[Trace14]

What do you see as the major differences in expected death and unexpected death?

My dad was unexpected (hit by a car) and my mom was expected (cancer). The biggest difference between the two for me was not being able to say goodbye to my dad. That caused me a lot of pain.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

My dad was unexpected (hit by a car) and my mom was expected (cancer). The biggest difference between the two for me was not being able to say goodbye to my dad. That caused me a lot of pain.

I agree with you on this. I think that's the biggest thing is not be able to say good bye, I love you, or discuss past issues. So many unanswered questions. Where as expected you know what's happening, time you have, have time to make peace with it.
Sorry for your loss of both.

[FinalSynapse]

Question is a bit open ended. i.e. Who's dying?

My 2nd wife knew she was dying. Knew for several years. No visible outward signs. She was living a normal life for the most part. Her death was not only expected by me, it was expected by her!

I can't imagine having to carry that knowledge at the age of 22. Expected does not always provide a chance for closure. I was lucky to have been with her, holding her hand, when she died. She did not die alone. I could just as easily been out of town, or she could have been at work. It happened quickly when it did. (40+ years ago.)

From her perspective:

"We're all dying and while I'm pretty sure I'm going before you, I have no idea when that will be."

In the end, even her "expected" death was "un-expected." There was no difference for me. She was still gone.

[RubyRae]

For me,even though some deaths were "expected" and I thought I was prepared for them,I wasn't at all.I think both are equally hard to deal with.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by FinalSynapse

Question is a bit open ended. i.e. Who's dying?

My 2nd wife knew she was dying. Knew for several years. No visible outward signs. She was living a normal life for the most part. Her death was not only expected by me, it was expected by her!

I can't imagine having to carry that knowledge at the age of 22. Expected does not always provide a chance for closure. I was lucky to have been with her, holding her hand, when she died. She did not die alone. I could just as easily been out of town, or she could have been at work. It happened quickly when it did. (40+ years ago.)

From her perspective:

"We're all dying and while I'm pretty sure I'm going before you, I have no idea when that will be."

In the end, even her "expected" death was "un-expected." There was no difference for me. She was still gone.

So sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were with her when she died. Yes, it's hard either way, expected or not expected.

[bounceback]

My dad was unexpected because we had an estranged relationship. We got a call from his wife saying he was dying of terminal colon cancer and wouldn't last but a few days. Had to say goodbye over the phone while he was in a coma. He lived two days after that phone call. My mom suffered for years with copd and that was difficult watching her not being able to breathe. Thinking any day might be her last to have her bounce back and act somewhat healthy then to watch her deteriorate to where she couldn't even sit up anymore and her weight drop down to around 80 pounds. Sometimes you just want it to be over with. They are both bad. I have thought about this many times and wonder which way is better. I decided there is no good way. With my mom, though i got to say goodbye to her and tell her how I felt and talk to her about death. With my dad I felt more anger more not being told sooner. They say people hear you when they are in a coma but you don't know for sure. The good thing is I didn't have to watch him suffer.

At age 20 I was dying from Autoimmune Hepatitis. I needed a liver transplant. The news came as a surprise but I came to peace with it. Said goodbye to all my friends. Told them that I loved them. I eventually fell into a coma hours before a liver was donated. My 15 year old donor died upon impact in a car accident. No time for him to say goodbye. That breaks my heart. I think that unexpected deaths are the worse.
https://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE...9UwDREpABvTX8-

[Michigan1966]

My Dad died unexpectedly and I think that’s worse. We had a good relationship and I got to see him the week before and I always told him I loved him, so I am very thankful for that. He forgot his cane one morning when he went to the bathroom. When he came out, he fell and hit his head so hard that he only lived until that night.
My Mom now walks with a walker, but is constantly forgetting to use it, so now I’m scared that I’ll find her on the floor when I go over there one day!
I’m dealing with the issue of anxiety about anything being taken away in the blink of an eye. I’m depressed, don’t want to go out and am very anxious about loss. Besides going to work, I just want to sleep all day and stay home with my dogs. I can’t seem to break out of this funk.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

For me,even though some deaths were "expected" and I thought I was prepared for them,I wasn't at all.I think both are equally hard to deal with.

I agree----one can't be prepared either way.

I lost a good friend suddenly in July of 2016. Even the doctors couldn't tell what caused it. He just collapsed suddenly and never woke up again when the ambulance got him, taking him to the hospital. The worse thing for me is I didn't find out till about 2 months later, online.....Terrible way to find out something like that. Just so impersonal or something. And I also feel bad about getting annoyed with him the last time I saw him. How could I know it was literally the last time? He didn't look well, as I recall. But death was the last thing on my mind...and maybe his too.

For an "expected" death, my mom got lung cancer last year. I knew she was dying, so it was just a matter of time. But I didn't know how long, nobody did. So I'm not sure this was easier--just different.

With my friend, it was such a shock that he's just gone just like that.

With my mom, going through each day thinking "Any day now, any minute now" was brutal. I didn't know how to deal with that. I don't think I ever did.

I didn't get closure in either death, like saying goodbye. I didn't have a good relationship with my mom, and I barely saw her the last few months. Never bonded with her, never got to talk about things before it's too late.

I know that any of us can "go at any time" but most of us don't think about it. I know I don't, as getting through the day is hard enough without thinking, "I could get hit by a car tomorrow" (example).

Those experiences have left me a different person, like I now hold my tongue on petty annoyances. That person could be gone tomorrow.

Not sure, but I might have lost another friend. She wasn't close but it's not like her not to call me back. She is (was?) an old lady who lives alone and is in poor health. Last time I tried to call again after a couple of months passes, her number was disconnected. That left me with a bad case of deja vu. (My friend's number was disconnected awhile before I found out the reason why......)

I was going to have the police due a "welfare check" but I don't know her address. Just an old phone number.

[JacksonLiam]

I knew for ten and a half years that my husband would die and I thought I could prepare myself. In the end it was no different than when a loved one has died suddenly.

[LabRat27]

I didn't get to make sure he knew how much I loved him. I didn't get to say goodbye. I don't even know what the last thing I said to him was. I don't remember if I hugged him goodbye the last time I saw him. I almost always did, but I can't be sure.

[SadMom69]

I lost my mother unexpectedly (pulmonary embolism after surgery), and my father slowly (Alzheimer's).

Although an unexpected death is tragic and shocking, it is not as terrible as what I experienced with the years of my father's lingering.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SadMom69

I lost my mother unexpectedly (pulmonary embolism after surgery), and my father slowly (Alzheimer's).

Although an unexpected death is tragic and shocking, it is not as terrible as what I experienced with the years of my father's lingering.

I'm so sorry. Alzheimers is a hard one. You actually lose your loved one twice.

[SadMom69]

Actually, Alzheimer's is a continuing loss — loss by degrees. Visible deterioration over years.

[SadMom69]

We are now watching my husband's mother's mental decline.

She is in denial. She signed a power of attorney to a person who should not have had it, a non-family member who cannot be trusted and who has proceeded to rob her blind.

Very difficult situation.

[littleblackdog]

Originally Posted by Michigan1966

My Dad died unexpectedly and I think that’s worse.

I don't think one is worse that the other. My dad died yesterday from cancer and I still never really got to say goodbye to him. He deteriorated so quickly that the last time I saw him he was unconscious in a hospital bed.
There is never enough time to say goodbye to someone you love, and watching them deteriorate and become a shell of a person is tremendously hard.

[SadMom69]

Having experienced both, I believe that an unexpected death is less traumatic in the end than a slow and painful lingering death.

The accidental death of a young person is very tragic, but young people die from horrible lingering diseases, too. Better for everyone if suffering is minimal.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by Trace14

What do you see as the major differences in expected death and unexpected death?

I've lost grandparents due to old age, it was sad, but expected. It's understood as a normal part of life.

Whereas, my brother was killed by a driver as he was crossing the street, was unexpected. Still trying to process it a couple of years later. It's more difficult. There was so much I wanted to say and experience with him. He was only 24.

[Emotionally Dead]

I don't have a ton of experience with death, but I think that no matter how one goes, we always wish we had more time.

[downandlonely]

I don't have much experience with death, but I agree that it's always hard. My grandfather committed suicide. I didn't know him well, so it didn't affect me much. But the people closer to him had to deal with guilt and wondering if they could have helped him.

[Foo Fighter]

My grandmother died unexpectedly from sepsis after having surgery. It happened 12 years ago but I always think about her when a milestone comes up. I know she would have been proud of what her grandkids accomplished but I still get upset knowing how much she missed. And because she died due to surgery I would have severe anxiety anytime I heard someone was having surgery. I worried that they would die soon after like my grandma did. I have worked on this year but I still get nervous about people getting surgery and I don't stop worrying until they are sent home. I am still sad that she never met my husband. I know they would have enjoyed each other's company and she would have been happy for both of us.

My grandfather passed recently and his death was somewhat expected as he had been battling cancer for years. He originally had CLL and early this year we are still not sure what happened but he got lung cancer (I don't know if he smoked) and it spread to his bones. My mom told me that we should prepare ourselves for the inevitable but until recently it looked like he was beating it. I bought him seeds for his birthday so he could garden one more time. Sadly his death came quick. We knew it was coming but we thought we had more time. I helped my family take care of him in hospice and he died with family around him at home. I was able to tell him one last time I loved him and that I was here for him. I am sad that he is gone but know ing I didn't have any unfinished business and that he didn't have any it seemed okay. He's gardening on a higher plane of existence right now. I am going to miss him very much but I feel more okay with it because I had time to say goodbye and be with him.

[SadMom69]

Originally Posted by ohmydaisy

I've lost grandparents due to old age, it was sad, but expected. It's understood as a normal part of life.

Whereas, my brother was killed by a driver as he was crossing the street, was unexpected. Still trying to process it a couple of years later. It's more difficult. There was so much I wanted to say and experience with him. He was only 24.

But would you rather have had your 24-year-old brother be diagnosed with cancer and have a miserable, lingering death just so you could say goodbye? Or have had the car crash result in him being massively injured and lingering in a painful state for months or years so that you had the chance to say goodbye? I doubt that you would have wanted that for either of you.

Maybe if you can look at it that way, it will help you deal with the loss.

[SadMom69]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I don't have much experience with death, but I agree that it's always hard. My grandfather committed suicide. I didn't know him well, so it didn't affect me much. But the people closer to him had to deal with guilt and wondering if they could have helped him.

I think suicide is the hardest type of death to deal with because it hurts everybody who cares about a person SO MUCH, and they always wonder if they had just said the right thing or done the right thing if they could have kept it from happening.

The truth about suicide is that person's pain (physical, mental, or emotional) overwhelms his or her love for everyone else. In that way, it is a selfish act, but a person reaches a point where the pain is no longer bearable and blocks out the LOVE that person feels for others. We need to put love for others as our priority. Take care of yourself and love yourself, too, but love others enough not to ever hurt them in this dastardly way.

Remember, "Suicide is a permanent answer for a temporary problem."

This, too, shall pass.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SadMom69

I think suicide is the hardest type of death to deal with because it hurts everybody who cares about a person SO MUCH, and they always wonder if they had just said the right thing or done the right thing if they could have kept it from happening.

The truth about suicide is that person's pain (physical, mental, or emotional) overwhelms his or her love for everyone else. In that way, it is a selfish act, but a person reaches a point where the pain is no longer bearable and blocks out the LOVE that person feels for others. We need to put love for others as our priority. Take care of yourself and love yourself, too, but love others enough not to ever hurt them in this dastardly way.

Remember, "Suicide is a permanent answer for a temporary problem."

This, too, shall pass.

With all due respect suicide is not an "answer" and it's not selfish.
I do agree with some of what you are saying though. They are in deep, dark places and they see no way out. It's not that they don't love those in their life, many think that the ones they love will be better off without them.