~Dottie

I hope everything is ok....is she of sound mind?

She is competent to refuse assistance. She hasn't seen a doctor in 12 or 13 years (we have the same family physician). She wants to do it her way. It's going to be a challenge. She doesn't accept that not answering the phone and not returning calls is even a problem. <deep breath>

When a martyr gets old.....

I appreciate the concern. But I am so tired right now. She sucks my energy, like no other person can. I feel like I am stunned.

Lar

so sorry for your pain....i've been in that situation..if you ever need an ear......i'm here

Larry we are going thru something very similar with my MIL right now...the only difference is she had to be put in a nursing home due to an injury to her back. she is refusing any treatment right now...stubborn older people!! errr

(((((Larry)))))

I don't know what to say except that I hope the best for you and the situation with your mother.

(((((((((((((((((((larry))))))))))))))))))))))))

please be good to yourself right now. you've been through quite a bit.

you're in my thoughts.

KD

Larry, I have a lot of thoughts on this but the main one is for you to stay living your life separate and refuse to become her caregiver. If she gets sick enough to be out of her mind then you can decide what should be done. Take care of yourself.

Thanks, everybody, for all your support.

The hardest thing I face is this. If I have any buttons that can be pushed, she's the installer of them. She's my perpetrator.

My sister and I had to de-brief each other last night, and we made a pact. Neither of us sees her alone, and we always de-brief afterwards. We're meeting tomorrow to map out strategies, based on services available to us.

The grief is post-poned. Best to manage the suffering.

Thanks again,
Lar

Good luck to you, Lar. Nobody can push a kid's button like his or her mom, no matter how old the kid is!

It sounds like you and your sis have a good plan.

I'll be thinking of you.

Candy

Take care Larry!!

Larry,

It is good that you have your sister working with you for the best interest of your Mother. I went through a similar situation just over a year ago when my Mother was dying of cancer, being the only family member left, & the only child.

None of the Dr's were willing to deam her incompetent of making rational decisions which caused me to have to live through a horrible ID theft trauma.

I got her surgeon to admit her into the hospital after she told me that "she had lost her balance" & slid down to the floor. Come to find out, there were blood clots in her legs & either a blood clot had caused a mild stroke or the cancer was spreading to her brain. The Dr's excuse was that she was getting older & people with cronic illnesses start loosing their cognative abilities. I found out later that both the Social Workers & her Dr's wanted to discharge her to a care facility but I put in many requests to be part of the discussions & never once was called to arrange that to happen. She was discharged in worse condition than even when she had come in.....by telling the PT's that she didn't want to do the walking. When she left the hospital she could no longer even use the walker & her mind could no longer even figure out how to make change for $100. I saw this all happening & couldn't get the Dr's to do anything about it & for some reason refused to take away her making her own decisions which were no longer based on anything except emotions of wanting to be at home. If I had been part of the discussion, I never would have allowed her to go home & she knew that, so made sure I wasn't there for any of the discussions. I even put in requests at the nursing station with the social workers to call me & make sure I was there for the discussions, but it never happened.

Even after the home care RN that did all the ID theft & OD'ed my Mother on morphine & had the police called to accuse me of abusing my Mother all in 5 days, & I had my Mother taken back to the hospital by the paramedics, she continued to tell the PT's how well she got around the house with her walker while they were just trying to hold her sitting up in her hospital bed which she couldn't do by herself. She couldn't hold a conversation but for some reason, the Dr's refused to take away her ability to make her own decisions even then. I guess there is a fear that family will take advantage of the situation, but it is very sad at what my Mother went through because they wouldn't include me in on the care information. I finally had to do the paperwork for the hospice care & for everything else, but not once did they ever legally take away her right to make her own decisions up to the day she died.

It sounds like you & your sister work well together for the best interest of your mother, but no matter what, make sure that you are part of the information loop with the Dr's.......this comes from a person that realizes that I should have pushed harder at being part of the whole picture.

It is very hard working with a mother who is a very strong willed independent person who is not willing to listen to reason......but as long as you have the support of each other, you will probably not end up going through the horror experience I went through. It is wonderful that you both care for your Mother like you do. It is really hard when you care & are pushed away by them like I was. Unfortunately, the stress that I went through with her hit me with not being able to eat & turned into a massive weight loss that landed me in the medical hospital.

I hope that you both are strong enough working together to make sure that the best & appropriate care is provided for your Mother & not necessaraily what she wants if it is wrong.

Work together like you are now & hopefully nothing like what happened to me will be able to happen to your family........we never are sure of what is behind the door when our parent is alone at home with any medical problem that even supprisingly pops up. You are on the right track with your mothers best interest in your minds & I pray that she will be getting well, but always keep what you are experiencing in mind because as they get older, more issues tend to pop up.

You have my best wishes for your Mother & for you both,
Debbie

Thank you, very much, for your understanding and experience, eskie. The situation is summarized right here, "I even put in requests at the nursing station with the social workers to call me & make sure I was there for the discussions, but it never happened." Your mom had veto. They would surely have told your mom that you were requesting an opportunity to attend, but they can't make her do it. It's all about control.

It doesn't rain, it pours. We only just did my dad. Three weeks or so ago. Inhome consult with him and us and a community care nurse. Over two hours, assessing his needs and the availability of service. He thought we were trying to put him in a care home. He was scared sh*tless. But we were there to help him stay in his home, with his friends, as long as possible.

He had fallen, said he lay there for days before someone found him. He was using a walker that he'd borrowed. When we asked why he hadn't gone to the hospital when he was found, he said, "They're not around. They've been closed for three weeks. What could I do?" 911 didn't even occur to him.

He had open-heart surgery with an alcohol drip, so he wouldn't go into withdrawals on the table. He had a prescription for four beers a day, in the recovery ward, following surgery. They moved in a little fridge, and the nurse would come in and pop one open for him, four times a day. It's best he lives alone, as long as he possibly can. He's happy, with all the supports now in place. Like a pig in *****. Meals sent in. The nurse comes once a week to check his meds and do blood draws, etc. Drivers set up for medical appointments. An emergency button he wears round his neck.

Now, my mom. Three weeks later. Quite a different situation. God, give me strength.

Thank God for routine. I have a routine, to get through by. I have trained for this day.

Lar

Larry, what can I say, you are awesome!

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Larry. Take good care of yourself. ~Dottie

I don't know what I'm awesome for, but thank you.

Lar

Lar, anyone who has to put up with shite like this is awesome just for doing it!

My dad finally died of his alcoholism several years ago, but my mom is still alive and well and drinking, and stubborn as all get-out -- she's 77 and just finally realized, after she fell on her face and gave herself her umpteenth concussion, that she needs to be in assisted living.

While that's probably true, it would also help if she would quit drinking....but that's unlikely to happen.

My mom was my perp too, so I know all the mixed feelings you must be having, and the trouble that goes along with dealing with them, and with her. That you're hanging on to your sanity and pulling the whole deal off makes you awesome in my book too!



Candy

because you see clearly and have a plan and are protecting yourself and still being responsible for this parent. Awesome is all I can say.

Is it possible to love strangers? You guys, The mother was my main perp as well. And I can say without doubt that should she ever be in that position I would let her rot. She is not my responsibility. I used to think that mothers abusing children was rare. Oh my how this site has opened my eyes.

Doc, I think you should do a little segment on it. Get professionals in the field to post articles for us here and have the discussion. I mean, a mother hurting a child in those ways is totally taboo.

Well, thanks again, I guess. I'm too stunned right now to notice, which again shows the value of training, of preparation. I knew this would be the hardest thing I ever did, seeing them off (unless it came of a sudden). So, this is still a grieving process for me, notwithstanding that they haven't died. Yet.

I can't talk about what happened, yet, because we remember things differently. I've had some special conversations, where I drew them each out about certain events, never letting on that I much recalled the event at all. And their memories are not accurate. I'll just leave it at that. I know they tried their best. As I would honour any person for that, I cannot speak more fully until they pass. There is no point, no point whatsoever, to their discovering that I have a very different recollection and experience to recount. So be it.

I'm so f*cking exhausted, already. I don't usually swear. Sorry.

Lar

oh larry......i feel your pain.......your utter exhaustion.....please take care and know that there will ultimately be resolution to this....i have walked in your shoes and i feel for you with all my heart........

I'm sorry you are in such pain, Lar. Parents have a way of triggering our emotions, no matter how old we are. I'm not surprised your parents memories are inaccurate. No two people perceive an event the same way, but mothers are notorious revisionist historians. My mother almost always recounts family stories the way she would like them to be, not how they were.

It sounds like you and your sister have a good, supportive relationship. Don't forget to take care of yourselves.