cancer and family history

As you are also in mine ,,,,,

WMD.

http://cancer.stanford.edu/informati...basic-left.gif

Thought this may be helpful .......

WMD.
Information About End Of Life Care

Sometimes, cancer cannot be cured. When that is the case, patients and families are faced with complex emotions and a variety of end of life issues.
A terminally ill person has no expectation of a cure for his/her disease or illness, but still requires a lot of care and comfort. Knowing what a dying person understands about his/her condition, as well as his/her fears, feelings, emotions, and physical changes that occur, may help those around them make the diagnosis and final process easier to cope with.
The emotional, physical, and spiritual impact a dying friend, family member, or spouse has on a family and community cannot be measured. Understanding how people at different ages and developmental levels view death and dying may help to alleviate many of the fears and uncertainties associated with this process.
The concept of death:

Everyone has his/her own unique concept of death. Past experiences with death, as well as one's age, emotional development, and surroundings, are what most influence one's own concept of death. Movies, television, and books are filled with images of death. The person with a terminal condition may have previously lost a family member, friend, or pet. Treating death as a part of life is difficult, but may help alleviate some of the fear and confusion associated with it. Dealing with death must be done within the beliefs of the family.
How children and youth view death:

• Infant
  For an infant, death has no real concept. Infants do, however, react to separation from parent(s), painful procedures, and any alteration in their routine. An infant that is terminally ill will require as much care, physically and emotionally, to maintain a comfortable environment as any age group. Maintaining a consistent routine is important for the infant and his/her caregivers. Because infants cannot verbally communicate their needs, fear is often expressed by crying.
• Toddler
  For the toddler, death has very little meaning. They may receive the most anxiety from the emotions of those around them. When a toddler's parents and loved ones are sad, depressed, scared, or angry, they sense these emotions and become upset or afraid. The terms "death" or "forever" or "permanent" may not have real value to children of this age group. Even with previous experiences with death, the child may not understand the relationship between life and death.
• Preschooler
  Preschool-aged children may begin to understand that death is something feared by adults. This age group may view death as temporary or reversible, as in cartoons. Death is often explained to this age group as "went to heaven." Most children in this age group do not understand that death is permanent, that everyone and every living thing will eventually die, and that dead things do not eat, sleep, or breathe. Death should not be explained as "sleep" to prevent the possible development of a sleep disorder.
  
  Their experience with death is influenced by those around them. They may ask questions about "why?" and "how?" death occurs. The pre-school child may feel that his/her thoughts or actions have caused the death and/or sadness of those around. The pre-school child may have feelings of guilt and shame.
  
  When a child in this age group becomes seriously ill, they may believe it is their punishment for something they did or thought about. They do not understand how their parents could not have protected them from this illness.
  
  This idea may make the preschool-age sibling of a dying child to feel as if they are the cause of the illness and death. Young siblings of dying children need reassurance and comforting during this time period, as well.
• School-age Child
  School-aged children are developing a more realistic understanding of death. Although death may be personified as an angel, skeleton, or ghost, this age group is beginning to understand death as permanent, universal, and inevitable. They may be very curious about the physical process of death and what happens after a person dies. They may fear their own death because of uncertainty of what happens to them after they die. Fear of the unknown, loss of control, and separation from family and friends can be the school-aged child's main sources of anxiety and fear related to death.
• Adolescent
  As with people of all ages, past experiences and emotional development greatly influence an adolescent's concept of death. Most adolescents understand the concept that death is permanent, universal, and inevitable. They may or may not have had past experiences with death of a family member, friend, or pet.
  Adolescents, similar to adults, may want to have their religious or cultural rituals observed.
  
  Most adolescents are beginning to establish their identity, independence, and relationship to peer groups. A predominant theme in adolescence is feelings of immortality or being exempt from death. Their realization of their own death threatens all of these objectives. Denial and defiant attitudes may suddenly change the personality of a teenager facing death. An adolescent may feel as if they no longer belong or fit in with their peers. In addition, they may feel as if they are unable to communicate with their parents.
  
  Another important concept among adolescents is self-image. A terminal illness and/or the effects of treatment may cause many physical changes that they must endure. The adolescent may feel alone in their struggle, scared, and angry.

It is important for parents to realize that children of all ages respond to death in a unique way. Children need support and, in particular, someone who will listen to their thoughts, and provide reassurance to alleviate their fears.
How adults deal with death:

Grief is a natural human response to the loss of a loved one. It can manifest itself in many ways. Grief moves in and out of stages from disbelief and denial, to anger and guilt, to finding a source of comfort, to eventually adjusting to the loss.
It is normal for both the dying person and the survivors to experience grief. For survivors, the grieving process can take many years and many forms. The challenge of accepting death and dying as the end stage of life is what the grieving process is all about.
What is anticipatory grief vs. sudden loss?

• Anticipatory grief occurs when someone has a prolonged illness, and the patient as well as the family anticipates death. Anticipating the loss of a loved one can be just as painful and stressful as the actual act of losing that person. Anticipatory grief allows the family to prepare for the inevitable death. This can be a time to resolve issues and concerns, seek the support of spiritual leaders, family, and friends, and clarify the loved one's wishes for funeral and burial arrangements and other end-of-life issues.
• Sudden loss is a death that happens unexpectedly and suddenly, such as a fatal accident or heart attack. Such tragedies can leave survivors feeling shocked and confused. Loved ones are often left with many questions, unresolved issues, and a range of emotions, including anger, guilt, and pain. Support from family, friends, and clergy is vital to persons experiencing sudden loss.

What may happen in the case of anticipated loss?

Many, although not all, persons facing their own death are willing to discuss issues of death and dying. This can be a time to discuss spiritual issues, resolve family concerns, reflect on a loved one's life and accomplishments, and express gratitude. It also provides an opportunity to put practical matters in order, including the following. Consider:

• Can funeral expenses be pre-paid?
• Which funeral home would the person prefer to handle arrangements?
• Can the person assist with obituary information to make sure it is accurate and complete?
• What are the individual's specific funeral wishes?
• If a church service is in order, can the person facing death help plan favorite Scripture passages or hymns?
• Is cremation or burial preferred?
• Has a cemetery plot been purchased?
• Does the person wish for memorial contributions to be made to a particular charity or benevolent organization?
• Can the person direct others regarding important practical issues, such as wills, bank accounts, lawyer's name, pension plans, retirement funds, and life insurance policies?

just stopping by to say that you were on my mind today....hoping that you are ok..love you

.............I now know ,,,,,,,,,, just what it is I have lost .

My Best Friend and confidant /.............................. and sometimes it feels like , I lost my only friend. .......................

....... here is a little something I wrote to/for, her back in the late 80 s' .

Let me write you a little story , from my mind ,,,,,, deep in , and my heart .
My thoughts ,, of a boyhood not forever lost , but most probably , deeply buried . It might start off a little strange sounding , but it's to get my hand , pen , and feelings in the right frame .,,,,,, You see ,,,,,, it is going to be a story of feelings .

Thus , when she told me to leave , she had far more wisdom than I did .
I didn't know what to say ,, I couldn't promise to try and change my ways, ,,, for I had been trying for a year .

Perched there on the edge of my bed ,, I felt I was losing my mind .
After she gazed at my panic - strickened face , she said , " You've tried everything else , why don't you try God ?"

Then she turned and walked away, crying .
.............. " What a strange idea ". Where does she get off bringing God into this ?"
And anyway ?????,,,, " How do you try God ?" I mean ,,,, why would he want to talk to me ?"
I didn't talk to him when things were fine ,,, .
And when my father died , I cursed him , and asked " Why?"
But as I pondered her question , I realized my carefully crafted world was slowly going down the tubes . The sum total of my very best effort ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, had been a Big Zero .
I needed help .


..........to be continued.

.................

For she was a Romantic who lived only on the outskirts of reality where she could step into the peace and sanctity of the dream whenever her sanity so demanded , a necessary romantic who could survive her own past only by distorting the past in memory and could look to a barren future with hope by molding the future at will to her own desires .
She had learned well that peculiar art of self - protection wherein she could step into another world , when this world became unbearable .

The dream was of course , the ubiquitous dream of a growing child , a Fairy Tale Romance , the Knight in Shining Armor .
But that dream had thus been destroyed .
So she was left naked , devoid of the necessary protective shield .
Reality closed in , and there were no more dreams left to escape to . So she had been forced to construct another shield , another wall . Only this time the protection was not from the world , but from herself , a crumbling and superficial facade of self denial that stood between her and her emotions , so that for a time at least , ,,,,,,,,, almost a year , until the wall began tumbling down at night , she could actually convince herself that she was not only content ,,,,,, but happy , could even deny that he wanted to escape , not because she did not want to ,,, but because no one , least of all , herself , expected her to want to escape .

............ to be continued .

......... She leaned against him as they walked , feeling his gentle strength , as though it was possible to absorb it . Somehow she had not found the comfort in his release ,,, as she had hoped for .
There was not even relief .

It seemed too far away now , too absurd to matter anymore . Like a dream which has been relinquished . She wanted only to sleep .

.............. to be continued .

........... So he started to reflect on his own life . Brought up in the church and all its' philosophies of * Love thy neighbor * , " Do unto others , as they do on to you " , " Honor thy mother and thy father " ....... ? How was that ? Of course ,,, it was easy to say , but weren't you always told ,, " actions speak louder than words " . Then why ?
... why was it with all the things said about Love and honor ,,, was it so hard ?
Could it have been the actions of those around you were so contradictory in nature ? Could it have been , Love , drunkeness , hateful words and actions were all necessary to a family , along with a father being the bread winner and the mother being the disciplinarian ?
To bad the child was young , and of not the knowledge of any other way . But the boy did grow .
And as he grew , he felt conflict inside . He had a peaceful nature growing inside . He also had the violent , hateful ways as an example .

So being basically a loner in thought ,,,, he became a loner in life .
Drugs released his mind to dreams , hopes , and desires . Dreams . Dreams to Love someone ,,,, Dreams to raise children . And more so , to set a better example . The desire to have a nice house , large yard , hopes to be successful and supportive .
Drugs .
Drugs continued to be part of his life . The release from his parents example and passage into his dreams . It was many years , many years latter that he finally learned how the dreams were not to be achieved . He had never matured , for the drugs kept his dream alive , but never allowed him to grow up , to learn how to implement his wants into reality .
Being constantly told he would never amount to anything , he had a very hard time pulling away from the old example . The old upbringing . The old thought of honor thy mother and thy father .
But had there been something wrong there ? Yes !!! ,,, He emerged from his alcohol and drug use with an understanding . He needed to grow up . Let go of the old thoughts . But not his dreams . For they were not faulty . They were sound . They could be realized , and made obtainable .

............. to be continued.

....... He met the girl once . And for a long time , never knew her .
She had the same dream . He never realized . But for the time they were together he closeted his dream . And she was loving . Could he have been the Knight she hoped for ? ,,, maybe. So now he knows he wasn't that knight . And if he was, his armor was tarnished . It no longer shined .

Funny how what she had said so long ago , was the thing that would put the shine back . ,,, God .
Is his dream possible ? Only when the love in his heart melts through the armor to dissolve the tarnish , and bring back the Knight of her fairy tale romance .

.......... to be continued.

........... Back to each ones pasts and dreams . The things that were the good things they were raised to believe and dream . It's his move . For his dream is to court a Beautiful Lady and prove his Love and bring forth the blessings of a family . And so he begins , by first courting his beautiful Lady in the ways of old . For these are the startings in which to kindle the Fire of Love .

The E N D .

...............................................but really the beginning .
L O V E ,,,, Me ,,
Your Friend . Your Knight .
.

admin . Hope ya not mind if I end this thread with some of hers' and ours' songs we liked ........

.........

(Administrative edit: Videos moved to Videos forum:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=96181)



.........never got to be this old together ,,,,,, but death ,,,,,, did us part .
.................................................................................xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox...........................................

WMD.

thank you for sharing that with us i wmd

(((( WMD )))

Those songs are beautiful and perfect.

..........More than half Our Lives ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, The compass you were to Me ??????????

.......but , this loneliness ,,,, is >>>>>>>............???????????????

I am sooo very sorry! Cancer is an evil disease. My uncle died in June 6 mo after his diagnosis. He ran five miles a day til the day of his diagnosis. He was a pilot in the USAF for 20 years and then so quickly just gone, ravaged away to a barely recognizable man.......~gentle hugs~ to help you get through the day

i'm so sorry to hear of your lonliness..it really hurts and i hate to know that you are hurting.......wish i could give you a hug.....love you bc

~Chris~
Yes ,, agreed Chris ,, insedious and never caring who has to watch >>> and continue on with the hurt and loss.

~ G E N T L E HUGSSSSS ~ Back at Ya .
WMD.

bc , Is in the mid place of not knowing whether to curl up or Straighten up ...........

Me thinks I best >>>.. lean on the most lightening struck tree I can find >> and sap some of it's strength and deep Roots ....

T/C >> butterfly.

WMD.

always in my thoughts...please take good care......

I found myself thinking over the years we spent together ;

Donna never complained about ,, PMS ,yes cramps , but never moody .[ just craved chocolate ]....or a toothache , where I would want ice to dull the pain, she would say nothing , even as a bothersome tooth absyssed out her lower jawbone, without even swelling . Even to have a tooth extraction and be given a mild pain reliever, she would opt for her headache powders and a couple beers.

The point I am trying to make for myself ??

When we did the POA medical decisions , and she named me , the trust [ tears well in my eyes as I write this ],
faith she had in me , to be respectful to her wants .....[ no interference please ].

Although through her last 17 months ,, it was the last 6 weeks , she was determined in her choice .
And so when the time came , IDK , 8 - 9 days ?,,before she passed >> for the POA as to medical needs went , ..... the trust , and faith she had in me ,, courage ? , Love ? , Believing for sure , I would not break my word ?

No matter my ability , she signed off to me . And when I carried her to the bathroom ,, and set her on the small hole lid turned my back for a second , and I heard " OOOOOO " ! ,,,and I saw her wide eyes, in surprise as she was slipping through ,, I grabbed her walker and her in unison. I pulled her other walker from the hallway , and place them on both sides so she could this for herself ,,{ it would be the last time } , I walked in a small circle in that bathroom , crying , looking at her struggle to keep herself upright , while expelling more of her lives hydration .But she was now Sooooo small .

And as I got herv potty chair and placed it in the tub >>> for her to sit on ,, I told her " I would do my best to wash you , and not let you slip " . Running the water and gathering her towels , fresh diaper , and a flannel nightgown , she had braced herself between those two walkers ,, and as became the routine ,,, she counted " 1, 2, 3, and I would lift and carefully place My Baby ,,
[ approx. 5? days before sshe passed ]

The final days jumbled together , though I understand why she lay awake at night ,, chain smoking 4 cigs at a time ,,, they were going to be her last days .

Late night television for many many years , was her time of night .

That on Superbowl Sunday , she wanted a pint of vodka [ what an *** I was to bargain this with her first eating food .],,,she did try , and instead of vodka >> I got her some good greeny .,,,and blew * shotguns * to her instead . Which from her relaxed prose on her couch , said it all >>>>> that was more o what she needed/wanted , The body relaxed is the picture in my head >>> [ I took a snap shot ] of the contentment that was now her facial expression .
My content Sweet Love .

As the halftime show started , I awoke her and helped her sit up , and get comfortable, bracing her with pillows .,,, poured her a glass of chardonay , and while I was crying deep inside ,,,, I gleefully bobbed my head with hers to the rythm ,,, re-lighting that earlier joint and blowing again to her lips ,,, another couple of puffs .
And doing my best [ while choking back sobs ] ,,to sing along , for her [ to the best of my recollection 5th avenue freezeout ] who knows at this point ,, I was oblivious to all ,, except her keeping beat , and Smiling .
Besides , she always said " You can't sing "
But at that moment ,, I actually believe I was in key .LOL. She didn't shhhh me .

And I danced for her ,
[ also another thing she said I sucked at ]

But she smiled and kept nodding ,, [ prolly saying , " Yep ,, he still can't sing or dance " ]
I am not sure if the phone rang ,, or much of anything ,,, What I do know is ...WE were making memories .

to be cont.
[ this is so hard to write ]
But I hope it may help someone .

WMD.

That must be so hard to write out and share. There is more in what you go through in the last days with someone than anyone who hasn't been through that (like me) could imagine. Thanks for telling us about it. I hope that writing it is also helping you to process your memories and find meaning in them. There is so much meaning in what you wrote.

Thankyou for sharingthat WMD - I would have liked to see you dance I bet it made her smile all the way through to her soul!

take care

I will regress here;

One night Donna asked me to help her ,," end this please ",,,
I will explain this but briefly .

It became an argument , she cursed me , said " Everybody Dies "! ,,,
I asked , " Is this what you want "? I considered helping her, but realized I could not do this for her.

I,,,cried ,, and went to sit out on the porch .
How could I not give her , this , what she wanted .

Donna joined me , with her vodka in hand . And sat silent .

I said to her , " Sorry , I Love You " and cried so uncontrolably ,, I shook .
When I finally focused through the tears ,, and seen her eyes , She nodded , took a sip from her bottle ,
it was never discussed again .

WMD.