[1205am]

Hi all,

I am new to this forum and wanted to know if grief of a loved one was really as bad as what people say it is, depending on how close u r to someone. I lost my grandmother just last year, last March and felt sadness of course but wasn't like really close to her.

I have been thinking about death ever since then, like what happens after we die and stuff, and recently wonder how I would cope if I had lost someone closer like a best friend or spouse. Most of what I see on articles dealing with grief is that it is an extremely tough time for someone who loses someone. I feel as though there is no point in being happy if I know that day will come when someone close to me dies and I'll end up being miserable. I am already depressed, have been before grandmother's death (not trying to rant here) but feel more depressed thinking about how to cope with losing someone who is actually close.

[WidowReynolds55]

Hi 1205am,
I, too, am a new member as of last nite. One of the main reasons I KNOW I'm going to love being a part of this forum is because there are always going to be people who are going through similar life situations as we are and can give new insight into what we may be feeling or thinking.
Yes, grief is horrible. I have lost family members in the past--dad, grandparents, close first cousins, friends--but I lost my husband of 30 years this past January. I feel like a part of me died with him and in a way, it did. I have felt totally crippled over his death; totally dysfunctional. I used to be on top of my game as wife, mother, etc and now I just don't know which way to go. I have to learn to be someone else now...and as a widow, I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore. I went to grief counseling for a while, but it didn't really help me much. Grief is a process that you have to make your own. No one else can tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. Right now I feel like I will never stop grieving over the loss of my husband. He became really sick in March of 2012 and was diagnosed with end-stage liver disease....cirrhosis. And from that moment, until his death in January, I took care of him at home. I felt like no one else could care for him like I could. Because I love him. The doctors didn't love him. The hospice nurse didn't love him. Only me and the kids loved him. I wanted to provide him with the best quality end-of-days that I could possibly give him. I put my own health and well-being on the back burner for 10 months to make sure that he knew he was loved and cared for completely! My immune system plummeted and it seemed I caught every bug or sickness that came by. He was cremated. A lot of his ashes have been spread in various places, but I still have some in his urn that I keep on top of my dresser in the bedroom. I talk to him all the time. I still cry a lot. His side of the bed is so cold at night and that makes me cry, too. I hug his pillow and sometimes I think his scent is still there but I think it's just wishful thinking. We were together over half our lives. It's hard to let go of that. I don't think I can. I think the hardest part of losing him is the 'starting over' part. I just haven't figured that out yet. As of today, I have no job (no income) and no desire to even get out and look for one. There are days that I don't get dressed, take a bath, comb my hair or even open the front door to look outside. My doctor prescribed Adderall for me and it has really been a godsend. I finally had the energy and desire to at least take a bath and get dressed and get out of the house. Things are slowly getting a little better. I guess when we lose someone we've shared a life with, we never truly get over it but we just learn to live a different way. I sincerely hope that you never experience a loss like this, but as my grandma used to say...."Death is the only sure part of living." Grandma and her sayings! I don't know if my running on with all this has helped you in any way, but I have to be selfish and say that it actually helped me to write it! So, I thank you for that. Just remember tho....we can't go around being afraid of bad things happening all the time. We miss out on so many good things. I still have our children and they are absolutely wonderful! Sometimes I forget that they lost their father the same time I lost my husband. So we help each other heal. Just live and love as hard as you can for as long as you can.

[1205am]

Sorry to hear about your loss, and yeah, I find writing is a good way to get something off of my chest too.

[lubica77]

Originally Posted by 1205am

Hi all,

I am new to this forum and wanted to know if grief of a loved one was really as bad as what people say it is, depending on how close u r to someone. I lost my grandmother just last year, last March and felt sadness of course but wasn't like really close to her.

I have been thinking about death ever since then, like what happens after we die and stuff, and recently wonder how I would cope if I had lost someone closer like a best friend or spouse. Most of what I see on articles dealing with grief is that it is an extremely tough time for someone who loses someone. I feel as though there is no point in being happy if I know that day will come when someone close to me dies and I'll end up being miserable. I am already depressed, have been before grandmother's death (not trying to rant here) but feel more depressed thinking about how to cope with losing someone who is actually close.

I just lost my husband 3 months ago and it is agonizing there are no words to describe how I feel no matter where I go or what I do the pain doesnt stop and wishing to die, crawl under a rock it is unrelentless.

[Kendyll]

I lost my father in January, and we just buried him in June (Northern climate, frozen ground, etc...). He was sick for a couple of years, so I had time to get used to him going away. It hurts. A big part of my world is just gone. No more fishing trips. No more long afternoon conversations. No more big hugs. So many little things that I didn't even think about now show up as empty holes. Sometimes I'm OK and sometimes memories flood over me so strongly I can hardly breathe. I cry. I scream. I whimper. I get angry. I get sad. And eventually the wave of pain washes past me and I'm numb. And then I'm OK. Then it hits again. Then I'm fine again. I have dreams about him, then I don't sleep. His old favorite songs found their way into my head and then onto my iPod. I don't miss him ALL the time, but i miss him every day.

That said, I would never let the possibility of future grief stand in the way of enjoying present relationships. Yes, I will someday grieve if I love, but today the love and friendships are so powerful and positive it really does make it worth it. It's like...I grieve every time one of my cats dies, because I loved them and they were part of my life. But that doesn't stop me from getting other cats, because I enjoy having them in my life. The same kind of thing with people. I enjoy having people in my life - friends and family. I know there's a good-bye somewhere down the road, but I don't let that overshadow the joy of today.

Grief is hard to describe. It has several elements of emotions. Sadness, dejection, anger etc. It's very intense much like depression.

I feel as though there is no point in being happy if I know that day will come when someone close to me dies and I'll end up being miserable.

That's kind of like saying you will never eat because you know you will only get hungry again later.

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by Kendyll

That said, I would never let the possibility of future grief stand in the way of enjoying present relationships. Yes, I will someday grieve if I love, but today the love and friendships are so powerful and positive it really does make it worth it. It's like...I grieve every time one of my cats dies, because I loved them and they were part of my life. But that doesn't stop me from getting other cats, because I enjoy having them in my life. The same kind of thing with people. I enjoy having people in my life - friends and family. I know there's a good-bye somewhere down the road, but I don't let that overshadow the joy of today.

I am going to second what this poster said. Not allowing oneself to love someone - person or critter- deprives one of so much. I quoted one of my favorite songs in my Mom's eulogy "I could have done without the pain, but then I would have had to miss the dance."

Everything is life is temporary. Living things die. Material things break or wear out. The key is to gain as much joy out of what is while it exists.

1205am, you asked if grief is as bad as some people say. That's hard to answer. I've lost my entire bio family one by one, my spouse and following my husband's death, my in-laws cut me off so I "lost" them too. I won't even get started on the huge number of fur family members that have died. The grief of each death was individual. Some hurt like holy bejeebers. Some hurt less than that. And I would not give up one second of the time I had with any of them to avoid the pain I felt when they were gone. The thing is that we eventually recover from the pain and find a way move on in life. The pain never completely goes away. It just becomes more manageable with the passage of time.

[Citrine]

Depressingly I tell you I have suffered grief more times than I should have by my age now. It has stages and everyone reacts differently. I become inconsolable and straight into a shut off state. If not sleeping or staring I would be sobbing. I found it hard to be around their belongings and their usual places. I care nothing for myself and simply forget to think about food. Also alot of talking to them out loud (as though above) and sharp flashbacks of any sadness they ever endured has haunted me. This is the intense stage. It then minimises and after several weeks I have been able to eat almost normally and go near their things, further on again though I cry but do not feel the physical pain inside I did initially. It can take a long time for me to fix and of those gone I am now still left wishing they had better lives and had more love, lived longer and wondering what they would be like now. Occasionally I will reminisce about little things but it doesnt kill me to do so. The above descriptions apply to my closest family. I have felt slowed up sadness and sobbing for those not so close.

When we lose others the pain is because we truly think we will never see them again,we dont know if we will or wont but it makes us love and treasure those we have still much more and maybe that is the point. We must give out as much love as we can in our time. If we knew the answer was oh yes u get to see them again, dont worry about what you do in this life... what would good would it do. We wouldnt cherish life as much maybe. I personally believe there is something else out there but no clue what.

I would not push away anyone or anything so I wont be hurt. Cleverly we end up loving and caring again we would miss out on so much if we didnt. It just takes time.

[don964964]

I think there are different levels of grief that you feel , I have lost many family members and friends.. the lose of one grandmother hit me harder then the lose of the other same holds for my grandfathers, aunts , uncles and friends . I was closer to the ones I felt less grief for then I was for the grandmother I couldn't let go of.
maybe it is in the ways they/we move on to the next plane of existence ?
If it is fast and unexpected or was there a long illness , giving us time to prepare for them leaving...... I lost my wife 46 weeks ago , it happened very fast not feeling well to a diagnosis to surgery to high hopes to death in less then two weeks time.
her lose is the hardest of all , my love for her is very strong , we were very close.
so the pain of losing her is still unbearable...... on top of being depressed befor I find it near impossible to cope ...

[yellowted]

No-one quite understands what losing your man is like,

Its worse than falling off and breaking your long saved for new bike.

It leaves you feeling lonely when you have friends around,

It leaves you listening on a night for every little sound.

Just longing for that special one who

always cared and said he loved you.

People say, you'll find another,

But no-one can replace your one true lover.

That's the one with whom you are meant to be,

And no other one can live up to he.

You try and carry on the best you can,

But all the time you're longing for your man.

It leaves a hole within your heart

Which nothing can fill whilst your apart.

There is a tunnel but there is no light,

Just a hurt deep inside both day and night.

That hurt will pass people say without knowing,

When in fact it just keeps on growing and growing.

Nothing seems quite as it should,

That hole is there it's there for good.

The world goes on though your world's ended,

That hole in your heart will never be mended.

No matter what you try to do

That hurt is there a haunting you.

Five or ten years down the line,

Just when you think you're doing fine,

Something will remind you of your love that's gone,

It may be a photo, a saying, a song.

Then suddenly all the hurt comes back ,

And for a while your world turns black.

You pick yourself up and carry on again,

But deep inside that hurt remains.

Locked away until you die,

And are reunited with your lover in the sky.

But till the time you're laid to rest,

You just have to carry on and do your best.

a poem i wrote about four years ago, long after losing my partner

[Citrine]

Thats a great piece yellowted. Your expression at your sorrow, is there for others to see they arent alone. Im sorry for your loss, no matter how long ago.

[Grey Matter]

Grief, to me, is all consuming. People say it's a selfish process. I suppose it is. I am not the same person I was when all these people left me. in 2004, my grandfather died. In 2006, my grandmother followed. In 2011, my best friend left. In 2012, my Uncle saw his mother and father again. In 2013, my brother left this world. And with each of those deaths, a part of me went too.

Some days, I can smile. I can talk about them. Laugh. Remember how I loved them and how they loved me. I can hear their voices if I try. And sometimes, I feel like they were never here at all. I see pictures of me and my brother and realize we had a whole life. And that life is now gone. And he is gone too. I feel like I've lost a limb. Sometimes I forget he died and go to call him only to realize we shut his phone off.

Grief is an obstacle. You learn. You hurt. You beg. You accept. You beg some more. All I can tell those I've lost is they gave me the privilege to love them. And that brings me comfort.